Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


So thankful to be a good example of a real Christian – and to someone famous – Darren Hayes!!

Only in the land of cyber world, could someone famous tell me they love me!

I saw a re-tweet of Darren Hayes who had posted this pic.

So I replied, thinking it would not even be noticed by Darren Hayes…but he tweeted me back.. 🙂

Which I’m pretty amazed at! But, very thankful, to know that people understand that not all those who claim to be ‘Christians’ – are homophobic, abusive people. Continue reading


My blog, is not a community sounding board to slag off God.

I have received several comments in the last few days, most of which I have not approved – slagging me off, and God – for my faith.

Please know, I will discuss the issues that go on within Churches where the Bible is abused, people are abused. I see this and this is very wrong. Sadly church people abuse others and this is wrong and I do not condone it. But that is due to who they are as people, not due to God.

But this is NOT – I repeat NOT – a community to slag off God, say He does not exists, or slag off His Word.

That deeply offends my soul and to slag me off in the process – insinuating I am stupid, deluded etc – is offensive too.

My faith is rock solid, my relationship with Jesus is rock solid.

This blog is about healing from abuse – not somewhere for people to vent their anti-God issues.


One thing for sure North P. Baptist Church, taught me alot about ‘not’ to do.

I am not going to thank them – I don’t believe in thanking allowing evil to occur. That’s thanking Satan – and that’s never going to happen.

But, the best lessons to learn are always from bad occurring. And all the abuse occurring within that ‘church’ has sure highlighted to me so many issues that occur there and within other churches, especially in these abusive conservative, right wing, churches, who are not Biblical, not Godly.

And I have support about this.

There are SO many things I have learned, by personal experience and by watching them all in action.

And I ‘knew’ in my soul so much was wrong. Thank you Jesus ❤

It has equipped me with so much to be able to help others who have been abused by church people and that is because I am willing to learn and listen and wish to grow in God’s wisdom, and He knows that.

Continue reading

So blessed, someone made us meals & received a donation of $100 !

I’ve set up a GofundMe account to help with the publishing costs of my first book.


I only set it up yesterday and I have already received a donation and an incredibly generous one of $100!! I was so surprised and so thankful, I cried! I am such a sook 🙂

My husband is a police officer and has told a few others in work and one very kind police officer, brought meals and cupcakes in for us! She’s a lovely woman, I’ve met her a few times and she’s having problems with her teenager who has been suicidal, so knows how hard this all is to deal with.

What amazing blessings and I know that’s you God and I praise you deeply for this ❤ ❤ ❤

in my last email to my doctor, I wrote how I know God loves me and will always provide all I need. Including the strength the cope and heal, and whatever else is needed.

It’s amazing to think I nearly ended my life less than a week ago, and here I am now sat with my children playing and giggling together – that sound being my favourite in the world, feeling deeply blessed by people who I don’t even know!

Wow. I have no more words.

Wow!!! 🙂


I do my small part, as one person, to explain wrong ‘Christian’ abusive views.

I am only one person, I’m still in my own healing journey. Trying to cope with, recover from a severe trauma history.

I see so many abusive views held by too many church people. I’ve endured them and I know God wants this used to help others.

God needs His people who understand who He is, to help others.

But, I am not under any ego/illusion that I am going to ‘change the world’. I can only do what I can, and help a few people. My gift is writing, which isn’t amazing in any way, but it is honest, real, relatable, and many people clearly value it.

My experiences in life are mostly about ‘abuse’. So this is what I write about mostly and also I incorporate the abuse I know and have seen and have endured by church people.

It offends my soul, when God, Jesus’ Word is used to abuse people. It is an added layer of disgust for me and whether intentional, or not, it is evil occurring. Continue reading


‘Honour thy father & mother’….even if abusers who harmed you greatly??..No.

Yes, this is one of the 10 commandments.

Honour means ‘hold in great esteem and high respect’.

This is based upon your parents being Christian/Godly parents, who act like parents. Not about parents who are abusers.

There is far too much abuse condoned in churches, based upon literal and immature interpretations of Bible verses.

I have a very abusive mother, who abused me and allowed me to be abused by men.

I have a birth father who completely abandoned me.

I had a step father who was an abuser within a circle of sexual abuser friends.

Collectively, these 3 people have destroyed my life. My life could have been very differently, had they have actually acted like ‘parents’.

Does anyone really believe that despite all the abuse and harm these 3 people have caused to me, that I should ‘honour’ them.

Does anyone really believe that God wants me to ‘honour’ people who have caused so much harm and abuse to me?

Does anyone really believe I should have nice thoughts about these people, and want them in my life, reconciliation, enforced forgiveness, or anything else many church people would suggest?

The only expectation God has of me, is to not hate them – which I don’t, to not want retribution – which I have never wanted for any of my abusers, and to leave their fate to Him – which I do.

I have actually gone further than this, and I have compassion for their mental health – although I do not in any way excuse the abuse, because it was still a ‘choice’ they made and they could have chosen not to abuse me. But, I accept they have very poor mental health and huge mental health disorder issues, and I don’t want that for them. I wish their lives could have been different, for them.

I have prayed for them and been in tears for their dark mind and dark hearts and prayed that they would somehow have eternal life with Jesus and I know that is not in my hands. I have prayed they will.

But, that is all I know I need to do and all that God requires of me. Continue reading

Put on God’s armour, and get ready for the battle.

I am very used to having to put on my battle armour. Suit up, and get ready for the shit to come my way.

That’s life.

I don’t need to fight every battle, but some have to be fought. We need to pick our battles wisely and know our heart intentions for picking them.

It takes it out of me, but my integrity and courage always trumps. And I know I will be protected by God, walking with Jesus’ arms around me, all the way.

Evil prevails, when good people do nothing.

Wise advice.

Avoiding doing what is right, is weak, selfish and apathetic.

I am not any of those.

And God knows that too ❤

I am exactly where I need to be.

I often look at my situation in a negative way, put shame and failure onto myself…all the usual complex trauma reactions.

But, maybe I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I have learned, I don’t ‘need’ people in my life – I’ve had to.

I have learned I can do what I want for others, help others suffering, while suffering myself.

I have learned throughout my life, the need to rely on no-one but myself, trust no-one but Jesus.

I have learned to give, with no expectation or need for anything in return. I don’t do what I do for money, status, luxuries etc.

I have learned I can only help support those who are ready, willing and need that and those that don’t, or need something different, that’s okay.

I have learned, I can rely on my own wisdom and listen to the wisdom of Jesus prompting me.

I have learned, to cut out so much bullshit society perpetuates. To see and question so much. To think deeply and reflect deeply, on everything everyone says and does.

I don’t want to be around people, face to face, and maybe that is absolutely okay.

So, instead of thinking negatively – because of the opinions and views of others, maybe I will just be content and aware, I am where I need to be.

It may change, if it does…it does.

Don’t be shamed into having to ‘love your parents’ in the way society/church people can demand.

I like Jeff brown – he speaks a lot of wisdom and I appreciate his posts.

Jeff can be found @ https://www.facebook.com/SOULSHAPING?fref=nf

A post on his page today..

“Some of us cannot preserve our dignity and well-being if we remain connected to one or both of our parents. This is not to say that we don’t do our best to heal and preserve those relationships, but sometimes it is simply not possible and it is not healthy to continue. Unfortunately, many who have made the brave, necessary decision to disconnect are met with a shaming, shunning response from others.

It is one of the most destructive and imprisoning guilt trips of all time “But she’s your mother”, “But he’s your father”, “They did their best”, “You owe them your life” etc. This has to stop. You can be sure that if someone is considering disconnecting from members of their family of origin, there must be very legitimate reasons for doing so.

Even if they did their best, that doesn’t mean we have to stay in contact with them.

Some wounds cut too deep. Some bridges have been permanently burnt. Some people do not change.

Let’s get this straight- you are not a bad person if you choose to say good bye to abusive family members.

You have every right to preserve your emotional integrity.” Continue reading

Having support, still feels weird. Good, but weird.

So good to have support from my doctor and others, about my intentions to do more about the abusive, narc pastor and her understand my reasons, which are very genuine and appropriate reasons.

And I will do whatever I can legally, which I am finding out more about and I will pursue whatever is legally open to me. I know my heart reasons and I know my faith reasons for this. Wolves in sheep’s clothing should not be pastors. And I don’t want more people hurt by this lying, narcissistic, self serving, wolf. And, I do not care in the slightest what anyone at the church he pastors at thinks about this. I am aware they will wrongly assume all sort of crap. They can go ahead.

My spiritual understanding, my understanding of God, my understanding of Jesus and who He is and my spiritual integrity, is greater than all of them combined. If they choose apathy, If they choose cheap grace, if they choose their needs to remain in their inner circles, if they choose to worship their church and leaders instead of God, if they choose being a narcissist’s apaths – that is their issues. And the shame and all their sin, is theirs too.

Apathy, will never be something I condone.

Using God/Jesus to hurt others, rightly offends my soul greatly.

Support is always needed though and I have this from several people.

Thank you God. I wouldn’t be who I am, without You.