Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Grief is love with no place to go ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

This meme really made me stop and think. And it’s true. And it’s made me think even more than is mentioned in this meme.

grief-is-love-with-nowhere-to-go

 

I’ve been grieving all my life. Because the people in my life, were unable/unwilling to give love. They were people who used and abused. And whilst you try to give love to them, it isn’t treated well. And you don’t receive any love back.

I’ve been grieving all my life. I’m still grieving. Grieving my mother. My birth father who I have never met. My step father. My sisters. People I have loved in various relationships. Even now, I am grieving my marriage, my ex counsellor.

All the emotions, love and caring……. with nowhere to go.

It’s hard grieving people who are still alive.

It’s hard grieving an entire life.

But, that is what I am doing. And grieving involves many emotions. And grieving such heinous abuse, such neglect, such abandonment, such callous treatment, such pain…….. does not have a timespan. Continue reading


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Fuck you all – every person who has made me feel ‘not good enough’.

I’ve spent my entire life, around people who deem me ‘not good enough’. Mostly due to their narcissistic needs, selfishness and abusive motivations.

From being a young child, right up and until recently – I haven’t been other people’s version of ‘good enough’.

My ex-counsellor has self serving needs to view abusive people a certain way. This is so she can feel sorry for abusers and provide them with counselling. And she has made it very clear over the last 4 years – anything different to ‘her’ views, is not good enough.

It is interesting that I never talk about revenge, retaliation, karma etc, and I as a result have a healthy level of compassion for abusers such as paedophiles, psychopaths etc…. and yet my beliefs were still not ‘good enough. For her. Because I would not view these sick evil people, in exactly the same way as she chooses to.

When people have a vested interest in needing certain beliefs, they refuse to see outside of that, or have empathy to know someone else can have very valid beliefs.

I have received considerable positive and encouraging feedback about my work. My website, this blog, my social media. Yet, my own counsellor never supported any of it. And the reason – is because I don’t write ‘her’ beliefs, I write about my own. And I have challenged her on many of her beliefs, and I know she is no doubt not used to that.

And my beliefs and understanding have be validated by many other professionals. So, the fact she is a person who chooses to see what I do as worthless, is pretty disgusting. Continue reading


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It’s painful grieving people – who cause such harm and know they couldn’t care less ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am still slowly ploughing through my book. I intended writing a dedication and acknowledgement to my therapist. Who I now no longer see. My therapy has ended really badly, and at a really bad time. But, that’s life.

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So, I will no longer be acknowledging her in my book. Which is sad. I already had part of it written out. And now when I read it back – it is painful. Because the beliefs I had about her, were so wrong.

It’s weird to know my book will no longer have two things in it, that were so important in my life. My relationship with God. And my therapy relationship.

It’s very sad. Very painful. And it’s needed to feel that.

Because grieving is painful.

One of the most painful parts, is knowing that while you are enduring all these painful emotions and hurting so much….. the person who caused the pain, doesn’t think about you at all. Continue reading


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Why suppressing needed emotions about being harmed/abused, is so unhealthy ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I am someone who has been abused and treated badly, by many people. From childhood onwards. And until recently, I never allowed myself to feel the painful emotions about it.

Something I have learned from my journey, is each time I tried to suppress needed emotions about being abused, it made my life worse long term. And made the pain of those emotions when finally felt, so much worse.

And when I do allow myself to feel emotions as they arise, and I don’t suppress them, the processing of them, is less painful and far quicker.

Example…..

I pushed down my needed and healthy emotions about my mother, all my life. And I continued to do this in counselling. By the time I actually allowed myself to feel anger, disgust, repulsion, betrayal, sadness, grieving….. these emotions were so intense it felt unbearable. The reason I suppressed my feelings for so long, was due to shame of thinking so badly about my own mother. When in fact, that shame was not needed. The only shame that should be felt – was by her. And I also felt my counsellor would in some way think badly of me, for being so angry at my mother. I felt she would think I wasn’t being ‘compassionate’ enough. And yet it turned out, she didn’t think that at all. She felt my anger and pain – were totally appropriate for all the intentional suffering my mother caused me.

But, recently I had painful emotions and realisations about my siblings. And instead of pushing these emotions away, or feeling any shame for my emotions, I allowed myself to feel the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the pain and the grieving. And it was a lot less painful than if I had continued to suppress it all and took a lot less time.

The emotions about my mother, took several years to deal with in counselling, due to my suppressing them.

The emotions about my sisters, took a few weeks to deal with.

Huge difference in time and depth of suffering, in dealing with these very appropriate and very healthy emotions. Continue reading


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Dealing with hurt & grieving, by honoring my valid emotions ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Often people feel their ‘negative’ emotions, are wrong, bad, weak. This is wrong. Emotions are valid, needed and without expressing them, we do not heal.

I am currently grieving the loss of a significant relationship. One I did not think would end for a long time yet.. But one, with reflection, I can see was going to end. And in the way it has.

I am feeling that loss. In the deep and painful way, I always feel loss, grieving, abandonment, hurt.

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I have finally got to that place, where I no longer feel weak, for having these intense emotions. They are part of who I am. They are why I am empathic. They are why I care so much and they motivate me to try to help others.

My intense emotions, are not weakness. I don’t hurt anyone when I feel them. I don’t hold onto them indefinitely.

But, I honor my capacity to feel emotions deeply.

They are a strength, not a weakness.

So, I have learned to accept them and not push them down or away.I have learned to feel them.

I have learned when I feel I would rather be dead, this is simply a way I cope due to the severity of my trauma history. No-one would want to endure anymore trauma, following decades of suffering.

I have learned to have self care, while these deep emotions are being felt.

I am allowed to grieve the loss of a significant relationships. I am allowed to feel hurt, abandoned and cry.

I am allowed to let this grieving period, take as long as it takes.

I know I’ll survive this. I always do.

My record for surviving pain, suffering, loss and trauma…. is 100%.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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