Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I need to emotionally shut down, and no longer be dependent on my therapist.

A lot of stuff happened recently, which led me to feeling abandoned, uncared for and terribly hurt. And she has her reasons and that has to be okay.

But, I’ve come to realise I need to emotionally shut down, and no longer be dependent on my therapist.

I don’t want to care about her anymore. I don’t want to care whether she cares about me. I don’t want to care what she thinks of me. I don’t want to think about her all the time. I don’t want to feel hurt anymore. I don’t want to struggle, not react okay to things and then feel shame.

I don’t want to struggle in this non real relationship anymore. Continue reading


My Song Of Grief & Loss, For My Mother Figure ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I’ve realised, it’s hurts more to grieve my mother figure, than my mother.

Because, I always knew my mother didn’t care about me, whereas, I believed my mother figure did.

This used to be my song, for the woman I thought of as the only mother figure I ever had. I used to imagine her hugging me. It was such a source of comfort. Now that’s gone.



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Better To Grieve It All Now, Than Years Down The Track ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

It would seem 2017, is the year of grieving. My ex husband, my mother, my marriage, my therapist.

One thing I am determined not to do, is keep going back to someone who does not have my best interests at heart.

I’m stronger than that now.

Sometimes things happen that force you to truly deal with issues and at that point – you have to decide whether you going to continue to allow someone to treat you badly. Or not.

And to realise it takes a person with integrity, honesty and good character to own their wrongdoing. In my life, I have seen very little of these character traits.

alone all my life

Grieving sucks, but I would rather deal with it all now, than deal with more down the track. Continue reading


The Spiral Downwards ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I’m not doing okay at the moment. A combination of things that matter greatly to me, that I don’t want to write about in detail. But, they are pretty devastating, and beyond my control to sort out.

I’m aware my mothers death is also causing me issues. I’ve dreamt about her several times lately and I think that’s affecting me more than I want to admit.

It’s interesting that so many severe child abuse survivors truly understand what a heinous childhood does to a person, and then how it feels when the abusive parent dies.

The people in my life, have no idea how that feels and they don’t understand, nor do they really care to try. I’m supposed to just get over it. Hey, it’s been a month…. I should be over already…

I didn’t take my children to school today. First time ever, I have not got up and taken them to school. Continue reading


Three Weeks – And I’m Already Being Shamed About Grieving ‘Too Long’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I just had a ‘friend’ tell me I should stop feeling sad and focus on what I have in my life that’s good – like she does.

Shaming attitude right there. And someone who considers themselves ‘better’ in the way they view life.

But, in fact, she is absolutely wrong. Because suppressing normal and needed human emotions – is what’s unhealthy.

And this ‘advice’ is when I only heard my mother died 3 weeks ago.

Yep…. 3 weeks.

Apparently 3 weeks is too long and I should be ‘over it’ by now and should be ‘focussing on the good’ and blah blah blah….

All this shows to me, is this person has zero insight into healthy grieving. Has zero empathy. Has zero capacity to think rationally. Has an entitled attitude to make someone already suffering – suffer some more. As shaming people like to do. Continue reading


There’s No Denying, My Mother Went To Her Grave Abusing Me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My mother died recently. She was a highly abusive, selfish woman who had dark needs to abuse her children, and wanting her children abused in the worst possible ways.

Even though I knew this would not happen……… there was a part of me, hoping deep down, she would try to do something before she died. I would have been so happy to receive anything – even just a card saying “I love you, I’m sorry”. But, no. That did not happen. So the abuse she subjected me to, she continued by refusing to deal with it. Which is more abuse. Continue reading