I celebrated my article being published by The Mighty – with the only two people in this world who love me – my children.
I wish it could have been with family and a partner who loves me, but that is not my life.
It’s another moment of realisation of all I don’t have in my life, that I dearly wish I did have. I realise the grieving continues.
But, at least I have my children and lots of people on social media were very kind and supportive – and I am so thankful for them all. Continue reading
My inner child – is grieving.
My mother died and I recently realised I had to stop seeing my counsellor as a mother figure.
My mother dying has brought up a lot of horrible memories and emotions.
My inner child is having a very time over the stuff with my counsellor.
I feel like the 46 year old me – who is now grieving my entire life – is over everything and just wants to shut down and deal with everything alone.
And the inner child in me is desperately crying nooooooooooo….. don’t take away the only person who has acted in any way like a mother to me. I know my inner child wants to cling onto my counsellor with all her strength and might.
It’s all very confusing. And emotional. And painful.
It’s interesting – whenever I post about inner child healing, it always makes a powerful difference for others. Which is good. I know I risk ridicule and judgment when I post about having a terribly hurt inner child and buying soft toys etc. But, I share that very vulnerable part of me, because I know others feel the same pain and confusion I do. And when people see me doing my inner child stuff – it allows them to do the same with no fear of judgment from me.
I’ve only had my Instagram 2 months and I already have over 2000 followers, so I was unsure of the reaction I would receive about posting this pic of my unicorn. But, it received a really good reaction and in fact is the post with the most amount of comments.
It has a similar reaction on Twitter – with some people also feeling safe to post pics of their soft/plush toys that helps them.
I’m brave enough to post about my vulnerability, if it helps others.
A song that has significant meaning to me about someone I am grieving.
I don’t belong in the world
That’s what it is
Something separates me from other people
Everywhere I turn
There’s something blocking my escape
It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally it’s mine
With dripping peaches
I’m camera ready
Almost all the time
But I still get lonely
And baby only then
Do I let myself recline?
Can I let go?
And let your memory dance
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line
It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real
It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally I’m fine
Past Ventura
And lenses plenty
In the white sunshine
But you still can find me
If you ask nicely
Underneath the pines
With the daisies
Feeling hazy
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line
It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real
I drove today for the first time in about 2 months since a broke my hand. My hand is not fully healed by far, but healed enough to be able to drive safely enough.
I forced myself to go out and indulged in some retail therapy, including a gorgeous ballet unicorn plush toy. This was for my inner child, who is grieving deeply.
I bought some little treats like a face mask and a cute watch. All cheap stuff, but enough to make me feel like I was treating myself. Because I matter. I have to matter. I have children who need me. Children I cannot let down.
So this along with some great and much appreciated support I have been receiving online, has been enough for me to have a spark of hope & strength. Continue reading
I’ve always dealt with everything terrible in my life, completely alone. But most of that, was just about taking care of me.
Now, I have two boys I have to care for. Which is very different. And I desperately wish I had a mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin…. anyone…. to care about me and my boys. To love us.
That deep searing ache in my soul, is so painful I cannot even express it fully.
I feel so terribly sad that my boys don’t have family either. They only have me. And their father. They deserve better than that. More than that. Much more.
I’ve always known how much I miss having family.
But, this is a time in my life, when I feel that terribly desperate grieving.
And I know this grieving is not helped by the grieving of my mothers death a few months ago, and the death of the motherly role I had placed on my counsellor.
I feel more alone now……. than ever in my life. Continue reading
I’ve realised, it’s hurts more to grieve my mother figure, than my mother.
Because, I always knew my mother didn’t care about me, whereas, I believed my mother figure did.
This used to be my song, for the woman I thought of as the only mother figure I ever had. I used to imagine her hugging me. It was such a source of comfort. Now that’s gone.
It would seem 2017, is the year of grieving. My ex husband, my mother, my marriage, my therapist.
One thing I am determined not to do, is keep going back to someone who does not have my best interests at heart.
I’m stronger than that now.
Sometimes things happen that force you to truly deal with issues and at that point – you have to decide whether you going to continue to allow someone to treat you badly. Or not.
And to realise it takes a person with integrity, honesty and good character to own their wrongdoing. In my life, I have seen very little of these character traits.
Grieving sucks, but I would rather deal with it all now, than deal with more down the track. Continue reading
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
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