Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Have I Already Cried Enough Tears, Grieved Enough About My Mother? ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I know my mothers death is affecting me more than it appears. I haven’t cried. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.

But, I know it’s affecting me.

I’m on the internet and social media more than I was.

I’m blogging more than I was.

I’m exhausted and that’s getting worse each day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite medication.

All signs that I am struggling. But, without the emotions to go with it.

I’m getting emotional about anything else upsetting.

Like my son’s friend who is 15, being homeless because his alcoholic abusive parents chucked him out this week. Which makes me very angry. Poor kid. Such abuse and abandonment. Fortunately he is staying indefinitely with another of their friends, who’s parents have so kindly taken him in. Which I am so grateful for And I’m going to talk to them tomorrow, to see how I can help. I have a card to give him too, with a message of how is welcome anytime at our place. If he needs anything, to let us know. And some money in the card. I just want him to know there are people who care about him and his wellbeing.

I’ve cried at how this teenager must be feeling. Several times.

I cried at the news about Manchester and the terrorism that claimed so many lives and traumatised many more.

I’ve cried about a story of animal cruelty I read.

But, I cannot cry about my mother. I wish I could and just get over with already. Continue reading


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Drinking On A Wednesday ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

For some time now, I rarely drink alcohol. I used to rely on alcohol to cope, relax. But, I got that situation under control. I only drink maybe once a month. And then only on a weekend. And just 2 glasses of wine. I can’t remember the last time I drank more than 2 glasses.

But, today I have been craving wine.

And I guess with my mother dying, I’m allowed.

One glass is okay right……..?

large glass of wine

(Please note – I am not advocating for alcohol to be used to cope. I am simply grieving and just need to indulge myself this week). Continue reading


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Whatever I Do About My Mothers Funeral – Will Be Wrong

My mother has died. I’m aware her funeral is on 30th May.

I had counselling today, and we talked about how numb I feel about hearing my mother has died. And how that numb feeling is normal.

We also discussed whether I should attend the funeral. I know that my siblings – will choose to see whatever I do – as wrong.

If I go to funeral – that will wrong.

If I don’t go to the funeral – that will be wrong.

That’s the problem with dysfunctional families. Whatever the scapegoat does, is always wrong.

I have decided not to go. For my own personal needs, I do not need to attend the funeral.

I would have liked to go – to support my siblings, if our relationship was normal. I only went to their father’s funeral – to support them. I wish them nothing but peace. Continue reading


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Grieving Someone Who Was Abusive – Is Hard ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My ex-husband has died, and I am currently going through different emotions. Which is understandable, as he was abusive due to addictions. There was domestic violence and financial abuse. There were also good times too.

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My emotions are….

Deep sadness for his mother and daughter, who both loved him. Knowing his mothers whole life was based on her son and husband, who are now both deceased. Sadness for a mother who has to bury her son. No parent should ever have to go to the funeral of their own child.

My own sadness for him, as I did love him very much.

Sadness as he died in his early 50’s, which is too young.

Feelings of hurt and anger rising up, because of the abuse I endured. Which I do know I need to feel, process and grieve and trying not to feel guilty about because he has now died.

Feeling that maybe I could have helped him more, but realising you cannot save someone – who does not want to be saved. Knowing I have not beat myself up and know I was not responsible for saving him.

Feeling sadness for a man who’s life was damaged by addictions and a poor and neglectful upbringing – raised by an addict and an addict enabler.

Sadness, knowing had he been able to deal with his addictions, his life would have been so much better – for himself, as well as those around him.

The feelings due to holding onto knowing, he could be caring and thoughtful when sober and I wish he could have been sober all the time. He had potential to be a really great person. Continue reading