Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I fell in love with a man who did not exist; the reality for many survivors of narcissistic partners ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I was not aware in any way, that the man I was falling in love with, had a delusional persona that he used to manipulate and exploit me.

I did not know his persona was a lie.

I did not have the opportunity to know the truth about him and therefore had the choice to know who he really was, and to walk away, stolen from me.

This is the reality of many narcissistic partner survivors.

Please know – if this happened to you – you should not feel any shame for having believed the lies, the persona, the fake image presented to you.

Narcissists often fool mental health professionals – so anyone can be fooled by them.

The only shame that should be felt – is by the narcissist  – for their chosen manipulative, exploitative, devious and deceptive behaviours. Continue reading


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Be Aware Of Toxic People Re-directing The Focus – To The Reaction To Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

A post to my page. I have endured this my entire life.


Toxic people like to re-direct the focus – away from their chosen decisions to abuse – to the reaction of the victim.

It’s a form of manipulation, that enables the toxic abuser – to avoid focussing on their actions, to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their chosen abusive behaviours.

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When they re-direct focus to e.g. the victims anger – they can claim the victim is the one in the wrong. The victim is the one with the issues. The victim is the problem.

See how they shift the focus and shame – from themselves – to the victim? It happens a lot. It is very common with toxic people.

They can say things like ‘why are you so angry’ – ‘no one can talk to you when you get like this’, ‘look at you – you’re crazy’.

The focus is shifted – and the focus becomes about the anger/resentment/emotional distress – the victim is feeling.

The anger/ emotions/ distress etc the victim has ‘every right’ to feel…….. because being angry/ emotional/ distressed- at being abused – is a NORMAL and rational response to being treated badly and to being abused.

Continue reading


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When You Deal With Truth – Many Will Not Walk That Pathway With You ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have come to understand most people choose to take the viewpoint about abusers – that best serves themselves. Most people in life will take the easiest road. The road of less pain. The road of believing whatever makes life easiest. No matter how irrational, or distorted the thinking.

Some people choose to believe narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, paedophilia etc – are ‘mental illness’. Which is not correct. They are character disturbances and evil at work. Not mental illness. And they do indeed know what they are doing. It is intentional. It is conscious abuse.

Some people choose to believe abusers don’t know what they are doing is wrong. Yes, they do know it’s wrong. Why else would they lie and hide it? Why else would they act one way around victims/potential victims, and another around other people? That’s proof alone they know it’s wrong. It’s also proof they can control their behaviours. Yet, this is so often ignored, as this does not fit the lie that abusers ‘can’t help it’.

One of the reasons people choose to believe in these lies………. is they cannot bear to think the person who abused them, didn’t love them. Or face the fact, that the abuser wanted to hurt them. It is easier for many – to believe this is not true. It’s harder to know someone didn’t love you. It’s harder to know they wanted to hurt you. It’s a truth many don’t want to face. So they choose lies – to make it ‘feel better’. To avoid the pain. Avoidance is a huge coping strategy for many.

Another reason people believe lies, are if they minimize it all…….. then it doesn’t feel so bad. If they minimize the abuse, minimize the abusers intentional actions, minimize the affect of the abuse……. it ‘feels better’. But, this minimizing does not allow the survivor to face the truth. And how can you heal – if you don’t deal with the reality of it all?

And there are more reasons why people choose to believe lies about abuse and about abusers.

I do understand why people believe lies. It is easier. I know – I did it for a long time too. I minimized all the abuse. I couldn’t face the fact that my own mother wanted me to be sexually abused. That’s a terribly painful reality to deal with. So, I do know why people choose to delude themselves.

I have no issue with people believing whatever they want to believe……… except when they then demand everyone else has to believe those lies too. Or they delude themselves they are giving ‘good advice’. When it’s not.

For those of us who choose to walk the painful road of truth…….. it is not helped by being told what we know – is wrong. It’s not wrong. It’s just a truth many people cannot (yet) handle. Some may face the truth at some point in their life. Some won’t.

People talk about wanting to deal with truth and wanting honesty – but truth is often a pill too bitter to swallow.

I see many in society, many abuse survivors, many mental health professionals – all believing in lies about abusers. And often they will do anything – no matter how bizarre – to defend their views. They will shame other survivors, tell survivors they are not ‘good enough’ and all manner of further traumatising actions and words. Some will delude themselves they are ‘better people’ – which may stroke their own ego, but it is still a lie.

I realise cognitive dissonance is as prevalent – as other cognitive distortions of ‘minimizing’, ‘rationalising’, ‘invalidating’, ‘rose coloured glasses’ etc.

I do get why this happens.

But, I have travelled way past that point in my journey. I have faced the heinous truths. And that takes far more courage and capacity to deal with reality. Yet, to many – I am wrong in going down this part of my journey.

I realise most people only know what they have personally experienced. And if a persons own experience, is stuck at the point of believing lies, minimizing, rationalising… etc…then they can’t see further than that. They ‘choose’ not to see further.Or they are not at a point of their journey, in being able to face the truth. And they will then justify their beliefs anyway they can. One common one, is to delude themselves they are being ‘compassionate’ to abusers. That really does make some people ‘feel better’.

People’s need to protect their own current belief systems, is pretty strong. Not strong in a good way. But more of a ‘strong’ in the sense of a big, huge log, often strongly blocking their pathway to truth and reality.

If I was an artist – I would draw this path…… with this huge log stuck in the middle….. completely blocking the pathway. With many people on the one side of it, doing nothing to try to move it. So they remain where they are. But, they feel okay, because there are many are all in the same place. So together they feel safe. And they tell themselves and each other, they are fine where they are. And they just try to ignore the huge log.

Then I would draw another path, with some people who are not okay with staying where they are, pushing this huge log out of the way. I would depict the pain created by this and the strength and effort – to move this log. It takes time. There are tears and fears about what is on the other side of the huge log. Their safety is threatened. Some persist and some give up. But, some know they must persist.  Continue reading


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Why I am not remotely interested in the thoughts, or opinions, of any of my abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

People have asked me why I blog as much as I do? And don’t I care what my abusers who read this blog – think of me?

I can see it is odd to some people – that I would potentially let abusive toxic people – know I am struggling, or I am suicidal. Some people seem to think it is ‘bad’ or wrong, to let abusers know we are struggling. Some people seem very concerned with what abusers think, or know.

I couldn’t care less what they think or know…… and never have done since I began my healing journey. And that is why I am able to journal everything. And be so honest, which some people are unable to be – if they are only willing to write the ‘good stuff’ what they ‘want’ an abuser to know.

So in not caring what they think, I am able to write about the hard stuff, like being suicidal, like when I am struggling.

And I’m aware many people relate to that honesty, and how I don’t hold parts of my journey back.

I wrote a post on my Lilly Hope Lucario page about this issue today……. Continue reading


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How some survivors of abuse – victim shame other survivors & it is narcissism ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have noted that far too often the survivors of abuse who need to feel like they are ‘strong warrior survivors’………. choose to also indulge in victim shaming.

They shame other survivors, for ‘not being strong enough’. They like to compare themselves to those who they want to deem to be weak.

They use toxic phrases like ‘don’t be a victim’. ‘I’m not a victim, so you should stop acting the victim’…. which is victim shaming….

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I remind survivors………… if you need to have the persona and identity of being a ‘strong warrior survivor’………. that’s okay – but do NOT shame others in the process.

You are not stronger than others, because when you shame other survivors – you are in fact showing your weakness….

Your weakness of little empathy, your selfish need to put others down – to boost your own ego driven identity.

And that is not strength at all.

In fact, it is being abusive.

Continue reading


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The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys Are Everywhere ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Something I have learned in life, is toxic people are everywhere. And their flying monkeys are everywhere too.

Flying monkeys are people who support toxic people. They encourage and condone the toxic persons behaviour. They make excuses for toxic people. Or they ignore the toxic persons bad behaviours and choose to only see what they want to believe is good behaviour. (The ‘good’ behaviour still only being the toxic persons self serving behaviour, as they don’t do anything good – unless it is serving themselves in some way).

Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, church people, co-workers, therapists.

You would think therapists would know better, but they can indeed be flying monkeys when they have a self serving vested interest in condoning the toxic persons behaviour.

Throughout my life, I have seen so many toxic people being supported by flying monkeys.

Both of my husbands, have family who are flying monkeys. They choose to ignore the bad their adult children choose to inflict, and ‘only see the good’. Making excuses for the toxic behaviour and not making their adult children accountable for their bad behaviour. This following on from their poor parenting in the toxic persons childhood. I see clearly how poor parenting – has lead to the child becoming an adult narcissist.

I’ve seen flying monkeys within families, workplaces, groups of friends, churches, therapists rooms. It goes on everywhere.

I’ve seen it happen many times over social media. People who I discerned being toxic, have their flying monkeys who condone the toxic persons behaviour – as long as there is some self serving need being met. They will stay connected to the toxic person – for as long as the toxic person is promoting their work, books etc. Continue reading


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Two posts about abusers & abuse, honesty & courage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Two posts I wrote today on my Lilly Hope Lucario Facebook page @

https://www.facebook.com/LillyHopeLucario


Just because there are some people who are unable to cope with the fact they were intentionally abused by someone who did not love them….
Does not give them the right to push their self serving abuser excuser beliefs, onto those of us who do deal with the truth.

Understanding the truth about abusers and the intentional motivation, along with knowing the abuser’s unwillingness to have remorse, empathy or reagrd for human suffering……
Does not make us someone lacking in compassion.

It makes us people with the capacity and courage for truth.

And I do have appropriate compassion for abusers – because I don’t wish them anything inappropriate. I don’t wish them ‘bad karma’, or any form of pay back.

But, I do understand the necessity for them to face the consequences of their chosen actions. Including legal action, contacting the police, jail time if necessary.

People who have beliefs that make excuses, enable, minimize etc – are not dealing with truth, reality and have no empathy for the victims.

In fact, they have no empathy for the abuser. Because making excuses and enabling an abuser – is not in the abusers best interests either.

So when people deem people like myself as ‘lacking in compassion’ for abusers – they are simply delusional. And greatly misled by their own self serving and self soothing needs.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I am so over seeing behaviours such as….. a lack of empathy, conscience, remorse, shame, guilt, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of regard for causing suffering to others…… classed as ‘mental illness’.

They are not about mental illness……….. they are being a shitty and abusive person.

They are all the character traits of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.

I’ve been abused by them all, and I know 100% they all knew what they were doing was wrong, they all caused abuse intentionally and they kept on doing it anyway.

Pretending or deluding self that ‘they can’t help it’ – is simply wrong.
Yes – they can help it, because they can all act differently around people.
They can all act ‘nicely’ when they are grooming potential prey, or are around people they want to impress.
They select the behaviours they want to have, around different types of people.
Showing they can indeed have self control.


There are too many ‘abuser excusers’ and flying monkeys in this world…….
Continue reading