Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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Perfect, Or Honest?

 


I Intrinsically Learned – What Is Toxic Thinking & Behaviour, Really Young ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I was having a conversation earlier, with my husband about my counselling appointment. This conversation led me to one of those big realisation moments, when previously confusing issues, become very clear.

I sadly, learned a lot about toxic people and the way they think. And I think this subconsciously taught what unhealthy, toxic thinking is and I intrinsically knew this was wrong.

An example……….. the psychopath who went to prison after several years of horrifically abusing me, had huge issues with revenge. And he believed that admitting to anything you do that’s wrong – was weakness. This is typical psychopath behaviour and I learned just how evil and heinous he could be. One phrase he repeated many times was ‘never admit you are wrong’. And he loved his revenge fantasies.

This will show the type of character I have, that comes naturally……… I did not spent even 1 second wondering whether he was being treated badly in prison or enjoying any thoughts of him getting his ‘karma’. Or hoping he was treated badly – so he could get some of ‘what he deserved’. I don’t think that way. Ever.

I haven’t had any trauma induced bad dreams about anything about revenge/ retribution/ karma. I don’t think about that when I’m awake. I don’t think about that when I’m asleep. And I don’t think those things subconsciously.

I have always known on an intrinsic core level

– they are wrong and they do not feature

in mind, heart or my soul.  

So, interestingly, the psychopath had huge revenge fantasies and exacted revenge on some people – yet I had absolutely zero revenge/karma fantasies about him – despite all the evil and heinous abuse I endured.

His issues with refusing to admit when wrong, and justifying that to himself as not being weak, is also something I knew was wrong. And I could not vocalise that at the time. I can and do admit when wrong, and always have done. I know that is a virtuous character trait, and it requires honesty, strength, decency and courage – that clearly the psychopath had none of.

In fact, not one single person who has abused me, has had the courage or decency to own it, admit it, apologise, have genuine remorse, or try to put it right. None of them.

Yet, despite enduring 45 years of that abuse……. I am completely different to them.

Being racist is one that I knew as a teenager was wrong. My step father was racist and it really bothered me. I think seeing that he was a heinous person…. and white, educated, heterosexual etc….. yet was a vile man who was part of a sex offender/paedophile gang. It subconsciously taught me a lot about not judging someone by their race, ethnic background, colour of their skin, sexual orientation etc.

I learned young that it is how people treat others – that defines their character. And my step father failed in every way. His racism was one of many things I knew made him toxic, and a hypocrite.

I know the first 20 years of my life, certainly opened my eyes to so much toxic thinking. And I knew it was wrong. And I have none of that thinking myself. And when others do have thinking now, that is similar to the thinking of all the toxic people in my life……… it flags as wrong and a big red flag.

I am glad to be someone, who chose to see all this

toxicity – as wrong and learned in my core being,

that this was not behaviour

I would ever consider as okay.

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People’s true motivations & integrity, matter the most to me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Being someone who has seen the real motivations, behind so many fake facades, and seen true evil in action…….. motivations matters to me.

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Every heinous person, who has abused me, had a fake façade they hid behind. Most heinous people, don’t show everyone the dark person they truly are. They hide that behind a very manipulative image, of someone who is far better than they really are.

Many people get duped by this façade. Many heinous people are experts at manipulation, and they fool many. Including mental health professionals – who you would think, would know how to spot manipulators.

When thinking about this, I remind myself, that even one of the world’s leading experts in psychopaths, admits he was fooled and manipulated by them. So, any mental health professional, who believes they would not be duped, are delusional.

Every single person I have known, who has been a toxic, character disordered person, has pretended to be better than they really are. They even delude themselves, they are a better person, that they truly are.

It is true that some heinous people actually do admit what they are. But, most don’t.

Their level of integrity – to show who they truly are, and be up front and honest – is zero.

And integrity and the honesty that requires…. matters to me.

Having been abused by psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, sex offenders, child abusers, paedophiles…….. I have considerable experience, in seeing their fake images, at work. Continue reading


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Life keeps on proving, why most people cannot be trusted ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Recent events, both online and offline, have made me wonder why I bother trying to trust people. Most people in this world, are untrustworthy. And life keeps on proving that to me.

There is a lot I could write, but I won’t. And actually I can’t be bothered. I’ve written it all before. Many times. Toxic people, selfish people, manipulative people…. are everywhere.

I am, however, at that point where I am beginning to not even care. I am not shocked by bad human behaviour. I am not shocked by selfishness. I am not shocked by dishonesty.

I find it vile, but I am not shocked.

I’ve been pretty upset about a situation today – that doesn’t even involve me, but does involve people who all claim to be something they really are not. Their capacity to delude themselves, is really strong.

You would think that those educated and knowledgeable about psychology, narcissism, human behaviours…….. would have a better standard for their own behaviour, than they have displayed. And I discerned these people as fake and dodgy, before they even had the opportunity to be toxic to me.

All this proves, is I need to build up relationships very slowly, very carefully and over a very long period of time, before any trust can be considered. This today, has been a needed reminder of that.

And keep in mind, my first counsellor said to me “no-one can ever be trusted 100%”. And I know many of the reasons why.

Dishonesty is at the root of them all.

People being dishonest with themselves, and/or with others.

And the human capacity to rationalise, justify and minimize – any of their own bad behaviours. Continue reading


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Two posts about abusers & abuse, honesty & courage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Two posts I wrote today on my Lilly Hope Lucario Facebook page @

https://www.facebook.com/LillyHopeLucario


Just because there are some people who are unable to cope with the fact they were intentionally abused by someone who did not love them….
Does not give them the right to push their self serving abuser excuser beliefs, onto those of us who do deal with the truth.

Understanding the truth about abusers and the intentional motivation, along with knowing the abuser’s unwillingness to have remorse, empathy or reagrd for human suffering……
Does not make us someone lacking in compassion.

It makes us people with the capacity and courage for truth.

And I do have appropriate compassion for abusers – because I don’t wish them anything inappropriate. I don’t wish them ‘bad karma’, or any form of pay back.

But, I do understand the necessity for them to face the consequences of their chosen actions. Including legal action, contacting the police, jail time if necessary.

People who have beliefs that make excuses, enable, minimize etc – are not dealing with truth, reality and have no empathy for the victims.

In fact, they have no empathy for the abuser. Because making excuses and enabling an abuser – is not in the abusers best interests either.

So when people deem people like myself as ‘lacking in compassion’ for abusers – they are simply delusional. And greatly misled by their own self serving and self soothing needs.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I am so over seeing behaviours such as….. a lack of empathy, conscience, remorse, shame, guilt, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of regard for causing suffering to others…… classed as ‘mental illness’.

They are not about mental illness……….. they are being a shitty and abusive person.

They are all the character traits of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.

I’ve been abused by them all, and I know 100% they all knew what they were doing was wrong, they all caused abuse intentionally and they kept on doing it anyway.

Pretending or deluding self that ‘they can’t help it’ – is simply wrong.
Yes – they can help it, because they can all act differently around people.
They can all act ‘nicely’ when they are grooming potential prey, or are around people they want to impress.
They select the behaviours they want to have, around different types of people.
Showing they can indeed have self control.


There are too many ‘abuser excusers’ and flying monkeys in this world…….
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