I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading
I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading →
From the article….
The patient wanted to know, and her therapist — Marsha M. Linehan of the University of Washington, creator of a treatment used worldwide for severely suicidal people — had a ready answer. It was the one she always used to cut the question short, whether a patient asked it hopefully, accusingly or knowingly, having glimpsed the macramé of faded burns, cuts and welts on Dr. Linehan’s arms:
“You mean, have I suffered?”
“No, Marsha,” the patient replied, in an encounter last spring. “I mean one of us. Like us. Because if you were, it would give all of us so much hope.”
“That did it,” said Dr. Linehan, 68, who told her story in public for the first time last week before an audience of friends, family and doctors at the Institute of Living, the Hartford clinic where she was first treated for extreme social withdrawal at age 17. “So many people have begged me to come forward, and I just thought — well, I have to do this. I owe it to them. I cannot die a coward.” Continue reading →
The words in this article echo my insight and understanding of the harm platitudes and toxic attitudes about trauma, cause.
From the article…
Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.
That’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.
It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist—and that is why I share actionable tools and strategies to work with your pain in my free newsletter. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve heard these countless times. You’ve probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.
Let me be crystal clear: if you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.
Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.
So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:
Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on an increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed.
They can only be carried.
I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn’t. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we’ve replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence. Continue reading →
I often feel like an alien on this planet. I see and understand things most people don’t.
I am always so glad to read Jeff Brown’s posts and comments.
Today I saw this comment from Jeff, in response to someone on his page commenting about Eckhart Tolle.
Thank God for people like Jeff Brown. Thank God he also has the discernment to know fake and false ‘teachers’.
Jeff makes me feel like I am not an alien. I am not totally alone. There are souls out there, who see and understand human emotions and human behaviour – on a much deeper level. As I do. Continue reading →
Today, I shared the blog I wrote about how empathy for complex trauma survivors in therapy relationships is vital. And how therapists speaking in a clinical, non ‘normal’ emotions way, flags as unsafe and hinders building enough trust and safety in the therapeutic relationship.
I’ve had a lot of really positive feedback about that blog post, including from therapists.
This was some feedback I received today. I’m aware I have insight that really helps people, and this gives me hope for my book helping people in the same way.
I am thankful I have insight into my journey and can express that to others, in a meaningful way. Continue reading →
I think it’s helpful for anyone following my blog, to know some of my blog posts are advice that may help others.
Some are purely for myself, which may not be something others need, or feel they resonate with.
I don’t share every blog post on Twitter.
I only share the ones I feel may resonate or be helpful.
Some blog posts, are venting, getting my anger, or upset out. Some are when I need to challenge myself and my thinking, behaviours, actions. But, are not intended to be advice for others.
I also don’t believe my blog, my journey and my healing, are what everyone experiences, or needs.
We are all different and we all have different journeys and needs. And I am very aware of that. I have empathy and insight outside of my own journey.
This may be helpful for people to know.
I see so many unwise, dishonest quotes travelling social media. They truly are bizarre to me. All they show is a lack of self honesty and a lack of self insight.
This quote is one of them…
For any person to believe their heart is pure, is basically saying they are perfect. No-one is perfect. No-one is without thoughts that are not perfectly good. Everyone has thoughts, that are imperfect and no-one is ‘never’ selfish at some point.
It takes courage to admit this.
I absolutely agree, there is a continuum people are on, and too many people are too far up the selfish, self serving continuum………. and some are far less selfish, and far less self serving.
But, no-one is pure. No-one is perfect.
It is an unhealthy ego, that believes their heart is pure and not capable of improvement.
All this quote shows to me, is this black and white thinking issue, many people have. Where they believe in something absolutely and have little self insight, or self honesty.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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In counselling today, we discussed this issue I have had, of positively labelling myself courageous, brave. I feel that I have the capacity and have demonstrated enough courage and bravery, to see why people label me as such…. but struggle with these labels.
The result of this discussion…….I have demonstrated these over decades of time. To survive all I have, and take care of myself for as long as I did, is ‘enough’ to earn me these labels.
We also discussed the term ‘warrior’ and I see that can shame people and why. I do have considerable insight and reflection capacity, to see this is a label, that people can give themselves to cope. They need it as an identity. But, it also shames others, who are not seen as being ‘warriors’. Which is not okay. I don’t want to shame anyone. I don’t need that label. I am human, I struggle at times. I don’t want the burden of trying to live up to the ‘warrior’ image. I don’t need that label as my armour – to help define my self image/identity. This was confirmed as healthy.
But, the outcome of discussing all this, is I have demonstrated enough bravery, courage, inner strength, resilience, insight, honesty, empathy…. to indeed call myself those descriptions. Without any clarification needed.
My counsellor does feel my ‘not good enough’ issues due to all the childhood abuse, have played into my issues with not accepting these labels/descriptions, in full. So, it is good I worked that out too. The ‘not good enough’ is something many narcissistic parent survivors, deal with. I see how mine, have affected me.
I don’t have to have 100% perfection – every single day – in courage and bravery etc…. to be ‘good enough’ to call myself these. No-one has perfection in these. What I have already demonstrated and continue to demonstrate over decades, ‘is enough’ to earn these descriptions.
We also discussed my recent thoughts about accepting complements, why I have struggled with them and how I am now dealing with them. Which was described as more self reflection, more insight. And definitely a healthy way to view compliments now. For example, someone calling me very beautiful. I can accept graciously, that is someone’s opinion. And that is okay. It is also okay if people don’t think I’m beautiful. I’m totally okay either way, and don’t ‘need’ people to think I’m beautiful.
What was interesting, was my counsellor stating, Continue reading →
I receive a lot of feedback about my work, here on this blog, my website and social media platforms.
Anyone can write about the symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD. And anyone can post generalised positive quotes etc.
But, it takes deep insight and empathy, to write about the deeper issues we face, and the deeper consequences of severe trauma and complex trauma.
I am thankful I am able to help many people, in a meaningful way. And to be writing about issues, most people are not writing about, that I know impact survivors lives, often in ways they don’t even understand.
And to be writing in a very honest way, as to how these issues impact and affect my life too. So people know, they are not alone. Someone understands.
As I have already blogged, a lot of people define and label me as brave, courageous, honest, insightful etc…. and I receive continual messages, emails etc…. about this.
I realised recently, I have had to survive toxic dangerous people, all through my childhood, including a psychopath, who killed a former girlfriend/victim/prey. By the age of 20, I had survived a considerable amount of severe abuse and trauma. And then survive more abuse and trauma throughout my adulthood.
The results of this, are my capacity for courage, being brave, inner strength, resilience, honesty, insight etc…. are deeper than average. Purely because of my non average life experiences. And not all survivors of severe complex trauma gain a lot of insight. But I have.
We discussed this today in counselling. Until recently, I have been confused as to why people see my capacity for courage, bravery, survival, honesty, insight, as something extraordinary. Something very unusual. Then I realised my normal, is not everyone’s normal. Your average person, does not have the capacity for that level of courage, or honesty, or insight, of depth of thinking. It’s not ‘normal’ for people to be as honest about themselves, as I am. Including when I screw up, and deal with it immediately, honestly, openly, fully, publicly, with no excuses.
So, I am no longer confused. And when I receive these compliments and nice descriptions of myself, I can just accept them for what they are. People are recognising my strengths, and that’s okay.
We also discussed these labels, of ‘brave’, ‘courageous’, ‘honest’, ‘insightful’, ‘thoughtful’, ‘intelligent’, ’empathic’. My counsellor has described me as all these throughout my therapy.
I do accept I have the capacity for all of these. And this has been clearly demonstrated throughout my life and throughout my counselling. And my counsellor is not into labelling people, so I do see that describing me as all these, is definitely something she believes.
We also discussed the amount of support from mental health professionals, I have. And how Continue reading →