I think I am becoming one of those ‘I prefer animals to humans’ people

I am aware it is not uncommon for people who have suffered and been betrayed considerably in life, to become people who love the company of animals, rather than people.

I have only this year, had a dog in my life. She’s such lovely company. She’s still a puppy, and she’s playful and a little mischievous and simply adorable.

Animals offer that kind of love and affection, you don’t need to question. They are loyal. Traits that few people have that I have known in my life, have had.

The older I get, the less I want to spend time with people. My fortnightly ladies group, is enough people interaction for me. And I actually don’t want to get to know any of the ladies, more than needed for these group chats. I don’t want to find out things that make me anxious, or have to worry about.

I love being with my children, my dog and limited time with other people.

I do know I am introvert, who was always trying to be an extrovert, because extroverts are lorded as being how we should all be. Which is rubbish. Now, I don’t feel the need to try to be an extrovert. 

I’m not a people person, and I don’t have to be.

I have accepted I am not a people person. Not because I don’t like people, or don’t care about them. I just don’t want to interact with most people.

There are those who will say this is wrong. We were created to be interactive with people. Be part of groups. Be social.

Well, I’m not. Good or bad, that is the way it is.

I’m done with interacting with people. Bottom line.

I feel like I have lived 10 lifetimes of dealing with people, mostly bad stuff.

I used to think I would be a counsellor, as I do deeply want abuse survivors, to have good counselling. But, I accept this is not my path. I don’t have what’s needed to interact with people on a daily basis.

I don’t want to be around people. Not because I hate them, or dislike them, or think their differences to me are bad. I just don’t want to interact with people anymore than I absolutely have to.

And there are no ‘rules’ that say I have to.

If I spend the rest of my life, raising my family, working on my own healing, writing, listening to music, feeling safe and content in my home….who can say that is wrong and not okay?

I’m an introvert, a loner and I know this now.

I don’t like society. I don’t like seeing negative stuff I see all the time. It is who I am. And I have fully accepted that.

Maybe it will change. I can’t say it won’t. But right now….I am okay with being me.

Very introverted. Needing to be in my safe place. Doing what makes me feel safe. And blocking out anything that feels unsafe,  all the bullshit society perpetuates, and everyone else’s issues.

I’ve dealt with other people’s issues all my life.

I’m done with it.

And even on my Facebook page, I have now set a few people to ‘aquaintances’ because I don’t like what they promote and I don’t like their view on life as I see it is very unhealthy. I don’t want to offend them by un-liking them, but I don’t want them seeing my posts and I don’t want to see theirs. So I post now as friends except aquaintances.

My life is easier, when I don’t have to see/read other people’s issues.

I guessed Robin Williams was abused as a child.

I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.

This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.

Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department.^[17] Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School),^[18] both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny.^[19] When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963,^[18] his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School.^[20] He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team.^[21] In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.^[22] He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.^[22] Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.^[22]

Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.”

I will rarely, if ever, meet ‘my people’. Realisations that hit hard.

“Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people” ~ Lana Del Rey – Ride (Extended version).

All this processing about myself, understanding who I am, realising I am what some describe as an ‘old soul’, knowing I am indeed very different to most people, and beyond my years in wisdom, is necessary and I need to do this, to understand myself fully..

But also highlights, that I will rarely find anyone who is like me.

I’ve wanted my ‘family’, or at least people who ‘get me’ all my life. People who are there for me, in the capacity I need.

And I won’t have this.

I’m getting better at realising I am an introvert and now I do cherish and enjoy my own company. But, I am honest to know I still have that need within me to find ‘my people’.

I face continuing a life of loneliness, from lacking connections I need – emotionally for my inner child, or on a level of maturity and wisdom for my old soul, or on a level of spiritual progression, as I have been told I have bypassed where most church people will remain.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

I love humanity, but I don’t love society – that is another quote that resonates with me.

I care deeply about humanity, I hate sin and abuse, poverty and suffering.

I don’t want anyone to suffer. Not even the people who cause the suffering.

But, sadly my life has shown me way too often, that people can and will hurt you. And no, this is not my fault, because it was always their choice to make – to either abuse – or not abuse, to either hurt – or not hurt. Their choices to do wrong, cause harm, were not about anything I did, or didn’t do.

I refuse to allow victims blaming and I take full ownership of all I have done wrong in my life. I am committed to become a better person and not do wrong, not sin and I want to grow and develop. I listen to wise advice and I will change where I need to.

It will take me time to fully process, that I am actually an introvert.

Having always driven hard to be an extrovert, being someone who has always talked too much, I always assumed I was an extrovert, but still struggled with anxiety and actually hated everyone looking at me, hated public speaking, don’t even do well in groups talking.

Interestingly, the only thing I have ever been okay with being an extrovert about, is dancing. And that doesn’t involve speaking.

I like one-on-one talking. I get overwhelmed with several people. I struggle to take everything in as I process everything so deeply. Processing at the depth I do and being so vigilant, means I have to concentrate really hard and it’s impossible to watch closely when there are several people.

I’ve always observed closely, taken everything in, even when talking myself. It’s exhausting.

I pick up on so much about people, that others won’t. Partly my hyper vigilance, but also because I am an avid observer of life.

I like talking about important, meaningful things. I don’t really like small talk, although I do participate in it, with people I have little in common with.

I do like humour and I have a sense of humour, which can be quite child-like at times, which I am aware is my inner child, needing to be heard and have joy. And that’s okay, in a safe context/situation.

I like and crave my own company now. I love writing, listening to music, singing, thinking, researching, day dreaming, dancing, helping others without the need to actually speak.

I’ve always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to deep loneliness.

I’ve only recently worked out that I have always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to being deeply lonely.

I’ve always talked too much, due to anxiety. I partied to numb the pain. I lived life on full throttle, to avoid the pain. I did a lot that was due to numbing the pain and loneliness within me.

Now, I am what I am. I am happiest at home, writing, working, helping others, pursuing my calling, my passion, seeking wisdom, healing.

I trust very few and open up to even fewer.

If I make time for you in my life, I really care about you.

I don’t need many people.

But they need to be genuine, interesting, empathic, honest. If they aren’t, I will not get close to them anymore.