I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.
I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.
The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.
Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.
Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.
It’s harder than feeling self hatred.
I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.
Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument. Continue reading