Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.

I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.

The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.

Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.

Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.

It’s harder than feeling self hatred.

I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.

Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument.

I don’t want to die, but I ain’t keen on living either…

I don’t belong here.

I know that.

I’ve always known that.

I look forward to my real home, when I get there.

I will rarely, if ever, meet ‘my people’. Realisations that hit hard.

“Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people” ~ Lana Del Rey – Ride (Extended version).

All this processing about myself, understanding who I am, realising I am what some describe as an ‘old soul’, knowing I am indeed very different to most people, and beyond my years in wisdom, is necessary and I need to do this, to understand myself fully..

But also highlights, that I will rarely find anyone who is like me.

I’ve wanted my ‘family’, or at least people who ‘get me’ all my life. People who are there for me, in the capacity I need.

And I won’t have this.

I’m getting better at realising I am an introvert and now I do cherish and enjoy my own company. But, I am honest to know I still have that need within me to find ‘my people’.

I face continuing a life of loneliness, from lacking connections I need – emotionally for my inner child, or on a level of maturity and wisdom for my old soul, or on a level of spiritual progression, as I have been told I have bypassed where most church people will remain.

I have ‘woken up’ & all around I see people still asleep.

In fact, I was always half awake, due to all the abuse I endured. I had to see and know far more than any child should.

I’ve always seen so much and it has confused me, baffled me, disgusted me, astounded me – at how people can act the way they do – and actually think it is okay.

I tried to fit it, do as society did.

Now, I don’t.

So, I always was alone and always will be.

Awake, but alone.

I know I need to start socialising again and have some new rules for myself.

I know I need to start getting out of the house. Having contact with people in the real world.

This scares the crap outta me, to be quite frank. But, I cannot stay agoraphobic forever.

But, after recent events in the last few months, events over the last few years and events throughout my entire life, I am at the point of deciding, I never intend to speak about any of my ‘stuff’ to anyone again, apart from my husband and my counsellors.

Not because I shouldn’t be open and honest about it – but because the reactions of others, is so hurtful, that I can’t cope with it.

Having been ignored by further people, after reaching out and telling them I was so low, and then hearing their excuses that were totally self interested, means I am at an all time low on trust and ever wanting to trust. Anyone.