Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

garden of eden

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Continue reading

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No matter how confused I am…. this faith stuff is not going away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.

I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.

I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.

I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.

I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.

I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.

I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.

I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.

I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.

I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.

Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?

Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?

I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.

My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.

confusion

But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Continue reading


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How is wasting half a billion dollars, Christ-like?

There is a bizarre situation occurring here in Australia. Many are demanding a plebiscite to have their say on gay marriage/marriage equality. Because they don’t want it made legal. So, in order to ‘have their say’, they want to waste half a billion dollars.

Gay marriage will be a reality. It’s going to happen. Whether you like it or not. Whether you agree with it or not.

So wasting half a billion dollars, just to delay the inevitable, is what many want.

Ummm…. wasn’t Jesus all about helping the poor, the marginalised, the ignored, the abused etc ????

The Jesus I know, would want that money used to help the homeless, help domestic violence survivors, help those with mental health issues, help track and stop abusive people like paedophiles grooming children on line, to help prevent more child sexual abuse..etc.

Aren’t these the kinds of people and huge issues, we should be spending half a billion dollars on? Aren’t they the poor, the marginalised, the abused, the ignored, the suffering?

Do people really want to waste half a billion dollars, trying to stop people from proving their love and devotion to each other in marriage…… rather than help people who are suffering? Clearly the suffering, are not their priority. Continue reading


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I feel most alive, helping other people who are suffering, struggling and in pain.

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This is so true.

I don’t care what religion, nationality, race, sexuality, gender etc….

I just want to help people who are suffering, from abuse and trauma – they should never endured and never deserved.

I’ve always known, this is my calling.

My email is now really blowing up….messages via my website, all the notifications from Tumblr, my Twitter followers have jumped up a lot, and my views here on this Blog are now well over 1000 every day. Continue reading


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Knowing when it’s time to move on…as it sits well with my soul.

I made a decision, to try hard to move on from all the spiritual and emotional abuse I have endured, from a minister, church and all the people involved. Some of whom, absolutely intentionally abused me, and some unintentionally. But, the fact remains, it doesn’t ‘matter’ whether intentional or not, the hurt, harm and abuse is still painful.

People who think that the

consequences and pain of abuse,

are somehow ‘less’ because they didn’t

‘intend’ to hurt you,

only believe this for their own needs,

to feel less responsible and

feel better about themselves.

The harm and pain of abuse is equal, regardless of intentionality.

And I have every right to have felt intense emotions about all this. To feel hurt, pain, betrayal, abused, abandoned, rejected and deep grieving. I don’t need anyone’s permission, or approval or validation, to my needed and appropriate emotions and reactions. Anyone who thinks differently – again – this is their own self serving needs.

I made a decision, to move on from all this,

because I cannot deal with a

corrupt, abusive religious system,

where no-one involved has the

spiritual courage

to step up with you.

I realised, I cannot do this on my own, and I don’t have to. Many others were brought into it – and they all failed to deal with it. Failed God, failed me, failed future victims. Of course, they will all deny that. It takes courage to be honest and accept failure. Not something most are capable of. They will all be more concerned with reputations, towing the line, protecting the churches reputation, perpetrator protecting, failing to step up and using the excuse they ‘had to stay within the boundaries of their specific roles’. Yeah bullshit, perfect excuse that. Your boundaries of your role are more important than God? Sounds like your boundaries of your role, are your idol. All of these issues, are your idols. They will all remain in denial of that and that is ‘their’ issues. Continue reading


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I am researching spiritual abuse/perpetrator protecting within organised Christianity.

These links have given me a lot of food for thought.

http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/

http://www.marydemuth.com/spiritual-abuse-10-ways-to-spot-it/

http://www.barnabasministry.com/recovery-uncovering.html

http://www.godswordtowomen.org/Grady.htm

http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200102/112_ministering_to_abused.cfm

 

 


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Some days, the only thing that keeps me going, is Jesus.

 

Some days, Jesus is the only reason I can get out of bed, the only person who I believe really loves me, the only person who I believe is on my side and wants to protect me, the only person I can rely on and trust.

I know when I feel like I am down to nothing, and there seems no other way, Jesus is there.

He’s always there. Loving me through all my good, bad and ugly. All I do right, all I do wrong. All my good thoughts, all my bad.

Even when I don’t believe I deserve His love, He is still there. Still loving me.

❤ ❤ Jesus ❤ ❤