What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’.

No matter how confused I am…. this faith stuff is not going away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.

I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.

I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.

I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.

I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.

I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.

I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.

I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.

I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.

I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.

Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?

Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?

I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.

My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.

But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him?

How is wasting half a billion dollars, Christ-like?

There is a bizarre situation occurring here in Australia. Many are demanding a plebiscite to have their say on gay marriage/marriage equality. Because they don’t want it made legal. So, in order to ‘have their say’, they want to waste half a billion dollars.

Gay marriage will be a reality. It’s going to happen. Whether you like it or not. Whether you agree with it or not.

So wasting half a billion dollars, just to delay the inevitable, is what many want.

Ummm…. wasn’t Jesus all about helping the poor, the marginalised, the ignored, the abused etc ????

The Jesus I know, would want that money used to help the homeless, help domestic violence survivors, help those with mental health issues, help track and stop abusive people like paedophiles grooming children on line, to help prevent more child sexual abuse..etc.

Aren’t these the kinds of people and huge issues, we should be spending half a billion dollars on? Aren’t they the poor, the marginalised, the abused, the ignored, the suffering?

Do people really want to waste half a billion dollars, trying to stop people from proving their love and devotion to each other in marriage…… rather than help people who are suffering? Clearly the suffering, are not their priority.

I feel most alive, helping other people who are suffering, struggling and in pain.

This is so true.

I don’t care what religion, nationality, race, sexuality, gender etc….

I just want to help people who are suffering, from abuse and trauma – they should never endured and never deserved.

I’ve always known, this is my calling.

My email is now really blowing up….messages via my website, all the notifications from Tumblr, my Twitter followers have jumped up a lot, and my views here on this Blog are now well over 1000 every day.

Knowing when it’s time to move on…as it sits well with my soul.

I made a decision, to try hard to move on from all the spiritual and emotional abuse I have endured, from a minister, church and all the people involved. Some of whom, absolutely intentionally abused me, and some unintentionally. But, the fact remains, it doesn’t ‘matter’ whether intentional or not, the hurt, harm and abuse is still painful.

People who think that the

consequences and pain of abuse,

are somehow ‘less’ because they didn’t

‘intend’ to hurt you,

only believe this for their own needs,

to feel less responsible and

feel better about themselves.

The harm and pain of abuse is equal, regardless of intentionality.

And I have every right to have felt intense emotions about all this. To feel hurt, pain, betrayal, abused, abandoned, rejected and deep grieving. I don’t need anyone’s permission, or approval or validation, to my needed and appropriate emotions and reactions. Anyone who thinks differently – again – this is their own self serving needs.

I made a decision, to move on from all this,

because I cannot deal with a

corrupt, abusive religious system,

where no-one involved has the

spiritual courage

to step up with you.

I realised, I cannot do this on my own, and I don’t have to. Many others were brought into it – and they all failed to deal with it. Failed God, failed me, failed future victims. Of course, they will all deny that. It takes courage to be honest and accept failure. Not something most are capable of. They will all be more concerned with reputations, towing the line, protecting the churches reputation, perpetrator protecting, failing to step up and using the excuse they ‘had to stay within the boundaries of their specific roles’. Yeah bullshit, perfect excuse that. Your boundaries of your role are more important than God? Sounds like your boundaries of your role, are your idol. All of these issues, are your idols. They will all remain in denial of that and that is ‘their’ issues.

I am researching spiritual abuse/perpetrator protecting within organised Christianity.

These links have given me a lot of food for thought.

http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/

http://www.marydemuth.com/spiritual-abuse-10-ways-to-spot-it/

http://www.barnabasministry.com/recovery-uncovering.html

http://www.godswordtowomen.org/Grady.htm

http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200102/112_ministering_to_abused.cfm

 

 

Some days, the only thing that keeps me going, is Jesus.

 

Some days, Jesus is the only reason I can get out of bed, the only person who I believe really loves me, the only person who I believe is on my side and wants to protect me, the only person I can rely on and trust.

I know when I feel like I am down to nothing, and there seems no other way, Jesus is there.

He’s always there. Loving me through all my good, bad and ugly. All I do right, all I do wrong. All my good thoughts, all my bad.

Even when I don’t believe I deserve His love, He is still there. Still loving me.

❤ ❤ Jesus ❤ ❤

I am every immature church persons…..nightmare….especially for the men.

I realise that my challenging of so much I see within churches, is a freakin’ nightmare for many.

Especially all those who have been brought up in churches – where as children they are forced to have blind obedience and submission and of course ‘women must keep quiet’.

I do see, I am very problematic to all these deceived people, stuck at a very immature level of faith – at stage 3, where most will remain all their lives, very evidently leading to these mind controlled, sheep like people, who don’t challenge, don’t question, just accept, believe what they are told, like docile sheep.

I see the fact that I challenge the mind controlled issues many have, is very unusual to them – and they will not like this and I won’t create many friends.

But, you know, my faith, is the most important part of my life and I don’t intend to compromise that – to make friends with deluded, deceived church people.

I am way beyond that and just because they can’t understand that – is not my issue – it is theirs and it is their sin, to not challenge themselves and their thinking.

I know a ‘woman’ challenging men in conservative, right wing churches – is such a huge issue to them!!! Poor darlings, I know their ego’s get hurt by that and it threatens their need to be dominant and be ‘the man’.

Forgiveness for abusers is one thing, empathy for future victims, is about action.

We live in a society that believes many things that are often all for self. Egocentric.

Many people believe the end of the line in dealing with abuse, is about personal healing and for some, forgiveness.

This is all about self needs.

But, what about future victims? Many don’t often care about that. I do. I care a lot.

Even my faith, the religious side of Christianity, many church people believe forgiveness, is the ‘be all and end all’. It’s not for me. I care about what will happen to others, because I have empathy and I am not ‘all about me’.

I don’t believe for one second that God requires His people to just forgive and move on. Did Jesus model that? Did he just stand there, watch abuse occur, do nothing and just forgive them and move on?

Of course he didn’t. He acted. Not in a way to repay evil with evil, but to stand up to evil and expose the abuse, lies and those being deceived.

I still under-estimate myself and my courage.

Having a particularly bad week, so doctor who is away, advised I see another doctor. I stated I was feeling numb and doubted I would be able to talk.

He is a nice man and happens to be the person who mediated at the mediation where I was further abused by the narc pastor. So at least I have met him, this doctor has seen them in action and knew a little about what had gone on.

I ended up being able to tell a fair bit about how I feel, and the two separate situations occurring;

(1) The current abuse situation, of spiritual/grooming about by a pastor and the subsequent lies, cover up, whitewashing, corruption by the in-house investigators and the Baptist Church, all of which had been confirmed to me, is correct, is abuse, is very wrong, not remotely Godly and I have grounds to take legal action about. And I know – they would not have lied and stated crap in that report – unless they needed to for dodgy reasons.

And then, the abuser getting promoted – which is clearly a very suspicious and dodgy move by the Baptist Church and more evidence of their abusive and non Godly actions. And my shock about this and my reasons why.

This alone being bad enough to endure, and causing huge layers of distress I feel for others who will be infected by this and sheer disgust at how so called ‘Christians’ act – which goes on far too much in Christianity. How there is no-where near enough emotional courage and spiritual integrity within churches, and within denominational hierarchy’s, to deal with these abusive people appropriately. And how I know everyone involved in this, has failed. Regardless of their reasons for justifying it.

And people abused within churches – are often treated very badly. That is common too.