Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ – allegorical meaning, not literal.


I’ve always known this Bible verse was not meant in a literal meaning. I just knew. Jesus’ spirit.

I remember telling the pastor (who later abused me) when I first started church 5 years ago, that I believed what I had read that the rod – was meant for guiding and leading, not to hit.

He disagreed of course. He likes abuse and feels very entitled to abuse.


I do my small part, as one person, to explain wrong ‘Christian’ abusive views.

I am only one person, I’m still in my own healing journey. Trying to cope with, recover from a severe trauma history.

I see so many abusive views held by too many church people. I’ve endured them and I know God wants this used to help others.

God needs His people who understand who He is, to help others.

But, I am not under any ego/illusion that I am going to ‘change the world’. I can only do what I can, and help a few people. My gift is writing, which isn’t amazing in any way, but it is honest, real, relatable, and many people clearly value it.

My experiences in life are mostly about ‘abuse’. So this is what I write about mostly and also I incorporate the abuse I know and have seen and have endured by church people.

It offends my soul, when God, Jesus’ Word is used to abuse people. It is an added layer of disgust for me and whether intentional, or not, it is evil occurring. Continue reading


Some very needed messages, I need to hear right now.

I do need to remember, I am loved, believed, valued and validated, by Jesus.

I do need to remember that no matter how many times other people fail in my life, being transparent, honest and courage, is always required.

I do need to remember, to reject the enemies lies, no matter how many other people swallow them.

Hold strong in the truth and what I know is right.

No matter how painful that ends up being, due to the failure, lies, lack of courage, lack of honesty of others.

No matter whether in all reality, I am alone in this. In human terms.

The right path, is a lonely one, with few others on it.

I don’t know the Bible reference, but I know it says somewhere ‘The joy of the Lord, is my strength’.

I will hold on to that.

‘Old Soul’ test – 98%.

Are You An Old Soul? Take The Test!

Do you tend to feel older than what your age reflects? You may be part of a unique group of people called Old Souls. Take our free Old Soul test to discover your unique percentage score!

Are You An Old Soul? Take The Test!


You have reached 98 of 100 points, (98%)

If you got 60 points or above, you are an Old Soul.

As an Old Soul, you find that your outlook on life is vastly different and more matured than those around you. As a result, you tend to live your life internally, walking your own solitary path, while everyone else walks another. Therefore, you often feel alien among other people, and can experience profound feelings of loneliness. You may find that you:

⦁ Tend to be a loner.
⦁ Love knowledge, wisdom and truth.
⦁ Are spiritually inclined.
⦁ Understand the transience of life.
⦁ Tend to be thoughtful and introspective.
⦁ See the “bigger picture”.
⦁ Avoid materialism.
⦁ Tend to feel “old”, e.g. world wary, mentally tired or detached.

Famous Old Souls: Carl Jung, Shirley MacLaine, Leonardo Da Vinci, Morgan Freeman, Gurdjieff, Alice Walker, Thich Nhat Hanh, Jesus of Nazareth, William Blake, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Jesse Jackson, Walk Whitman, J. S. Bach, Mother Teresa, Robert Frost, Eckhart Tolle, Paul Gauguin, Ramana Maharshi, Kahlil Gibran, Meryl Streep, Diogenes, Whoopi Goldberg, Kurt Vonnegut, Malcolm X, Emily Dickinson, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Oscar Wilde, Lao Tzu, Mohandas Gandhi.


Wow, I have written many times I feel like an alien and I don’t belong here.

I’m always talking about how I see the ‘bigger picture’.

I do not like materialism, at all.

In fact, everything mentioned in these articles about being an ‘old soul’, describes me.


My healing journey is dramatic, painful, lengthy.

My healing journey is dramatic, painful, lengthy…..because my past severe, multiple trauma history of decades of abuse….is dramatic, painful, lengthy.

Many people assume a healing journey should take a certain amount of time. They are wrong. This is just judgment and lack of insight.

A severe, multiple abuse/trauma history takes time to process and heal. And however, long it takes, is okay.

Processing everything, can take time, because the survivor needs to process everything at a certain pace, to cope with the pain of the reality of what has occurred to them.

This isn’t wrong. This is wise, needed. Because otherwise the pain can be so overwhelming, the person does not survive.
Continue reading

Progress = when I see an abuser & don’t feel a sharp anxiety increase :)

Saw the narcissistic church minister earlier, when I picked my child up from school.

I saw his car right in front of me, at a junction, had to drive past him. Saw him see us and then turn away.

I felt nothing. No anxiety increase. No emotions. Nothing…. Yay!

My son saw him too and asked me if I was okay, bless him, and I said I was. So, that is a huge improvement on the last time I saw him a few weeks back.

I actually can’t quite believe how I wanted that man to my brother. How I trusted him, despite seeing all the red flags in his and his wife’s behaviours, the fake-ness, the deep need for people to look up to them. The deep insecurities. The lies. The masks.

I am aware due to my past, why I have been drawn to narcissistic, selfish people – being an empath, as I am. It is very typical of the psychology of being abused by narcissists/sociopaths as a child, to be drawn to them, as an adult. I have self compassion, for why this occurred. And I know I have been easy prey for these vampires.

I am now very aware of the……’Narc/sociopath – Apath – Empath’….psychology, that occurs.

I feel really calm right now, even writing about this.

Thank you Jesus.


No expectations. No disappointments.

I my life experiences, I have learned, that expectation of people, leads to getting hurt.

Humans, are deeply sinful. Often lacking in integrity. Often very selfish. Often dishonest.

I have tried many times, to trust people, to expect good, and mostly been very disappointed, very hurt too often, abused too much. Yes, I probably expect too much from people…like honesty. Like…wisdom. Like…unselfishness. These seem beyond the capacity of many.

I feel very disconnected from society, from people. Always have done. I’ve always seen all these issues people have and tolerated them, assumed it was me that had the problem. Now, I know it isn’t me.

It’s hard being someone with life wisdom, a deeper understanding of people’s issues than they have of themselves, with growing psychology understanding.

I am a Christian, I am meant to tolerate people, and I always have. I still do. But, in no way, is my increasing awareness of humanity, giving me more capacity to trust in people, in fact it is exactly the opposite. And Jesus knew not to trust people, He knew all the disciples would fail Him. And they did, when the shit hit the fan. A perfect Biblical illustration of human weakness. Yes, He still loved them, but He knew not to trust them.

If you never trust, you never expect, you don’t end up disappointed, don’t get hurt. After my life, it is the way I know I need to be.

I don’t think people who lack courage, who lack honesty, who lack integrity, who lack compassion, who can’t be trusted – are bad. They are who they are. But, I know all too well the hurt and harm this can cause and does cause.

I’ve always said, to trust anyone, to expect good to happen, to expect anything good from people – has always been my greatest form of self harm – and it was. Continue reading

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When I feel like I have nothing else…’Jesus got the love’

Love this song.

Been playing it a lot lately 🙂

I relate to the lyrics.


Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior’s love is real
Your love is real
Continue reading


Nothing offends me more, than vulnerable people targeted for abuse, in the name of God.

I will never be apathetic about this.


I don’t care what people think of me, about this either.

Jesus was not apathetic about abuse, or God being used as the excuse, and He got angry.

He is my role model, no-one else.

I am a Christian, wanting to be more like Jesus, not trying to be more like ‘Christians’ – who are mostly just church people.


I know that, but sadly most church people don’t.

If church people want to be apathetic, well that’s their sin and shame to deal with, not mine.

And they can harp about grace, their cheap grace all they like, cheap grace is sin too. Cheap grace is for non Christians. For people who have no spiritual integrity.