Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


People who tell half the story, to cover their arse.

I’ve seen this so many times. People who are selective about which parts of a situation they own up to. People who deliberately avoid speaking about their actions that really caused harm.

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Telling half a story and avoiding the parts that show you are in the wrong and hurt someone badly, is lying.

It’s dishonesty.

It’s a lack of courage.

It’s a lack of integrity.

It’s manipulating the truth, to cover your arse.

It’s manipulating the truth, to avoid responsibility and accountability.

It’s pathetic.

I don’t trust such people and people who engage in this behaviour, often show their true colours when pushed. Continue reading

It’s really painful when abuse is minimized & trivialised.

I’ve had this happen all my life. Everyone who has abused me and treated me badly, has lied about it, made excuses, minimized it, blamed me etc. And those around them, do the exactly the same.

I’ve spent my entire life, having to deal with the pain – that minimizing and trivialising ongoing intentional abuse/harm, causes. And seeing people making excuses for abusers, who have consciously and intentionally caused a lot of harm.

I’m over my past being dragged into it. My past has nothing to do with why toxic people, cause harm. That’s their issues. I am not tolerating my past being the scapegoat – to excuse their lies/deception/manipulation…. when they were like they are, way before I was part of their life. Continue reading

The pathological lying, of a narcissist, others are detecting.

narcissists lies

I heard today, I am being lied about, by a narcissist. One who borders on being a psychopath. I already knew this would be happening. I expected it because narcissists have patterns of disordered behaviours and are pathological liars. When their fragile, toxic ego is upset, they will do anything and everything to be divisive. Including all the lies they are able to tell, with no conscience, no remorse.

The interesting part is, the person involved being lied to, stated she caught the narcissist person out lying at least 3 times, during a conversation. So, it is interesting to see, that other people can indeed see and detect the lies, the drama, the manipulation going on.

Other people apparently, are being sucked into the narcissists web of lies. As happens. There have been lies about me, which I expected. And Continue reading

Expect the bullshit, but never accept it.


I’ve learned along my unusual 44 years of life, there is a lot of BS. A lot of lies, manipulation and dishonesty in the world. And I am unable to ignore it, because I see the harm it causes to so many people. To society. To humanity.

Being raised with such disordered, unhealthy and abusive people, all through my childhood, I learned vigilance young. To survive.  And now being pretty discerning as a result, I see a lot. A lot that others miss, or intentionally choose not to see – to make life easier. Or simply don’t even realise, is occurring, or is unhealthy.

‘Focus on the positive’ is a coping strategy for some people in life, as it makes life easier. But in doing that, those being harmed are ignored. With that, the harm is minimized and invalidated. I cannot do that.

So, I cannot be a ‘focus only on the positive’ person. As I see this is not dealing with reality. And it’s cowardly. And selfish.

I choose to deal with all life has. The good, the bad and the ugly. Which takes courage, empathy, inner strength and commitment to honesty and truth.

The truth is….. life is good, bad and ugly. And I see all.

I don’t have that capacity to choose not to see the negative. I have too much discernment, combined with too much integrity. I see enabling unhealthy behaviours, is just as harmful.

Plus, I have a fair amount of psychology understanding, both book learned and life experience learned. So, I also know many of the reasons why I have been so confused by people, all my life. I now know about cognitive distortions, ego issues, personality disorder traits, and how easily humanity is fooled into believing many, many lies. How honesty, self insight, empathy, maturity and many other virtues, are not common. Continue reading


People with no conscience, no empathy, no remorse…never ‘genuinely’ admit the harm they cause.

This has definitely been a part of my journey.

I absolutely know narcissists will never admit or face up to the harm they have caused. They can pretend, if they have to and can fool many in doing this, and it would only be for their own reasons/needs. Not for the victim. It is never genuine remorse.

I know and have seen this in play, all too often. Manipulation – and other people falling for it.

A classic non genuine narc apology “I’m sorry you got hurt”. Not….”I’m sorry I hurt you.” And during the 20 minutes prior to this apology, the issue to these narcs, was ‘only’ about their image and their distress at how ‘other people would know’, I was called ‘demonic’, and everything denied, minimized, excused, and narc rage shown. No concern for me, at all. All of which has been witnessed by others, who agreed, this is narcissistic behaviour.

I didn’t need to be told what this was, I already knew myself, as the words spewed from the wolf’s mouth, it was a fake, non genuine apology, from a weak narcissist, who projects all his own issues as a man, onto others. And my previous counsellor agreed. She knew my capacity, to pick up on lies, narcissism, non genuine hearts and the words that come out of their mouths, and the reasons why.

This is just one example of many I have seen in my life, where apologies are not real, not genuine and are self serving, with no remorse, no conscience, no empathy for those harmed.

And I see so clearly all those around who fall for it. Or rather – want to accept the narc is genuinely apologising – to make life easier. Again, no empathy for the victim. They are apaths, colluding and going along with the narc, for their own reasons too.

NEVER trust an unrepentant narcissist,

or sociopath, psychopath,


You are a FOOL, if you do,

an APATH if you don’t care,

or apply cheap grace.

And you are ABUSING the victim further,

even if unintentionally.

Too many people, have touched my soul, with their dirty hands.


Not being believed – still occurring, still trauma, still abuse.

I mentioned this in counselling today. I saw a different counsellor to my usual one, as she is away.

I have had a lifetime, of dealing with people’s non belief about what I say about trauma/abuse. Had this from childhood onwards. It is abuse, deep abuse.

To not be believed, when you have a trauma history like mine, with as much denial, minimizing, scapegoating, lies, non belief, ignoring etc, as I have had….cuts like a knife.

When it’s the same people, like family, I accept they will never change and have moved on.

But, when it’s people in your life who you need to believe you ‘now’, it’s pretty hard and very re-traumatising. And of course they will just say it’s my emotions due to the past. Not able to face that ‘they’ are the ones causing this abuse/trauma now. Even if unintentionally.

I am allowed to be angry and annoyed about this. I don’t need anyone’s permission. They were wrong. They should have believed me. They didn’t. They made a choice not to. Mostly to keep their lives easier, I am under no illusion as to why.

Continue reading

I still under-estimate myself and my courage.

Having a particularly bad week, so doctor who is away, advised I see another doctor. I stated I was feeling numb and doubted I would be able to talk.

He is a nice man and happens to be the person who mediated at the mediation where I was further abused by the narc pastor. So at least I have met him, this doctor has seen them in action and knew a little about what had gone on.

I ended up being able to tell a fair bit about how I feel, and the two separate situations occurring;

(1) The current abuse situation, of spiritual/grooming about by a pastor and the subsequent lies, cover up, whitewashing, corruption by the in-house investigators and the Baptist Church, all of which had been confirmed to me, is correct, is abuse, is very wrong, not remotely Godly and I have grounds to take legal action about. And I know – they would not have lied and stated crap in that report – unless they needed to for dodgy reasons.

And then, the abuser getting promoted – which is clearly a very suspicious and dodgy move by the Baptist Church and more evidence of their abusive and non Godly actions. And my shock about this and my reasons why.

This alone being bad enough to endure, and causing huge layers of distress I feel for others who will be infected by this and sheer disgust at how so called ‘Christians’ act – which goes on far too much in Christianity. How there is no-where near enough emotional courage and spiritual integrity within churches, and within denominational hierarchy’s, to deal with these abusive people appropriately. And how I know everyone involved in this, has failed. Regardless of their reasons for justifying it.

And people abused within churches – are often treated very badly. That is common too. Continue reading

Yes, we are free to choose, we have free will, but….

Everyone talks about how they have a ‘right’, or they are entitled to their ‘opinion’….but how often do people own the full responsibilities of their actions?

I am about to have further legal advice, from a quality law firm, about the actions/abuse of an abusive pastor, and dealing with legal consequences to his actions, that are available. And I have support, in this.

People make mistakes, people mess up, but ‘how’ you deal with it, is important, not just for yourself, but to those harmed and to all those who are around you, especially if in a position of influence.

Lying, is abuse. It is emotional abuse. Continue reading

I am so used to abuse, bullying, lies now, sometimes I wanna say “is that all you got?!”

I am so used to having hateful stuff said to me, done to me, written about me, lies told etc, by abusive types…

That I am now able to deal with it, in a pretty calm manner now. And just see their issues and not react. I know it’s about them, not me.

Sometimes, I feel like saying…..’Is that all you got!?’

Except I don’t, because that just encourages their darkness.

I don’t have to tolerate their issues, and I decide what kind of response is required, if any. But, I definitely see their issues, as I can pick up on them so easily.

I am definitely toughening up. I said in counselling I needed to toughen up, be more resilient to harmful people, but in the right way, and I am.