Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

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But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

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Feeling Some Strength & Hope

I drove today for the first time in about 2 months since a broke my hand. My hand is not fully healed by far, but healed enough to be able to drive safely enough.

I forced myself to go out and indulged in some retail therapy, including a gorgeous ballet unicorn plush toy. This was for my inner child, who is grieving deeply.

I bought some little treats like a face mask and a cute watch. All cheap stuff, but enough to make me feel like I was treating myself. Because I matter. I have to matter. I have children who need me. Children I cannot let down.

So this along with some great and much appreciated support I have been receiving online, has been enough for me to have a spark of hope & strength. Continue reading


You Grieve Narcissists/ Sociopaths/ Psychopaths Twice ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


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Doctors Who Fuck Up & Can’t Apologise – Two In One Week.

Here I sit with a broken hand, that should never have happened.  And wouldn’t have, had my former doctor/counsellor taken my low blood pressure issues seriously – months ago.

But, she refuses to take responsibility for that. And shame on her.

Today, I had to go back to the hospital, to see if I need an operation. The very young, not fully qualified doctor, cut off the plaster, claiming I needed a new one.

To cut a very long story short, this was the wrong decision, led to more pain and the orthopaedic plaster technician, who put the plaster on a week ago, making a complaint about the doctor.

The orthopaedic plaster technician was furious and the conversations happening between them all made it very clear there were repeated mistakes being made by under-trained doctors.

Putting on the new plaster cast really hurt. And that was avoidable, because it should have stayed on.

Did that doctor apologise…….. nope. He was annoyed, but I had no apology. Arsehole.

Thank goodness for the technician, who remembered me being kept waiting for 9 hours in the ER last week. And instead of ignoring the doctors mistake, he spoke up. Which I am really grateful for.

As for the doctor……. what a coward.

It’s certainly not my week for doctors doing the right thing……. or for apologising when they fuck up.

Oh and my one finger will never have the same movement as before.

Great.

And this was avoidable, had another doctor not fucked up, by failing in their duty of care for what are very obviously concerning health issues = low blood pressure with ongoing dizziness, blacking out and arm seizures.

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