I guessed Robin Williams was abused as a child.

I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.

This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.

Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department.^[17] Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School),^[18] both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny.^[19] When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963,^[18] his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School.^[20] He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team.^[21] In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.^[22] He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.^[22] Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.^[22]

Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.”

I hate these overwhelming realisations I get.

Sometimes things just hit me like a tonne of bricks.

No-one, is ever going to truly believe me about anything, because my PTSD/past, gives them the perfect excuse, scapegoat, not to.

No-one, is ever going to understand, or comprehend my discernment, about people, about situations.

No-one, is ever going to understand a trauma history like mine.

No-one, is ever going to understand how doubting me in any way – is abusive and wrong and painful and hurts so badly, because I have had this my entire life.

~~~ Why I do this ~~~ By Lilly Hope Lucario ~~~

I write because I must, as a survivor who can use what was meant for evil, for good.

I write because it is part of my healing and to share my journey, helps others.

I write because I know suffering over prolonged periods of time, I know being suicidal, I know deep invalidation, I know deep aloneness, I know betrayal, I know deep prolonged fear, I know having no-one in your life who cares, I know having no-one in your life who understands you, I know having no-one in your life you can trust, or rely on. And my heart breaks for others who know this too.

As someone who has endured all forms of abuse, to a severe level, I write and blog to help as many survivors as I can.

I write about complex trauma, child abuse, child sexual abuse, adult sexual abuse, rape, emotional, psychological, mental, verbal, physical, spiritual abuse. I have suffered all these.

Abuse from narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, in a non religious environment and within churches. I’ve endured them all.

I write about Complex PTSD, PTSD, depression and ‘abuse/trauma induced’ mental health, because I have these.

I have a massive amount of ‘experience’ as an abuse victim and survivor.

Four decades of abuse. 10+ abusers. Abuse from birth.

I am real, honest, raw, have considerable research knowledge and also have considerable insight into all of this, and this has been recognised and validated by mental health professionals and….

Notably, by Pete Walker – a man with great insight into complex trauma – see http://www.pete-walker.com/ . Pete has given me permission to use his work and commended me on my work.

Some very needed messages, I need to hear right now.

I do need to remember, I am loved, believed, valued and validated, by Jesus.

I do need to remember that no matter how many times other people fail in my life, being transparent, honest and courage, is always required.

I do need to remember, to reject the enemies lies, no matter how many other people swallow them.

Hold strong in the truth and what I know is right.

No matter how painful that ends up being, due to the failure, lies, lack of courage, lack of honesty of others.

No matter whether in all reality, I am alone in this. In human terms.

The right path, is a lonely one, with few others on it.

I don’t know the Bible reference, but I know it says somewhere ‘The joy of the Lord, is my strength’.

I will hold on to that.

I’m deeply homesick for, and ready to be where I belong.

I know in my heart, I am truly done with this life.

I’ve already been through so much, so many different types of abuse and abusers and I know I want out. I feel like an old woman who has lived her entire life, and is just ready to die and be with Jesus. And really after my life, I don’t feel it is unreasonable to feel this way.

So many ‘people’ have done a really amazing job of destroying my life. I am defeated and I’m sure that will make some very happy to know.

I have a purpose in raising my children. And I don’t want any other purpose anymore. A year ago, I had all these ideas and plans, but they become less and less of a need or desire.

I just want to be alone, in my thoughts, play my music, write, help some people where I can and keep away from anything which can cause me any more grief – which means people.

I’ve seen enough. I’ve felt enough. I’m tired. I’m old. I’m fading. I’m down and out.

And I have no desire to fight it anymore.

I will rarely, if ever, meet ‘my people’. Realisations that hit hard.

“Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people” ~ Lana Del Rey – Ride (Extended version).

All this processing about myself, understanding who I am, realising I am what some describe as an ‘old soul’, knowing I am indeed very different to most people, and beyond my years in wisdom, is necessary and I need to do this, to understand myself fully..

But also highlights, that I will rarely find anyone who is like me.

I’ve wanted my ‘family’, or at least people who ‘get me’ all my life. People who are there for me, in the capacity I need.

And I won’t have this.

I’m getting better at realising I am an introvert and now I do cherish and enjoy my own company. But, I am honest to know I still have that need within me to find ‘my people’.

I face continuing a life of loneliness, from lacking connections I need – emotionally for my inner child, or on a level of maturity and wisdom for my old soul, or on a level of spiritual progression, as I have been told I have bypassed where most church people will remain.

It is a weird realisation to know, there are many conversations going on about me, worldwide.

I receive many posts like this one. People often talk to their therapists about me, which is good due to the content of what I put out there. People also have let me know they regularly discuss me in group sessions and with family, friends etc. Mental health professionals talk about me with their clients and student psychologists/counsellors, use my work too.

Now I have a ‘contact me’ on my Website, I get even more messages from people.

As someone who is actually introverted, this is weird for me to get my head around.

But, I am thankful when and if, anything I do anywhere in my work, helps anyone, in any way.

It is my passion, my ministry, my way of blessing others, as I am blessed.

I know loneliness if one of the worst forms of emotional pain and I don’t want people to feel alone.

It’s amazing what can be done, sat looking like death warmed up, in my pj’s, can do, all round the world.

I’ve always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to deep loneliness.

I’ve only recently worked out that I have always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to being deeply lonely.

I’ve always talked too much, due to anxiety. I partied to numb the pain. I lived life on full throttle, to avoid the pain. I did a lot that was due to numbing the pain and loneliness within me.

Now, I am what I am. I am happiest at home, writing, working, helping others, pursuing my calling, my passion, seeking wisdom, healing.

I trust very few and open up to even fewer.

If I make time for you in my life, I really care about you.

I don’t need many people.

But they need to be genuine, interesting, empathic, honest. If they aren’t, I will not get close to them anymore.

Sia – Breathe Me. This makes me cry so much.

Lyrics

“Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Alone. Lonely. Such deep wounds to overcome.