Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The lack of insight, my husband and his parents choose.

I am aware people have varying levels of self insight. And I believe there can be an unwillingness to look within, combined sometimes with a lower capacity, to look within and why.

An example of this is my in-laws, and my husband.

I know my in-laws parented their children, from a basic level of parenting, but missed some really important areas of parenting and there was also neglect. They are the type of parents who believe that as long as they fed their kids, made them go to school, and their kids didn’t annoy them, their parenting was enough. And it was not.

They neglected their kids in some really important areas of development. And they didn’t teach their kids crucial life skills, or how to handle own behaviours in a healthy way. They failed to teach their children to be honest. And instead just how to have a false image of who you are. They failed to teach them social skills, how to view women respectfully, empathy (as they have none), and many other areas of development.

One of the ways they failed to teach their sons how to respect women, was in allowing them as teenagers to have pornographic posters of women topless on their bedroom walls. Pornography affects teenagers brains and mindsets, in a really negative way. And they watched porn as teenagers. Another way, was in both of them referring continually about other women in disrespectful terms, such as ‘pieces’. As in ‘look at that piece’. There are many other examples, and this did not teach their boys to be respectful to women. And it made their boys, see women as sexual objects. They also refused to have conversations about sex, relationships and what is respectful in terms of intimacy.

These issues alone, have created big issues for their son, my husband. And they affected our marriage in serious ways. my counsellor knows about all this, and has confirmed that my husband has selfish, narcissistic issues, and he needs his own counselling.

Neither of his parents, think they have done anything wrong within their parenting. And I can guarantee, they will not have sat and thought about whether their parenting was healthy, or not. They have no self insight, and no willingness to either.

They also don’t know their daughter is a drug addict and has been smoking weed, since her own daughter was a baby, and probably before that. They ignore the fact that their daughter de-frauds benefits, by claiming to be a single mother, when she is living with her partner for many years. And she has no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame about this. A complete sense of entitlement. And she also has no capacity for empathy.

My husband has had no choice but to face his issues, because I have told him his issues, all of which have been confirmed as relationship, disrespect, selfishness etc issues. And he has already been diagnosed with personality disorder issues. But, they do not render him incapable of being different, it is an unwillingness. He is also a compulsive liar.

Having watched recent interactions between him and his parents for a week, I can see clearly their shallow and unhealthy dynamic. My husband puts up a false image of who he is (as he did with me when we first met), and he never talks about his issues with his parents. And they choose only to see the ‘good’ stuff…. to make their lives easy. My husband never own his poor behaviours, unless he has to. No integrity and as a result, I was given a very false image of who he was. I only started to learn who he really is, by finding out from others about really shocking things he has done. Only then did he admit to them, defensively, by minimizing and having tantrums. Continue reading

So thankful to receive another award!

I am very blessed, to receive my 22nd blog award. I always hope my blog helps people, as I know how hard this journey is.

Thank you to Gentle Kindness (http://gentlementalannie.com/2016/01/24/awards/(, for nominating me ❤

lovely blog

1 Comment

Compulsive liars, are morally bankrupt & emotional abusers.

Liars, who continually lie to avoid accountability, to be devious and manipulative, are being emotional abusers.

And I don’t mean the little white lies. I mean lying about the important things in life. To avoid being ‘caught out’. To manipulate people. To do things they should not be doing.

And worse, is when they then tell more lies, to cover the lies they already told. And if that fails – try to blame the person they are compulsively lying to, followed by the silent treatment.

It’s a pattern I have seen all too often. It’s deeply selfish and abusive to the person being lied to, if the person is a partner, or relative, or friend. And when there is no remorse, no conscience, no guilt, no shame, it’s even worse.

lies and truth

And compulsive, or pathological lying are never about…. love, respect, or dignity. Lying is the opposite. A complete lack of love, respect, dignity for the other person. It’s also very immature and quite pathetic. It’s a lack of courage. A lack of integrity. A lack of decency. And often a sign of a personality disorder. Continue reading

Mark Latham, needs to be stopped from venting his misogynistic & toxic views.

As an anti-abuse advocate, I have signed the petition (see link below) to get him out of the media, permanently.


Mark Latham, clearly displays misogynistic attitudes, defends domestic violence & abusers, and minimizes the epidemic of violence against women and children.

He needs psychiatric help, and the best indicator of this, is his trolling under a fake account, so he could harm people. This is behaviour shown by those with sociopathic types of personalities.


I’m sure his issues with women, probably come from his past, where a women has hurt his ego, and he cannot let that go. No doubt the woman was correct and justified in her actions, and he is resentful and projects his own issues with women, onto all women as a result. If this is correct, what he is doing is revenge tactics and Continue reading


So thankful to have blogs shared, by Dr Melanie Greenberg

I am always so thankful when my blogs, are understood and shared by those in the mental health field. Especially when they are highly educated people, at the top of their field.

Today, Dr. Melanie Greenberg – a clinical psychologist, expert in trauma and blogger for Psychology Today, shared my recent blog post on her website. The shared blog was about  ‘blaming self and victim blaming as a maladaptive coping strategy’.

Professionals at the top of their field, are the ones chosen to be bloggers, for Psychology Today.

I am very grateful and thankful, such highly esteemed professionals, share and encourage my work here. Continue reading

Blaming self or the victim for abuse, can be a way to cope/survive.

Throughout all the abuse I have endured, each abuser told me I deserved it. And I deserved nothing else. Or I wanted it. The lies they tell themselves, are how they can justify what they are doing. Plus, some of them really enjoyed what they were doing.

When you have been taught by abusive parents and other abusers, that you are to blame, it can become something you believe.

I’ve continued on the self blaming, throughout my life, for many things. The abuse done to me. The abuse done to my sisters. Blamed myself for not protecting them. Blamed myself for all the other abuse I’ve endured.

I think we can be taught to blame ourselves by abusers, and this is another level of abuse we endure.

I think we can also blame ourselves, rather than deal with the truth – people who were meant to love us, protect us… did the opposite. That reality, especially when it is  about parents, can be horrendously painful to deal with. So, blaming self, is for some, an easier road,. An ‘easier to deal with road’, of less painful reality to process. And I can default to this, still, when overwhelmed.

I think blaming self, also means the victim maintains some false sense of having been in control of what happened. If we deserved it, then it was meant to happen and we ‘allowed’ it, which meant we chose it. And it was not out of our control. Which is all absolutely wrong, but people will do what they need to do, to cope. To cope with evil occurring, that no-one should ever have to endure.

To cope with things that were meant to cause us such suffering, and are so far out of the normal human being experiences, will lead to maladaptive ways of coping.

To accept the abuse was completely out of our control, means we then know terrible things can happen, that we could not stop…. and this fear and knowledge, is horrendous. It means we lose trust in ourselves, and other people. It means we know human beings are capable of deliberately, intentionally and consciously making people suffer and they enjoy it. That creates a depth of fear, that is too much for some. Continue reading

1 Comment

Mental illness, has become the excuse for everything abhorrent.

The news is sadly full of murders of children by relatives. Sweet, innocent children being murdered by the very people who are meant to care for them.

And mental illness, of course, is the ‘go to’ excuse for it all. Even though, there is no evidence of mental illness in the media coverage. So people are simply ‘assuming’ it is mental illness. And then telling people who are shocked and angry – they are wrong. They assume their assumptions, are the facts. When they are not.

Does anyone stop and wonder that even if there is some form of mental illness, that these heinous acts may still have been committed consciously? That the mental illness, did not in fact render the person incapable of knowing what they are doing?

Nope, it is assumed any mental illness can make you a child murderer and that becomes an excuse for anything. It’s the excuse for murder, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence… etc.

And it is not compassion, to automatically make assumptions as to an excuse for the abhorrent act. That is self serving, to make life seem less ugly than it can be.

All of my abusers, probably had some form of mental illness…. paedophilia, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy etc disorders. But, did that render them incapable of knowing that the abuse was wrong. No. They all knew it was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it, and threatened me into silence. They consciously and deliberately and intentionally harmed me. They made choices and they made decisions to cause suffering. Their mental health, did not render them incapable of resisting being abusive.

So, using mental illness for all acts of suffering caused to another human being, regardless of the type caused, is not wise, or correct. We cannot assume the horrific act – whether it be murder, child sexual abuse, rape etc – was not consciously committed.

But, people love to assume……. and assumptions are rarely correct. And are never wisdom.

Assumptions are often made, to make the abhorrent act committed, seem less terrible. If an excuse can be made, it helps people deal with the situation. But, excuses are not reality. They are lies.

Mental illness, may be the easy excuse/rationalisation to assume, to apply to human beings committing acts so abhorrent, but they are not reality. Continue reading

It’s a freakin’ big list – of all I am an advocate for…..

I was thinking about advocates…. and how they advocate within the area they are experienced in…….like abuse or PTSD etc..

So, I thought about my areas of experience and where I advocate, educate and support…..due to personal experience of enduring them…

~ Abuse to a severe level – all kinds – sexual, physical, mental, psychological, verbal, emotional, spiritual etc..
~ Child abuse from birth…of every kind within a family
~ Child sexual abuse – due to having parents who set up their child to be sexually abused…which is a deeper level of core wounding
~ Captivity abuse as a child and as a adolescent

~ Surviving narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles..
~ Education about abuse and abusers

~ Domestic violence
~ Mental health…PTSD, Complex PTSD, Severe Depression, Suicide Ideation
~ Education about mental health
~ The deeper aspects of the healing journey
~ Child protection
~ Spiritual abuse
~ Spiritual/faith related healing
~ Community outreach
~ There’s probably something more I have missed….

It’s quite a list & it is pretty overwhelming to see it written out in a list… but I will continue to advocate and educate, as I know how vital this is.

Much love ~ Lilly ❤