Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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My teenage son “you are the most caring person, Mum”

I had a moment today, which almost reduced me to tears. We were sat eating dinner.

My teenage son (14), asked me how my day went. I explained I had a lovely time at my  ladies group. And how I am so happy to see some of the group members, have made friends with each other, and meet up outside of the group, along with their husbands. To which my son responded with “you are the most caring person, Mum”.

And he really meant it. He doesn’t say things like that unless he really means them. And he is pretty vocal about his views and opinions, because I allow him that safety of respectfully speaking his mind.

It meant a lot to me, that my sons see I am caring. Because modelling that to them, is important. I am aware my empathic and caring nature, has a great influence on them developing that in their personalities too.

When I set up my ladies group, I did it because there are lots of people who are lonely, for many different reasons. There are ladies who are new to the area/country, who are divorced and have lost their friends, who’s partners are not keen on socialising, who have been ill and lost friends in the process, who’s partners are deceased, who are taking care of relatives, escaping domestic violence. Many reasons.

To offer them a safe group, where they feel welcomed, where they can just chat over a coffee, matters. It matters to them. And I am so glad that I have been able to provide this. I’ve weeded out a few shitty people, which means the group is lovely. And going so well. And I enjoy their company too.

So, to see my teenage son, understand this is caring about people, matters. To know they see me, doing something that benefits others and not just myself, matters. Especially in this increasingly egocentric, selfish, narcissistic world we live in. Continue reading


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Beautiful gifts, from my beautiful boys for Mothers Day

I have to try really hard on Mothers Day, to focus on my boys, and not on my past. It’s hard, but I always succeed in focussing on what they need, and not how I feel inside.

My boys are very affectionate and loving boys, and they love giving gifts.

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Beautiful love heart necklace and earrings ❤ ❤

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Why I’ve always wanted older people to ‘look after’ the inner child me.

“Inverted parenting is a hallmark of an alcoholic family, as well as in a family with a narcissistic personality disordered mother.

This situation causes post traumatic stress disorder.

None of the children are getting their emotional needs met in a healthy way. Each position that the children fill serves a purpose for the family.

The children often act very mature, such as acting 40 when they are 10. However, when they are older all of their infantile needs rise to the surface and they want to be taken care of by their partner.

This often dooms the relationship because the partner can not be the parent and save the relationship.”

This ^ From Blog http://echorecovery.blogspot.com.au/search/label/Scapegoating

I was treated differently to my sisters, so this applies to me, but they ended up being like their parents, rather than like this. But, we were all abused. I was the mother to my sisters, and also looked after my mother’s needs.

I don’t actually want my husband to take care of my ‘inner child’ – which is probably one reason our relationship has lasted, but I have sought it from others, men and women.

Those unmet childhood needs, continue on, right through adulthood. I don’t know how to stop this.

Needs are needs.

It’s not like I can take medication to stop that, or go to AA etc. Continue reading


Poem – I’m Sorry Mummy

I still feel emotional when I read this poem.
But I do know, there was nothing wrong with me.
My mother had darkness within her that gave in to evil.
There is a part of me that feels compassion, as I want no-one to be this way.
And a part of me deeply scarred by living in the ‘garden of evil’ as I did for the first 20 years of my life.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

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This is about being the daughter of a narcissist mother.

Mummy
Why don’t
You love me?

I do everything you say
I care for my sisters all day
I do all your housework
I try to be, a good girl

Mummy
Why don’t
You hug me?

I love you
You know I do
You see my scared eyes
Searching for your affection

Mummy
Why do
You hate me?

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We all have different parts to our personality, even my doctor. Mine are quite extreme.

I have different parts of my personality, formed through having an unusual life to most around me.

I am honest and upfront, that I have these different parts of me.

I don’t have Dissociative Identity Disorder, because they are not different identities/alters, they are all parts of who I am all the time.

I have my 43 year old self, the wife to my husband, the mother to my children.

I have the 90 year old me, or could even be 1000 year old me, because it has been validated that I have lived 10 lifetimes compared to most around me, and as such as given me 10 lifetimes of life wisdom, with so much courage, strength, a survivor of more than anyone should ever see or feel.

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I feel such shame when I cry in front of my children. I should be stronger than I am.

Being a good mother is the most important thing to me. I try hard to be happy around them and not be depressed, sad or cry.

Sometimes, my emotions are so high, I can’t control it.

I just cried on front of my 5 year old and now I feel terrible. He was sad and hugged me.

I should be able to not be emotional in front of them. They shouldn’t see my tears.

I feel like a really bad mother.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I hate myself for not being the mother they deserve.


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What’s worse than being abused by a paedophile…your parents knowing.

There is no denying my mother and step father were complicit in abuse occurring to myself and my sisters.

My step fathers circle of sex abusers, which would have pretty obvious to my mother.

The reaction of my parents when I disclosed the abuse myself and my sister were enduring, was the exact opposite of normal parents. They were angry with me, blamed me for my sister being abused, told me shut up and never speak of it, never phone Childline. And my step father continued to speak to this paedophile friend of his.

I have still not processed my emotions about this. I’m having nightmares about it frequently.

I am still in a state of emotional distress that they set us up to be abused, knew it was happening. And I was obviously set up to be abused by another friend of my step fathers later on.

Makes me sick.

I loved my mother and now I want to hate her. I want to really fucking hate every fibre of her being.

She was/is a sick, sick woman.

Some people have evil in them.

It’s the only way to explain this level of abuse to your own children.


I cherish the good times, but don’t minimize the pain of the bad times.

When I feel really low, I don’t minimize that, but I do look at pictures of recent times, when I did feel real joy, happiness and fun, which is always when I am with my children. Their joy, is my joy. Their smiles, their laughter, their silliness, their gorgeousness – is my joy.

These are a few of the pics I look at, to remember that no matter how bad it gets, there is always good to come, and it is worth it.

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My son’s empathic heart.

After spending time earlier upset then numb, due to not being the mother I want to be for my children…

My son told me this evening his teacher is putting his name down to be considered for student of the year, for being so kind often to a boy who is being bullied a lot.

I cried. I am such a sook. To know my children are growing with the one thing I want them to have the most – empathy – is so heart warming for me.

My son was bullied at a former junior school, for a few years and due to anxiety and the school dealing with it badly, we had to change schools and my son was instantly a much happier child and continued to be for the remaining 3 years of junior school.

The high school he started at this year, has a lot of students from that school where he was bullied, that have now filtered through to the high school and funnily enough it is those students that are bullying this child, that my son has been kind to. My son felt sorry for him, knowing what being bullied feels like and also because I talk with him about being kind to those who need it. Continue reading