Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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How To Begin To Heal The Wounds Caused By Narcissistic Parents ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

As per my last article, narcissistic parents cause considerable damage to their children. Being raised by narcissists, is not normal and there are many wounds created, that affect the survivor – right through to their adulthood.

Last article can be read @ https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/10-damaging-ways-narcissistic-parents-emotionally-harm-their-children-lilly-hope-lucario/


The following 12 steps, can be very helpful for the adult survivor. They may aid healing and greatly improve quality of life. They can aid moving towards creating a healthy life and a life of thriving and building genuine healthy relationships.

1. Dealing With The Full Extent Of The Abuse & Neglect Is Necessary

It is necessary to deal with the extent of the abuse, and this is not being disloyal or unfair to the narcissistic parent. A survivor of childhood narcissistic abuse needs to confront the truth, reality and issues in full, in order to be able to heal the complex wounds.

It may feel very uncomfortable and very painful to deal with the reality of parental narcissistic abuse. Survivors can feel they are in some way being unfair to the parent, which is usually due to the brainwashing throughout childhood.

It is needed, to understand whilst the narcissistic parent may have wounds from their own childhood, or life, this is not an excuse to abuse their children. Narcissists often also know the abuse is wrong. And this is shown by the narcissists’ capacity to act differently around people they are not abusing. Often they behave very differently at home, than they do elsewhere. Plus, they often lie about the abuse, which again shows they do know it’s wrong. The hallmark trait of narcissists, is a lack of empathy, remorse or conscience. So whilst they do know the abuse they choose to inflict is wrong, they have no desire to do differently, as they have no empathy for those they abuse.

2. Understand It Takes Time To Process The Extent Of The Abuse & Grieve

This period of time needed to process all of the damage caused, is different for everyone. I personally did not start to deal with the truth about my toxic parents, until I was 40. And it has taken a few years to process the full extent of the damage caused. For others they will begin to start dealing with the childhood abuse, in their 20’s and some it may be in their 60’s. That’s okay. And it is never too late to start to heal the wounds. We are only read to deal with it, when we are ready.

For some adult survivors, dealing with too much too soon, can be emotionally overwhelming, and it may require a gradual process. That is okay too. Each person is different and there are no hard and fast rules to healing, and no set timespan as to how long this healing journey takes.

healing takes time

A childhood full of toxicity and narcissistic abuse, needs to be grieved. This can take time. Grieving abusive parents, grieving a horrible childhood, grieving all the abuse endured, grieving all the child should have had, but didn’t, is hard. Like love, safety, protection, being cherished, being encouraged. It can be an emotionally painful grieving process. But, as with any loss – grieving is necessary and it allows the survivor to feel all the normal emotions they were never allowed.

3. Read Up On Different Types Of Abuse Caused by Narcissistic Parents

Narcissists often treat each of their children differently. They often assign roles to each child, and those roles are entirely for the benefit of the parent. One child may be assigned the role of scapegoat. And another child may be assigned the role of ‘Golden Child’. Both of these are very different, and may have different consequences, to the child and the adult they become. Narcissists often triangulate, and pit their children against each other and they rarely encourage healthy relationships between siblings.

Narcissists also have their preferred manipulation tactics. Some love to use the silent treatment. Others love to shout, scream and call their children names. Some love to make their child responsible for caring for other siblings.

It’s good to read up on the different types of abuse, as this helps us learn all the abuse was in fact entirely due to the parent’s own issues, and not due to anything the child did wrong.

I have a selection of resources from mental health professionals and best selling books, on my Website @ https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

4. Learn About Boundaries

Narcissists don’t have healthy boundaries, and this affects the growing child. Often the adult survivor will need to learn what healthy boundaries are, how to implement them and how to maintain them.

This can be a huge area of healing, and it can take time and a lot of willingness to look honestly at any deficit of healthy boundaries, and make the changes needed.

Some of the issues created by unhealthy/poor boundaries…. not being able to protect self from further toxic abuse, being a people pleaser and having a belief system that life is about meeting other people’s needs.

For resources about healthy boundaries – see https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/developing-boundaries-

5. Learn About Self Care

When raised by narcissistic parents, the child’s needs, are not a consideration. Continue reading


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10 Damaging Ways Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Harm Their Children ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Surviving narcissistic parents, is literally all about survival. Narcissistic parents treat their children like extensions of themselves. The child is there entirely for the needs of the parent(s). The child learns to navigate issues, they are never meant to endure.

A childhood being raised by narcissistic parents, is far from normal. Narcissistic parents are toxic and selfish to the core. They have no regard for the needs of their children. They have no consideration for the harm they cause.

Everything, is ‘all about the narcissistic parent’.

narcissistic parent


This article highlights 10 ways narcissistic parents can harm their children.

1. The child is never ‘good enough’.

No matter how hard a child tries, they will never be ‘good enough’. This is shown in words and actions modelled. This often leads to a child having poor self esteem and self loathing, which continue on into adulthood.  The child learns they are only valued for what they do, and not who they are.

2. The child’s needs are never a priority.

Only the narcissistic parent’s needs matter. There is always emotional neglect and the child learns their own needs, feeling and emotions, are not a consideration and are not valued. The child is not cherished, encouraged or validated, in any way outside of the parents needs being met. The child is not nurtured, or cherished. The child is often judged, criticised and shown contempt. This can lead to the child having a huge deficit of healthy self esteem, or self worth.

3. The child is expected to take care of the narcissistic parent’s emotional needs.

Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. The child is manipulated into continually taking care of the parents needs, whilst no regard or consideration is shown for the child’s needs. The child is often expected to perform duties outside of what is healthy behaviour.

Parentification abuse – often occurs within a relationship between a narcissistic parent and their child. The child is inappropriately made to meet the emotional and/or physical needs of the parent. Often a child will be made to responsible for caring for siblings, in ways the parent is failing to. Often the child has to listen to adult issues such as financial issues, sexual relationship issues.

The child is forced to be an adult and often not treated as the child they actually are.

4. The child’s emotions will be denied, mocked and never validated.

Narcissistic parents bully their children. Sometimes the child of a narcissist will (understandably) feel upset, angry, hurt at times. These emotions, may be mocked and even taunting the child can occur. Examples, if the child is sad, the narcissistic parent will mock and state “you are a such a misery to be around”. If the child shows anger or gets upset, the narcissistic parent will e.g. then use cruel labels such as “you are such a drama queen”. The child’s emotions are never valued.

If the child expresses feeling (appropriately) annoyed at the narcissistic parents demands, the parent will immediately employ further abuse and manipulation, to gain back control. Such as guilt tripping, shaming, silent treatment. The child’s appropriate feelings, again denied and invalidated.

5. Love or affection is always conditional.

The narcissistic parent is unwilling to show genuine love, empathy. There are always conditions the child has to meet, which are always for the benefit of the parent. If the child fails to meet the ‘conditions’ -they will be punished in emotionally abusive ways the narcissistic parent knows will hurt their children. Such as the silent treatment, or cruel words and labels. The child fails to learn any sense of self worth, outside of meeting other people’s needs and demands.

6. There is often a ‘golden child’ role & often a ‘scapegoat’ role.

Narcissistic parents often have (unspoken) ‘roles’ their children are given, that are entirely for the unhealthy needs of the parent. These assigned roles, are not ever for the benefit of the children. These roles are emotionally abuse.

The ‘golden child’ is one role, and this child can do no wrong and is there to boost the unhealthy ego of the parent. The golden child is there is flatter the parent, and to feed the shallow image needs of the parents.

The ‘scapegoat’ is the child who is given the role of taking all the blame and shame for the dysfunction within the family. The narcissistic parent needs someone to blame, as this means the parent never has to be accountable for their abusive actions. They willingly project blame and shame onto the scapegoat and the child often develops toxic shame as a result.

7. Healthy emotional and physical boundaries, do not exist with narcissists.

A narcissistic parent does not comply with normal healthy emotional boundaries required for a child to feel safe. Inappropriate comments about appearance, inappropriate body contact, completely denying the child their needed emotions and feelings. Any beliefs the child expresses that are not compliant with the parents beliefs and needs, are denied and invalidated. The narcissistic parent may also make inappropriate comments to the child’s friends. They may snoop in their child’s diaries. Or make inappropriate and demeaning comments about their child, to other people.

This failure to teach and model healthy boundaries, means the child fails to learn them, and this can often lead to further issues well into adulthood, as the adult survivor then tries to navigate adult life, without many skills required for a healthy life.

8. Various methods of emotional abuse are used to maintain control and protect image.

Such as manipulation, gas-lighting, projecting, lying, the silent treatment, comparing to other siblings, mocking, blaming, shaming, coercion and guilt trips etc.

The image of the family is paramount. Nothing negative about the parents, is allowed to be spoken outside of the family. The phrase ‘don’t air your dirty linen in public’ is one the narcissistic parents and dysfunctional family hold very strongly.

9. The child grows within a dysfunctional environment of fear and anxiety.

The child is constantly aware their parent is requiring something from them. Hyper-vigilance is developed young, as the child learns to monitor and discern the narcissistic parents moods, actions and body language.  The child knows at any point the parent could be annoyed, angry, or emotionally withdraw – when the child does something deemed to be wrong. Or even just because the narcissistic parent is in a bad mood, which is projected onto the child.

The phrase ‘walking on eggshells’, or suffer the wrath of the narcissistic parents abusive reaction, becomes something the child learns to keep themselves as safe as is possible.

10. Affection is never appropriate or consistent, so the child never feels consistently loved, or cared for.

Not being shown genuine love, is emotional neglect and is emotionally abusive. One of the main needs of any child – is love, safety and protection. These are not provided by the narcissistic parent.

For the ‘golden child’, they learn affection is based upon how much they feed the parents ego and image. The golden child is often encouraged to mock and bully their siblings. They are encouraged to feel superior to their siblings.

For the scapegoat, they learn their only role is to willingly take the blame and shame for anything, and that resistance to this, results in the adult abusing the child further. To placate the parent any way possible, becomes the way the scapegoat child exists within the dysfunction.


Narcissistic-Parents-Quote-1

Life within a dysfunctional family, is an awful neglectful childhood. It can cause considerable emotional and social issues well into adulthood. When the adult survivor embarks on adult relationships, they often do not have the skills required for to develop and maintain a healthy relationship, with partners, friends, and sometimes with their own children.

Often adult survivors of narcissistic parents have poor, unhealthy boundaries, that cause more issues – such as becoming an easy target for further abuse in adulthood.

Sometimes, the adult survivor has no awareness their childhood was dysfunctional. Sadly, this will mean the adult survivor is unaware of how their lives continue to be affected by their childhood.

Sometimes, the adult survivor is aware, or does become aware of the dysfunction, and they will choose to learn about healthy relationships, maybe seek counselling and will begin to heal the deep wounds and complex issues caused by their narcissistic parent(s).

Narcissistic abuse from parents, can also cause mental and physical health issues in adulthood. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety Disorders, OCD and many more mental health issues, can result. Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and other physical health issues can result.

For anyone looking to heal their own wounds from a dysfunctional and toxic childhood, I do recommend therapy, with someone trained and experienced in toxic abuse.

I have a host of information which may help survivors, and those interested on my Website which is recommended by mental health professionals with the trauma and abuse field. My Website includes a whole range of books and resources, which further explore the damaging ways of toxic, narcissistic parents, and the harm they cause. Plus, there are resources on healing, including books from therapists and mental health professionals.

Website @ @ https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Watching Narcissistic Mothers Harm Their Daughters in ‘Feud’, Was Eye Opening

I’ve been watching Feud over the last week. It’s the show about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, and their intense rivalry, and their toxic lives.

bette and joan

It is really eye opening for me. Parts of it – seeing how both of these women treated their daughters – was very reminiscent of my relationship with my mother.

Both Bette Davis and Joan Crawford had personalities founded in narcissism, ego, envy & manipulation. Having done some research, I am aware they were both considered narcissists, or possibly Crawford was Borderline Personality Disorder – but of the narcissistic type. They were both highly manipulative, selfish women.

It was fascinating watching this show and I’ve also watched most of ‘Whatever Happened To Baby Jane’ and it is amazing how well both of these women could play the part of terrible human beings, with pathological envy, and highly toxic personalities. And I know it has been said – they were so easily able to play these parts, because those behaviours and attitudes were part of their actual personalities.

Both of these women have daughters who went on to write books – about the toxic nature of their mother’s personalities and the abuse they endured. I have only now worked out that the phrase ‘Mommie, Dearest’ – used often by daughters of narcissistic mothers – comes from the book named ‘Mommie, Dearest’ (and the subsequent movie) – written by Joan Crawford’s daughter. Bette Davis’ daughter wrote ‘My Mother’s Keeper’ and again this expresses the highly toxic relationship between the daughter and her narcissistic, abusive mother.

What struck me as very reminiscent of my own relationship, with my toxic mother – is how the daughters were both just extensions of their mother. Both expected their daughters to look after them (parentification abuse), and all thoughts and actions were totally selfish and often abusive towards their daughters. There was no real or genuine love for their daughters. It was always ‘all about the mother’.

And it was interesting seeing some of the people around Joan Crawford and Bette Davis defend them, and suggest the daughters were lying, or exaggerating. Yet, the motivations of these people defending them – were entirely self serving as well. This happens in the lives of people where narcissistic people are present. Toxic people often have their ‘flying monkeys’ and defenders. And they like to try and bring down the person revealing the truth. It’s common, in these situations where toxic people are manipulating others.

Interestingly both of the daughters, chose to remove themselves from the toxic issues. They had insight into the toxicity of their mothers, and both sought to build lives away from the danger. And good for them.

I’m also not surprised that both of their mothers wanted to exact revenge and spite on their daughters, by disinheriting them. A final act of hatred towards their own daughters – for daring to expose their mothers for the abusive, selfish, narcissistic, vindictive bullies that they were.

I would like to read both of the biographies and watch the movie ‘Mommie, Dearest’. Continue reading


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My husband is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

 

 

In my last counselling session, my counsellor explained how I have systematically faced all the trauma, and processed all the truth and heinous nature of it all. She explained, processing about my abusive husband, is the last piece of that journey.

My husband is a pathological and compulsive liar, has a fake persona, is completely delusional as to what kind of person he is, is selfish to the core and does not love anyone. He is also callous and lacks any moral virtue.

I described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be a far better person than he actually is. He pretends to be a nice person (sheep), when in fact, he preys on people to manipulative and use for his very shallow, narcissistic needs (wolf). My counsellor stated this was an accurate description of who he is. And she has insight into him, as she has done several counselling sessions with him.

My counsellor stated, he doesn’t know how to love. He is so consumed within his own narcissistic self, that he does not love. He uses. And abuses. His own needs are all he thinks about.

The wolf in sheep’s clothing, is also appropriate, because he has a cruel streak, which I have always hated about him. He likes to see people hurt, embarrass themselves. Even children. I’ve seen him laugh at his niece, when she fell and hurt her leg and was then limping. His siblings are the same. They are a very narcissistic family.

This week, I overheard a telephone conversation, where he was getting a work colleague into a lot of trouble. He claims she did something wrong, and it could have had implications on him. So, he reported her to the boss. And during this conversation – he was revelling in it. I could hear it in his tone. Interestingly – he had a lot of verbal confidence during this conversation with his boss. He spoke clearly and well. He had a lot of words about this colleague and what she had done.

Yet, whenever I speak to him about all the terrible things ‘he’ has done – he is mute. Completely emotionless. Like a mute, dumb, heartless, empty non human. He has no words to express remorse. No emotions. Absolutely nothing. He feels nothing about any harm he causes others.

The levels of hypocrisy in him feeling so entitled to point at other people’s wrongdoing  ……. whilst also conveniently ignoring all his own wrongdoing – is disgusting. Yet, he is absolutely okay with it.

He has a very entitled attitude. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. And no-one should question him, or try to make him accountable. He feels no remorse, and therefore no desire or need to put anything right. He feels no need to apologise. He feels nothing. For his own disgusting, manipulative, devious, selfish, abusive behaviours.

I regret every single day I have been with him. I regret letting him anywhere near me. I regret having children with him. But, I also know I was manipulated, by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I believed the nice/fake persona he exploited people with. I only now know – the full extent of his personality disordered, character disordered self.

And it sickens me.

It explains all the thousands of lies, all the manipulation, all the deviousness, all the projection, the gas-lighting, the tantrums when he is challenged about his wrong doing. It explains all the affairs, having an affair with his own uncle’s wife, him never considering or thinking about my heinous abuse history. It explains his obsession with sex and lack of self control, impulse control over anything sex related. It validates what I have known for a long time, that sex was his main motivation for exploiting me.

It explains how he can so callously exploit, harm, use and abuse a woman who has already been so deeply harmed and as suffered as much as I have.

And the callous, heartless, empty, soul-less person he is, has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done to me. And because he feels nothing about the things he has done that harm others, he could so easily form a fantasy, delusional belief system of who he is. He had lied to himself for decades, that he is a good person. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, which he conveniently ignores, forgets about and then that part of him, in his twisted mind, does not exist. Continue reading


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When a narcissist is pushed into facing their toxic behaviour – this can happen ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Something I have learned from living with a narcissist for the last 16 years, is the narcissists pathological need to avoid dealing with their own toxic behaviours, at all costs.

They lie, manipulate, gaslight and all manner of toxic tricks.

One of these, is when challenged on their behaviour and they cannot get out of the situation – they deliberately start provoking the person who is forcing them to ‘own’ their toxic behaviour.

They provoke and provoke – and deliberately push all the buttons they know will create anger in the other person.

Then when they have achieved that….. they scorn and mock the now angry person – labelling them the unreasonable one.

They will say things like…. “see no-one can talk to you” – “why are you so angry?” – “look at you – you are acting crazy”.

See what they did there?

They provoked and provoked…….. and then when the person blows ….. they deflect the issue away from their own toxic shit……. and turn the situation into being now about the other persons ‘issues’.

Meaning the anger they deliberately and intentionally provoked.

Meaning the anger the person being abused by the narcissist – has every right to feel.

Meaning the anger any normal person would feel at being treated so badly.

Manipulation, and avoidance of dealing with their behaviours, they are very skilled at. Continue reading


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Narcissists Abuse You Twice With Their Continual Lying ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Narcissists are compulsive/pathological liars.

liar

There are also hypocrites and like to abuse you twice with their lying.
They lie continually – which is abuse.
And then they act outraged when you don’t believe them – which is further abuse.
It’s like they stick the knife in…….. and then they twist it.
And they convince themselves they have done nothing wrong, and ‘they’ are the injured party.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Continue reading


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Sixteen Years Of My Life Wasted In This ‘Marriage’

My narcissist husband has finally admitted, he never had any thoughts about my needs during our entire marriage.

I had a conversation with him earlier on how any relationship needs trust, honesty, caring about the other persons needs and knowing that person has your back. And how there has been absolutely none of this from him, in the 16 years I have been with him.

He’s never had my back, he is a compulsive and pathological liar, is 100% narcissistic, only ever cares about his own needs, is manipulative, devious and does whatever he wants to do…… with absolutely no concern or thought for the other person he is harming.

He has finally admitted this is all correct.

And he couldn’t say this wasn’t true – because I have so many examples confirming all this, and he has absolutely no examples to show to the contrary.

His latest devious, manipulative, lying behaviour – is the last straw that has broken this camels back. Continue reading