I received an email from my sister today, letting me know our mother has died.
Dissociation has served me well throughout my life. It helped me cope with all the severe abuse as a child. It helped me cope through all the abuse as an adolescent. It helped me cope being sexually abused. Abused by paedophiles, sociopaths, narcissists.
I wouldn’t have survived it all, without dissociation.
I am currently overwhelmed, and I know this – because I am having more nightmares again, and I am numb a lot of the time.
When things are out of my control – I end up numb. When the pain is too much to feel, dissociation kicks in. My brain has known dissociation – since being a child.
In one way I am glad dissociation kicks in. I’m glad it helped me cope as a child. But, I also know – this means things are really bad, and I am beyond my emotional capacity to cope.
I’m having the robot mode type dissociation, but also an increase in the type where I feel like I am seeing things in slow motion. Which is a more severe kind of dissociation – described in the past as depersonalisation. I am also daydreaming a lot into the world I created for myself in my head, to escape to.
There are periods of time I am not present. Like 20-30 minutes. Sometimes longer.
I am trying to be present, focus on my children, my photography. But, there are periods of time each day, I am not present.
I realise I should see another therapist. But, I cannot afford one and I would never trust another therapist again now. There is no way I am going to explain my entire trauma history with another stranger, and hope they don’t do anything that causes more trauma. I cannot take that chance again.
Bottom line, I don’t trust my capacity to not ignore red flags in people’s behaviour. Over the last 5 years I saw many red flags and issues – and I tolerated them. Because I desperately needed someone to trust. Someone to have my interests at heart. Just one person. And that was not the situation I was in….. and I tolerated what I should never have tolerated.
Desperation, can affect a person who deeply needs a trustworthy person. Someone who Continue reading
I am not doing anything other than the basics I need to so. Schools runs, take care of my children when home. Write.
I am using my freeze trauma response, of dissociating and numbing with far too much computer use. I’m not managing self care well or consistently. I’m not doing much in the way of household duties, meaning I feel guilty because my husband picks up my slack, as well as working.
If I do anything more than my usual day of not much, like socializing, my PTSD cup is full and I don’t cope well after that. But, I give myself credit for trying. I went to the writers conference and that went well, even though the next day I was exhausted. I met a cherished friend for lunch today, popped to the shops after, to get some thing needed for my boys and once I got home, I felt wasted. Totally exhausted and not coping well with noise etc.
I’m having big sleep issues and when I do sleep, I endure horrible dreams and nightmares. I know this is also related to the build up and accumulation of all the ongoing church abuse crap and all the deep emotions related to all that, on many different levels. My confusion and resulting trust issues with my doctor/counsellor, who was involved with all that. My husband is still on at me, to make sure I go to counselling, when my doctor is back. But, I so desperately just want to build a huge wall between me and everything and everyone that was involved in all that. I nearly died over all that abuse, a few weeks back. I just want to block it all out, although my brain is not really letting me do that. PTSD is a bastard like that. Continue reading
I don’t want to feel my emotions anymore. I have endured too much abuse to deal with.
It’s too unsafe to deal with it. ‘Unsafe’ – a huge aspect of my entire life.
Either way is unsafe. Too much zoning out, and too much feeling emotions. I’m screwed either way.
I am very happy to exist within the needed amount of numbness, to function, but not feel anything.
I would no doubt be told this is not healthy, not healing…
Well, it keeps me safe.