Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


My constant conflicting needs, make life very difficult.

 

I have been very honest about the different parts of who I am, being very conflicting. And they are very hard to manage and deal with every day.

I have my old soul, wise part of me. Who just would rather be alone, think deeply about life and avoid the chaos of immature life and society around me.

I also have my hurt, vulnerable child part of me, that never had her needs met and never will, who still desperately craves these needs, craves people’s company, interaction, attention, kindness etc.

I have this constant conflict going on, and I literally feel like I am being ripped in different directions.

When I satisfy one area of my needs, the other is unhappy. Continue reading


I knew I had a very different heart to many, before the age of 10.

This quote/poster is travelling cyber world at the moment. On Facebook alone, one of these has been shared 185,000+ times.

This post is aimed at adults. I know many adults who seem to believe that most people are good and have the same hearts as they do.

Interestingly, some of these are good people – who wrongly believe most people are good too.

And many who are not good, and are in fact narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, misogynists, liars etc – who also believe everyone is the same as they are too.

I grew up in what I term a ‘garden of evil’. Abused from birth, abusive parents & sisters, paedophile/sex offender ring, and all of the above named types of people. 

I ‘knew’ – before the age of 10 – I was different to these people. I ‘knew’ what they were doing was wrong and bad, even as a child. My old soul and spiritual protection. I ‘knew’ my heart was VERY different to these people, before the age of 10, and that people with dark hearts very much exist and in big numbers and are so different to what is good. Continue reading


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“Forgive & Forget” – I always knew this was wrong & it is narcissist behaviour.

 

I see so clearly how this is a typical narcissistic trait – it gives abusive people the perfect way to abuse others and then demand you just forgive and forget – with no consequences to the behaviour.

I see clearly how church people/religious people LOVE to use this to do as they wish, have no consequences to their behaviour, have no repentance and put the full responsibility on the person hurt – to do the forgiving – and call them a bad Christian if they don’t.

Abusive religious people love cheap grace and demanding forgiveness – with no repentance. And projecting blame onto the victims. And telling you, you are wrong to feel angry about the abuse/lies you have endured.

I’ve known since I was a child, that people not dealing with their behaviours appropriately, is wrong. Continue reading


Love listening to Meryl Streep, my favourite actor. Wisdom, depth & so funny!!

I am drawn to people who have wisdom within them, and she has always been one of my favourite actors.

I’ve read quotes that she has stated and I love her down to earth, non celebrity, wise soul personality. I love her empathy which is so clearly evident by her capacity to be so amazing and diverse in the characters she plays.

I’m watching her on Ellen, and she is so funny, so gracious and humble about her success. She doesn’t know how many awards she has won, is very surprised to be nominated for yet another Oscar, when no-one else is surprised.

It was good hearing her say she sent a big long email to her friend Emma Thompson, who wasn’t nominated and how sorry she was and how awful she felt and how Emma replied with ‘good’. Which Meryl thought was funny. She has empathy and a sense of humour – which I love.

I can tell the way she talks about everything, that she thinks deeply about things, what is around her and takes it all in. There is such a sense of wisdom and depth to her. And I know she has been described as being a wise old soul and that part of me, relates to her.

I love her mannerisms and how she uses her hands and her facial expressions and eyes when she talks. She is very endearing.

And to top it off – she is hilariously funny – the part at the end, had me laughing so much! 😀

I will watch it again when I feel down – because it will make me laugh.

She’s someone I could sit and talk to for hours and no doubt spend a lot of time laughing with too.


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I’m deeply homesick for, and ready to be where I belong.

I know in my heart, I am truly done with this life.

I’ve already been through so much, so many different types of abuse and abusers and I know I want out. I feel like an old woman who has lived her entire life, and is just ready to die and be with Jesus. And really after my life, I don’t feel it is unreasonable to feel this way.

So many ‘people’ have done a really amazing job of destroying my life. I am defeated and I’m sure that will make some very happy to know.

I have a purpose in raising my children. And I don’t want any other purpose anymore. A year ago, I had all these ideas and plans, but they become less and less of a need or desire.

I just want to be alone, in my thoughts, play my music, write, help some people where I can and keep away from anything which can cause me any more grief – which means people.

I’ve seen enough. I’ve felt enough. I’m tired. I’m old. I’m fading. I’m down and out.

And I have no desire to fight it anymore.