Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


My constant conflicting needs, make life very difficult.

 

I have been very honest about the different parts of who I am, being very conflicting. And they are very hard to manage and deal with every day.

I have my old soul, wise part of me. Who just would rather be alone, think deeply about life and avoid the chaos of immature life and society around me.

I also have my hurt, vulnerable child part of me, that never had her needs met and never will, who still desperately craves these needs, craves people’s company, interaction, attention, kindness etc.

I have this constant conflict going on, and I literally feel like I am being ripped in different directions.

When I satisfy one area of my needs, the other is unhappy. Continue reading


I knew I had a very different heart to many, before the age of 10.

This quote/poster is travelling cyber world at the moment. On Facebook alone, one of these has been shared 185,000+ times.

This post is aimed at adults. I know many adults who seem to believe that most people are good and have the same hearts as they do.

Interestingly, some of these are good people – who wrongly believe most people are good too.

And many who are not good, and are in fact narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, misogynists, liars etc – who also believe everyone is the same as they are too.

I grew up in what I term a ‘garden of evil’. Abused from birth, abusive parents & sisters, paedophile/sex offender ring, and all of the above named types of people. 

I ‘knew’ – before the age of 10 – I was different to these people. I ‘knew’ what they were doing was wrong and bad, even as a child. My old soul and spiritual protection. I ‘knew’ my heart was VERY different to these people, before the age of 10, and that people with dark hearts very much exist and in big numbers and are so different to what is good. Continue reading


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“Forgive & Forget” – I always knew this was wrong & it is narcissist behaviour.

 

I see so clearly how this is a typical narcissistic trait – it gives abusive people the perfect way to abuse others and then demand you just forgive and forget – with no consequences to the behaviour.

I see clearly how church people/religious people LOVE to use this to do as they wish, have no consequences to their behaviour, have no repentance and put the full responsibility on the person hurt – to do the forgiving – and call them a bad Christian if they don’t.

Abusive religious people love cheap grace and demanding forgiveness – with no repentance. And projecting blame onto the victims. And telling you, you are wrong to feel angry about the abuse/lies you have endured.

I’ve known since I was a child, that people not dealing with their behaviours appropriately, is wrong. Continue reading


Love listening to Meryl Streep, my favourite actor. Wisdom, depth & so funny!!

I am drawn to people who have wisdom within them, and she has always been one of my favourite actors.

I’ve read quotes that she has stated and I love her down to earth, non celebrity, wise soul personality. I love her empathy which is so clearly evident by her capacity to be so amazing and diverse in the characters she plays.

I’m watching her on Ellen, and she is so funny, so gracious and humble about her success. She doesn’t know how many awards she has won, is very surprised to be nominated for yet another Oscar, when no-one else is surprised.

It was good hearing her say she sent a big long email to her friend Emma Thompson, who wasn’t nominated and how sorry she was and how awful she felt and how Emma replied with ‘good’. Which Meryl thought was funny. She has empathy and a sense of humour – which I love.

I can tell the way she talks about everything, that she thinks deeply about things, what is around her and takes it all in. There is such a sense of wisdom and depth to her. And I know she has been described as being a wise old soul and that part of me, relates to her.

I love her mannerisms and how she uses her hands and her facial expressions and eyes when she talks. She is very endearing.

And to top it off – she is hilariously funny – the part at the end, had me laughing so much! 😀

I will watch it again when I feel down – because it will make me laugh.

She’s someone I could sit and talk to for hours and no doubt spend a lot of time laughing with too.


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I’m deeply homesick for, and ready to be where I belong.

I know in my heart, I am truly done with this life.

I’ve already been through so much, so many different types of abuse and abusers and I know I want out. I feel like an old woman who has lived her entire life, and is just ready to die and be with Jesus. And really after my life, I don’t feel it is unreasonable to feel this way.

So many ‘people’ have done a really amazing job of destroying my life. I am defeated and I’m sure that will make some very happy to know.

I have a purpose in raising my children. And I don’t want any other purpose anymore. A year ago, I had all these ideas and plans, but they become less and less of a need or desire.

I just want to be alone, in my thoughts, play my music, write, help some people where I can and keep away from anything which can cause me any more grief – which means people.

I’ve seen enough. I’ve felt enough. I’m tired. I’m old. I’m fading. I’m down and out.

And I have no desire to fight it anymore.


Soul ages/emotional development in adults and where people I know, fit.

This all fascinates me and answers so many questions as to the people I have known in my life. It validates so deeply what I have always known.

Soul ages from http://lonerwolf.com/soul-age/

1. Infant Souls

Primary Focus: Being alive.

Lessons To Learn: Basic life skills, survival, mortality, physicality.

Age Comparison: 0 – 4

Key Characteristics: Raw, untamed, playful, excitable, unsophisticated, tribal, cautious, childlike, group-reliant, hunter-gatherers.

Also known as Newborn Souls, these people are often perceived by others as being ignorant, childish and innocent to the complexities of life. Possessing a very simplistic understanding of life, and a genuinely guileless approach to the world, Newborn Souls find it hard to adapt to ‘civilized society’. Instead, they prefer familiar clans, tribes and groups of people in wild, untamed environments.

2. Baby Souls

Primary Focus: Belonging.
Lessons To Learn: Social structure, rules, roles, human relations.

Age Comparison: 4 – 13

Key Characteristics: Compliant, regimented, dutiful, role-defined, absolutist, proprietous, disciplined, traditional, strong values.

(This is where so many Church people are at and why I find them so immature)

Also known as Child Souls, these people seek to make meaning, order and stability out of the chaotic and uncertain nature of life. Perceived by other people as being clean, modest and rigid, Child Souls tend to be very conservative, religious and rule-bound. The Child Soul’s beliefs and senses of self are defined by their culture and traditional moral or religious system.

3. Young Souls

Primary Focus: Independence.

Lessons To Learn: Personal-advancement, free will, personal-achievement.

Age Comparison: 13 – 29

Key Characteristics: Ambitious, competitive, innovative, material gain, enterprise, freedom, individualism, self-centered, self expression.

(This is where most of the ‘success driven’ people in society are at and I see this is also immature and ego driven)

Also called Teenage Souls, these people often live by the maxim “my way or the highway”. The Teenage Soul, similar to an adolescent, seeks independence, social status and material gain. Essentially, these people are agents of change and are responsible for many of the greatest advancements in the world. Driven and externally focused, Teenage Souls tend to be “workaholics”.
Continue reading


Emotional maturity progression.

This all explains a lot to me, and I see how it ties in with the stages of faith too.

It further validates how I have continually felt like I am surrounded my immaturity.

Being an old soul and one with deep empathy, is not easy.

But, now I understand more of who I am and how most won’t understand who I am, and all my ‘quirks’ that are actually about my maturity and wisdom level of the old soul in me, I am starting to accept myself far more.


“I am a complex combination of wise old soul & hurt, abandoned, vulnerable inner child.” ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I love this picture and it reminds me of who I am. Both of these people – combined into one.

A wise old soul, wise beyond my years. As my previous counsellor confirmed to me when I said I felt like I had lived 10 lifetimes and she replied ‘and you have 10 lifetimes of life wisdom as a result’.

But, I also know, I have my hurt, abandoned, vulnerable, scared inner child within me too.

It makes for a complex life, and a complex way of living, that means I relate to little around me and little in others.

It’s a constant tug of war within me, of understanding so much, so deeply, but being scared to death and fearful of all this…all at the same time.

My mood can change quickly, from wise deep introspection and insight into so much….to fear and being scared like the abused, scared, fearful child I was, that still resides within me.

I am still processing this realisation, as I always process everything very deeply and it takes me time as a result.

Complex.

A word that features very strongly in my life.