Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

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But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

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Focussing on my children, because they deserve a happy Christmas

I am acting my arse off at the moment. I am forcing myself every day to get up, put a smile on my face, focus on my children’s needs and the joy they deserve and making sure they are happy, joyful and having fun.

My 7 year old still believes in Santa. And I know this will probably be the last year he does, because other kids in school have told him Santa isn’t real.

So, I’m making the most of this special time for him, of the magic of Santa and how lovely that is for him.

I’m doing everything a loving, happy mother should be doing.

It’s forced and I truly do not feel any joy within me, accept for moments of seeing my children happy. Those moments where I feel their happiness – does bring me fleeting moments of joy.

The sadness I feel within, means those moments are fleeting. Then I am back to acting and pretending I am happy. I wait until they are in bed, and then allow myself to feel the suppressed pain, sadness and grieving – that consumes me every day.

But, my children are worth the acting. They are worth all the effort. I love my children dearly and will do everything I can to ensure they have a good childhood. To ensure they have a mother who puts their needs as the priority and focusses on that.

And they are happy, secure, content, cherished, loved and safe. Continue reading


Opinions are like assholes…. but they can still hurt ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Discernment, wisdom, rational thinking, empathy…. are all required to have a decent opinion. Especially about issues related to complex trauma.

There are some people who ‘get it’. And many who do not. Yet, they will voice their opinions anyway.

I have learned to ignore them. Mostly. But, when they come from people who are significant in my life, they hurt. And that’s okay – because the person mattered. And when people matter, anything harmful they do, does hurt. That’s normal.

I can also now choose to accept their issues are actually theirs. I know that now.

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Really tough weekend.

It’s my mothers Birthday today. And mothers day tomorrow.

Can I just go to sleep and wake on Monday please?

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It’s amazing how much I can put on an okay front, around my children. Which I always do, particularly on Mothers Day. There will be smiles and hugs and excitement as I show my children what they are needing, on Mothers Day.

But inside, I’m just dying a little more.

Doesn’t help that I have issues going on with my counsellor, and I can’t rely on her support either.

When dealing with childhood complex trauma, counsellors become like a parent figure and help the client learn all the things they weren’t modelled, told etc…. Their job is to re-parent.

So, it feels like an added betrayal, to see the same issues of failing to keep children safe from predators, echoed Continue reading