How My Ex Used Gaslighting To Sexually Abuse Me For Over 10 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse – where the perpetrator is twisting the reality of the victim’s situation, to cause them confusion, make them doubt themselves, doubt their perception of what is occurring, make them feel like they are going crazy, wear them down and continue to abuse them.

Gaslighting is very common with psychological abusers. My ex is a psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuser. He’s also highly narcissistic and sociopathic.

For a large proportion of our marriage, he sexually abused me. He bullied, harassed, coerced and abused me into unwanted sex. It was very clear to him that I did not want to have sex with him, because he frequently complained and got angry about the lack of sex. He created a terrible situation where my life was made far worse, if I did not give in to his demands. If I stopped him, pushed him off during the sexual assault, he would get very angry. He was relentless. Callous.

He abused me from day one, with continual lies, acting like he cared, manipulation and toxic selfishness. This chronic abuse, resulting in me no longer wanting any sexual contact with him. Which I had every right to not want. No-one is obligated to provide sex, and especially not when they are being abused. And no-one is owed sex, particularly when they are relentlessly abusing that person.

During this sexual abuse, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem. How dare I not want sex with him! How dare I refuse him! What a terrible person ‘I’ was. He even acted like he was ‘the victim’, in me not giving him what he wanted. His attitude was that he was given all this great sex at the beginning of our relationship (which was only due to all his lies) and then I ‘took that sex away from him’. So it was all my fault – in his twisted warped mind. He refused to consider his terrible actions and abusive choices had brought on this need in me to keep him away from my body. He never considered that was my right. He never considered he was responsible. He never took accountability. He never considered the coercion and bullying to be wrong. All of these being common traits and behaviours of narcissism and sociopathy.

What was even worse, was he referred to the sexual abuse he coerced me into, that caused me physical and emotional pain and disgust – as ‘making love’. He considers coercing a child sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex, manipulating me, plying me with alcohol, bullying me, harassing me relentlessly into rape – as ‘making love’.

It wasn’t making love at all. It was vile heinous abuse. Just because he enjoyed raping me, somehow in his perverted mind – still classified as a form of love. Or at least that’s what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to know ‘he’ was enjoying it.

Sick.

And a lot of sex abusers that abuse in relationships, believe the sexual assaults and rape – are ‘love’. Paedophiles also often choose to believe this about the sexual abuse to children.

The mind of a sex offender is a vile, dark place.

Calling rape/sexual abuse ‘making love’ – was gaslighting the ongoing abuse, into something completely different to what the reality actually was.

Talking About The Heinous Abuse Caused By People With Personality Disorders – Is Not Increasing Mental Illness Stigma ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Talking about the abuse, suffering and harm caused by people with personality disorders – is NOT increasing ‘mental illness stigma’.

Do not dare to try to silence abuse survivors as this is more abuse.

Personality disorders are not an excuse to abuse people.

I do not promote hate, revenge or retaliation – but I do promote the truth about how heinous their abuse is to endure.

Many victims kill themselves due to their heinous abuse. And some victims are killed by these personality disordered people.

The abuse must be discussed.

And info about these people so victims won’t be targeted again.

Now An ‘Official The Mighty Contributor’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My article was accepted, published and I was asked to be an ‘Official The Mighty Contributor”.

Which is great and I am so thankful for – as this raises more awareness about Complex Trauma, Complex PTSD, PTSD, abuse and child abuse.

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

 

30 Helpful Things To Say To Someone With Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Often people don’t know what to say to someone with Complex PTSD. As a result some say things that are harmful, invalidating and hurtful. Often unintentionally. Some avoid us, either because they don’t know what to say, or because they don’t want to deal with our pain. Some suggest we should be over this, or shame us for talking about past trauma. That increases the isolation and shame survivors often feel.

I could write an entire article on the things people have said to me, that were completely inappropriate and very hurtful. Being someone who suffers suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts, I am aware of the life threatening result of being victim shamed, invalidated and being further traumatised by other people.

So, this article is a list of things survivors of complex trauma, who have Complex PTSD, feel are helpful. It is my hope this leads to more productive and helpful interactions and support.

I asked my online Facebook community, and these were some of their responses.

I’m Glad To Have Finally Decided To Create An Ebook – I Can Promote Via All My Platforms ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have deliberated over how to publish my book and I’ve settled on an PDF ebook, I can promote via all my social media, this Blog and my Website.

I considered doing it via Amazon, and I see the advantages of it being promoted on a big audience, but I also see the drawbacks other authors have encountered, of dealing with reviews, dealing with trolls leaving bad reviews, when they haven’t even read the book.

I haven’t got time to deal with that crap. I don’t have the time or the motivation, to deal with negative stuff. And I don’t need my book to become a ‘best seller’ – I just want it to reach the people who need it. I just want to know it made a difference for people. And I could always re-publish it again in the future.

My Website has a lot of traffic and I could pay to have the SEO etc increased.

This Blog – has a of traffic.

And that is all enough for me. I know the book will reach those who need it.

SOOOOO glad I have finally made this decision.

Why We Need To Keep Talking About Physical Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have never been someone to do what’s trendy or popular. I do what I know is needed.

Most abuse conversations now, are about emotional abuse and psychological abuse.

People wrongly go as far as saying they are worse than physical abuse. Yet, physical abuse nearly always occurs with emotional/psychological abuse together. So the victim is enduring several forms of abuse at the same time.

I don’t minimize or invalidate physical abuse.

It is terribly dangerous.

12 Life Impacting Symptoms – Complex PTSD Survivors Can Endure ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Complex trauma is still a relatively new field of psychology. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, results from enduring complex trauma.

Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal trauma, where the victim is traumatised in captivity, and where there is no perceived way to escape. Ongoing child abuse, is captivity abuse, because the child cannot escape. Domestic violence, is another example. Enforced prostitution/sex trafficking is another.

Complex PTSD is a proposed disorder, which is different to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Many of the issues and symptoms endured by complex trauma survivors, are outside of the list of symptoms within the (Uncomplicated) PTSD diagnostic criterion. Complex PTSD does acknowledge and validate these added symptoms.

 

The impact of complex trauma, is very different to a one time or short lived trauma. The effect of repeated/ongoing trauma – caused by people – changes the brain, and also changes the survivor at a core level.  It changes the way survivors view the world, other people and themselves, in profound ways.

The following are some of the symptoms and impact, most felt by complex trauma survivors.

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1. Deep Fear Of Trust

People who endure ongoing abuse, particularly from significant people in their lives, develop an intense, and understandable fear of trusting people. If the abuse was parents, or caregivers, this intensifies. Ongoing trauma, wires the brain for fear and distrust. It becomes the way the brain copes with any further potential abuse. Complex trauma survivors often find trusting people very difficult, and it takes little for any trust built, to be destroyed. The brain senses issues and this overwhelms the already severely traumatised brain. This fear of trust, is very impacting in a survivors life. Learning to trust, can be learned, with support and an understanding of trusting people slowly and carefully.

2. Terminal Aloneness

This is a phrase I used to describe to my counsellor, the terribly painful aloneness I have always felt as a complex trauma survivor. Survivors often feel so little connection and trust with people, they remain in a terrible state of aloneness, even when surrounded by people. I described it once, as having a glass wall between myself and other people. I can see them, but I cannot connect with them.

Another issue that increases this aloneness, is feeling different to other people. Feeling damaged, broken and feeling unable to be like other people, can haunt a survivor, increasing the loneliness.

3. Emotion Regulation

Videos Highlighting Many Of My Posters/Memes ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

https://www.facebook.com/pg/HealingFromComplexTraumaAndPTSDAndCPTSD/videos/

Check out the above link, which takes you to slideshows of posters/memes I have created, to help spread awareness, compassion and understanding.