I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading
I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading →
I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.
I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.
There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.
I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better.
There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.
Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.
Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.
Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.
I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.
I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.
But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.
But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.
I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.
However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.
I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.
Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity????
I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.
But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.
My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family. Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.
Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay. Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.
Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.
Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.
I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago Continue reading →
Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.
When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.
It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.
People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.
People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.
I’m past caring now. It is what it is.
I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.
I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading →
Something I have realised, is I have no idea what a healthy relationship with a man looks like, or feels like.
Sad. But, true.
My intimate relationships have all been with abusive men.
I don’t know anything else.
My mother made sure I was truly fucked up by men since being a little child.
My first sexual ‘experience’ (I remember) was a paedophile and hard core porn at around 9 years old.
After that – it was abuse, abuse, abuse.
And all the self harm that goes with this – emotionally. sexually, physically is beyond painful.
And I know if I am enduring this – there will be more like me. Continue reading →
I haven’t been blogging – for several reasons. One being that I felt like I had nothing positive to say. But, now I have something positive to blog about!
I’ve spend the last 12 months learning a new photography profession, with the aim to set up my own part time business. This leading towards my financial independence again.
Today I had my first sale! After only one week of my business up and running!
I cried. Tears of shock, joy and no doubt other emotions. I didn’t expect people to like my work as much as they clearly do. I didn’t expect people to want to pay me.
I could into all the complex trauma reasons why I put myself down and still don’t expect good reactions from people in my life. There is still fear, shame, low self esteem, my normal being people treating me like I am worthless……… and more. But, I don’t want to write about all that. I know I have those issues still. I’m working on them and okay that it will be a long process, after 46 years of abuse. It’s okay that I haven’t ‘fixed’ all that yet.
So, instead – I will focus on my success. My talent. Others recognising that. Others treating me like I am a person of worth. People giving me amazing feedback about my work and their whole experience with me.
It’s a huge step in the direction of where my life needs to head.
I also recognise how much courage and strength it has taken for me to do this, considering how traumatic 2017 was, and how ill I am.
I’m going to be okay with being a success. With being a person other people do value. Continue reading →
I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.
Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.
This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.
I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.
I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.
I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.
I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt. Continue reading →