Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Coming back to deeper truths ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am aware, this quote is very true for my healing journey – and therefore many other people healing.

I have often thought I am done with processing something, and then it comes back up again, and I process it further. To a deeper level.

spiral-3-001

And I don’t think we are ever truly done with processing many things, until we have learned all we needed to learn.

Which I see is a life long journey in many aspects.

I know I will never be done with learning, healing, truth and wisdom seeking.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.

 


2 Comments

Why do I line space, more than is needed?

PTSD line spacing

Not all with PTSD will have issues with reading. But, I have noted those with severe PTSD and Complex PTSD, do often share issues with reading large amounts of text.

And we need to remember PTSD is a continuum. People experience the symptoms and consequences of trauma, to different levels of severity. It is not a ‘one size fits all’ disorder.

So, knowing this affects me, I always try to line space more, to make it Continue reading


I think deeply & search for honesty…. that’s what I bring to the conversation.

I think a lot. And deeply. I process a lot. And deeply. I know this to be true, because I am told this. By many. It’s what I bring to the table in understanding complex trauma survivors, emotions, reactions, responses, and why. My counsellor has stated that I have taught her much about complex trauma, and stated I am someone who thinks/processes, to an unusual depth.

I have mixed responses to what I write about. Some find it very insightful, helpful and a level of honesty/insight rarely spoken. Some tell me it puts into words, what they have not been able to express themselves. Some don’t understand what I am processing, don’t relate and some react emotionally to it and reject it. Which I understand and I have compassion for.

Today, I tweeted my last post about why victim blaming and self blame, can be a maladaptive coping strategy, which was referred to as “Wow. Very Insightful“, by another complex trauma/child sexual abuse survivor. And that blog post was shared by Dr Melanie Greenberg’s website – a clinical psychologist, an expert in trauma and blogger for Psychology Today.

And I tweeted a popular blog post I wrote, about mental health professionals not having enough empathy for complex trauma survivors and why, which was referred to as “It’s Empowering that you speak the truth, because it is truth & there is too much of the lack of empathy going on! Thank U!” & “Your advocacy helps extremely Lilly, it’s sensitive & complex that some do not grasp the severity of it” & “You are making a difference in this world” & “You have become very Empowered & you are an amazing inspiration for me & others!!” – by a trainee therapist/complex trauma survivor, and “Helpful insights, learned the hard way”, by another survivor.

Many people have commented on these posts, shared them and mental health professionals have thanked me for writing them. Which is good, because I believe this issue of sufficient empathy – that is so vital to complex trauma survivors, is one reasons, many struggle to heal.

This last comment, ‘learned the hard way’, struck home the depths of suffering, invalidation and re-traumatising, I have endured, to work out all I process. It makes me realise, just how much I have endured, and continue to endure, due to other people. Whether it be intentionally harmful, or not.

I am glad that other survivors of complex trauma, who also have some insight, see what I write as the truth. As a deeper level of processing. As that need some of us have deep within, for honesty and truth, no matter how hard to deal with.

And I know – when you are someone who knows the depths of abhorrent suffering people can wilfully cause….. and suffer terribly at the hands of those who were meant to care for you… it changes who you are. It changes you from an average person, with average human life experiences, and average understanding about trauma…. to someone not average, with experiences well beyond any realms of normal. The life experiences of suffering I have endured, are profound and well beyond the limit of what we created to endure/cope with.

I accept I am different to an average person, because that is the reality, the outcome, the consequence, of suffering and enduring non normal life experiences over prolonged periods of time. Being different, is not a ‘bad symptom’, that needs correcting. It’s absolutely normal for a complex trauma survivor. A complex trauma survivor cannot be expected to be ‘normal/average’, when their life was not normal/average. Especially when this complex trauma was throughout their childhood. Continue reading


1 Comment

Not allowing ‘anyone’ to hurt/shame me, means I am losing and grieving a lot of relationships.

My work in healing over the last few years, means I have come to realise how much abuse I have tolerated, because of several reasons. Fear of abandonment being one. Not having self worth, another. Being so ‘used’ to it, means it was just my life.

Now, I won’t tolerate it.

But, this means over the last few years, a lot of people have been cut out of my life and I am grieving them all.

It becomes a very lonely place, when you are not prepared to allow others to minimize your pain, shame you, force their views on you, flaunt their views in your face etc.

My need to not allow this anymore and my need to shut people like this out…means a lot of people are placed into the ‘you cannot be trusted, you are hurting me, you must be gone from my life’ pile…meaning I am ejecting some people out of my life, who are not intentionally hurting me.

But, I can’t cope with it. Once those red flags have been alerted and I know they are hurting me, whether intentionally, or not…my capacity to allow them to remain in my life, becomes zero.

One example is how people, view abusive people. Continue reading


5 Comments

Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.

insight

I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell. Continue reading


11 Comments

Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.

I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.

The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.

Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.

Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.

It’s harder than feeling self hatred.

I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.

Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument. Continue reading


2 Comments

You betcha, I will challenge anything that does not ‘sit well with my soul’.

A post to my community page @ https://www.facebook.com/HealingFromComplexTraumaAndPTSDAndCPTSD

I think being someone who has been abused so much, since birth, by all the important people in my life, and by so many…. I developed a deep need and deep capacity to think about everything and when something doesn’t ‘feel’ right, to not just assume it’s okay. No doubt PTSD increases this too. But, it has given me the capacity to consider so much very deeply.

I challenge much of what I see, read that does not seem okay. I am aware people have different opinions, and that is okay, but if it doesn’t ‘sit right with my soul’ – then I will process this and challenge it. And I have told to keep doing this.

I challenge my own doctor/counsellor and I am blessed to know, she lets me do this, because it is part of my healing. I told her some time back that I challenge everything and she replied ‘Good! – go (Lilly)’.

And I think it is healthy to share what I process from the perspective of a survivor of much abuse, who also has intelligence, life wisdom, deep processing capacity and empathy. Continue reading