Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Leave a comment

11 Ways Child Abuse Survivors Emotionally Self Harm ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sad woman10-001

There is a fairly good understanding in society about physical self harm – such as cutting, burning etc.

But, there isn’t anywhere near as much insight and understanding, as to all the many ways child abuse survivors – emotionally self harm.

The following are ways survivors of child abuse – harm themselves. Often completely unaware they are self harming. It is often not a deliberate act of self harm.

When considering whether a behaviour or thinking is harmful, it is necessary to look at the result of it. Is there something negative occurring, as a result?  If there is, and the survivor keeps repeating it, then this is emotionally self harmful.

I want to make it clear prior to anyone reading this – there is no judgement about any of this. I am simply pointing out what I see are understandable – but unhealthy ways child abuse survivors harm themselves. And only in identifying these, can a survivor choose to change and heal.


  1. Self Hatred

    This is a particularly common form of emotional self harm. It understandably results, from being treated badly as a child. When adults have harmed us, especially caregivers – this can result in the survivor hating themselves. They can see themselves as ‘bad’, ‘damaged’, ‘unlovable’.

    The survivor needs to address this, by starting to understand they are worthy of treating themselves with compassion and care. The survivor needs to learn they are worthy of being treated kindly and with dignity. And that starts with self.

  2. Blaming Self For The Abuse

    Again this is common when children have been abused by adults. They often blame the child for the abuse. They can make the child feel the abuse is deserved. This emotional abuse – can continue on in the survivors ‘inner critic voice’ – perpetuating the emotional abuse in childhood. The belief system of the child being the problem and deserving of the abuse, is a typical and very harmful abusive tactic of toxic people.

    Challenging the belief systems and the inner critic, is how the healing of this begins. Until the survivor can accept 100% they were never to blame, the shame of self blame will continue.

  3. Maladaptive Coping

    Survivors of child abuse, understandably cope in many ways. A child does not have the capacity to cope with abuse and trauma, as well as an adult can. This can result in coping which may have been adaptive at the time of being a child. But, when that continues on into adulthood, it is a problem. This can be being continually angry, withdrawing from people and remaining alone. The survivor may use methods to dissociate from their inner pain, such as unhealthy levels of gaming, watching TV etc.

    These need to be addressed in order to reduce them and to find more healthy ways of coping, that lead to a better quality of life.

  4. Drugs & Alcohol

    It is very understandable that survivors of child abuse, would turn to drugs and/or alcohol to cope with the pain and many mental and physical health issues that result. Self medicating is common with child abuse survivors. But, this is dangerous, can lead to death and if the drugs are illegal – this could lead to criminal proceedings and jail/prison.

    Long term use of drugs and alcohol, cause further health issues. Often professional support is required to deal with addiction and substance abuse.

    Failing to seek help, is self harm.

  5. Working Too Hard

    Some child abuse survivors, learn to minimise and avoid their pain, by working too hard. The work fills that void within and helps reduce the emotional pain. However, this means the survivor is not dealing with their trauma. They are avoiding it. Which does not lead to healing. And many survivors who use work as an avoidance method, can fall apart, and no longer maintain their excessive work behaviours.

  6. Exercising Too Hard

    Exercise is good for physical and mental health. That is well known. However, some child abuse survivors exercise in excess. They punish their bodies and themselves, with unhealthy levels of exercise.

    Exercise can be addictive for some survivors. But, this is unhealthy and can cause further physical health issues. Over-exercising can cause heart attacks, muscle damage and other health issues.

    Confronting the addictive nature of over-exercising, and choosing to change to more healthy levels of exercise, is how the survivor will begin to address this.

  7. Sex

    Some child abuse survivors, use sex as a way of dealing with the pain. This can be addictive and it can be harmful and unsafe. If they allow people to treat their bodies in a harmful way, they are self harming. Survivors can also fail to ensure they are safe, and this can lead to being sexually violated.

    Child abuse survivors often seek love and attention, in unhealthy ways. They often are targeted by people who abuse this, and use and abuse the survivor again. This is re-traumatising.

    This is especially common with child sexual abuse survivors. When a child’s body is violated in this heinous way, it can lead to the adult survivor putting themselves in continually traumatic situations, not protecting themselves, and continuing the abuse they endured in childhood. They often do not understand why they do this.

    This requires compassion, and for the survivor to begin to know their body is precious, is not to be used and abused, and that only healthy and appropriate treatment is then considered.

    This may require very sensitive and empathic therapy.

  8. Anger/Rage

    Anger is a necessary emotion for child abuse survivors to feel, as part of their healing. It is necessary to be angry at being a vulnerable child and abused.

    Anger is okay, unless it is being directed at people who are not responsible for the abuse. When survivors are continually angry, they hurt others and they are hurting themselves.

    Learning to control anger and manage it, is vital.

    A survivor is not going to have healthy relationships with others, if they are continually angry. This means the survivor is hurting themselves and unable to form healthy relationships.

    Excessive anger also affects the physical body. There is an increased risk for heart attacks, stokes and other health issues, when a person is consumed with anger to an unhealthy level for longer than is needed for healing.

  9. Being Consumed With Thoughts Of Revenge

    Some survivors of abuse, do have thoughts of wanting revenge, or for the perpetrator to have something happen to them back, so they know how the pain of abuse feels.

    Excessive thoughts about this, and being consumed by this need for revenge, only harms the survivor. It keeps the survivor locked in pain. It keeps the survivor bound emotionally to the perpetrator.

    Understanding that healing is not about the perpetrator at all, but about how the survivor improves their life, is how someone will change this thinking.

  10. Lack Of Self Care & Lack Of Healthy Boundaries

    Child abuse survivors often struggle with self care. This can be physical self care and emotional self care. A lack of healthy diet, exercise, body hygiene, caring for appearance etc.

    Often child abuse survivors often don’t have any self worth, so they don’t care for themselves with love and kindness.

    A lack of healthy emotional boundaries can lead to further abuse and harm. Especially as toxic people sense these soft boundaries, and use them fully for their own toxic needs. And when toxic people are your ‘normal’ from childhood, this is often all the survivor knows. So they continue to engage with toxic people in adulthood.

    Some survivors of child abuse have very strong inflexible emotional boundaries, and these keeps them from forming healthy relationships, and often keeps them stuck in isolation. Missing out on the good that comes from healthy attachment and loving relationships.

    The survivor needs to learn healthy self care, healthy boundaries, and how to implement them.

  11. Using An Identity To Cope & Avoid Dealing With The Trauma 

    All too often I see survivors of child abuse, taking on a persona/identity to cope. This often will be described as a ‘warrior survivor’. This is understandable, but not healthy if the survivor is using this identity as a protection shield, and is failing to process the trauma, failing to grieve the trauma. This ‘identity’ can feel like a very strong thought process, yet it often keeps the survivor in a state of avoidance.


In self reflecting and truly looking at all the behaviours and thinking a survivor of child abuse can have, this promotes changes to healthier ways.

A survivors needs to have self compassion and understand, they were doing the best they could within this terrible situation of child abuse.

As the adult we become, we can choose to look at what will help our lives improve. And know we deserve to have good lives.

It takes time and often support, to make these changes. To form health and true beliefs. To develop healthier ways to cope and live. I always suggest trauma informed therapy as this can provide the safe place and relationship, within which to process the trauma.

It is possible, and it is my hope for all survivors, to know if they have any form of self harm, they can change and this will promote such healing.

For more information about child abuse, complex trauma and more, see my Website @ https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

My Website, is supported by many mental health professionals and clinicians.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.


8 Comments

12 Life Impacting Symptoms – Complex PTSD Survivors Can Endure ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sunset_miscarriage

Complex trauma is still a relatively new field of psychology. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, results from enduring complex trauma.

Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal trauma, where the victim is traumatised in captivity, and where there is no perceived way to escape. Ongoing child abuse, is captivity abuse, because the child cannot escape. Domestic violence, is another example. Enforced prostitution/sex trafficking is another.

Complex PTSD is a proposed disorder, which is different to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Many of the issues and symptoms endured by complex trauma survivors, are outside of the list of symptoms within the (Uncomplicated) PTSD diagnostic criterion. Complex PTSD does acknowledge and validate these added symptoms.

fullscreen-capture-7092016-121003-pm-001

 

The impact of complex trauma, is very different to a one time or short lived trauma. The effect of repeated/ongoing trauma – caused by people – changes the brain, and also changes the survivor at a core level.  It changes the way survivors view the world, other people and themselves, in profound ways.

The following are some of the symptoms and impact, most felt by complex trauma survivors.


1. Deep Fear Of Trust

People who endure ongoing abuse, particularly from significant people in their lives, develop an intense, and understandable fear of trusting people. If the abuse was parents, or caregivers, this intensifies. Ongoing trauma, wires the brain for fear and distrust. It becomes the way the brain copes with any further potential abuse. Complex trauma survivors often find trusting people very difficult, and it takes little for any trust built, to be destroyed. The brain senses issues and this overwhelms the already severely traumatised brain. This fear of trust, is very impacting in a survivors life. Learning to trust, can be learned, with support and an understanding of trusting people slowly and carefully.

2. Terminal Aloneness

This is a phrase I used to describe to my counsellor, the terribly painful aloneness I have always felt as a complex trauma survivor. Survivors often feel so little connection and trust with people, they remain in a terrible state of aloneness, even when surrounded by people. I described it once, as having a glass wall between myself and other people. I can see them, but I cannot connect with them.

Another issue that increases this aloneness, is feeling different to other people. Feeling damaged, broken and feeling unable to be like other people, can haunt a survivor, increasing the loneliness.

3. Emotion Regulation Continue reading


Leave a comment

Videos Highlighting Many Of My Posters/Memes ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

https://www.facebook.com/pg/HealingFromComplexTraumaAndPTSDAndCPTSD/videos/

Check out the above link, which takes you to slideshows of posters/memes I have created, to help spread awareness, compassion and understanding. Continue reading


11 Comments

10 Damaging Ways Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Harm Their Children ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Surviving narcissistic parents, is literally all about survival. Narcissistic parents treat their children like extensions of themselves. The child is there entirely for the needs of the parent(s). The child learns to navigate issues, they are never meant to endure.

A childhood being raised by narcissistic parents, is far from normal. Narcissistic parents are toxic and selfish to the core. They have no regard for the needs of their children. They have no consideration for the harm they cause.

Everything, is ‘all about the narcissistic parent’.

narcissistic parent


This article highlights 10 ways narcissistic parents can harm their children.

1. The child is never ‘good enough’.

No matter how hard a child tries, they will never be ‘good enough’. This is shown in words and actions modelled. This often leads to a child having poor self esteem and self loathing, which continue on into adulthood.  The child learns they are only valued for what they do, and not who they are.

2. The child’s needs are never a priority.

Only the narcissistic parent’s needs matter. There is always emotional neglect and the child learns their own needs, feeling and emotions, are not a consideration and are not valued. The child is not cherished, encouraged or validated, in any way outside of the parents needs being met. The child is not nurtured, or cherished. The child is often judged, criticised and shown contempt. This can lead to the child having a huge deficit of healthy self esteem, or self worth.

3. The child is expected to take care of the narcissistic parent’s emotional needs.

Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. The child is manipulated into continually taking care of the parents needs, whilst no regard or consideration is shown for the child’s needs. The child is often expected to perform duties outside of what is healthy behaviour.

Parentification abuse – often occurs within a relationship between a narcissistic parent and their child. The child is inappropriately made to meet the emotional and/or physical needs of the parent. Often a child will be made to responsible for caring for siblings, in ways the parent is failing to. Often the child has to listen to adult issues such as financial issues, sexual relationship issues.

The child is forced to be an adult and often not treated as the child they actually are.

4. The child’s emotions will be denied, mocked and never validated.

Narcissistic parents bully their children. Sometimes the child of a narcissist will (understandably) feel upset, angry, hurt at times. These emotions, may be mocked and even taunting the child can occur. Examples, if the child is sad, the narcissistic parent will mock and state “you are a such a misery to be around”. If the child shows anger or gets upset, the narcissistic parent will e.g. then use cruel labels such as “you are such a drama queen”. The child’s emotions are never valued.

If the child expresses feeling (appropriately) annoyed at the narcissistic parents demands, the parent will immediately employ further abuse and manipulation, to gain back control. Such as guilt tripping, shaming, silent treatment. The child’s appropriate feelings, again denied and invalidated.

5. Love or affection is always conditional.

The narcissistic parent is unwilling to show genuine love, empathy. There are always conditions the child has to meet, which are always for the benefit of the parent. If the child fails to meet the ‘conditions’ -they will be punished in emotionally abusive ways the narcissistic parent knows will hurt their children. Such as the silent treatment, or cruel words and labels. The child fails to learn any sense of self worth, outside of meeting other people’s needs and demands.

6. There is often a ‘golden child’ role & often a ‘scapegoat’ role.

Narcissistic parents often have (unspoken) ‘roles’ their children are given, that are entirely for the unhealthy needs of the parent. These assigned roles, are not ever for the benefit of the children. These roles are emotionally abuse.

The ‘golden child’ is one role, and this child can do no wrong and is there to boost the unhealthy ego of the parent. The golden child is there is flatter the parent, and to feed the shallow image needs of the parents.

The ‘scapegoat’ is the child who is given the role of taking all the blame and shame for the dysfunction within the family. The narcissistic parent needs someone to blame, as this means the parent never has to be accountable for their abusive actions. They willingly project blame and shame onto the scapegoat and the child often develops toxic shame as a result.

7. Healthy emotional and physical boundaries, do not exist with narcissists.

A narcissistic parent does not comply with normal healthy emotional boundaries required for a child to feel safe. Inappropriate comments about appearance, inappropriate body contact, completely denying the child their needed emotions and feelings. Any beliefs the child expresses that are not compliant with the parents beliefs and needs, are denied and invalidated. The narcissistic parent may also make inappropriate comments to the child’s friends. They may snoop in their child’s diaries. Or make inappropriate and demeaning comments about their child, to other people.

This failure to teach and model healthy boundaries, means the child fails to learn them, and this can often lead to further issues well into adulthood, as the adult survivor then tries to navigate adult life, without many skills required for a healthy life.

8. Various methods of emotional abuse are used to maintain control and protect image.

Such as manipulation, gas-lighting, projecting, lying, the silent treatment, comparing to other siblings, mocking, blaming, shaming, coercion and guilt trips etc.

The image of the family is paramount. Nothing negative about the parents, is allowed to be spoken outside of the family. The phrase ‘don’t air your dirty linen in public’ is one the narcissistic parents and dysfunctional family hold very strongly.

9. The child grows within a dysfunctional environment of fear and anxiety.

The child is constantly aware their parent is requiring something from them. Hyper-vigilance is developed young, as the child learns to monitor and discern the narcissistic parents moods, actions and body language.  The child knows at any point the parent could be annoyed, angry, or emotionally withdraw – when the child does something deemed to be wrong. Or even just because the narcissistic parent is in a bad mood, which is projected onto the child.

The phrase ‘walking on eggshells’, or suffer the wrath of the narcissistic parents abusive reaction, becomes something the child learns to keep themselves as safe as is possible.

10. Affection is never appropriate or consistent, so the child never feels consistently loved, or cared for.

Not being shown genuine love, is emotional neglect and is emotionally abusive. One of the main needs of any child – is love, safety and protection. These are not provided by the narcissistic parent.

For the ‘golden child’, they learn affection is based upon how much they feed the parents ego and image. The golden child is often encouraged to mock and bully their siblings. They are encouraged to feel superior to their siblings.

For the scapegoat, they learn their only role is to willingly take the blame and shame for anything, and that resistance to this, results in the adult abusing the child further. To placate the parent any way possible, becomes the way the scapegoat child exists within the dysfunction.


Narcissistic-Parents-Quote-1

Life within a dysfunctional family, is an awful neglectful childhood. It can cause considerable emotional and social issues well into adulthood. When the adult survivor embarks on adult relationships, they often do not have the skills required for to develop and maintain a healthy relationship, with partners, friends, and sometimes with their own children.

Often adult survivors of narcissistic parents have poor, unhealthy boundaries, that cause more issues – such as becoming an easy target for further abuse in adulthood.

Sometimes, the adult survivor has no awareness their childhood was dysfunctional. Sadly, this will mean the adult survivor is unaware of how their lives continue to be affected by their childhood.

Sometimes, the adult survivor is aware, or does become aware of the dysfunction, and they will choose to learn about healthy relationships, maybe seek counselling and will begin to heal the deep wounds and complex issues caused by their narcissistic parent(s).

Narcissistic abuse from parents, can also cause mental and physical health issues in adulthood. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety Disorders, OCD and many more mental health issues, can result. Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and other physical health issues can result.

For anyone looking to heal their own wounds from a dysfunctional and toxic childhood, I do recommend therapy, with someone trained and experienced in toxic abuse.

I have written about 12 ways adult survivors can begin to heal these deep wounds caused by narcissistic, toxic parents.

See @ https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/how-to-begin-to-heal-the-wounds-caused-by-narcissistic-parents-lilly-hope-lucario/

I have a host of information which may help survivors, and those interested on my Website which is recommended by mental health professionals with the trauma and abuse field. My Website includes a whole range of books and resources, which further explore the damaging ways of toxic, narcissistic parents, and the harm they cause. Plus, there are resources on healing, including books from therapists and mental health professionals.

Website @ @ https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.


12 Comments

The Life Impacting Consequence – Of Toxic Parents Destroying Their Children’s Happiness ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

DSC_2707-041

Toxic parents project their own darkness and issues onto their children.

One of the ways they do this, is to make sure the targeted child(ren) are not happy and to make sure they do not believe they should be happy. They destroy any happiness their children try to find.

Having my mother tell me this any time I tried to be happy – made me believe being happy was shameful and something I did not deserve. I only deserved to be unhappy – and even that was mocked.

Complex trauma survivors struggle to maintain any positive emotions. And this is one reason why.

Complex trauma survivors often experience happiness or positive emotions for very brief periods of time, before they spiral down into what feels like depression, but in fact is often shame.

Another reason positive emotions are short lived, are because when you are living in a harmful, toxic, unsafe home – abuse is always imminent – and we grow to know happiness is only ever very short lived, before we are enduring the next abusive onslaught.

Children’s brain are still growing and developing throughout their childhoods. The harmful and abusive experiences – affect the growing brain. Along with the brain being wired for fear, it is also wired to experience shame – as soon as any positive emotions are felt.

Having abusive parents – is horrendous and a childhood no child should ever endure. Continue reading


Leave a comment

Another Person Who Understands ‘No, Not Everything Happens For A Reason’.

The words in this article echo my insight and understanding of the harm platitudes and toxic attitudes about trauma, cause.

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason


From the article…

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

That’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.

It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist—and that is why I share actionable tools and strategies to work with your pain in my free newsletter. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve heard these countless times. You’ve probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. 

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on an increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed.

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn’t. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we’ve replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.   Continue reading


5 Comments

When You Realise Your Husband Completely De-humanised You – For 16 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sadness-2

I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.

My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.

I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.

Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about.  And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.

My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.

Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.

I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.

He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.

He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.

He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.

He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.

And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.

There is no evidence of any love, at all.

And plenty of evidence of abuse.

And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.

He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.

I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.

And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more. Continue reading