Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When You Realise Your Husband Completely De-humanised You – For 16 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.

My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.

I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.

Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about.  And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.

My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.

Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.

I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.

He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.

He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.

He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.

He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.

And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.

There is no evidence of any love, at all.

And plenty of evidence of abuse.

And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.

He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.

I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.

And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more. Continue reading


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My husband is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

 

 

In my last counselling session, my counsellor explained how I have systematically faced all the trauma, and processed all the truth and heinous nature of it all. She explained, processing about my abusive husband, is the last piece of that journey.

My husband is a pathological and compulsive liar, has a fake persona, is completely delusional as to what kind of person he is, is selfish to the core and does not love anyone. He is also callous and lacks any moral virtue.

I described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be a far better person than he actually is. He pretends to be a nice person (sheep), when in fact, he preys on people to manipulative and use for his very shallow, narcissistic needs (wolf). My counsellor stated this was an accurate description of who he is. And she has insight into him, as she has done several counselling sessions with him.

My counsellor stated, he doesn’t know how to love. He is so consumed within his own narcissistic self, that he does not love. He uses. And abuses. His own needs are all he thinks about.

The wolf in sheep’s clothing, is also appropriate, because he has a cruel streak, which I have always hated about him. He likes to see people hurt, embarrass themselves. Even children. I’ve seen him laugh at his niece, when she fell and hurt her leg and was then limping. His siblings are the same. They are a very narcissistic family.

This week, I overheard a telephone conversation, where he was getting a work colleague into a lot of trouble. He claims she did something wrong, and it could have had implications on him. So, he reported her to the boss. And during this conversation – he was revelling in it. I could hear it in his tone. Interestingly – he had a lot of verbal confidence during this conversation with his boss. He spoke clearly and well. He had a lot of words about this colleague and what she had done.

Yet, whenever I speak to him about all the terrible things ‘he’ has done – he is mute. Completely emotionless. Like a mute, dumb, heartless, empty non human. He has no words to express remorse. No emotions. Absolutely nothing. He feels nothing about any harm he causes others.

The levels of hypocrisy in him feeling so entitled to point at other people’s wrongdoing  ……. whilst also conveniently ignoring all his own wrongdoing – is disgusting. Yet, he is absolutely okay with it.

He has a very entitled attitude. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. And no-one should question him, or try to make him accountable. He feels no remorse, and therefore no desire or need to put anything right. He feels no need to apologise. He feels nothing. For his own disgusting, manipulative, devious, selfish, abusive behaviours.

I regret every single day I have been with him. I regret letting him anywhere near me. I regret having children with him. But, I also know I was manipulated, by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I believed the nice/fake persona he exploited people with. I only now know – the full extent of his personality disordered, character disordered self.

And it sickens me.

It explains all the thousands of lies, all the manipulation, all the deviousness, all the projection, the gas-lighting, the tantrums when he is challenged about his wrong doing. It explains all the affairs, having an affair with his own uncle’s wife, him never considering or thinking about my heinous abuse history. It explains his obsession with sex and lack of self control, impulse control over anything sex related. It validates what I have known for a long time, that sex was his main motivation for exploiting me.

It explains how he can so callously exploit, harm, use and abuse a woman who has already been so deeply harmed and as suffered as much as I have.

And the callous, heartless, empty, soul-less person he is, has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done to me. And because he feels nothing about the things he has done that harm others, he could so easily form a fantasy, delusional belief system of who he is. He had lied to himself for decades, that he is a good person. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, which he conveniently ignores, forgets about and then that part of him, in his twisted mind, does not exist. Continue reading


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I fell in love with a man who did not exist; the reality for many survivors of narcissistic partners ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I was not aware in any way, that the man I was falling in love with, had a delusional persona that he used to manipulate and exploit me.

I did not know his persona was a lie.

I did not have the opportunity to know the truth about him and therefore had the choice to know who he really was, and to walk away, stolen from me.

This is the reality of many narcissistic partner survivors.

Please know – if this happened to you – you should not feel any shame for having believed the lies, the persona, the fake image presented to you.

Narcissists often fool mental health professionals – so anyone can be fooled by them.

The only shame that should be felt – is by the narcissist  – for their chosen manipulative, exploitative, devious and deceptive behaviours. Continue reading


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Be Aware Of Toxic People Re-directing The Focus – To The Reaction To Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

A post to my page. I have endured this my entire life.


Toxic people like to re-direct the focus – away from their chosen decisions to abuse – to the reaction of the victim.

It’s a form of manipulation, that enables the toxic abuser – to avoid focussing on their actions, to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their chosen abusive behaviours.

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When they re-direct focus to e.g. the victims anger – they can claim the victim is the one in the wrong. The victim is the one with the issues. The victim is the problem.

See how they shift the focus and shame – from themselves – to the victim? It happens a lot. It is very common with toxic people.

They can say things like ‘why are you so angry’ – ‘no one can talk to you when you get like this’, ‘look at you – you’re crazy’.

The focus is shifted – and the focus becomes about the anger/resentment/emotional distress – the victim is feeling.

The anger/ emotions/ distress etc the victim has ‘every right’ to feel…….. because being angry/ emotional/ distressed- at being abused – is a NORMAL and rational response to being treated badly and to being abused.

Continue reading


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No-one sees my naked body, until they have wanted to know my naked soul ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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This sums up the last 16 years of my life. My marriage. My husband never cared about me. He just wanted my body and what I could do for him.

He never asked a single question about my childhood. He knew I’d been abused. He knew enough about my past to know someone went to prison.

Never once did he stop and think about any of that.

Never once did he ever ask me if I wanted to talk about any of it.

Never once did he tell me he would be there for me, if I wanted to talk.

He didn’t care enough, to think about any of that. That didn’t serve ‘him’. That was about me – and he has/had no interest in me in any unselfish way. he only ever cared about him. And his deeply selfish and shallow needs.

All he ever did was take, take, take.

Use, use use.

Abuse, abuse, abuse.

The depths of his narcissistic soul, disgust me.

To use someone the way he has, along with all the pathological lying, cheating, manipulating, projecting etc…… is selfishness to the core. It’s narcissism to the core.

And this has been the story of my life, since being 9 years old. Abusive, toxic, selfish people – abusing my body. Continue reading


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The childhood complex trauma shame – of apologising, when you shouldn’t.

I was raised to be the child heinously blamed, shamed and abused. With my mother, I learned young to do whatever it took to reduce her anger, lesson the abuse, and end the silent treatment. Including, apologising for things that were not mine to apologise for. In fact, they were my mothers issues and responsibility to apologise for. And that never happened.

So, it set me up on a lifelong road of being the scapegoat. And taking the blame and responsibility, for things that were not mine. Not being allowed to show valid emotions. Having to tolerate all manner of toxic issues projected onto me. And just take it. Like a doormat.

And a lifelong road of apologising, when in fact there was no reason for me to apologise. And apologising for having normal reactions to being harmed or hurt. While the apology that should be given to me…… wasn’t. As always was the situation.

In fact, this is what happened with all the abusers. I had to do whatever it took, to reduce the harm that was always coming. To diffuse the abusers anger. I apologised continually to the psychopath. I would beg and plead. Do whatever he wanted. Say whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked to reduce his rage and anger. Other times, it fed his sick need to hurt me. But, it was my only hope of getting hurt less.

I’m aware this was all a survival mode. But, I always hated myself inside for having to do this. It fed my shame. It’s sad how much toxic shame has pervaded my whole life.

I did this recently, with my counsellor. I know why. I’d rather take the blame for a situation I had every right to be angry about. But, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. So, rather than face ongoing rejection, abandonment, grieving………. I caved. And apologised. In fact, I am ashamed to realise, Continue reading


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Why I am not remotely interested in the thoughts, or opinions, of any of my abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

People have asked me why I blog as much as I do? And don’t I care what my abusers who read this blog – think of me?

I can see it is odd to some people – that I would potentially let abusive toxic people – know I am struggling, or I am suicidal. Some people seem to think it is ‘bad’ or wrong, to let abusers know we are struggling. Some people seem very concerned with what abusers think, or know.

I couldn’t care less what they think or know…… and never have done since I began my healing journey. And that is why I am able to journal everything. And be so honest, which some people are unable to be – if they are only willing to write the ‘good stuff’ what they ‘want’ an abuser to know.

So in not caring what they think, I am able to write about the hard stuff, like being suicidal, like when I am struggling.

And I’m aware many people relate to that honesty, and how I don’t hold parts of my journey back.

I wrote a post on my Lilly Hope Lucario page about this issue today……. Continue reading