Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I don’t have it in me, to participate in suicide awareness day.

I can’t hear all the bullshit messages people will be spreading, about how ‘all’ suicide is preventable.

How suicide is selfish, think of the ones you leave behind.

How suicide is weakness.

I am so sick of hearing messages from people, who are not even educated in psychosis and dissociation and how these are severe symptoms of PTSD, CPTSD, Depression, Bipolar.

I am sick of uneducated, entitled, opinionated, people.

I am sick of judgments and being shamed. Continue reading


I know when I have suicidal thoughts, they occur within a dissociated type state.

People talk about suicide being selfish. On one level, I see their point. The loved ones left behind suffer, terribly. And I do not want that and I know many suicide survivors say the same.

But, I know, whenever I have ‘those’ types of thoughts, I am not capable of thinking the way I do when I am calm and rational.

I have not figured out entirely what state I am in when these dark thoughts are filling my mind. They could be due to:

1. Dissociation.

2. Emotional flashbacks.

3. Psychosis.

All these being different, but still an altered state of mind, where my thought processing is different to my normal thought/processing capacity.

I have researched suicide, and I know the emerging, latest views in the psychiatry/neuroscience world, is that suicide most often occurs when people are in an altered state of reality.

Mental health disorders such as Depression, PTSD, Bipolar – can all have psychosis, at the severe end of the spectrum.

PTSD, and maybe others (I am unsure) and trauma related mental health, can have dissociation, flashbacks.

So, when someone is in this altered state of mind, their capacity to consider the needs and emotions of others, should they endure a loved ones suicide, is not there.

Many suicide survivors and people suffering suicidal thoughts, feel very ashamed of this and confused as to how they can have these thoughts, when they have family, children, loved ones.

But, I know myself well, I have deep self insight and deep honesty about myself and I know my thoughts when my symptoms/emotions have gone too far, become altered, by my altered stated of mind. Continue reading


My reasons why I don’t believe marijuana is okay for PTSD sufferers.

The long term side effects of marijuana are well known to be paranoia, depression and delusions/psychosis.

Do PTSD sufferers really need to add this to their symptoms?

I do understand that the use of medical marijuana helps eleviate the symptoms in the here and now, but long term side effects need to be considered.

I know a relative of my husband, who is a long time daily marijuana user and she is definitely a paranoid person, and easily angered. So it hasn’t helped her long term. And she doesn’t have PTSD.

I’ve also witnessed people who use it and have PTSD – show very paranoid behaviours, and get nasty.

This happened the other day, a guy who clearly has big issues with anything Christian related, blew up totally unprovoked, lashing out at me – saying that I hate gays etc. Which is so far from the truth. I’ve never even mentioned anything faith related – ever – to this guy, I don’t preach at anyone.

But, he got really nasty, decided I must be one of those conservative, right wing, abusive types (which quite frankly was very offensive to me), and made up lies and acted like I have preached at him – which is 100% false. It really was like he was having some paranoid delusion as the lies were being tweeted about me. He was imagining things that has not occurred. Which is a delusional state. I didn’t react to his issues, but had to report him to Twitter.

I think it is only when stoned, people are actually benefitting, but the rest of the time, their symptoms become worse. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, delusions. All of which the regular use of marijuana can cause. Continue reading


People whinging and whining here….try taking a look at what goes around the world.

A common whinge and whine with women, who are overweight and unfit, is ‘how hard it is to go to the gym and how people don’t understand that’.

I was severely abused for the first 20 years of my life and through my 30’s. I’ve had every form of abuse done to me, over prolonged periods of time. No love, no support. I’ve had PTSD all my life. Depression all my life. Anxiety all my life.

During my 20’s and 30’s – I got my butt in the gym and was healthy. I didn’t sit around complaining how hard it was, I just did it. Continue reading


I’m not going to any counselling anymore.


I can’t expect anyone to understand me, or know me, so I cannot expect anyone to be able to help me.

I can’t expect people to be, who I need them to be. And deal with the pain, when they are not.

I accept, I have been hurt by so many people, I am done.

I accept I have been hurt too much, for too long, by too many, too deeply.

I cannot get hurt anymore.

Intentionally, or unintentionally.

It’s not about blame, or if anyone has or hasn’t done anything wrong.

It’s because, the cost is too high.


I don’t really understand what has just happened to me…but it is huge.

I have been sat here thinking about psychosis and what is must be like to do something horrible and then find out afterwards, have no memory, and have to live with that for the rest of your life. And how terrible that is, for all concerned. And I have compassion for this.

Then, I suddenly had this – well I don’t know what it is – of thinking about everyone with mental illness. I do believe every action committed by a person, is about psychology. We eat because we have a need to eat, so our brain tells us when we are hungry etc.

Anyone with a mental illness has psychology, that is not how the brain is designed to think. I have PTSD, so my brain makes me re-experience trauma, and it is horrible. It makes me have anxiety. I have complex trauma symptoms of fear of trust/abandonment, to the point where I can feel suicidal etc.

I am able to know, what I have, and that if I could, I would wipe all my childhood, wipe all trauma, any genetic issues I have, and have a healthier mind that does not feel anxiety, does not have trauma repeating etc.

No-one with a healthy mind, will want to have a mental health disorder, or any unhealthy mind stuff/issues, lack of empathy, narcissistic traits, anything. Those with depression, will want it gone and whatever caused it. This applies to abusive people. If they were ‘able’ to think in a healthy way – they would not want their unhealthy mind, whether it be sociopathic disorder, psychopath, paedophile etc.

If they were ‘capable’ of thinking with a healthy mind – they would not choose the disorder they have, but their minds are so unhealthy – they think what they have is okay. A paedophile knows what he is doing is wrong, but wants to do it anyway. Which is a really messed up unhealthy mind/brain stuff. If he was suddenly ‘fixed’ and had a healthy mind, and knew what he had done and the hurt caused and had empathy – he would be devastated – as any normal person would – have huge remorse and deep distress. Continue reading


Research on psychosis. And a lesson, to quit my ‘opinions’, when I don’t know enough…

I wasn’t aware PTSD, could have psychosis. Not common but possible.

And severe depression is one of the more primary disorders, where psychosis can occur.

I am aware that psychosis means there is a complete loss of reality, and behaviours can occur that would not be normal behaviours for that person. Sometimes extreme behaviours. Including violence.

This is new to me, and just shows, as I always say, I definitely do not know it all, by far, but I will find out and keep learning.

A mother has recently been found guilty of infanticide, and let off jail time. My first thought – wow, how can she get off killing her child and disabling another one! Crap bloody legal system!

Hmmmmmm me and my un-educated opinion, which I fully admit to and don’t justify. Honest, I am.

Having done my research on what came from the court hearing, was apparently it could have been psychosis caused by postpartum psychosis.

If this is the case, and this is not her normal kind of behaviour at all, then I feel deeply sorry for this woman. To know you have killed your own baby and severely disabled another and live with that for the rest of your life, so deeply distressing and I do feel for this woman. I cant imagine what it must be like to have a lapse in time, not remember anything and find out you have done this to your children. No wonder she is reported to have deep self hatred and visits the grave every day. If it was psychosis then what a terribly sad situation and I feel a lot of compassion for this mother. It makes me want to cry.

Is psychosis provable? In hindsight – after the situation has occurred? I don’t know.

There is also the case of the military guy who shot people in Fort Hood. He had possible PTSD and a possible brain injury. It could have been psychosis, but there is no proof. ‘If’ it was psychosis and he was not normally an aggressive man, again I feel deeply compassionate for him. To live with that, is horrific. Continue reading