I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading
I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading →
I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.
I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.
There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.
I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better.
There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.
Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.
Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.
Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.
I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.
I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.
But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.
But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.
I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.
However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.
I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.
Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity????
I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.
But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.
My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family. Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.
Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay. Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.
Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.
Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.
I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago Continue reading →
I haven’t been blogging – for several reasons. One being that I felt like I had nothing positive to say. But, now I have something positive to blog about!
I’ve spend the last 12 months learning a new photography profession, with the aim to set up my own part time business. This leading towards my financial independence again.
Today I had my first sale! After only one week of my business up and running!
I cried. Tears of shock, joy and no doubt other emotions. I didn’t expect people to like my work as much as they clearly do. I didn’t expect people to want to pay me.
I could into all the complex trauma reasons why I put myself down and still don’t expect good reactions from people in my life. There is still fear, shame, low self esteem, my normal being people treating me like I am worthless……… and more. But, I don’t want to write about all that. I know I have those issues still. I’m working on them and okay that it will be a long process, after 46 years of abuse. It’s okay that I haven’t ‘fixed’ all that yet.
So, instead – I will focus on my success. My talent. Others recognising that. Others treating me like I am a person of worth. People giving me amazing feedback about my work and their whole experience with me.
It’s a huge step in the direction of where my life needs to head.
I also recognise how much courage and strength it has taken for me to do this, considering how traumatic 2017 was, and how ill I am.
I’m going to be okay with being a success. With being a person other people do value. Continue reading →
I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.
Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.
This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.
I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.
I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.
I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.
I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt. Continue reading →
I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.
I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.
This means I personally – will never be okay.
I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.
I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.
People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.
I have no hope for my situation to improve.
I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.
I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality. Shaming me in the process. Continue reading →
The results of my tests in hospital are:
Have to have more tests as an outpatient. I guess that’s when they will talk about medication, or something to do with managing it. Maybe. If they can be bothered. The cardiologists were pretty blasé about it all. I suspect it would be different if I were someone with private health cover. Public health patients are often treated as though they don’t matter. I guess they deal with worse cardiology related issues: people dying, full heart attacks, open heart surgery etc. I’m sure if I have a full blown heart attack or major stroke – they might seem a little more concerned. Maybe.
I’m someone who does research and finds quality info and info that often the general public are not aware of. I’m not easily fobbed off by doctors who treat people like they don’t deserve to know the truth of their illness. Who treat people like it doesn’t matter if they die.
I’m trying to be okay with this new health info.
I’m aware my genetics (family of origin have heart/strokes etc), my severe trauma history, having PTSD all my life, now these actual issues occurring….. means my risk for life threatening issues occurring are greatly increased.
I’m pretty numb most of the time. I guess that survival mode kicking in.
I need to be strong for my kids.
So now dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. I’ll do my best to manage all the symptoms and hope it’s enough.
And I’m at the point now where it’s easier to just tell most people what they want to hear… “I’ll be okay, I’m strong, I’ll beat this too … blah blah blah. People don’t want hear about your struggle, your fears, your pain. They want to hear what makes ‘them’ feel comfortable.
Something I’ve also learned in this………… is my entire life I have had my ‘stuff’ invalidated, minimized and trivialised….. and that still continues. It’s happening now about my physical health issues…. from doctors.
But, just because others choose to do that to me…….. doesn’t mean they are right, or that they are showing any kindness in what they are doing.
I’ve realised I’ve spent my life also minimizing my ‘stuff’ – as I was groomed to do by my ‘family’ who called me a drama queen anytime I tried to stand up for myself in regards to their mistreatment and abuse. I had to be the opposite of a drama queen and not care about my needs, or being mistreated and it led to other people all my life not caring about my needs, or caring about mistreating me either. And to them trivialising what I endure and the seriousness of it.
But, I do realise just how serious this all is. It’s really fucking serious. It’s life threatening serious. It’s – I could die or have a severe stroke and be incapacitated for the rest of my life – serious.
So, I know I have to make a bit more of an effort to demand this be taken seriously and for them not to just shrug me off. Even if I am only a ‘public system patient’.
I matter to my kids, even if no-one else cares.
And I’ve realised as a result of the last few months …. that I will always be my only true advocate.