Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

It’s Rape – If There’s Sexual Coercion ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I am processing this information and it is devastating to realise – I have been subjected to this throughout my adult life.

And to know…….. this was never love. But sexual abuse. And rape.

There is also emotional and psychological abuse occurring when a victim being manipulated and coerced and the consent is not being freely given as a result.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Articles….

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https://www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained

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From this article…. which was significant to me being a childhood sexual abuse survivor…

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Growing up as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I didn’t understand what was considered consent and not consent in sexual relationships. Although I felt uncomfortable being pressured to do something I didn’t want to, I didn’t understand the best way to say no. I am a freezer. That means when I get scared, I freeze. So likely when I feel uncomfortable with something, my whole body will get rigid, my eyes will get big, and I will become mute. When I learned more about consent by working at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I soon realized that nearly all my relationships involved sexual coercion.

Society must stop enabling/excusing abusers, based on mental health.

Abuse is increasing, in all forms.

A huge % of abuse is based on these disorders and other mental health disorders.

Mental health disorders are increasing.

Society must stop allowing mental health to be used as an excuse for abusers, to abuse.

Society needs educating about personality disorders, what the signs are, and must recognise these disorders more and in particular how they mostly cannot be treated successfully.

Society MUST reduce abuse and not allow it to continue increasing.

Thankful to Clementine Ford for her views ‘There is no such thing as Survivor Privilege’.

http://www.dailylife.com.au/news-and-views/dl-opinion/theres-no-such-thing-as-survivor-privilege-20140616-3a89g.html

All of this is from ^ article.

Conservative old white men don’t have the best track record when it comes to discussing sexual assault in a sensitive and intelligent manner. In the US, there’s Republican congressman and former Presidential candidate Ron Paul, who once referred to ‘honest rape’; Republican state representative Richard Rivard complained that “some girls, they rape so easy”; Republican Gubernatorial candidate, who famously stated that “if [rape] is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it; and who can forget the Republican congressman and former Senate candidate Todd Akin advising that, where pregnancy and rape are concerned, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”? Yes Todd, but only if she’s a duck.

Now we can add one more to the list of men who really shouldn’t be given a platform to share opinions on things they clearly know little about. Just over a week ago, Pulitzer prize winning journalist and conservative commentator George F. Will wrote a column for the Washington Post in which he lamented the ‘progressivism’ that American college campuses have been embracing, particularly in regards to the “supposed campus epidemic of rape”. Such ill thought out capitulation to a leftist liberal agenda has only resulted in one thing, Will writes: “That when they make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges, victims proliferate.” As Jessica Valenti wrote in response, “Rape victims get called a lot of things [but] the last word I ever expected to hear to describe a rape victim is ‘privileged’.”

Just because I am strong enough to have endured it, does not mean I deserved it.

Just because I am strong enough to have endured severe, multiple, prolonged complex trauma/abuse..

Does not mean I ever deserved even a minute of it.

And no matter what I did, or didn’t do, it did not ever give anyone the right to abuse me.

No-one ever deserves abuse.

No matter what any abusive, or unhealthy people may say.

The abuse, was always a choice by the abusers.

A choice ‘they’ made. Their blame. Their guilt. Their shame. Whether to choose to own that or not.

I still need to remind myself of this, often.

To replace the old belief systems seared into my soul, by all the abusive people I have endured.

Another example of Narcissism in the media – that people flock to.

http://www.narcissisticmother.com/50-shades-of-narcissism

Great article ^^^.

I knew Fifty Shades of Grey – was a very unhealthy way of normalising unhealthy/dangerous behaviour. I couldn’t read them. And seriously – I am no prude. But, I have grown rapidly in the last 2 years.

Society is absolutely hell-bent on increasing narcissism/sociopaths – and very unhealthy behaviours and thinking. And ‘intelligent’ people are running to it in their millions…’oh I can’t wait for the movie to come out!’

There is something very sick – about finding a very emotionally unwell man who was abused in his childhood, acting out his unhealthy desires on a woman – and calling that ‘enjoyable’ and being aroused by that.

And do people not realise this increases sexual violence to women and rape culture?

Fifty Shades of You Need Counselling.

Fifty Shades of Perversion.

Fifty Shades of Narcissism.

Fifty Shades of Are You A Narc? No seriously?

Fifty Shades of ‘Why on earth are you not realising how sick this is?????’

I can hear some people saying ‘oh she is just affected by her past abuse’. I say – believe that if you need to, but you are wrong.

Rape Culture, Sexual Violence, Victim Blaming increasing why? Narcissism & Sociopaths increasing.

There are always psychological reasons for certain behaviours increasing within society.

Sexual violence, rape culture and victim blaming – are all increasing because narcissism & sociopaths are increasing.

‘Generation Me’ believes;

Anyone can do what they want

Regardless of it being right or wrong

Regardless of it hurting others

And they feel completely ‘entitled’ to do what they choose

And have no accountability for their actions.

No remorse

No empathy for their victims.

Outward blaming onto the victim e.g. she was dressed like a slut, so she was ‘asking for it’.

I have heard Christians ‘blaming’ victims, because of the way they dress and stating that a wife should not deny her husband sex.

All VERY wrong.

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/4450220.html