Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


How My Ex Used Gaslighting To Sexually Abuse Me For Over 10 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

gaslighting 1

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse – where the perpetrator is twisting the reality of the victim’s situation, to cause them confusion, make them doubt themselves, doubt their perception of what is occurring, make them feel like they are going crazy, wear them down and continue to abuse them.

Gaslighting is very common with psychological abusers. My ex is a psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuser. He’s also highly narcissistic and sociopathic.

For a large proportion of our marriage, he sexually abused me. He bullied, harassed, coerced and abused me into unwanted sex. It was very clear to him that I did not want to have sex with him, because he frequently complained and got angry about the lack of sex. He created a terrible situation where my life was made far worse, if I did not give in to his demands. If I stopped him, pushed him off during the sexual assault, he would get very angry. He was relentless. Callous.

He abused me from day one, with continual lies, acting like he cared, manipulation and toxic selfishness. This chronic abuse, resulting in me no longer wanting any sexual contact with him. Which I had every right to not want. No-one is obligated to provide sex, and especially not when they are being abused. And no-one is owed sex, particularly when they are relentlessly abusing that person.

During this sexual abuse, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem. How dare I not want sex with him! How dare I refuse him! What a terrible person ‘I’ was. He even acted like he was ‘the victim’, in me not giving him what he wanted. His attitude was that he was given all this great sex at the beginning of our relationship (which was only due to all his lies) and then I ‘took that sex away from him’. So it was all my fault – in his twisted warped mind. He refused to consider his terrible actions and abusive choices had brought on this need in me to keep him away from my body. He never considered that was my right. He never considered he was responsible. He never took accountability. He never considered the coercion and bullying to be wrong. All of these being common traits and behaviours of narcissism and sociopathy.

What was even worse, was he referred to the sexual abuse he coerced me into, that caused me physical and emotional pain and disgust – as ‘making love’. He considers coercing a child sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex, manipulating me, plying me with alcohol, bullying me, harassing me relentlessly into rape – as ‘making love’.

It wasn’t making love at all. It was vile heinous abuse. Just because he enjoyed raping me, somehow in his perverted mind – still classified as a form of love. Or at least that’s what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to know ‘he’ was enjoying it.

sexual abuse

Sick.

And a lot of sex abusers that abuse in relationships, believe the sexual assaults and rape – are ‘love’. Paedophiles also often choose to believe this about the sexual abuse to children.

The mind of a sex offender is a vile, dark place.

Calling rape/sexual abuse ‘making love’ – was gaslighting the ongoing abuse, into something completely different to what the reality actually was. Continue reading


Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sexual coercion

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

Continue reading


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It’s Rape – If There’s Sexual Coercion ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

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I am processing this information and it is devastating to realise – I have been subjected to this throughout my adult life.

And to know…….. this was never love. But sexual abuse. And rape.

There is also emotional and psychological abuse occurring when a victim being manipulated and coerced and the consent is not being freely given as a result.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Articles….


..

https://www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained


From this article…. which was significant to me being a childhood sexual abuse survivor…

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Growing up as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I didn’t understand what was considered consent and not consent in sexual relationships. Although I felt uncomfortable being pressured to do something I didn’t want to, I didn’t understand the best way to say no. I am a freezer. That means when I get scared, I freeze. So likely when I feel uncomfortable with something, my whole body will get rigid, my eyes will get big, and I will become mute. When I learned more about consent by working at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I soon realized that nearly all my relationships involved sexual coercion. Continue reading


“I’m a sad girl, I’m a bad girl” – Lana Del Rey

So much of Lana’s music resonates with me, to my teenage years.

I’ve spent my whole life, believing deep down, I am a bad girl.

That’s those voices from the past, those deep wounds that cause so much harm.

When you are told something enough, when you are treated badly, so often….. you believe it.

 


TED The Reporting System That Sexual Assault Survivors Want

We don’t have to live in a world where 99 percent of rapists get away with it, says TED Fellow Jessica Ladd. With Callisto, a new platform for college students to confidentially report sexual assault, Ladd is helping survivors get the support and justice they deserve while respecting their privacy concerns. “We can create a world where there’s a real deterrent to violating the rights of another human being,” she says.

 


Even the Bible speaks of people failing child abuse survivors.

I just read this, on Unfundamentalist Parenting.

Tearing the Robe Twice: Christian Parenting and the Rape of Tamar


Tamar was wearing a long robe with many colors. The king’s virgin daughters wore robes like this. Tamar tore her robe of many colors and put ashes on her head. Then she put her hand on her head and began crying. Then Tamar’s brother Absalom said to her, “Have you been with your brother Amnon? Did he hurt you? Now, calm down sister. Amnon is your brother, so we will take care of this. Don’t let it upset you too much.” So Tamar did not say anything. She quietly went to live at Absalom’s house. King David heard the news and became very angry, but he did not want to say anything to upset Amnon, because he loved him since he was his firstborn son. Absalom began to hate Amnon. Absalom did not say one word, good or bad, to Amnon, but he hated him because Amnon had raped his sister Tamar.

~ 2 Samuel 13:18

As a child and survivor advocate, I find Tamar’s story to be one of the most haunting in the Bible. Along with the murder of Abel and the rape of Dinah, Tamar’s abuse shows how parents and leaders have failed to properly understand and respond to child abuse since the beginning of time.

Their actions have amplified the damage instead of fostered healing. It was Amnon who first caused Tamar to tear her robe in grief. Yet her father David and her brother Absalom cause a second tearing of the robe, by forcing Tamar into further silence and shame. Absalom later goes on a murderous rampage against Amnon, but Tamar — her story, her injustice, even her very existence — vanish from the text, as absent from future biblical narratives as they are from most sermons and pulpits today.


It shows how people have been failing child abuse survivors, forever. And it still goes on. Particularly with church people. Continue reading


Petition, to stop ‘legal rape’ promoter group.

https://www.change.org/p/the-nsw-police-force-stop-supporters-of-legal-rape-roosh-v-advocates-meeting-in-sydney?recruiter=472293914&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink

Words fail me as to describing just how abhorrent this group are.

They want to legalise rape on private property. They promote how to be predators. They promote enjoying violence against women.

What’s worse than knowing this group exists, is knowing they have many followers, a worldwide audience and there are many people agree and want this also.

They have booked ‘meetings’ in 44 countries, worldwide.

I’m sure there will be many ‘excuses’ made for these men promoting this. No doubt their childhood will be assumed to be inadequate/abusive, assumptions as to their possible mental illness, blamed. These will be given as the reasons why these men want to cause so much suffering to women. These will be the excuses given, to make these men seem less bad than they are. To somehow rationalise they are unable to see their actions are abhorrent.

I don’t want to hear the excuses. I’m over hearing excuses.

What these men are doing is evil. I’m not minimizing the abhorrence of the minds/souls of these men. It is evil and they are promoting evil.

And I agree with this petition, that this should be considered a hate crime and they should be arrested, convicted and jailed for hate crimes. Continue reading

Too many people, have touched my soul, with their dirty hands.


Society must stop enabling/excusing abusers, based on mental health.

Abuse is increasing, in all forms.

A huge % of abuse is based on these disorders and other mental health disorders.

Mental health disorders are increasing.

Society must stop allowing mental health to be used as an excuse for abusers, to abuse.

Society needs educating about personality disorders, what the signs are, and must recognise these disorders more and in particular how they mostly cannot be treated successfully.

Society MUST reduce abuse and not allow it to continue increasing.


Really bad memories, caused by music. The Cure – Lullaby.

Watching a TV program tonight and this song came on.

Immediately my mind jumped straight into truly horrific memories.

Some people give in to such evil that makes them want to harm others in truly evil, torturous ways.

I used to listen to the radio constantly whilst in captivity and I used to record all the songs on tape, that I liked and listened to them over and over and over. They were my only company. My only friends. Music helped me survive.

This song was a reflection of the perverse, darkness I was trapped within.

The Cure made very dark music.

And I know this was at the height of my suicide ideation coping. Death was my ‘get out’ way of ending the pain, that he didn’t have control over. I had control and I could end it if I needed to and he couldn’t make me suffer anymore.

I researched this song and found out it is about a child being sexually abused. I instinctively knew it was about abuse and that is why I related to it as teenager and the current situation I was in. Well in fact related to my childhood, as I was always surrounded by darkness, I just didn’t understand why, then. Now I do.