I am acting my arse off at the moment. I am forcing myself every day to get up, put a smile on my face, focus on my children’s needs and the joy they deserve and making sure they are happy, joyful and having fun.
My 7 year old still believes in Santa. And I know this will probably be the last year he does, because other kids in school have told him Santa isn’t real.
So, I’m making the most of this special time for him, of the magic of Santa and how lovely that is for him.
I’m doing everything a loving, happy mother should be doing.
It’s forced and I truly do not feel any joy within me, accept for moments of seeing my children happy. Those moments where I feel their happiness – does bring me fleeting moments of joy.
The sadness I feel within, means those moments are fleeting. Then I am back to acting and pretending I am happy. I wait until they are in bed, and then allow myself to feel the suppressed pain, sadness and grieving – that consumes me every day.
But, my children are worth the acting. They are worth all the effort. I love my children dearly and will do everything I can to ensure they have a good childhood. To ensure they have a mother who puts their needs as the priority and focusses on that.
It’s hard being someone who is a Christian, but not a ‘regular/average’ Christian. I don’t think the way many of them think. I don’t follow like a sheep and believe everything I hear.
I also don’t fit into secular society. I don’t believe many things, your average secular person believes.
I am sat in tears writing this. I know the ‘not belonging’ issue, is a complex trauma issue. But, most people want to belong. It’s a normal, natural human need.
I don’t belong, or fit in. My views I have to keep to myself, to fit in. Because people reject what they don’t want to hear. And my faith is important to me. I don’t force it on anyone. But, I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t exist either. And I have no-one to talk to. I can’t even talk to ‘Christian’ people. There I get rejected the most.
Just because I don’t drink the church Kool Aid, does not make me wrong. But, if you don’t unquestioningly follow along, blindly….. you’re deemed a ‘trouble maker’.
And churches notoriously reject the non stage 3 sheep. (Stages of faith). ‘Thinking’ is not promoted. It’s suppressed. You run the risk of not being welcomed, if you dare to suggest they may be wrong, their Biblical interpretation is wrong.
Cognitive dissonance, will be avoided at all costs, by many church people. In exactly the same way it is, by most people throughout.
There are some things I avoid talking about in counselling, because that’s Christian counselling. I have tentatively approached the conversations, and it was Continue reading →