Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


1 Comment

Growth & Healing Continue ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

grow through

It’s good to have feedback from my counsellor, as to where I’m at. We’ve had an up and down therapy relationship, but we’ve both learned and grown from each other.

I know I am at a place, where it feels like a ‘safe enough’ relationship, which is pretty huge for a complex trauma survivor.

Yesterday, I noted my counsellor talking about giving myself the grace to not be perfect. So, I asked for clarification on this. She confirmed I do set high standards for myself – which I think is good. I see clearly the harm caused by people who seem to think it’s okay to set low standards for their behaviours. But, I need to mindful of not expecting so much of myself, that it is harmful.

She also confirmed I am ‘mostly’ caring for myself – which indicates to me that she feels I have more work to do on this. And that’s okay, because I know I will be a work in progress all my life.

I am aware wisdom knows – we should always be learning and improving. And that mostly needs to be about ourselves. Transformation of self, is how we heal.

And she confirmed I am more aware of my boundaries, how I care for others, and that I give myself time to think and talk about issues, or something I am processing.

Something I have realised myself, is I am far less ‘anxiety/fear/shame’ based now. And that is proof of my healing. I am also not angry anymore. I did need to feel anger, as part of healing and grieving, but I don’t feel that anymore.

I also know I am at a place now, where other people’s issues, no longer affect me. I wish no-one any harm, but I also know – I do not have to tolerate anyone else’s issues. I don’t internalise other people’s issues. And that is huge for a complex trauma survivor.

I’m very aware of the growth and maturity that comes from being able to honestly self reflect and the capacity to choose to change.   Continue reading


Leave a comment

Getting Back To My Healthier Routine ~ Lilly Hope Lucaro

Until I heard my mother had died, I was in a really healthy routine, where I spent a lot less time on social media and my blog, and a lot more time filling my day with healthy healing activities.

I was in a routine of going to yoga & guided meditation twice a week, pilates once a week, my volunteering with people with disabilities and my weekly therapy.

When I heard about my mother, my routine changed. I didn’t feel up to going to any exercise classes. I kept going to volunteering – because I didn’t want to let them down. And I’ve gone to therapy as normal.

Plus, there were issues that needed to be resolved with my husband and his parents, and that went a lot better than I expected. So, that was such a relief.

I am really tired, and although I have already grieved my mother, as in all the abuse, who she was that I endured, the mother I should have had – but didn’t. I’ve been grieving all that for the last 5 years. And I had got to the stage of no longer feeling angry and hurt, before she died. Which was probably good.

So, whilst I haven’t fallen apart, I know my routine has gone out the window, I’m back on social media too much, and I’m really tired.

I know I need to get back into my healthier routine. Next week, I’m going back to yoga, meditation and pilates. I will wean myself back off too much social media use.

The good part of all this, is I have used the time I’m back on my laptop – to write out some great articles, that are helping many, and will be going into my book. So, at least I’ve used this, for good. Continue reading


3 Comments

You Know You Are Healing From Complex Trauma – When You Don’t Internalise Toxic People’s Darkness ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Fullscreen capture 28052017 84931 AM

This toxic person – decided trolling a woman who has suffered so greatly, and then is grieving the death of her abusive mother – was the person to troll, abuse and harass. Which is a pretty disgusting thing for someone to do. But, that’s sadly how vile some people choose to be.

I always reflect on these situations – as to how I dealt with it and I am pleased with myself. I did not get remotely upset. I did not feel hurt or angry.

I just stepped back, looked at the actions of this toxic person, and placed the appropriate boundaries. I did not respond to her many emails. I did not react back. I’ve learned that toxic people don’t respond well to being told their actions are abusive.

And this is indeed – healing.

I no longer internalise toxic people’s darkness. That’s their shit to deal with. Continue reading


5 Comments

8 Ways For Complex Trauma Survivors To Build Self Esteem & Self Care ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sad girl 8-001

Complex trauma is ongoing and/or repeated interpersonal trauma/abuse, caused with a captivity environment, where there is no perceived way to escape.

If this is endured within childhood, the child often fails to learn self care, appropriate boundaries and fails to develop a healthy self esteem.

For adults enduring complex trauma e.g. domestic violence- the self esteem and capacity for self care the survivor may have previously had – can be slowly destroyed, reduced and can become almost non existent.


Self esteem and self care are linked. They both lead to an increase in self worth, which complex trauma survivors can have a lack of.

The following is 8 ways a survivor can start to build, or re-build healthy self esteem, self care.

1. Know The Abuse Was Never Deserved

A survivor of complex trauma, often feels the abuse they endured, was in some way their fault. The perpetrators of the abuse often tell the survivor it is their fault, as a way of shifting blame to the victim. And this is another layer of the trauma endured.

It is needed to know – the victim was never at fault, the abuse was never deserved, nothing the victim did or did not do – means they are at fault, in any way.

The responsibility for the abuse was always 100% the perpetrators.

The accountability for the perpetrators actions, lies 100% with the perpetrator.

No-one should be blaming, shaming or shifting shame, about abuse. Including the survivor.

Part of healing is to come to understand this.

2. Self Talk About What A Survivor Does Deserve

Once a survivor fully understands they did not ever deserve to be abused, they can begin to have the self talk needed, as to what they do deserve. And always deserved.

A survivor deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, care, kindness and compassion. And they always did deserve this. The fact that someone abused them, does not in any way mean they deserved to be abused or mistreated.

Developing this positive self talk, takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes times to re-wire belief systems and the way we talk to ourselves.

This is vital, for the healing to begin.

3. Understand Healthy Emotional Boundaries

During complex trauma/ongoing abuse, appropriate boundaries are trampled over, by the perpetrator. This includes emotional and physical boundaries.

If the survivor was abused in childhood, often the child does not learn appropriate and healthy boundaries, as they were never modelled. Learning healthy boundaries, can be a difficult step, but it is possible. Continue reading


1 Comment

Focussing on building the life I always deserved ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve not been having the best few weeks, with my counselling ending so badly, plus other issues in my life I have to endure for some time yet.

I have a ladies group I have been running now for a year and it going so well. At my last ladies group we had such a lovely time. It was our Christmas get-together, we had a secret Santa, and I brought decorations and decorated the table – which the ladies thought was lovely.

Today, was our last meet before Christmas, and the ladies were just delightful to be with. Some ladies have some personal issues and we talk about that. But, we also have chat about nice things too and have some giggles.

I really feel like I can be myself around the ladies. I joke a bit and they like that – it always makes them laugh. I can also be the kooky person I am, and they are accepting of that. They know I have had a ‘difficult’ childhood, but I haven’t elaborated on that. And I don’t intend to, because I can’t handle anymore hurt and rejection about my trauma history.

I am happy to just focus on other things about my life to talk about. They are very encouraging of my photography career and ask me questions and are interested. Which is nice because no-one has ever really been interested in what I do, other than to put me down.

So, it’s nice to have genuine encouragement and I am appreciative of that. I’m looking forward to catching up with them in the new year. Continue reading


1 Comment

Surround yourself with good people ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

surround-yourself-2

I no longer choose to be around people who don’t want the best for me.

I have no issue with removing people from my life who have non genuine motivations.

I have no desire to be around those who use and abuse others.

I no longer feel the need to give any attention to those who criticise me, put me down, mock, scorn, ridicule, invalidate or any other toxic behaviours.

I have no feeling of responsibility for toxic people.

And what is even better – is I have no desire to even think about these people, what their issues are, or why they are behaving the way they do.

Those days are over.

I don’t care to give them any attention, any longer.

I choose now, to only surround myself with good people who are genuine, have good motivations and want the best for others.

Who I associate with, connect with, spend time with, give my energy to, allow into my inner circle …. will be a reflection of all I always deserved – good people. Continue reading