Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


25 Obvious & Non Obvious Self Care Issues – Complex Trauma Survivors Struggle With ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



Self care is something spoken about a lot, and seems so very easy. Well, not to complex trauma survivors and in particular childhood complex trauma survivors.

I asked my Facebook community, what were their biggest self care issues, these were some of their responses, which express the obvious self care needs and the not so obvious self care needs, complex trauma survivors struggle with.. Continue reading


11 Ways Child Abuse Survivors Emotionally Self Harm ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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There is a fairly good understanding in society about physical self harm – such as cutting, burning etc.

But, there isn’t anywhere near as much insight and understanding, as to all the many ways child abuse survivors – emotionally self harm.

The following are ways survivors of child abuse – harm themselves. Often completely unaware they are self harming. It is often not a deliberate act of self harm.

When considering whether a behaviour or thinking is harmful, it is necessary to look at the result of it. Is there something negative occurring, as a result?  If there is, and the survivor keeps repeating it, then this is emotionally self harmful.

I want to make it clear prior to anyone reading this – there is no judgement about any of this. I am simply pointing out what I see are understandable – but unhealthy ways child abuse survivors harm themselves. And only in identifying these, can a survivor choose to change and heal. Continue reading

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Emotional Self Harm & Lack Of Self Care

A post to my page..

~~~ Emotional Self Harm ~~~

Do you find that you know what you ‘should’ do to help with self care and wellbeing…but just feel unable to do it?

I find that I plan and expect too much for my current capacity.

I think part of this, is because I never learned self care and healthy behaviours, plus I used to be highly functioning – so I feel a failure now and also due to feeling continually exhausted.

But….I also know it because I have always had emotional self harm issues, with setting myself up with unrealistic expectations, which subconsciously I know I will fail, and then I hate myself.

This is common with complex trauma survivors, especially those who have been harmed in prolonged abuse by narcissists/psychopaths and those scapegoated by parents.

Emotional self harm, is not obvious like physical self harm e.g. cutting.

But, emotional self harm, can cause just as much harm, is harder to understand and therefore, more difficult to accept we are doing to ourselves. And I believe emotional self harm, is probably as much, if not more prevalent in complex trauma survivors, than physical self harm…..but is rarely talked about – due to not being visible and not understood by many.

I also realise my reasons for doing what is considered healthy – like exercise, were previously not for healthy reasons, it was also a form of self punishment/perfectionism issues (I was a gym junkie) and also because I needed to ‘look’ as perfect as I could, and yet never looked ‘good enough’.
It was never about my health and wellbeing.Now I don’t have my unhealthy reasons to eat well, exercise etc, I have no driving force to do it regularly. Because I clearly don’t care about myself enough to do it regularly for my healthy wellbeing.

Continue reading


The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma – Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism, Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD*

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism

Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD*


This is really hard reading.

I have read about this before, but now I am starting to realize the extent of how the child abuse and child sexual abuse, has affected my entire life, in so many ways.

My emotions, are a kind of relief, to start to understand and have less confusion…..combined with levels of shame I still feel, deep sadness that I have been harmed in such profound ways, and anger towards those who caused all this.

And anger to those who made choices to take advantage of my vulnerable state, to hurt and harm me more, as despite anything I did and my psychological reasons for this…..

This still did not give anyone the right to abuse me, it does not justify what they did, or lesson the severity of the abuse they caused, or make their lies/denying etc, acceptable. It still in no way minimizes their intentions to harm me, or the harm they caused – which was about their issues, not mine. I was such easy prey and they took advantage of this, completely.

Self Flagellation…..there are many ways to self harm., hurt oneself….but this is not what God wants.


This just came to me….thank you Jesus ❤

Self harm….something many participate in and have many reasons for this. All shame based.

It’s interesting and sad how wrong so many church people can get what God wants, and how much He loves us.

He doesn’t want anyone to hurt themselves. And certainly not to prove our love for Him. God is pure, perfect love. This does not require us hurting ourselves, for Him. Yes, be uncomfortable, act with courage, spiritual integrity, wisdom….but not get really hurt in the process, harming healing and wellbeing. I do know God does not want or expect that at all.

Self harm, is not only the religious practices some participate in. There are many, emotional, spiritual, psychological forms of self harm, and I have several. I had even more in the past. And it is weird that I still crave some of the ones I no longer participate in.

I know my deep desire to do what is needed for God….can put me into the non healthy boundary area, of thinking it is okay if I get hurt, to do what is right for God.

But, I do need to question myself about this. This cannot become an excuse, to harm myself. That will be an idol – my need to self harm, not at all what God wants. And I do not want to be worshipping my need to self harm. Because, I know what God wants, is absolutely perfect for what we need. Continue reading

I guessed Robin Williams was abused as a child.

I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.

This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.

Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department.[17] Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School),[18] both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny.[19] When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963,[18] his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School.[20] He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team.[21] In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.[22] He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.[22] Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.[22]

Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.” Continue reading

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Flashbacks to suicidal times, in my teens?

During my teens, between the age of 13-20, I was suicidal, and tried to end my life at least twice that I remember, and I really wanted to die. The pain of abuse, was overwhelming and my capacity to cope and think about the value of my life, was that of a teenager.

I know teenagers become more suicidal, due to the immaturity of their brains and minds, that are unable to process pain and abuse, as an adult can. Which is why there are so many deaths of teenagers, due to bullying and suicide.

Particularly during the captivity abuse in my late teens, I suffered suicide ideation, as the abuse was so severe.

From the age of 20-40, I was not suicidal, and didn’t suffer suicide ideation. Despite times of abuse occurring, in my 1st marriage, being attacked in the park at knife point and the continuing abuse from my family. And I had PTSD all along, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, avoiding, suppressing.

Once my ‘breakdown’ occurred, which was worsened by abuse from a pastor and church, my suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts came back. Along with all the PTSD symptoms increasing dramatically, being unable to function highly and being unable to work etc. Plus all Complex PTSD symptoms of emotion regulation etc.

Now, I absolutely know, the Baptist church abuse crap, and in fact all of the abuse I have endured, is not worth me ending my life. As my doctor stated yesterday in an email, I am worth so much more than that. Continue reading

Beautiful song – Don’t Bring Me Down ~ Sia


Don’t Bring Me Down ~ Sia

Faint light of dawn
I’m listening to you
Breathing in and breathing out
Needing nothing

You’re honey dipped
You are beautiful
Floating clouds, soft world
I can’t feel my lips

I’m going down
I don’t want to change
I’m going down
Going down the drain

Don’t bring me down
I beg you
Don’t bring me down
I won’t let you
Don’t bring me down Continue reading

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I know when my husband starts worrying about me, things are not good.

My husband can be a pretty good gauge of where I am at.

He knows I have had a really horrible week and all my PTSD, anxiety and complex trauma symptoms are increased.

Nightmares, anxiety is massive, hives frequently while at home, I’ve picked my lips so much they are bleeding regularly, not eating all day, zoning out occurring more again and I just want to listen to music constantly to escape my thoughts. And I know the depression is worsening, because dark thoughts of harming myself are occurring and because I am having to force myself to write, when usually I want to.

My husband said he can tell I’m not okay and my doctor/counsellor is away.

I know why this is happening, I’ve already blogged about it and I know the deep emotional consequences of so much that has occurred within the last few years, now culminating in the worst possible outcome, and at the worst possible time.

And how it’s all a massively re-traumatising reflection of my whole sad, messed up, deeply painful, deeply lonely, horrible life.

I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore.