Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When You Realise Your Husband Completely De-humanised You – For 16 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.

My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.

I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.

Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about.  And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.

My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.

Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.

I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.

He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.

He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.

He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.

He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.

And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.

There is no evidence of any love, at all.

And plenty of evidence of abuse.

And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.

He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.

I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.

And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more. Continue reading


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My husband is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

 

 

In my last counselling session, my counsellor explained how I have systematically faced all the trauma, and processed all the truth and heinous nature of it all. She explained, processing about my abusive husband, is the last piece of that journey.

My husband is a pathological and compulsive liar, has a fake persona, is completely delusional as to what kind of person he is, is selfish to the core and does not love anyone. He is also callous and lacks any moral virtue.

I described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be a far better person than he actually is. He pretends to be a nice person (sheep), when in fact, he preys on people to manipulative and use for his very shallow, narcissistic needs (wolf). My counsellor stated this was an accurate description of who he is. And she has insight into him, as she has done several counselling sessions with him.

My counsellor stated, he doesn’t know how to love. He is so consumed within his own narcissistic self, that he does not love. He uses. And abuses. His own needs are all he thinks about.

The wolf in sheep’s clothing, is also appropriate, because he has a cruel streak, which I have always hated about him. He likes to see people hurt, embarrass themselves. Even children. I’ve seen him laugh at his niece, when she fell and hurt her leg and was then limping. His siblings are the same. They are a very narcissistic family.

This week, I overheard a telephone conversation, where he was getting a work colleague into a lot of trouble. He claims she did something wrong, and it could have had implications on him. So, he reported her to the boss. And during this conversation – he was revelling in it. I could hear it in his tone. Interestingly – he had a lot of verbal confidence during this conversation with his boss. He spoke clearly and well. He had a lot of words about this colleague and what she had done.

Yet, whenever I speak to him about all the terrible things ‘he’ has done – he is mute. Completely emotionless. Like a mute, dumb, heartless, empty non human. He has no words to express remorse. No emotions. Absolutely nothing. He feels nothing about any harm he causes others.

The levels of hypocrisy in him feeling so entitled to point at other people’s wrongdoing  ……. whilst also conveniently ignoring all his own wrongdoing – is disgusting. Yet, he is absolutely okay with it.

He has a very entitled attitude. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. And no-one should question him, or try to make him accountable. He feels no remorse, and therefore no desire or need to put anything right. He feels no need to apologise. He feels nothing. For his own disgusting, manipulative, devious, selfish, abusive behaviours.

I regret every single day I have been with him. I regret letting him anywhere near me. I regret having children with him. But, I also know I was manipulated, by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I believed the nice/fake persona he exploited people with. I only now know – the full extent of his personality disordered, character disordered self.

And it sickens me.

It explains all the thousands of lies, all the manipulation, all the deviousness, all the projection, the gas-lighting, the tantrums when he is challenged about his wrong doing. It explains all the affairs, having an affair with his own uncle’s wife, him never considering or thinking about my heinous abuse history. It explains his obsession with sex and lack of self control, impulse control over anything sex related. It validates what I have known for a long time, that sex was his main motivation for exploiting me.

It explains how he can so callously exploit, harm, use and abuse a woman who has already been so deeply harmed and as suffered as much as I have.

And the callous, heartless, empty, soul-less person he is, has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done to me. And because he feels nothing about the things he has done that harm others, he could so easily form a fantasy, delusional belief system of who he is. He had lied to himself for decades, that he is a good person. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, which he conveniently ignores, forgets about and then that part of him, in his twisted mind, does not exist. Continue reading


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A system geared to protecting child sex offenders, and not to protecting children

I read this today – a man who has been charged with 79 counts of child sexual abuse, including rape, assault and making child exploitation material.

http://mypolice.qld.gov.au/blog/2017/01/19/geebung-man-charged-79-offences-rape-making-child-exploitation-material/

These are just the offences the police were able to have enough evidence of, to make arrests. There will far more offences.

This man deserves to be in prison for the rest of his life.

He won’t receive that sentence. He will likely do little prison time, and be made to complete one of the ‘sex offender’ program, that have very poor success rates – in rehabilitating paedophiles.

The legal system is geared towards protecting paedophiles and their ‘human rights’.

The system fails to protect children, from this most heinous abuse.

Paedophiles often get a slap on the wrist as a legal consequence of what they do. And they are let back out into the community – knowing they will re-offend.

Paedophiles rights, are clearly the priority.

To me, they lost any rights, the second they made a choice to sexually abuse a child.

They lost their rights to freedom, the second they caused heinous life long harm – to innocent children.

They lost all rights, the second they stole a child’s innocence from them.

But, the system, the do-gooders, the enablers…. don’t see it that way.

Because the rights of adults, are always considered of far greater importance, than the rights of children.

This is clear within the system dealing with child sex offenders, and is even very evident when considering the rights adults have to hit their children – which is physical abuse.

Animals have more rights, than children.

And no-where is this more deplorable, than in the way children are failed by the legal system dealing with child sex offenders. Continue reading


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Received a copy of Shahida Arabi’s best selling book, that features some of my work :)

Shahia Arabi is the best selling author of books about recovering from toxic abuse caused by abusers – such as narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths.

Shahida kindly asked me if I wanted to contribute to her second book and also requested to add another article of mine. I am deeply thankful to Shahida to include the articles and links to my sites and social media. (My articles are on pages 193-197).

I am also so touched of her dedication at the beginning of the book. It has been and continues to be an honour to support Shahida and others, in their journeys to healing and in reaching out to others.

This is Shahida’s best selling book –

which I have recommended on my Website.

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This is the lovely dedication

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I consider Shahida a friend, even though we have not met. I love her compassion, her drive and her desire to reach out, help and educate others, and give survivors of toxic abuse – the hope needed through the healing journey.

I highly recommend this book – it has everything in it anyone could want to know – including a lot of advice about healing. Continue reading


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I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Yet to many – I am not ‘good enough’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Child sexual abuse is an invisible wound.
It doesn’t leave outer scars.
When I was enduring child sexual abuse, no-one would have known just by looking at me.
There were no bruises, no scars.
But the wounds and pain I felt on the inside, were beyond description.
They still are.
.
The nightmares I still have, about this most heinous abuse, is something no-one will understand – unless they too have endured similar.
The terror.
The dissociation to cope.
The fear.
Never being safe – from disgusting hands upon me.
No-one to go to.
No one is safe.
.
As a child I did not understand what was happening to me, in the same way an adult will understand being sexually abused.
But, I still knew it was terribly wrong.
And I couldn’t try to stop it.
So I froze and it happened over and over and over.
.
It made me hate myself.
The shame.
Feeling damaged.
Dirty.
Used.
Defective.
The fear still related to sexual intimacy, that has plagued my entire life.
Death has been my only way to achieve peace.
Because, I have none.
I don’t know what peace is.
.
And in some ways, it is now even worse.
Because, I now know – the full heinous, disgusting, vileness of it all and how badly it has impacted my life.
And most people don’t care.
.
“Get over it” they say.
“Move on, stop dwelling” they demand.
“Stop acting like a victim” they sneer.
“Haven’t you forgiven those paedophiles yet?”- they shame me with.
.
I would do anything to ‘get over it’ and have these horrific and disgusting flashbacks, body memories, nightmares and intrusive memories out of my head.

Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD

– don’t let you forget.

No matter how much

you desperately want to.

.
Decades I have been dealing with this.
Since I ever remember, I have been dealing with severe and horrific trauma and abuse.

Continue reading


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Religiosity, spiritual abuse, cult-like abuse – can cause PTSD & Complex PTSD ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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It should also be noted – right wing, fundamentalist churches – are a perfect place for narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths to hide out and be welcomed. And this is why there will always be a number of them in every church where abuse is condoned.

These churches are more cult-like – than church-like and they specialise in oppressing victims of abuse and encouraging, protecting and worshipping abusers.

And this is across all denominations and is far more common within all denominations, than is generally known. But more common within right wing, fundamentalist, conservative churches.  It is not just the Catholic Church.

Any church where they encourage hitting children – is abusive.

Any church that suggests the victim was in some way to blame – is abusive.

Any church where they do not hold abusers fully accountable for their actions – is abusive.

Any church where they keep abusers in ministry – is abusive.

Any church where women are oppressed, not allowed to preach, not allowed to work etc – is abusive.

Any church where LGBTIQ people are not welcome – or told this is ‘sinful’ – is abusive. Continue reading