Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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The Day I Realised My Counsellor Is No Better Than My Heinous Mother

My mother was complicit in the sexual abuse I endured throughout the first 20 years of my life. She knew it was happening. She did nothing to stop it. She encouraged me to be nice to the paedophile and psychopath.

To cut a long story short – a few years ago I tried to talk to my counsellor about my husband manipulating me into sex I did not want. I told her he bought alcohol to coerce me. During this conversation – my counsellor offered no support. She didn’t explain to me this was sexual abuse. She said nothing and did nothing. And she never raised it again.

Since this conversation – she has repeatedly encouraged me to be nice to my (sociopath rapist) husband. She’s insinuated that if I don’t feel sorry for him and be nice to him – I’m the problem.

Over the last few months – after reading about sexual coercion – I came to realise myself – I had been sexually abused for over a decade by my husband. I read how if a woman does not want sex and the partner coerces her via alcohol, emotional manipulation, making the woman feel like she owes her husband sex, and basically abusing her into sex – when she clearly does not want it – this is sexual coercion and is sexual abuse.

I told my counsellor what I had learned. She admitted she knew all this. She agreed my husband had in fact been raping me. She has even admitted my husband has very high level traits of sociopathy and narcissism.

However, when I asked her what she thought of a man who could sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor – and cause her physical pain in the process and still continue on enjoying himself – she described this as him being ‘self focussed’. That’s it. Self focussed. Not a bastard, or a rapist, or evil or anything appropriate for such a heinous human being choosing to heinously abuse his wife knowing the decades of abuse she’s been though. Nope. She likes to minimize and trivialise rape – to nothing more than being ‘self focussed’. I’ve already had a it confirmed that this is a very concerning deficit of empathy and far removed from reality.

This has broken me completely.

I cannot even describe how painful this is.

I can’t put into words just how deep this betrayal is.

I told her at my last appointment – I may have had this fantasy of her being my mother in the past – because I have wrongly believed she cared about me. But, I’m so glad she’s not my mother.

I already had one mother who knew I was being sexually abused and allowed it to happen, did nothing to help me and encouraged me to be nice to my rapist abusers. I don’t need another mother doing the same.

She sat there – defensive and cold as ice. No compassion. No empathy. No willingness to admit she’s wrong. No understanding at all of the harm she’s caused.

She also stuck the knife in a bit more – by responding to me saying my husband should be in prison – by telling me I’m wrong – as sociopaths and rapists shouldn’t go to prison – because it doesn’t change them. She couldn’t even let me just have the opinion that rapists should go to prison. So according to her – evil people should just be allowed to be free, carry on harming people, raping people. Even after agreeing with me that evil is people who deliberately cause harm and enjoy it and have no conscience or remorse. She admits that’s evil. She admits that’s what my husband is. But she doesn’t believe they should have any consequences.

After all – what they do is no big deal. They are merely being ‘self focussed’. Evil is nothing more than being self focussed.

And she completely refused to allow me to say she’s wrong, or how much she has hurt me in doing this.

This is why she has tried to get me not to go to the police about my husband. Not to get a DVO. She doesn’t believe rapists and abusers should have consequences.

I spend 6 years talking to this woman about everything in my life. All the heinous abuse. All the pain. All the suffering.

This was a woman I supposed to be able to trust. A woman who should allow me to deal with all my emotions and feelings about those who have heinously abused me.

This is why she has always minimized and trivialised abuse and abusers.

Oh and just to twist that knife a little more – apparently because I ‘allowed’ abusers to abuse me for so long – it’s my own fault too.

Because of ‘my past’ where I was groomed by my own mother into being abused, and having been abused my whole life and not knowing anything better – it’s my own fault my sociopath rapist husband was abusing me for 18 years.  Continue reading

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No Idea What A Healthy Intimate Relationship Feels Like…. And Probably Never Will

Something I have realised, is I have no idea what a healthy relationship with a man looks like, or feels like.

Sad. But, true.

My intimate relationships have all been with abusive men.

I don’t know anything else.

My mother made sure I was truly fucked up by men since being a little child.

My first sexual ‘experience’ (I remember) was a paedophile and hard core porn at around 9 years old.

After that – it was abuse, abuse, abuse.

So sad.

And all the self harm that goes with this – emotionally. sexually, physically is beyond painful.

And I know if I am enduring this – there will be more like me.  Continue reading


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Now An ‘Official The Mighty Contributor’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My article was accepted, published and I was asked to be an ‘Official The Mighty Contributor”.

Which is great and I am so thankful for – as this raises more awareness about Complex Trauma, Complex PTSD, PTSD, abuse and child abuse.

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

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30 Helpful Things To Say To Someone With Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Often people don’t know what to say to someone with Complex PTSD. As a result some say things that are harmful, invalidating and hurtful. Often unintentionally. Some avoid us, either because they don’t know what to say, or because they don’t want to deal with our pain. Some suggest we should be over this, or shame us for talking about past trauma. That increases the isolation and shame survivors often feel.

I could write an entire article on the things people have said to me, that were completely inappropriate and very hurtful. Being someone who suffers suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts, I am aware of the life threatening result of being victim shamed, invalidated and being further traumatised by other people.

So, this article is a list of things survivors of complex trauma, who have Complex PTSD, feel are helpful. It is my hope this leads to more productive and helpful interactions and support.

I asked my online Facebook community, and these were some of their responses. Continue reading


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It’s Rape – If There’s Sexual Coercion ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

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I am processing this information and it is devastating to realise – I have been subjected to this throughout my adult life.

And to know…….. this was never love. But sexual abuse. And rape.

There is also emotional and psychological abuse occurring when a victim being manipulated and coerced and the consent is not being freely given as a result.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Articles….


..

https://www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained


From this article…. which was significant to me being a childhood sexual abuse survivor…

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Growing up as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I didn’t understand what was considered consent and not consent in sexual relationships. Although I felt uncomfortable being pressured to do something I didn’t want to, I didn’t understand the best way to say no. I am a freezer. That means when I get scared, I freeze. So likely when I feel uncomfortable with something, my whole body will get rigid, my eyes will get big, and I will become mute. When I learned more about consent by working at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I soon realized that nearly all my relationships involved sexual coercion. Continue reading