Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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My husband is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

 

 

In my last counselling session, my counsellor explained how I have systematically faced all the trauma, and processed all the truth and heinous nature of it all. She explained, processing about my abusive husband, is the last piece of that journey.

My husband is a pathological and compulsive liar, has a fake persona, is completely delusional as to what kind of person he is, is selfish to the core and does not love anyone. He is also callous and lacks any moral virtue.

I described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be a far better person than he actually is. He pretends to be a nice person (sheep), when in fact, he preys on people to manipulative and use for his very shallow, narcissistic needs (wolf). My counsellor stated this was an accurate description of who he is. And she has insight into him, as she has done several counselling sessions with him.

My counsellor stated, he doesn’t know how to love. He is so consumed within his own narcissistic self, that he does not love. He uses. And abuses. His own needs are all he thinks about.

The wolf in sheep’s clothing, is also appropriate, because he has a cruel streak, which I have always hated about him. He likes to see people hurt, embarrass themselves. Even children. I’ve seen him laugh at his niece, when she fell and hurt her leg and was then limping. His siblings are the same. They are a very narcissistic family.

This week, I overheard a telephone conversation, where he was getting a work colleague into a lot of trouble. He claims she did something wrong, and it could have had implications on him. So, he reported her to the boss. And during this conversation – he was revelling in it. I could hear it in his tone. Interestingly – he had a lot of verbal confidence during this conversation with his boss. He spoke clearly and well. He had a lot of words about this colleague and what she had done.

Yet, whenever I speak to him about all the terrible things ‘he’ has done – he is mute. Completely emotionless. Like a mute, dumb, heartless, empty non human. He has no words to express remorse. No emotions. Absolutely nothing. He feels nothing about any harm he causes others.

The levels of hypocrisy in him feeling so entitled to point at other people’s wrongdoing  ……. whilst also conveniently ignoring all his own wrongdoing – is disgusting. Yet, he is absolutely okay with it.

He has a very entitled attitude. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. And no-one should question him, or try to make him accountable. He feels no remorse, and therefore no desire or need to put anything right. He feels no need to apologise. He feels nothing. For his own disgusting, manipulative, devious, selfish, abusive behaviours.

I regret every single day I have been with him. I regret letting him anywhere near me. I regret having children with him. But, I also know I was manipulated, by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I believed the nice/fake persona he exploited people with. I only now know – the full extent of his personality disordered, character disordered self.

And it sickens me.

It explains all the thousands of lies, all the manipulation, all the deviousness, all the projection, the gas-lighting, the tantrums when he is challenged about his wrong doing. It explains all the affairs, having an affair with his own uncle’s wife, him never considering or thinking about my heinous abuse history. It explains his obsession with sex and lack of self control, impulse control over anything sex related. It validates what I have known for a long time, that sex was his main motivation for exploiting me.

It explains how he can so callously exploit, harm, use and abuse a woman who has already been so deeply harmed and as suffered as much as I have.

And the callous, heartless, empty, soul-less person he is, has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done to me. And because he feels nothing about the things he has done that harm others, he could so easily form a fantasy, delusional belief system of who he is. He had lied to himself for decades, that he is a good person. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, which he conveniently ignores, forgets about and then that part of him, in his twisted mind, does not exist. Continue reading


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A system geared to protecting child sex offenders, and not to protecting children

I read this today – a man who has been charged with 79 counts of child sexual abuse, including rape, assault and making child exploitation material.

http://mypolice.qld.gov.au/blog/2017/01/19/geebung-man-charged-79-offences-rape-making-child-exploitation-material/

These are just the offences the police were able to have enough evidence of, to make arrests. There will far more offences.

This man deserves to be in prison for the rest of his life.

He won’t receive that sentence. He will likely do little prison time, and be made to complete one of the ‘sex offender’ program, that have very poor success rates – in rehabilitating paedophiles.

The legal system is geared towards protecting paedophiles and their ‘human rights’.

The system fails to protect children, from this most heinous abuse.

Paedophiles often get a slap on the wrist as a legal consequence of what they do. And they are let back out into the community – knowing they will re-offend.

Paedophiles rights, are clearly the priority.

To me, they lost any rights, the second they made a choice to sexually abuse a child.

They lost their rights to freedom, the second they caused heinous life long harm – to innocent children.

They lost all rights, the second they stole a child’s innocence from them.

But, the system, the do-gooders, the enablers…. don’t see it that way.

Because the rights of adults, are always considered of far greater importance, than the rights of children.

This is clear within the system dealing with child sex offenders, and is even very evident when considering the rights adults have to hit their children – which is physical abuse.

Animals have more rights, than children.

And no-where is this more deplorable, than in the way children are failed by the legal system dealing with child sex offenders. Continue reading


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Received a copy of Shahida Arabi’s best selling book, that features some of my work :)

Shahia Arabi is the best selling author of books about recovering from toxic abuse caused by abusers – such as narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths.

Shahida kindly asked me if I wanted to contribute to her second book and also requested to add another article of mine. I am deeply thankful to Shahida to include the articles and links to my sites and social media. (My articles are on pages 193-197).

I am also so touched of her dedication at the beginning of the book. It has been and continues to be an honour to support Shahida and others, in their journeys to healing and in reaching out to others.

This is Shahida’s best selling book –

which I have recommended on my Website.

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This is the lovely dedication

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I consider Shahida a friend, even though we have not met. I love her compassion, her drive and her desire to reach out, help and educate others, and give survivors of toxic abuse – the hope needed through the healing journey.

I highly recommend this book – it has everything in it anyone could want to know – including a lot of advice about healing. Continue reading


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I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Yet to many – I am not ‘good enough’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

woman-looking-away
Child sexual abuse is an invisible wound.
It doesn’t leave outer scars.
When I was enduring child sexual abuse, no-one would have known just by looking at me.
There were no bruises, no scars.
But the wounds and pain I felt on the inside, were beyond description.
They still are.
.
The nightmares I still have, about this most heinous abuse, is something no-one will understand – unless they too have endured similar.
The terror.
The dissociation to cope.
The fear.
Never being safe – from disgusting hands upon me.
No-one to go to.
No one is safe.
.
As a child I did not understand what was happening to me, in the same way an adult will understand being sexually abused.
But, I still knew it was terribly wrong.
And I couldn’t try to stop it.
So I froze and it happened over and over and over.
.
It made me hate myself.
The shame.
Feeling damaged.
Dirty.
Used.
Defective.
The fear still related to sexual intimacy, that has plagued my entire life.
Death has been my only way to achieve peace.
Because, I have none.
I don’t know what peace is.
.
And in some ways, it is now even worse.
Because, I now know – the full heinous, disgusting, vileness of it all and how badly it has impacted my life.
And most people don’t care.
.
“Get over it” they say.
“Move on, stop dwelling” they demand.
“Stop acting like a victim” they sneer.
“Haven’t you forgiven those paedophiles yet?”- they shame me with.
.
I would do anything to ‘get over it’ and have these horrific and disgusting flashbacks, body memories, nightmares and intrusive memories out of my head.

Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD

– don’t let you forget.

No matter how much

you desperately want to.

.
Decades I have been dealing with this.
Since I ever remember, I have been dealing with severe and horrific trauma and abuse.

Continue reading


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Religiosity, spiritual abuse, cult-like abuse – can cause PTSD & Complex PTSD ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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It should also be noted – right wing, fundamentalist churches – are a perfect place for narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths to hide out and be welcomed. And this is why there will always be a number of them in every church where abuse is condoned.

These churches are more cult-like – than church-like and they specialise in oppressing victims of abuse and encouraging, protecting and worshipping abusers.

And this is across all denominations and is far more common within all denominations, than is generally known. But more common within right wing, fundamentalist, conservative churches.  It is not just the Catholic Church.

Any church where they encourage hitting children – is abusive.

Any church that suggests the victim was in some way to blame – is abusive.

Any church where they do not hold abusers fully accountable for their actions – is abusive.

Any church where they keep abusers in ministry – is abusive.

Any church where women are oppressed, not allowed to preach, not allowed to work etc – is abusive.

Any church where LGBTIQ people are not welcome – or told this is ‘sinful’ – is abusive. Continue reading


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Shame, is only needed to felt by the abuser, not the victim ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Shame gets a bad rap – especially from non insightful mental health professionals.

Shame is a needed emotion – that perpetrators of intentional abuse, do need to feel, in a health dose, that means they have the necessary remorse and willingness to change.

The reason most abusers never change…. is because they don’t feel shame, or remorse. Continue reading


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Not All Wounds Heal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

There are some wounds that may never heal and I am at peace with this now.

The child sexual abuse I endured as a child, was the worst abuse I endured – as in the life long, deep, core wounds impact. Especially knowing my own mother was complicit in it. That has created deep wounds I will never recover from.

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Abuse survivors, are often made to feel like all wounds ‘have’ to be healed. But, I don’t believe that.

Some people will heal all wounds, and some won’t. That’s the reality. And there is no shame in that, no matter what others say.

But, I am determined that despite the wounds that aren’t healing and likely won’t…. I am still creating a life for myself, that has joy, love, fun, purpose and meaning.

I liken this to someone who loses limbs. Their life is never the same and there are some things they will never be capable of…. but their life can still be a good life, with many areas of their life being wonderful.

I deal with reality and the reality is – for some people not all wounds will heal. And demanding all abuse survivors heal all wounds, simply shames some – that won’t achieve that unreasonable expectation.

More insights, I have come to realise, on my own journey.

And if anyone wants to suggest that is ‘not good enough’ – they can take a hike!

Because I don’t let anyone shame me.

Not anymore.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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