How My Ex Used Gaslighting To Sexually Abuse Me For Over 10 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse – where the perpetrator is twisting the reality of the victim’s situation, to cause them confusion, make them doubt themselves, doubt their perception of what is occurring, make them feel like they are going crazy, wear them down and continue to abuse them.

Gaslighting is very common with psychological abusers. My ex is a psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuser. He’s also highly narcissistic and sociopathic.

For a large proportion of our marriage, he sexually abused me. He bullied, harassed, coerced and abused me into unwanted sex. It was very clear to him that I did not want to have sex with him, because he frequently complained and got angry about the lack of sex. He created a terrible situation where my life was made far worse, if I did not give in to his demands. If I stopped him, pushed him off during the sexual assault, he would get very angry. He was relentless. Callous.

He abused me from day one, with continual lies, acting like he cared, manipulation and toxic selfishness. This chronic abuse, resulting in me no longer wanting any sexual contact with him. Which I had every right to not want. No-one is obligated to provide sex, and especially not when they are being abused. And no-one is owed sex, particularly when they are relentlessly abusing that person.

During this sexual abuse, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem. How dare I not want sex with him! How dare I refuse him! What a terrible person ‘I’ was. He even acted like he was ‘the victim’, in me not giving him what he wanted. His attitude was that he was given all this great sex at the beginning of our relationship (which was only due to all his lies) and then I ‘took that sex away from him’. So it was all my fault – in his twisted warped mind. He refused to consider his terrible actions and abusive choices had brought on this need in me to keep him away from my body. He never considered that was my right. He never considered he was responsible. He never took accountability. He never considered the coercion and bullying to be wrong. All of these being common traits and behaviours of narcissism and sociopathy.

What was even worse, was he referred to the sexual abuse he coerced me into, that caused me physical and emotional pain and disgust – as ‘making love’. He considers coercing a child sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex, manipulating me, plying me with alcohol, bullying me, harassing me relentlessly into rape – as ‘making love’.

It wasn’t making love at all. It was vile heinous abuse. Just because he enjoyed raping me, somehow in his perverted mind – still classified as a form of love. Or at least that’s what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to know ‘he’ was enjoying it.

Sick.

And a lot of sex abusers that abuse in relationships, believe the sexual assaults and rape – are ‘love’. Paedophiles also often choose to believe this about the sexual abuse to children.

The mind of a sex offender is a vile, dark place.

Calling rape/sexual abuse ‘making love’ – was gaslighting the ongoing abuse, into something completely different to what the reality actually was.

Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

So Thankful To The Ex Wife Of My Sociopath Husband, For Her Compassion & Honesty

Several months ago, whilst going through the trauma of unravelling the truth about my 18 year marriage – I realise my sociopath husband had told a whole pack of lies about his ex wife. He portrayed himself as the victim – as he is now with me. He portrayed this image of being this really great guy – with a crazy, selfish, lazy wife. I fell for it. He’s a very convincing liar. I was also the perfect victim for him to move on to. I am empathic, caring, easily manipulated. I believed his lies. The lies he told directly, the half truths, all the times he let me assume wrongly about his ex wife. He is an expert at lying and letting people believe lies.

So, being the person I am, when I realised he had lied and that his ex wife is probably a lovely person and like me, I wrote to her. I told her everything and that I believed all his lies and that she should know – I do now realise all the abuse she was also going through. I didn’t know how she would react. She responded with compassion. We had many conversations – where the truth was revealed.

I realised his lack of emotion about not seeing his daughter, was due to him just not caring. His daughter was out of sight, out of mind. He had a new victim to play with. Me. He discarded his ex wife and daughter in such a bizarre and toxic way, and he never shed a single tear. I assumed when he didn’t care about pursuing contact with his daughter in the first few years following their separation, was just him giving in to his ‘horrible ex wife’. Now I realise he didn’t care about seeing his daughter. Me pushing him to seek contact and get court orders for contact – was not what he wanted at all.

I told his ex that it was me that pushed all the contact legal action. I told her he never shed a tear over his daughter and she said she already knew that.

I also told her about all the psychological, emotional and sexual abuse to me. And I confirmed that what she endured with his financial abandonment to his daughter, was financial abuse. Plus all the affairs he had within their marriage and no doubt in mine.

We also both realise he never has/had friends and was ignorant and barely speaks around people – because he has no use for most people. He has no concept of actually thinking about others in a way that is needed for friendships. He has no emotional connection with anyone. As sociopaths don’t.

It was helpful or us both to validate each others treatment by this heinous man. We also both agreed that if he loved either of us, or our children – he would have wanted us to have been the healthiest and happiest women and parents. But, instead he destroyed us both. My health is destroyed and she has never worked since their divorce due to health issues created in their marriage.

Now An ‘Official The Mighty Contributor’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My article was accepted, published and I was asked to be an ‘Official The Mighty Contributor”.

Which is great and I am so thankful for – as this raises more awareness about Complex Trauma, Complex PTSD, PTSD, abuse and child abuse.

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

 

30 Helpful Things To Say To Someone With Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Often people don’t know what to say to someone with Complex PTSD. As a result some say things that are harmful, invalidating and hurtful. Often unintentionally. Some avoid us, either because they don’t know what to say, or because they don’t want to deal with our pain. Some suggest we should be over this, or shame us for talking about past trauma. That increases the isolation and shame survivors often feel.

I could write an entire article on the things people have said to me, that were completely inappropriate and very hurtful. Being someone who suffers suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts, I am aware of the life threatening result of being victim shamed, invalidated and being further traumatised by other people.

So, this article is a list of things survivors of complex trauma, who have Complex PTSD, feel are helpful. It is my hope this leads to more productive and helpful interactions and support.

I asked my online Facebook community, and these were some of their responses.

It’s Rape – If There’s Sexual Coercion ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I am processing this information and it is devastating to realise – I have been subjected to this throughout my adult life.

And to know…….. this was never love. But sexual abuse. And rape.

There is also emotional and psychological abuse occurring when a victim being manipulated and coerced and the consent is not being freely given as a result.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Articles….

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https://www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained

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From this article…. which was significant to me being a childhood sexual abuse survivor…

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Growing up as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I didn’t understand what was considered consent and not consent in sexual relationships. Although I felt uncomfortable being pressured to do something I didn’t want to, I didn’t understand the best way to say no. I am a freezer. That means when I get scared, I freeze. So likely when I feel uncomfortable with something, my whole body will get rigid, my eyes will get big, and I will become mute. When I learned more about consent by working at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I soon realized that nearly all my relationships involved sexual coercion.

I can now call my abusers anything I want.

Now I don’t have to care if I say the ‘wrong thing’ in counselling, I am free to call the abuse what it was – evil.

And the abuser – evil.

And a narcissist. Or sociopath. Or psychopath. Or paedophile. Or sex offender. Or whatever else I want to call them.

There is a greater level of freedom, when you don’t feel like you have to please your counsellor, who always minimized and invalidated everything I endured.  And always made me feel like a bad person, for talking about abusers in a ‘bad’ way.

Now I can say anything I want and not risk the patronising tone, the invalidating attitudes, the loaded silences, the obvious displeasure – when I didn’t say what was expected.

I’ve endured major anxiety for 5 years, about supposedly calling them the ‘wrong thing’ – because to her ‘that’ was the priority. Not the decades of abuse. To her the terrible thing, was me labelling them wrongly.

I’m Glad To Have Finally Decided To Create An Ebook – I Can Promote Via All My Platforms ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have deliberated over how to publish my book and I’ve settled on an PDF ebook, I can promote via all my social media, this Blog and my Website.

I considered doing it via Amazon, and I see the advantages of it being promoted on a big audience, but I also see the drawbacks other authors have encountered, of dealing with reviews, dealing with trolls leaving bad reviews, when they haven’t even read the book.

I haven’t got time to deal with that crap. I don’t have the time or the motivation, to deal with negative stuff. And I don’t need my book to become a ‘best seller’ – I just want it to reach the people who need it. I just want to know it made a difference for people. And I could always re-publish it again in the future.

My Website has a lot of traffic and I could pay to have the SEO etc increased.

This Blog – has a of traffic.

And that is all enough for me. I know the book will reach those who need it.

SOOOOO glad I have finally made this decision.