Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Shame Shifting Is Abuse


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Victim shaming & victim blaming are more abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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A post I wrote on my Facebook page today.

There are many things that hinder a complex trauma survivors healing journey.

One is being shamed and/or blamed for the abuse.

Sadly, over the last few weeks I have personally encountered victim blaming/shaming and I have seen it occurring on social media and in a video I watched where a therapist basically stated “adults cannot be victims”. Which is absolutely wrong.

Accepting being abused means we accept we were victimised – and this is a vital part of this journey.

Attaching shame to being a victim – hinders healing and makes many people feel worse. It can even lead to suicide.

Saying ‘don’t be a victim’ is victim shaming. It is suggesting being a victim of abuse is shameful. Yet, no shame is attached to being a victim of any other crime.

The stigma attached to being abused and being a victim is everywhere. I do NOT tolerate this, in any form.

Being blamed or blaming self for being abused – hinders healing.
The 100% responsibility for being abused lies with the perpetrator of the abuse.
It does not matter what the victim is doing, or not doing – it NEVER gives anyone the right or justification for abusing someone. And that applies to children and adult victims of abuse.

Many perpetrators of abuse prey on people who have soft boundaries, are empathic, or are vulnerable. That does NOT in any way imply the victim is at fault for the abuse they endure.

I will repeat – the PERPETRATOR of the abuse – is 100% RESPONSIBLE and accountable for their decisions to abuse someone. And yes, they are decisions and choices to abuse someone. They also had a choice not to abuse someone.

And this applies to all forms of abuse – sexual, physical, emotional mental, psychological, verbal, spiritual.

There are people out there who will victim blame and victim shame. They will shift the shame and responsibility for abuse, onto the victim.
This is abuse.
100% emotional and psychological abuse.
And if perpetrated by a religious person – there can be added religious and spiritual abuse too.

Continue reading


I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Yet to many – I am not ‘good enough’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Child sexual abuse is an invisible wound.
It doesn’t leave outer scars.
When I was enduring child sexual abuse, no-one would have known just by looking at me.
There were no bruises, no scars.
But the wounds and pain I felt on the inside, were beyond description.
They still are.
.
The nightmares I still have, about this most heinous abuse, is something no-one will understand – unless they too have endured similar.
The terror.
The dissociation to cope.
The fear.
Never being safe – from disgusting hands upon me.
No-one to go to.
No one is safe.
.
As a child I did not understand what was happening to me, in the same way an adult will understand being sexually abused.
But, I still knew it was terribly wrong.
And I couldn’t try to stop it.
So I froze and it happened over and over and over.
.
It made me hate myself.
The shame.
Feeling damaged.
Dirty.
Used.
Defective.
The fear still related to sexual intimacy, that has plagued my entire life.
Death has been my only way to achieve peace.
Because, I have none.
I don’t know what peace is.
.
And in some ways, it is now even worse.
Because, I now know – the full heinous, disgusting, vileness of it all and how badly it has impacted my life.
And most people don’t care.
.
“Get over it” they say.
“Move on, stop dwelling” they demand.
“Stop acting like a victim” they sneer.
“Haven’t you forgiven those paedophiles yet?”- they shame me with.
.
I would do anything to ‘get over it’ and have these horrific and disgusting flashbacks, body memories, nightmares and intrusive memories out of my head.

Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD

– don’t let you forget.

No matter how much

you desperately want to.

.
Decades I have been dealing with this.
Since I ever remember, I have been dealing with severe and horrific trauma and abuse.

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Shame, is only needed to felt by the abuser, not the victim ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Shame gets a bad rap – especially from non insightful mental health professionals.

Shame is a needed emotion – that perpetrators of intentional abuse, do need to feel, in a health dose, that means they have the necessary remorse and willingness to change.

The reason most abusers never change…. is because they don’t feel shame, or remorse. Continue reading


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How can people abuse others & have no remorse, shame or guilt? Because they are ‘disturbed characters’ – as per an expert.

To those us of who have a conscience and feel bad about anything even minor we do that has hurt someone….. we wonder….. how can someone be so intentionally abusive, cause so much prolonged harm and suffering, and not feel bad about themselves or feel guilt about their actions???

As per Dr George Simon – an expert in toxic people…. it is because they have a disturbed character and do not have a conscience, and do not feel remorse, shame or guilt.

And despite what many will say…… there is in fact a healthy amount of shame and guilt felt by people with a healthy character, when they have done something wrong that hurts someone.

As I read more articles by Dr George Simon, I am validated in my understanding of toxic people and their lack of conscience. But, with the insight that they do know what they do is wrong, and they make choices to cause harm.

http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/10/10/shame-and-guilt/

This is also explained in the book my Dr Robert Hare (world expert in psychopathy/sociopathy) named ‘Without Conscience’.

https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510

And it’s worth noting, most psychopaths are not serial killers or serial rapists. They are often undetected, living amongst us – unknown to be a ‘disturbed character’ unless you know how to detect them, due to their lack of empathy, conscience, guilt, remorse. And they can fake these – so it takes considerable awareness to detect them. Even Dr Robert Hare admits to being manipulated by them.

My insight – that toxic people will keep causing harm, unless they choose to feel remorse, choose to develop shame and guilt… is also validated in Dr George Simon’s work.

When someone is rewarded by their own toxic behaviours, and they feel no shame, no guilt and no remorse, they will likely continue these toxic, abusive behaviours. Which I have known and seen, all my life. Continue reading


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So over the victim shaming, shame shifting rhetoric, from ‘professionals’

It is becoming increasingly evident to me, of the rhetoric within the mental health profession, of focussing on the how the victim of harmful toxic behaviour ‘should’ think respond, react. And shaming them for reacting with emotions such as anger.

Within the last few weeks, I have faced seeing a book written by a mental health professional stating ‘there are no victims, there are no villains’. ‘There are no angels there are no demons’. (Note ‘there are no angels implies the victim is somehow at fault and minimizing the responsibility of the perpetrator). With no clarification this is only referencing your average families, with average behaviours. No clarification this not at all appropriate for situations where intentional ongoing abuse is occurring.

There are indeed victims and villains, angels and demons and it is incredible toxic to suggest differently.

I’ve also been following a page of a well know marriage guidance mental health profession team – a husband and wife team – with the perfect marriage – telling everyone else how they should act and respond. As per their rhetoric – you ‘should never’ respond to anything from your spouse, with accusations, contempt, anger etc. No matter what they are doing.  You should always remain calm, and not upset the other person. Criticising, contempt, accusations of ‘any’ kind – makes ‘you’ the bad person. Again – no clarification that this only applies to your average, surface, minor marriage issues. So as per this duo, you should never respond to an affair, constant lying, constant disrespect, emotional abuse etc from your partner – with anger, disgust, contempt, criticism etc.

Total bullshit. You have every right to be angry, to criticise toxic behaviour and show contempt and disgust…. for intentional abusive behaviour.

Both of these attitudes perpetuated by these ‘professionals’ are about invalidating, normalising and minimizing abusive behaviour….. and shifting the focus and responsibility away from the perpetrator and shaming the victim for their needed, normal and human appropriate responses.

So, as per these professionals, you are supposed to never accept you are being victimised, remain completely calm, not be angry with the perpetrator, and just remain calm and zen like and not upset the perpetrator, in any way. Or define they as abusers. And if you do – you are the bad person.

See the shame shifting there. I see it clearly. Continue reading