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Shame shifting is abuse. There are no excuses for abuse and when a survivor is shamed by others for stating this – they are being abused again. Shame shifting goes on a lot. And I do not tolerate it. The only person who should feel shame is the abuser. – Lilly Hope Lucario 💜💜💜 . #complextrauma #ComplexPTSD #abuse #childabuse #trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #healing #lillyhopelucario #healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd. . See my bio for the link to my website and there is the link to my award winning blog.
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I’m not doing okay at the moment. A combination of things that matter greatly to me, that I don’t want to write about in detail. But, they are pretty devastating, and beyond my control to sort out.
I’m aware my mothers death is also causing me issues. I’ve dreamt about her several times lately and I think that’s affecting me more than I want to admit.
It’s interesting that so many severe child abuse survivors truly understand what a heinous childhood does to a person, and then how it feels when the abusive parent dies.
The people in my life, have no idea how that feels and they don’t understand, nor do they really care to try. I’m supposed to just get over it. Hey, it’s been a month…. I should be over already…
I didn’t take my children to school today. First time ever, I have not got up and taken them to school. Continue reading
I just had a ‘friend’ tell me I should stop feeling sad and focus on what I have in my life that’s good – like she does.
Shaming attitude right there. And someone who considers themselves ‘better’ in the way they view life.
But, in fact, she is absolutely wrong. Because suppressing normal and needed human emotions – is what’s unhealthy.
And this ‘advice’ is when I only heard my mother died 3 weeks ago.
Yep…. 3 weeks.
Apparently 3 weeks is too long and I should be ‘over it’ by now and should be ‘focussing on the good’ and blah blah blah….
All this shows to me, is this person has zero insight into healthy grieving. Has zero empathy. Has zero capacity to think rationally. Has an entitled attitude to make someone already suffering – suffer some more. As shaming people like to do. Continue reading
I have always assumed my therapist has a ‘no touching clients’ rule. I assumed this, because within the last 5 years I have been seeing her, she has never held my hand, or hugged me. And I know about therapy boundaries, and ethical codes of conduct. So, I know some therapists still choose to hug etc, but some don’t. I assumed the latter, was the case for my counsellor.
This week, however, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I realised she does not have this rule, for all her clients. I saw her hug and kiss a woman on the cheek. I could tell by the conversation, this woman was not a friend, because she hadn’t seen her for a while. And if this woman was a friend, she wouldn’t be at the counselling centre making an appointment.
It shocked me, because this was not something I ever expected to see. And it made me realise, I had assumed she had this ‘no touch’ rule, which made me feel better, about her not hugging me, or holding my hand, like I know other therapists choose to.
Of course, I have been wondering since, why she chooses not to have physical contact with me? What’s wrong with me, that makes me someone she would not touch? Bearing in mind as well, that she was a GP for years prior to becoming a counsellor, so she is very used to touching patients.
Obviously there is something about me, that I don’t realise – makes normal people not want to touch me. And it seems only toxic, abusive people want to touch me.
It is very painful to realise this. I must be repulsive in some way that I don’t understand. I always shower prior to appointments. I wear clean clothes. I’m not repulsive in my appearance. So, I can only assume it is my personality, or my character that is the issue. Or, maybe it’s my past and someone like me, really is damaged goods? And that makes normal people find me physically repulsive? Maybe, Continue reading
A post I wrote on my Facebook page today.
There are many things that hinder a complex trauma survivors healing journey.
One is being shamed and/or blamed for the abuse.
Sadly, over the last few weeks I have personally encountered victim blaming/shaming and I have seen it occurring on social media and in a video I watched where a therapist basically stated “adults cannot be victims”. Which is absolutely wrong.
Accepting being abused means we accept we were victimised – and this is a vital part of this journey.
Attaching shame to being a victim – hinders healing and makes many people feel worse. It can even lead to suicide.
Saying ‘don’t be a victim’ is victim shaming. It is suggesting being a victim of abuse is shameful. Yet, no shame is attached to being a victim of any other crime.
The stigma attached to being abused and being a victim is everywhere. I do NOT tolerate this, in any form.
Being blamed or blaming self for being abused – hinders healing.
The 100% responsibility for being abused lies with the perpetrator of the abuse.
It does not matter what the victim is doing, or not doing – it NEVER gives anyone the right or justification for abusing someone. And that applies to children and adult victims of abuse.
Many perpetrators of abuse prey on people who have soft boundaries, are empathic, or are vulnerable. That does NOT in any way imply the victim is at fault for the abuse they endure.
I will repeat – the PERPETRATOR of the abuse – is 100% RESPONSIBLE and accountable for their decisions to abuse someone. And yes, they are decisions and choices to abuse someone. They also had a choice not to abuse someone.
And this applies to all forms of abuse – sexual, physical, emotional mental, psychological, verbal, spiritual.
There are people out there who will victim blame and victim shame. They will shift the shame and responsibility for abuse, onto the victim.
This is abuse.
100% emotional and psychological abuse.
And if perpetrated by a religious person – there can be added religious and spiritual abuse too.
Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD
– don’t let you forget.
No matter how much
you desperately want to.
Shame gets a bad rap – especially from non insightful mental health professionals.
Shame is a needed emotion – that perpetrators of intentional abuse, do need to feel, in a health dose, that means they have the necessary remorse and willingness to change.
The reason most abusers never change…. is because they don’t feel shame, or remorse. Continue reading
To those us of who have a conscience and feel bad about anything even minor we do that has hurt someone….. we wonder….. how can someone be so intentionally abusive, cause so much prolonged harm and suffering, and not feel bad about themselves or feel guilt about their actions???
As per Dr George Simon – an expert in toxic people…. it is because they have a disturbed character and do not have a conscience, and do not feel remorse, shame or guilt.
And despite what many will say…… there is in fact a healthy amount of shame and guilt felt by people with a healthy character, when they have done something wrong that hurts someone.
As I read more articles by Dr George Simon, I am validated in my understanding of toxic people and their lack of conscience. But, with the insight that they do know what they do is wrong, and they make choices to cause harm.
This is also explained in the book my Dr Robert Hare (world expert in psychopathy/sociopathy) named ‘Without Conscience’.
And it’s worth noting, most psychopaths are not serial killers or serial rapists. They are often undetected, living amongst us – unknown to be a ‘disturbed character’ unless you know how to detect them, due to their lack of empathy, conscience, guilt, remorse. And they can fake these – so it takes considerable awareness to detect them. Even Dr Robert Hare admits to being manipulated by them.
My insight – that toxic people will keep causing harm, unless they choose to feel remorse, choose to develop shame and guilt… is also validated in Dr George Simon’s work.
When someone is rewarded by their own toxic behaviours, and they feel no shame, no guilt and no remorse, they will likely continue these toxic, abusive behaviours. Which I have known and seen, all my life. Continue reading