Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I must remember churches are full of wolves in sheeps clothing & stage 3 immaturity.

My levels of frustration about church people, is due to my understanding that many of them, are not in fact Christians, and many are very immature in the faith journey. And knowing the harm they cause, as a result.

And whilst I have awareness of where they are at…….. I am also aware, they choose not to see anything further, than stage 3 thinking and beliefs.

stages of faith

I’ve been identified, by my first Christian counsellor, as being at stage 5. Those at stage 3, will believe people such as myself, as being ‘backsliders’. Because they refuse to see anything more than what they want to believe.

This spiritual maturity, runs parallel to emotional growth and maturity. I see this with most people, who resent, resist and repel, anything and anyone, they do not personally understand.

And interestingly, many ministers and church leaders, keep the ‘flock’ at stage 3…. because it’s easier to control. They don’t encourage questioning….. they just want mindless sheep.

My frustration, is not so much that they are immature, but for the harm they cause to many, as a result. Which is not okay. People will immaturely state I am judgmental. Which I fully expect, from unwise, emotionally and spiritually immature people.

dogs bible

Plus the very obvious issue – of ‘wolves in sheeps clothing’ and the ‘dogs’ that are attracted to churches, because church people so often fail to deal with such people in an inappropriate manner.

wolves in sheep clothing

But, I will not keep quiet, to placate people, who as a result of their choices, harm others.

That would be placating evil. I don’t do that.

http://www.psychologycharts.com/james-fowler-stages-of-faith.html Continue reading

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens

knowledge speaks

Only those who have the capacity to really listen and hear…. gain wisdom.

This is why the human ego is a pesky critter. It gets in the way of growth, maturity and wisdom.

The human ego is a like a road block. Any many people stop growing emotionally in the childhood and teenage years. They don’t progress along the emotional development, maturity path.

Wisdom is only gained, through Continue reading

I realise I get ‘crazier’ to some people. And it’s a positive.

wisdom and consciousness

I am aware I have always been ‘different’ to your average person, who has experienced a more average life. I’ve been described as ‘different’ in many ways. ‘Kooky’, ‘quirky’, ‘crazy’ etc. And I now I accept I am different. Not better than anyone. But different.

One of the greatest flaws in humanity, is the general incapacity to accept anything that is not personally understood. And the way most people deal with this….. is to reject and dismiss, mock and invalidate….. as per the need many have to remain ignorant, unwise and lacking in insight. And it is a choice.

Many people, also cannot bear to be ‘wrong’. The human perilous ego.

So, I have also accepted I continue to grow in my differences to many. But, this is down to my wider life experiences, my capacity to learn, be wrong, have insight and self honesty. Continue reading

Surround yourself with…

surround yourself


Great advice. I have learned – it is pointless trying to explain your thoughts, to anyone who is committed to not listening. Some people don’t want to learn and grow. Some people don’t want to challenge themselves, or their thoughts. Some people don’t want to hear a different view. Some people chose not to have a path of self insight/self honesty. For a variety of reasons.

So, leave them to it. Their life is their responsibility only. Have needed Continue reading

I need to hear and read more of God. Part of self care too.

I am aware, I need to hear and read more of God. I know I need it, I know I want to grow in God’s wisdom, and I know this is what God wants and I know it is part of my ongoing life of spiritual growth and my lifelong student needs.

So, today, I started reading a book which has been sat collecting dust for months, by an author I really enjoy reading – Carolyn Custis James. Her book ‘When Life and Beliefs Collide’ – was ‘wow’! I enjoyed and learned so much from that book, about women, about dealing with hardship and suffering, about the wrong beliefs of women’s roles within marriage, church, society etc.

So, I bought ‘Lost Women Of The Bible’…….and it has not yet been read.

But, I am reading it. And I have only read 40 pages – and I love it already! She is a smart woman. I like that. Continue reading

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Knowing when it’s time to move on…as it sits well with my soul.

I made a decision, to try hard to move on from all the spiritual and emotional abuse I have endured, from a minister, church and all the people involved. Some of whom, absolutely intentionally abused me, and some unintentionally. But, the fact remains, it doesn’t ‘matter’ whether intentional or not, the hurt, harm and abuse is still painful.

People who think that the

consequences and pain of abuse,

are somehow ‘less’ because they didn’t

‘intend’ to hurt you,

only believe this for their own needs,

to feel less responsible and

feel better about themselves.

The harm and pain of abuse is equal, regardless of intentionality.

And I have every right to have felt intense emotions about all this. To feel hurt, pain, betrayal, abused, abandoned, rejected and deep grieving. I don’t need anyone’s permission, or approval or validation, to my needed and appropriate emotions and reactions. Anyone who thinks differently – again – this is their own self serving needs.

I made a decision, to move on from all this,

because I cannot deal with a

corrupt, abusive religious system,

where no-one involved has the

spiritual courage

to step up with you.

I realised, I cannot do this on my own, and I don’t have to. Many others were brought into it – and they all failed to deal with it. Failed God, failed me, failed future victims. Of course, they will all deny that. It takes courage to be honest and accept failure. Not something most are capable of. They will all be more concerned with reputations, towing the line, protecting the churches reputation, perpetrator protecting, failing to step up and using the excuse they ‘had to stay within the boundaries of their specific roles’. Yeah bullshit, perfect excuse that. Your boundaries of your role are more important than God? Sounds like your boundaries of your role, are your idol. All of these issues, are your idols. They will all remain in denial of that and that is ‘their’ issues. Continue reading

We are all at different levels of conscious awareness. And it’s lonely, when awakened.


“We are all in different levels of conscious awareness.

It is rare to find people willing and capable of exploring their inner world, their subconscious, what drives their behaviours and emotions. Most never analysing if they are cognitively distorted and requiring the needed maturity and wisdom of growth.

Most people are only aware of their superficial conscious thoughts and needs and remain that way, all their lives.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Continue reading


Thinking I need to re-organise my whole life.


I have been through hell this last few years. I have nearly lost my life, been abused, been let down by people I needed to help me, when I could least afford it.

I have processed a huge amount about my past and it has nearly killed me too.

My life has far too much darkness in it, far too much of the darker sides of humanity, I have endured over decades, by way too many people.

I have endured religious abuse repeatedly – still am as people continue lying, denying, minimizing and making me feel more shame.

I know I am absolutely over organised Christianity and all those in it. I am progressed past all that.

I know I am absolutely over abusive religious attitudes about abuse, about abusers, their perpetrator protecting, their spiritual abuse and all their massive issues I see clearly.

I am done being around people who seek to bring me down and don’t want to help/support me.

I am done being around people who put pressure on me to be like them – when I know what they are – is wrong and unhealthy and further abuses, survivors of abuse. Continue reading


Done with Christianity as an organised religion & done with Christian counselling.

So much has happened over the last 2 years related to so called ‘Christians’ that I know has profoundly affected my healing, caused me more abuse and trauma, and I know I need to just separate myself, from it all.

I have seen so many people who claim to be mature Christians, fail so badly and I find it quite bizarre that they all can’t see it.

I’ve seen lies, excuses, corruption, justifications, minimizing, spiritual abuse in the masses, child abuse and well so much more, but I’ve already blogged enough.

I think so many really are mind controlled, into this concept that it is needed to minimize abuse and protect abuse perpetrators. All with their wrong interpretations of grace, compassion etc.

All this has shown me, is how much these people hurt abuse survivors, abuse them further, spiritually abuse them and re-traumatise them and re-victimise them.

And worse, they truly don’t care. They all stick together.

They truly are the perfect examples of narcissist/sociopaths or their apaths. Continue reading