Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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Still waiting for admission to hospital….

Still waiting for admission to hospital for my blood pressure issues, that I know are now classed as chronic and they are potentially life threatening. Especially for someone my age to have these issues, as they are normally only occur in elderly people.

I’m aware the profound levels stress, anxiety and severe ongoing trauma I have endured over the last 46 years – has had a huge affect on my physical health, as well as my emotional/mental health.

Wish these tests were over, but thankful I live somewhere with a public health system. Continue reading

During the holiday season, my posts are encouraging needed self care.

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Christmas and the holiday season, are really hard for many. I understand this fully. Whether it be due to PTSD symptoms increasing, like anxiety, hyper vigilance, depression etc, or due to grieving loss, or family issues increasing…. it’s a time for much needed self care.

I have my husbands parents staying with us for Christmas, and I needed to have a plan for how to cope. This plan includes having some time to myself, and my husband is sorting out all food and cooking. This means the increased anxiety, stress etc of having people staying in my home for 4 weeks, does not increase to a point where I cannot cope.

I’m also not feeling guilty for my self care plan, because most people without PTSD – find having family or anyone staying with them, challenging. So bearing that in mind, I have no guilt at taking care of myself, throughout this time. Which benefits everyone.

So, this shows my increased self care, and capacity to deal with potentially anxiety raising and challenging situations, better.

A year ago, I would not be coping with this as well as I am now, because I was still struggling with self care. So, this is how I understand that some situations, do very much increase anxiety and other symptoms, and are difficult to deal with, as a result. And this very much depends on our individual capacity to implement needed self care.

I now actually do know I need self care, and I do deserve it, and understand there needs to be no guilt, and it benefits everyone. And I don’t have to explain myself to people either. But, it has been a process to get to this point and it is worth the journey. Continue reading


My priorities for the next 7 weeks.

My children start their school holidays in just over a week, and we have the in-laws coming for 3 weeks. They arrive a week today. And it’s Christmas soon.

It’s going to be an anxiety raising, challenging next 7 weeks, and I need to prioritise, so I can cope.

So, I won’t be on my laptop much and will be cutting right down on social media time.

My priorities, are my children, Christmas, and doing what I can to ensure the in-laws have a good time. And our finances.

I need to start being in control of our finances again, as my husband has been managing them for the last 6 months, and made a mess of it. We have more credit card debt and less money in the bank account. So, I need to budget and manage the finances, to get our finances back into a reasonable state, and get the debts down.

So I need to be back in control of Continue reading


It wasn’t worth doing the right thing. Evil prevailed and won.

There’s no getting away from the harsh reality, that doing the right thing, over the last few years, having courage, was a complete waste of time.

All it did was lead to me enduring more trauma and abuse, having to deal with so many lies, corruption, evil. No-one dealt with it any of it appropriately, no-one else stepped up, so evil prevailed.

It wasn’t worth it, all the harm it caused me. That is the harsh reality. Humans cause harm to others, in many ways.

And I have that nagging knowledge that I was so stupid to think anything different would occur.

Why would I ever put my trust in people. Why? It’s like I have the masochistic need to keep proving to myself, again and again, that people can never be trusted.

All the harm, to me, to my healing, was not worth doing the right thing.

Maybe this was the lesson, all along. Don’t bother.


Feeling increasingly depressed over the last few days & PTSD increasing.

A lot of the processing I do, isn’t bringing happiness. It’s the reality of the world I live in, what it is driven by, who it is driven by, and how much abuse, harm, terror, pain and suffering there is the world.

The processing I do about myself, just makes me more and more aware, of how ‘alien’ I am and that is indeed how I feel.

I feel very detached from this world. I feel very alone, in human terms. I’m trying really hard to be okay with that.

But, failing. Continue reading

Nightmare, I can’t remember, but symptoms and hives are there.

Had a nightmare last night, I know because I woke up feeling fear, anxiety and although I can’t remember what it was about, I know my symptoms well enough to know what’s happening.

I have hives all up my arms, and I am sat in my home, my safe place.

My subconscious mind, deep memory and my PTSD knows when something is wrong – even when I can’t consciously know what is happening.

Hard to explain to people, but I know what’s happening.

When I am feeling fear, stress, anxiety and have hives, that is not rational for my current situation – like sat in my home – I know it’s PTSD, memory, trauma related.

It happens quite a lot.

So, I’m just taking it easy, husband is watching a DVD with the kids and I am doing my usual trauma response of freeze/fawn – absorbing myself in music and my laptop, providing info and support to others, distracting myself from the emotions going on within me.

I understand trauma responses and PTSD, well.


What you need to do, to cope & get through the day, I support ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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If you need to stay in bed today and rest.

If you need to listen to music a lot today.

If you need to watch movies today & snuggle on the sofa.

If you want to clean the house.

If you want to read.

If you need to get out and have some fresh air.

If you want to catch up with friends.

If you want to be alone.

If you need to cry.

If you need to smile, laugh.

Whatever you need to do today…..you do it, with no guilt.

No-one else knows what ‘you’ need.

I support your needs to do what you need to do to cope through each day.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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No matter how hard it is, I can stand up to abusive people now. I do. And I will.

Not having a good day at all. But today shows my strength too.

Passive aggressive trolling and harassment from a paedophile, is not what I want to deal with. And he will know that going to an abuse survivors page and commenting on Twitter about anything paedophile or sex offender related, is not okay, not appropriate. He is using his believed ‘rights’ to harass abuse survivors. With no empathy as they don’t. Sick.

Paedophilia is a mental disorder, which means they have sexual attraction to children. Yes I have a mental health disorder – but mine doesn’t create sick thoughts in my head about sexual interest in children. It is completely different.

He ‘claims’ to not act on it. Well of course he will say that. ‘If’ he has acted on it, he’s not likely to say it on a traceable social media account, is he. He certainly knows that contacting abuse survivors will be highly inappropriate, especially ones with PTSD. Was that intended? To cause distress? It’s certainly harassment.

But, despite my considerable distress, flashbacks, memories etc flooding my head, I still did what was needed. I phoned my husband to come home. Good self care. I responded back appropriately to this ‘person’, who doesn’t disclose his name or photo, funnily enough, but hides behind an anon profile. Blocked him and he’s blocked me. Good. I want nothing to do with people who have sexual attraction to children – which is a severe mental impairment of having thoughts and needs that if acted out are criminal and disgusting and are highly abusive to children and cause great harm and suffering and life long consequences and damage people lives. Continue reading