Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Christianity… and suffering being good?

This post is purely for my own journaling, and not meant to reflect anyone’s else’s thoughts. Please do not read anymore, if confusion about God may be upsetting.

I’m definitely having a crisis of faith at the moment. I’m rambling in this post, because this is where my head is at – total confusion, fear, anxiety, stressed, and too many triggers.

I read an article by a Christian who believes we are meant to suffer and that is what God wants. In fact, he went on to say – the more we suffer – the more we are like Christ and therefore, we should rejoice in our suffering and thank God for it. And apparently we will be ‘greater rewarded in heaven’.

I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. It’s really bothering me. Because I’m scared it might be true…..? I’m also scared I will not find adequate answers to all this.

I don’t equate suffering – with love. I don’t equate abuse – with love. And it’s taken me years of really hard work to get to this point.

So why does God allow suffering, when He could stop it all? How does He watch something heinous – like a baby being abused to death, and not intervene? How does He allow paedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers – to keep carrying out their heinous abusive needs and not intervene? Just… you know watches….. and does….. nothing to stop it….?

Why did God create a world, where so much suffering would occur? Why did He create evil? Did He create evil? If He created everything – then He created evil/sin? Why? Why want to do that, knowing it would create suffering? Why knowing people would be starving to death. Children suffering to death.

It makes no sense to me. Not when you are supposed to reconcile that with a loving God.

Suffering and being thankful for it, seems to be a part of many Christian people’s beliefs. And also the reason many walk away from their faith. And I can see why – when it does appear that God allows us to suffer – and at the same time we are to worship Him. For letting us….. suffer? Huh!?

No wonder so many church people are abusive – to women, children, the congregation, LGBTIQ. It seems abuse is okay for many church people. After all it appears God models allowing His children being abused and not intervening. And suffering being good. So therefore, e.g. making our children suffer, is being Godly? Really? No wonder too many church people beat/hit their children and tell them ‘that’s love’. *shudder. No wonder they hate on the LGBTIQ community – that’s what they think God does too.

And you know the church belief many parrot – “if God brings you to it – he’ll bring you through it”. So in other words, whatever you endure, God wants to happen to you. It’s apparently all part of His master plan. That we are not to really understand. But should just accept.

I’m not good at accepting things that are red flags.

I’m not good at accepting things I do not understand.

And allowing abuse to happen – especially to children…. plus not intervening…… and telling abuse survivors they ‘needed’ to be abused and that abuse and suffering is good ………. are really fucking big red flags. That I am not able to ignore.

And I know, some people will say – you look at Jesus and what He modelled. Again – God let Jesus suffer. He allowed it. And we are to model Jesus. And want to be like Him……….. apparently including suffering like Him? And not intervening…?

I was thinking about this (I am every day at the moment) – and as I was scrolling through social media, a post about voluntary euthanasia came up. Now, I know most church people will be against this. They will say ‘God decides when we die, not us’. So again….. Continue reading

Wise Words From Elie Wiesel. R.I.P. Yes, we must take sides.

eli weisel

Elie Wiesel is a man who knows complex trauma, suffering and the evil people can inflict on innocent people.

I love wisdom.

I will not be silent.

I will not make excuses for those who intentionally cause harm and suffering.

I will not be an enabler.

I will not minimize, or invalidate suffering caused by complex trauma. Continue reading


I would rather be a moon.


It’s easy to be the sun, all happy and chirpy and light up people’s lives.

It’s easy to tell everyone they should be all sparkly and happy and shiny and positive.

It’s easy to ignore anything bad or yucky, and focus only on the happy things in life.

It’s easy to focus only on the nice things, the positive things.

It’s easy to be a sun.

I know, I’ve been there.

But, it’s not so easy to choose to be there for people in their dark times.

To have empathy to feel what someone is enduring, when they are in so much pain.

That takes far more effort, far more willingness, to go to those dark places, to see people’s pain, to see suffering.

I praise God for all those who are willing to be the moon, to give a little light, in someone’s dark times. Continue reading

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Mental illness, has become the excuse for everything abhorrent.

The news is sadly full of murders of children by relatives. Sweet, innocent children being murdered by the very people who are meant to care for them.

And mental illness, of course, is the ‘go to’ excuse for it all. Even though, there is no evidence of mental illness in the media coverage. So people are simply ‘assuming’ it is mental illness. And then telling people who are shocked and angry – they are wrong. They assume their assumptions, are the facts. When they are not.

Does anyone stop and wonder that even if there is some form of mental illness, that these heinous acts may still have been committed consciously? That the mental illness, did not in fact render the person incapable of knowing what they are doing?

Nope, it is assumed any mental illness can make you a child murderer and that becomes an excuse for anything. It’s the excuse for murder, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence… etc.

And it is not compassion, to automatically make assumptions as to an excuse for the abhorrent act. That is self serving, to make life seem less ugly than it can be.

All of my abusers, probably had some form of mental illness…. paedophilia, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy etc disorders. But, did that render them incapable of knowing that the abuse was wrong. No. They all knew it was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it, and threatened me into silence. They consciously and deliberately and intentionally harmed me. They made choices and they made decisions to cause suffering. Their mental health, did not render them incapable of resisting being abusive.

So, using mental illness for all acts of suffering caused to another human being, regardless of the type caused, is not wise, or correct. We cannot assume the horrific act – whether it be murder, child sexual abuse, rape etc – was not consciously committed.

But, people love to assume……. and assumptions are rarely correct. And are never wisdom.

Assumptions are often made, to make the abhorrent act committed, seem less terrible. If an excuse can be made, it helps people deal with the situation. But, excuses are not reality. They are lies.

Mental illness, may be the easy excuse/rationalisation to assume, to apply to human beings committing acts so abhorrent, but they are not reality. Continue reading

Waves of grieving for all the suffering of complex trauma, abuse survivors.

I asked my Complex PTSD community what they would look for in a book if they were purchasing one. I value the thoughts of my community. They are the ones enduring this journey with me.

This question led to a lot of responses.

Seeing all the hurt and suffering people are enduring, in so many comments all in one post, was really overwhelming. Seeing all their pain, all collectively in one post and all the differences in their responses, mostly not covered in your average PTSD book, is so terribly sad.

Complex trauma is still a new field and even many in the mental health profession know little about it and have little insight.

There was enough answered in that post, to fill a series of books.

The sadness I feel for others, just hits me sometimes. One of those waves of grieving washing over me, filling me up with sadness and pain knowing what others are enduring.

Suffering is so terribly painful. Continue reading

Why was I not worthy of a decent family, before I was even created?

It is hard not to wonder about this sometimes. It is hard not to look at other people’s lives, and see good enough childhood’s and wonder who I would have become, had I been blessed with the precious gift of a decent childhood, decent parents.

I was born, with a decent level of intelligence, gifts of dance, I am creative, I love humour, I care about people, a decent physical body and I know all the illness I deal with now, is a result of what happened to me, that I did not deserve.

I realise, with the right encouragement, the love and safety of a good home/family, decent parenting….I would be very different to the wreck I am now.

I would have had a very different life, and I know part of healing, is to grieve everything I didn’t have and who I would of become, if I had received all this.

I see successful people – the kind of success I find positive, those who help others, those who have good self esteem and lead happy lives and I grieve not having that. I know many people have ‘good’ memories of their childhood, doing normal family things and didn’t spend their childhood deep in fear, constant anxiety, needing to be an adult in a child’s body…..but instead were allowed to be a child. Continue reading


Abusive people have a distorted views of reality….yes…..but…

I just read this on a poster and now I can’t find it.

It went some thing like…

“Abusive people have a distorted view of reality.

Even if they were given the best toy in the world,

they would still want to break it.

It has nothing to do with you.”

I totally understand this quote and agree with it. Which makes it sound like it is not personal.


Their reasons to abuse..

 Are indeed, nothing to do with us.

But the abuse and the life long consequences, are.

It is their victims, who endure their dark issues,

and the pain and suffering because of it.

It is personal. To us.

Especially, if we loved them.


Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.


I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell. Continue reading


Poem – No Relationship Safe Enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario


Vulnerable and fragile

Unsafe and scared

Residing in emotions

My inner child endures

No-one safe enough

So she stays withdrawn

Fearful of being hurt

All her wounds still raw

Everyone will hurt her

She knows not to trust

Any hint of danger

She runs and hides Continue reading

I guessed Robin Williams was abused as a child.

I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.

This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.

Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department.[17] Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School),[18] both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny.[19] When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963,[18] his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School.[20] He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team.[21] In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.[22] He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.[22] Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.[22]

Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.” Continue reading