Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.

insight

I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell. Continue reading


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Poem – No Relationship Safe Enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

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Vulnerable and fragile

Unsafe and scared

Residing in emotions

My inner child endures

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No-one safe enough

So she stays withdrawn

Fearful of being hurt

All her wounds still raw

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Everyone will hurt her

She knows not to trust

Any hint of danger

She runs and hides Continue reading


I guessed Robin Williams was abused as a child.

I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.

This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.

Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department.[17] Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School),[18] both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny.[19] When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963,[18] his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School.[20] He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team.[21] In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.[22] He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.[22] Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.[22]

Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.” Continue reading


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The psychological, emotional twisting of the knife in the wounds, caused by non belief/doubting victims of abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Not being believed, can sometimes feel even more painful than the abuse itself. And I am not invalidating, or minimizing the affect and consequences of abuse, by making this statement, at all.

What I am doing, is describing how incredibly painful and devastating it is to not be believed.

The abuse itself, is horrific.

The pain of not being believed, of being neglected, the emotional and psychological destruction that non belief by others, after severe abuse, is even more horrific. Because it adds on top of the already massive weight of pain and devastation abuse causes.

They aren’t two separate issues. They are combined.

Non belief, is like having the knife twisted.

The abuse being the knife being stuck in, the non belief being the severe pain of the knife being twisted in the already deeply painful wound. Continue reading


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Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

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To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

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‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart

This pain severe

.

To let go

And lose these dreams

Of the search ending

Fragile, unheard screams

Continue reading


I always form the wrong attachments & when they end, it is devastating.

I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.

I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.

I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.

It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.

Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading


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I am a suicide survivor. Don’t call me selfish, unless you’ve walked my path.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-hurley/theres-nothing-selfish-about-suicide_b_5672519.html

This  ^ is an excellent article on suicide. And why it is not selfish.

I have attempted suicide at least twice. I started feeling suicidal when I was about 12/13, attempted suicide the first time at around 13/14 years old.

My second attempt was at around 18 yrs old and I still have a scar on my wrist, from that.

Both were due to severe prolonged complex trauma/abuse.

I’ve had more abuse in the last 2 years, whilst trying to process and heal. This abuse has severely affected my healing/health. I am in considerable emotional pain, daily. 

I nearly died a few weeks ago – wanting to step out in front of a bus, while feeling dissociated, numb. Continue reading