Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


The psychological, emotional twisting of the knife in the wounds, caused by non belief/doubting victims of abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Not being believed, can sometimes feel even more painful than the abuse itself. And I am not invalidating, or minimizing the affect and consequences of abuse, by making this statement, at all.

What I am doing, is describing how incredibly painful and devastating it is to not be believed.

The abuse itself, is horrific.

The pain of not being believed, of being neglected, the emotional and psychological destruction that non belief by others, after severe abuse, is even more horrific. Because it adds on top of the already massive weight of pain and devastation abuse causes.

They aren’t two separate issues. They are combined.

Non belief, is like having the knife twisted.

The abuse being the knife being stuck in, the non belief being the severe pain of the knife being twisted in the already deeply painful wound. Continue reading


Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core


To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me


‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart

This pain severe


To let go

And lose these dreams

Of the search ending

Fragile, unheard screams

Continue reading

I always form the wrong attachments & when they end, it is devastating.

I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.

I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.

I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.

It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.

Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading


I am a suicide survivor. Don’t call me selfish, unless you’ve walked my path.


This  ^ is an excellent article on suicide. And why it is not selfish.

I have attempted suicide at least twice. I started feeling suicidal when I was about 12/13, attempted suicide the first time at around 13/14 years old.

My second attempt was at around 18 yrs old and I still have a scar on my wrist, from that.

Both were due to severe prolonged complex trauma/abuse.

I’ve had more abuse in the last 2 years, whilst trying to process and heal. This abuse has severely affected my healing/health. I am in considerable emotional pain, daily. 

I nearly died a few weeks ago – wanting to step out in front of a bus, while feeling dissociated, numb. Continue reading

My song, when I feel vulnerable, scared, small and needy.


So many people say vulnerability, feeling scared, feeling fragile are all so wrong.

Well, in society terms I am a failure, weak and pathetic.

But, I am honest.

And this is how I feel, increasingly.

Or maybe, not increasingly, but I just acknowledge it more.

I feel it a lot. I feel unsafe.

I have most of my life.

Society and religious attitudes, all increasing shame about mental health issues.

We live in a society that demands we be positive all the time. And if we are not, we are failures.

Society demands ‘you must be strong every day!’ or again, you are a failure.

In these demands, I am a failure. I have survived horrific abuse, over decades, but I am still a failure in society’s terms.

This means, those with depression, PTSD etc, are shamed into silence, or hiding their mental health, leading to less people reaching out for help.

There are so many barriers for people with any mental health issues, to reach out;

Stigma, which is abuse due to ignorance and lack of empathy.

Shame, because society demands everyone is a success, empowered and positive.

Religion, which abuses people further about mental health.

Unless all these issues are spoken about and dealt with, more and more people will want to end their lives, due to not seeking appropriate help and feeling shamed into more and more depression, isolation and despair.

This leads to more suicides and this is so tragic. Continue reading

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I always try to use horrible situations to help others. Today, compassion about suicide.

I always try to look at situations that are sad, tragic etc and think what I can do to help. I know I can only do my little bit, but I feel I do need to do that.

The tragic death of Robin Williams after his lifelong battle with depression, Bipolar, has highlighted again, the need for suicide awareness and compassion.

There are millions worldwide suffering with suicidal thoughts right now and I know that. It breaks my heart, because I know that pain.

So, to do something useful, I’ve put out a pile of info on Twitter and Facebook with this in mind. Stating compassion is needed. Info about suicide, how I get suicidal so I completely understand and have no judgment,and how I have empathy. Info about how to help people with depression, info about crisis lines etc. Continue reading


Sobbing at the tragic news of Robin Williams death.


I did not know him. Obviously. But, as someone who feels suicidal, has had a life of depression, suffering, I always feel such deep empathy for anyone who feels this way and is suffering.

It’s always tragic to me, that such beautiful people, end their lives due to such pain, that becomes greater, than the capacity to cope.

To die with such pain inside, is a horrible way to die. But, I understand why people do it.

It’s so deeply, painfully sad.

It is so tragic for Robin Williams and all the millions of people around the world feeling suicidal, suffering so deeply and ending their lives to release the pain.

I pray they all find God’s peace.

I’ve already seen comments on Twitter referring to him being a coward. People can be such fucking mean bastards, who lack any empathy. It’s true that the ugliest thing I have ever seen, is a person without empathy. They are ugly, really fucking ugly to the core.

I truly understand wanting to die, because the pain is too great. I think about it often.

I have empathy and great compassion for anyone who feels suicidal.

Posts to my page, I want to keep. 10th August 2014

“I’m thankful my brain has the capacity for mild dissociation. The ability to feel ‘numb’ at times – helps me deal with the pain. I couldn’t bear constant pain – to the level I experience.

But, I do need to manage the numbness. It is far too tempting to remain there permanently, lost in a zone of nothingness.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


“I don’t believe being highly suspicious about everyone’s motives, is a particularly good trait.

But, I have self compassion for why I am. When you have endured abuse and betrayal, it forces you to have to be so suspicious, to keep yourself safe from any further harm.

Because the harm already endured, hurt so deeply and the mind, heart, body and soul remembers this.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else. Continue reading


It wasn’t worth doing the right thing. Evil prevailed and won.

There’s no getting away from the harsh reality, that doing the right thing, over the last few years, having courage, was a complete waste of time.

All it did was lead to me enduring more trauma and abuse, having to deal with so many lies, corruption, evil. No-one dealt with it any of it appropriately, no-one else stepped up, so evil prevailed.

It wasn’t worth it, all the harm it caused me. That is the harsh reality. Humans cause harm to others, in many ways.

And I have that nagging knowledge that I was so stupid to think anything different would occur.

Why would I ever put my trust in people. Why? It’s like I have the masochistic need to keep proving to myself, again and again, that people can never be trusted.

All the harm, to me, to my healing, was not worth doing the right thing.

Maybe this was the lesson, all along. Don’t bother.