As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.
It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.
PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.
Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.
Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.
I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.
I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.
I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.
I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it. Continue reading