Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.

It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.

PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.

Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.

I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.

crying

I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.

I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.

I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it. Continue reading


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Wanting to die, never leaves my thoughts.

lana-dead

I am exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Worn down every day due to living with a toxic person.

Totally alone. No-one to talk to.

PTSD symptoms, are all pretty bad. Having horrible dreams most nights. Anxiety high. Dizziness and arm seizures, occurring frequently. Back, shoulder and neck pain pretty bad.

I truly wish I could die. Continue reading


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I don’t want to do this anymore.

I know when I’m not doing okay, because I can’t eat, all my PTSD symptoms increase, I get suicidal thoughts, I wish I could not be here.

I’m aware the situation of my counselling ending so badly, is trauma. I have been re-traumatised and emotionally abused by her, and this has impacted me greatly. Even though I tried hard to not let it affect me.

This, plus issues in my marriage increasing, are overwhelming.

I’ve also had to cancel doing my photography course, because I have found out this week – the Government funding has reduced and I cannot afford to pay for the course.

Plus, I have issues about my faith.

It’s too much.

And I have no-one to talk to.

It feels like my whole life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to sort it out.

I tried to be really strong about all this, and realise my counsellors and husband issues are actually nothing to do with me – it’s their issues. But, the fact is – it does impact me. I can’t just turn off those strong emotions indefinitely. Continue reading