Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


4 Comments

I don’t lash out at others, instead I internalise the pain, by lashing out at myself.

I was never ‘allowed’ to be angry, or have any appropriate responses to the vile, painful, disgusting abuse I endured.

I’m still told I am not ‘allowed’ – by society, by church people.

So, I internalize it, into self hate, self shame, depression and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve been told by church people – anger means you are a ‘child of the devil’. Speaking the truth means ‘you are demonic’.

I’ve been told I must not label, or speak badly of my abusers, as that destroys ‘them,’ and that makes ‘me’ bad and instead I should just have compassion and forgiveness, because my feelings, emotions, processing trauma and grieving, don’t matter.

I have endured decades of abuse, and according to others, I am meant to deal with this quickly, for the sake of others, for ‘their’ needs, to make life comfortable and more pleasant, for ‘them’.

To others…

Abuse is far more ‘palatable’ –

If the victims would just ‘get over it’ quicker. Continue reading


5 Comments

Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.

insight

I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell. Continue reading


4 Comments

Consider why an abuse survivor, is criticising another, for the way they are healing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~ Don’t criticise someone’s else’s journey being different ~~~

There are different ways people handle their trauma and healing.

1. Moving on from processing.

I think there comes a point in healing, where it does become about finding more things in life to be positive about and focus on. I believe this is after all the processing of the trauma, and grieving.  I think some are at this stage and this is wonderful. It can take many years, decades even, to get to this point. But, this is the goal of healing.

2. Still processing and grieving the trauma.

I think many are at this stage and that ‘is’ okay and no-one should feel bad about that, at all. It is a process and it takes time and no-one can judge that timeframe.

3. Not dealing with processing/grieving fully, or at all.

I also think some people spend their lives suppressing some or all the pain and trauma and are forcing themselves to focus on only good things and if that is what someone needs to do, that is okay too. But telling others they should also do this, is not okay. Because doing this, is not healing.

I’m not going to judge what anyone else needs to do.

But, what I don’t like, is when people criticise and judge others, who are in a different point in their healing, or what they are doing to heal/cope, or how long it each journey takes.

Sometimes, survivors don’t even realise they are doing No 3, so don’t understand how painful fully processing all the trauma is, or what the grieving feels like. The reason for the suppression, or denial, can be shame, fear, incapacity – many reasons.

Sadly, these will be some of the people who then judge others, accusing others of ‘dwelling’ or ‘acting like victims’….when in all reality – they haven’t dealt with their own trauma. Which is ‘why’ they will judge others. If they had dealt with their own, they ‘wouldn’t’ judge or criticise anyone else.

I have insight into why people put other survivors of abuse down and need to hurt them/be mean etc.

We are all different, and more need to realise this and if there were less judgment about other people’s healing, it would support survivors of abuse far more.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

Continue reading


15 Comments

‘Focus on a positive attitude’ – not wise advice for healing abuse survivors.

Society promotes the whole ‘focus on a positive attitude’ as being the answer for anything.

Church people like to do focus on ‘count your blessings’.

Neither of these are helpful, or appropriate advice to give to people who are trying to heal severe abuse and trauma. All these do, is avoid suppress, ignore the emotions needed to process the trauma, the emotions needed to grieve. Suppression is never healthy when it comes to abuse and trauma.

How do I know this….because I did it myself for 20 years. And it made my current situation worse.

I did what society and unwise people demand – moved on, got over it, made a life, tried to never think about my past, worked hard, exercised hard, focussed on enjoying myself blah blah blah…

And all that did was suppress the deeply painful emotions and severe trauma, that needed to have been dealt with at the age of 20 yrs old.

But, I had no support, no family so I did what I needed to do to support myself, survive and suppressed it as much as I possible could. Continue reading


10 Comments

Is it okay for me to be really honest & say some days, I would rather be dead, than dealing with all this.

I am a strong person, I know that. I couldn’t have survived all I have, if I wasn’t.

But, there are days, often, where I wish I could either be back to where I was 5 years ago, or dead.

Five years ago, I blamed myself for a lot of the abuse. That was easier for me, than dealing with all I know now.

Five years ago, I didn’t feel this huge burden of knowing and seeing the extent of all the abuse and harm that goes on in this world and hurt so deeply, for all these people.

Five years ago, I didn’t understand the extent of all the abuse that had happened to me, because suppressing it was easier.

Five years ago, I still had this little bit of hope in me, that my mother loved me. Now, that is gone.

Five years ago, I had a life, albeit not a perfect one by far, but I had a life, friends, went out, had fun, lived. Now I’m not living, I’m limping from one day to the next.

Five years ago, I believed in living life as best you can, ‘getting on with it’, and I did. I was society’s idea of strong. I tried so hard. It made my life worse. So, now I have no choice, now I can’t, because the crippling grief, depression and severe PTSD symptoms, mean I don’t have a life anymore.

I’m not living anymore.

I’m existing.

In a world of dissociation, of endless ways of trying to numb the pain, that is far greater now, than it was for 2 decades prior to that.

I am bluntly honest, that if it wasn’t for my children, I know I would not be here.

Is it wrong, that I just want to die and go and be with Jesus?

Do I have to be everyone else’s idea and opinion of strong every day and live up to their expectations?

Is it okay to say, the pain of all I have endured and all I continue to endure, is so great, I cannot cope and I am doing the best I can, which is not great I know.

Many people commit suicide due to less than I have endured. I don’t consider them to be weak. I have great compassion for them. I understand needing the pain to end.

And I know many people have endured more than I have, and are stronger than me and I truly am deeply thankful for that and very proud of them. They are amazing.

But, is it okay for me to say, I can’t be that strong every day?

Is it okay for me to say, these nightmares and intrusive thoughts and emotions I feel, are so painful, I would rather be dead?

Is it okay for me to say, the aloneness I feel is crippling and no I can’t cope with it?

Is it okay, if I don’t barf up positivity to suit everyone else’s needs? Continue reading


4 Comments

Not following the Rolf Harris court case. I have shame about not reporting a paedophile.

I follow all the news about (alleged) paedophiles/child sex offenders, that end up convicted ones like Robert Hughes, Max Clifford, Daniel Morcombe’s killer.

But, I just can’t do it anymore. Well not at the moment.

My head fills with all this pain for their victims and my heart hurts for them, deeply.

It brings back too many memories of dealing with paedophile sexual abuse myself.

I feel guilty, because these victims need supporting.

I think some of my guilt, is because I didn’t report the paedophile who abused me and my sister. I should have. I could have stopped him hurting other children. He’s dead now, he died not long before I moved out of the country.

I had 15 years, between the age of 20, to 35, to go to the police and I didn’t, because I was trying so hard to suppress it all.

I wish I had reported him. I have asked God for forgiveness, because I know, I should of. I know as a child, it wasn’t my responsibility, but as an adult, I should have.

I know I feel shame about this, because I have nightmares about it.

I’m angry and disappointed at myself. I wish I could go back and change it. I wonder how many other children got hurt, because I failed to step up and report him officially.

I feel like I let other children down.

And I feel like not supporting other victims, who do have the courage to step up and report their abusers, means I am failing them too.

I am thankful there are some incredibly strong, courageous victims, who do report their abusers, to try and make life safer for other children. they are hero’s and I support them 100%.

I know I failed badly in this myself and I don’t make excuses for my failures. And I have remorse. I should have done something.


The most painful part of my healing journey…

When the denial crumbles – it is painful – to see abusive people for who they really are.

To know I was never loved, because they are not capable of love, was one of the most painful things I have gone through in my healing over the last two years.

To come to terms with this and the severity of all the abuse, has almost been more than I can emotionally cope with. I have wanted to be dead, more times than I want to admit, within the last 2 years. And I am a strong person, but that’s how painful it is.

But, this ‘coming out of denial’, was all needed, no matter how deeply painful and still is, as grieving takes a long time. Although sometimes I wish I was still acquainted with my old friends ‘denial, suppression and avoidance’.

But, I know I am growing and strengthening.

And growing in insight, spiritually and in emotional wisdom.


28 Comments

And now all anyone wants me to do….is minimize/suppress, all the trauma.

It has been 2 years of coming to an understanding of the severity of all the trauma and abuse I have been through. It has been deeply painful and emotionally, more than I can handle. It’s still more than I can handle.

I’ve learned all the strategies people use to minimize the trauma, all the abusive ways people hurt you about it. All the ways people like to view it, for their own self motivated needs.

And I see it all the time now, intentionally, and unintentionally.

People think they are helping, by saying I should view the abusers as good and bad. Understand they are good people really who are hurting and I should feel sorry for them. Well the ‘bad’ part of them, is what caused massive damage, so forgive me if I can’t quite hold on to the ‘good’ part of them – which is only good for their own self interested needs anyway.

People suggest I should view the ‘damage’ differently. I just need to look at it in other more palatable ways, use minimizing terms, that basically minimize the severe harm it caused me. You know – minimize it myself and trick my brain into believing it wasn’t that bad after all..

Yeah, you know, I am far too intelligent for that rubbish. Please don’t insult my intelligence.

There are all the Christians, who have a whole range of wrong opinions and judgements, that are all basically spiritual/emotional abuse, that I just avoid like the plague. They can be the most hurtful of all.

And then there are all those who just think I should ‘leave it in the past’, ‘forget about it’, ‘get over it’, ‘stop dwelling’. And to those people – I just have no words anymore.

I could keep trying to explain to them, but there is no use in talking to people who are completely committed to not listening.

I could get angry and say ‘fuck you, walk in my shoes and then see if you are repeating that crap to yourself’. Other people get angry to deal with invalidation and minimization. But, I don’t want to be angry, so I just avoid anyone who is likely to spout this rubbish. Continue reading