Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Ian McFadyen – Channel 4 Interview.


I listened to this and tears flowed. For him, for me, and all survivors.

It is so validating to hear the voice of the words of someone who really knows what prolonged abuse is, who says what you feel and how it affects you long term.

‘It is a lifelong sentence, it never leaves us’. To hear him talk about the risk taking, the lifestyle choices to avoid and numb the pain, to escape, the drinking etc, I relate to. Deeply.

But, to hear the courage and hope Ian has too, is just so inspiring.

“Stupid Girl” no more.

This song means a lot to me. Garbage, was my favourite music in my 20’s. This was what I believed about myself, after 2 decades of abuse. Severe abuse.

I suppressed everything, ‘moved on’, ‘got over it’ – wrong thing to do – but I had to – to survive. I was on my own.

I pretended to myself and everyone I was happy. I wasn’t. I faked it. Just like society tells you too. But, I knew I was faking it, but had no support to do anything else, I had to work, had to pay bills, I had no family.

But, I was never a stupid girl. I was an abused girl.

A line that stands out to me.

“don’t believe in love, don’t believe in hate”.

I’ve never hated, it’s not in me. I’ve always internalised it and hated myself.

I didn’t believe in love then either, because I was never shown any.


Poem – Staying High, Staying Numb


A poem about my life in my 20’s.

Poem – Staying High

Deeply carved
Into every inch
Of her heart
And soul

The blur
Cure it

No amount
Of suppression
Would make
It go

Pain remained
Each moment
Of it ignored
The damage
And deeper
Into her soul

Not wanting
To be alone
Fear of alone
One night stands
Can’t go home
Alone again
Need someone
To numb
The pain Continue reading


Coming to a place of harsh, painful acceptance.

Honesty and acceptance, are harsh realities and I am never one to shy away from, self honesty, self insight, reality.

And no-one knows me, better than I know myself.

People can project their own assumptions and judgments, of how I should heal, whether I should tolerate society more, say I shouldn’t be isolating, whether I am doing what they feel I should be doing.

But, I am not striving to be what other people expect anymore.

I am me. This is it.

I accept that decades of severe cruelty, abuse and trauma, mean I see and know a lot more than many who have not experienced such devastating life experiences.

I accept I cannot trust, or rely on, or expect anything from anyone, because I have a life threatening severe disorder, than means people’s behaviour affects me so painfully, I can want to end my life. And I am sick of feeling like my emotions are wrong. They are what they are, with good reason.

I accept I am who I am for all I have endured. I have endured abuse no person, no child, no adolescent, no adult should ever have to endure. It has wounded me to my core, and the scars remain, and I accept that.

I accept I have a life threatening illness, and I am so scared I will end my life one day, that I HAVE to stay from people, or those suicidal thoughts can be triggered. Continue reading


Music – a coping strategy my entire life, to deal with so much abuse.

I need music in my life, every day.

When no-one around me has understood me, cared about me, or been hurting me – music made me know – someone, somewhere understood what I was feeling, enduring.

Music was all I had at some points in my life.


I always vowed I would never become hardened….but you have to be.

harden up

I always vowed I wouldn’t become hardened by all that has happened to me, but the more I see around me, the more I learn, the more I know I cannot rely on anyone, the more I know how painfully I feel hurt caused by human behaviour, the more I know I have to toughen up. Be a lot harder than I am.

You cannot be soft in this world. You get eaten alive by people, or you withdraw and avoid. Typical empath life that I am not sure is healthy, and wish to change.

I need to not care what people think of me, and develop a ‘okay that’s your opinion and you are entitled to it, but I do not have to agree, or tolerate you in my life’.

I have realised most people will always do what they need to do for themselves, have little self insight and most people don’t understand themselves, let alone me.

In this sinful, abusive, egocentric, apathetic society I reside in, I have to not allow any of that to hurt me, bother me, but not ignore it either and do what I need to do, to help others, show compassion and to those who need it and leave the rest alone, to do what they want.

At some point I hope to find people who I relate to, people with passions like mine, people who care about important issues, people not scared to talk about taboo subjects, people who are willing to make life uncomfortable to do what’s needed, what’s right.

People with integrity. I need to be involved in charities, organisations dealing with child abuse, child protection – which is my goal. Find like minded people, to have meaningful, intelligent, non shallow conversation with.

Continue reading

I cannot ignore the suffering of children.

This picture breaks my heart and makes me cry, every time I see it. Because it makes me think about how if this were my sons, I would want people to care about them.

And I have put myself in the shoes of these children, to feel some of the pain, suffering, trauma they feel and endure every day, which is empathy.

The only difference between my sons, and these boys, is where we were ‘blessed’ have been born.

But, I cannot ignore these children suffering.

We are blessed to help others, in need.