Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.

When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.

It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.

People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.

People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.

I’m past caring now. It is what it is.

I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.

I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading


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The Deep Searing Ache & Pain In My Soul – For Family ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve always dealt with everything terrible in my life, completely alone. But most of that, was just about taking care of me.

Now, I have two boys I have to care for. Which is very different. And I desperately wish I had a mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin…. anyone…. to care about me and my boys. To love us.

That deep searing ache in my soul, is so painful I cannot even express it fully.

I feel so terribly sad that my boys don’t have family either. They only have me. And their father. They deserve better than that. More than that. Much more.

I’ve always known how much I miss having family.

But, this is a time in my life, when I feel that terribly desperate grieving.

And I know this grieving is not helped by the grieving of my mothers death a few months ago, and the death of the motherly role I had placed on my counsellor.

I feel more alone now……. than ever in my life. Continue reading