A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

When Triggers Are Actually Intuition & Discernment ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

‘Triggers’ are common issues with people with (Complex) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The common advice given is to learn your triggers, avoid triggers, manage triggers.

Triggers, are when past trauma is triggered by something that happens now. These can be emotional triggers, can bring flashbacks, anxiety etc.

It is often viewed as the ‘triggers’, being innocent and non harmful, but triggering something from the past. E.g. someone sees someone with a beard, and it triggers a past memory of abuse, by someone who also had a beard. Obviously, the person now with the beard, is completely innocent in simply being someone, with a beard.

I have, however, come to understand, whatever is occurring now, that causes a trigger, can also be something that is not okay in itself. E.g. a person lies, triggering emotions felt by lies told in the past – by someone abusive. But, the person lying ‘now’, is not innocent. Lying is wrong and it is okay to not be okay with someone lying to you. And the very fact that you know the person lying ‘now’, is lying, is discernment. I can often tell when people are lying.

So when people choose to dismiss a trigger, when the trigger was based on something being done now that is wrong…. they are choosing to ‘blame’ the persons (Complex) PTSD. Rather than face the fact that the lie they told, was not okay. They are choosing to refuse to deal with the lying and how wrong that is.

Another example is when someone gives a fake apology, that does not take responsibility for what they have done. I can discern when that is occurring. And they then dismiss that (fake) apology not being accepted, as being the issue of the person with the (Complex) PTSD. When the reality is, I have discerned the apology being fake, and I do not have to accept it at all. And a fake apology is a weak persons way of dealing with their own wrong doing. And a fake apology, is an insult to my intelligence.

Someone’s (Complex) PTSD, can become a convenient way for others to refuse to deal with their issues and wrong doing. The (Complex) PTSD is used as the scapegoat.

And weak people love to use some way of shifting blame, shifting responsibility, dismissing their own wrongs.

A recent issue occurred, where a belief system of there being ‘no victims/no villains’ within families. It is an irrational and bizarre belief system, some can choose, which minimizes severe abuse, minimizes the intentionality of abuser and invalidates the suffering people who have been abused by family members do endure.  

Breathing skills, sure helped when my wisdom tooth was extracted.

I had an infected, painful wisdom tooth. I’ve had it being painful for many years. But, it got worse, so I decided I had to get it taken out.

The x-rays showed the wisdom tooth was embedded in the bone, it was only partially erupted and was infected.

I was pretty nervous when it came to the dental surgeon taking it out. Just the thought of feeling trapped in the chair, with people leaning over me, is a trigger. I am a severe abuse survivor and feeling trapped, is not easy to deal with.

Pain, is also a trigger. Having severe PTSD and Complex PTSD, means I can and do have many triggers, leading to visual, emotional and somatic flashbacks.

I decided I would utilise every PTSD, anxiety strategy I could, to help me manage this situation. Including breathing and mindfulness skills.

And I prayed for strength and the capacity to deal with this.

The extraction procedure was not pleasant. Just hearing the saw I knew she was using to cut the bone, was horrible.

But, I remained absolutely calm throughout. I was breathing….. in for 4…… and out for 4. And praying I would not feel pain. I shut my eyes the whole time, because I didn’t want to see them leaning over me. That helped with not feeling so trapped.

I do not like today….it sure is testing my managment skills…

I don’t ‘do’ Halloween, but my son is going – for the first time – trick or treating with his friend…..after a big long talk about why certain aspects of Halloween and the glorifying of evil is not okay….His response “it’s okay mum, it’s just a bit of fun and getting lollies”.

I understand this is how a 12 years old thinks about it…….and that level of immaturity about Halloween, remains the same for many adults too….

It is just a bit of fun for most people…..but I still hate it. I know glorifying darkness, is not okay.

I know focussing on goodness

is what we always need,

not darkness.

I should avoid Facebook over halloween.

I do realise most people celebrate Halloween as a bit of fun, to dress up etc. I also think it is a good excuse to indulge in the dark side of people, which bothers me.

I hate Halloween, and anything that celebrates evil. I hate horror movies etc. I know what Halloween is meant to be about, but is still has too much evilness involved and is used as an excuse to glorify evil.

I don’t ‘enjoy’, celebrate or glorify evil.

Currently there are pictures of Halloween, horror type stuff all over social media. All glorifying dark evil stuff.

I just saw a pic of a guy I like and he is a nice guy….but for Halloween he had a picture of his eyes all black – evil eyes.

Having seen this is real life – real life evil at work and enduring a psychopath who’s eyes would become black, as he carried out his torture…..those black evil eyes, are very triggering.

So, it is up to me, to stay away from this stuff that triggers horrible memories and emotions of fear and suffering, due to real evil at work.

Doing okay….then triggers occur…..and everything is black……Again.

People with inflated self esteem & grandiose delusions, really trigger me.

It is okay to acknowledge this.…as it affects my wellbeing.

One trigger I know I have, is people’s ‘delusions of grandeur’, or ‘inflated sense of self esteem’, or inflated sense of self importance’ which can be found within several diagnoses of Narcissistic PD, Bipolar and others.

http://psychcentral.com/…/narcissistic-personality-disorde…/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/…/ba…/tests-diagnosis/con-20027544

Both of these diagnoses are very, very different, but both of these links above show how the person will have a self inflated sense of self esteem/delusions of grandeur….and I will be able to easily spot this, as I am very discerning. This has happened again in the last few weeks.

And I am honest in saying I find this very triggering, having been raised by narcs/sociopaths and abused by too many, who all had inflated self esteem and were very abusive and caused me great harm.

Once that ego stuff becomes obvious to me, it triggers issues that immediately put me on alert and I will back away from that person and want to run far from them, as a form of self protection. Especially as I then watch that person continually considering and promoting self and own agenda and I start to feel used, which is also a trigger for me.

It is always a relief, to read experts knowledge on Complex PTSD.

“I always feel a relief, from reading trauma expert’s knowledge of PTSD & Complex PTSD.

It helps me realise, I am normal, for all I have endured and my strong emotions, my fears, my reactions, my thoughts – are due to the very abnormal abuse/experiences I have endured.

This is why I share all this, so others feel validated and understand this is normal for all they have endured, also.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I wrote this on my Facebook page today, after having researched info I already knew, but needed to read again. It is vital, that severe complex trauma survivors, know and understand their emotions, fears etc….are all normal for what they have endured.

It is vital for me to know this.

It’s like a form of self soothing.

“I am okay, this is normal for me, there are massive reasons, and none of it is my fault.” 

I’m aware, I have no doubt been in a big emotional flashback, for the last few days. They can last days, weeks even.

Waves of crushing sadness, for being unable to write about joy and happiness.

When I find amazing blogs, where incredibly talented writers, create these beautiful poems, or share beautiful photos, that speak of joy, happiness and delighting in all the good in life…great waves of sadness and grieving come over me.

I can’t write that way. I have written poems, not well, but they resonate with people suffering.

But, I have no capacity to sit and write something joyful.

My capacity to write in such detail, about the darker sides of life, is terribly sad. And I feel sadness and grieving for myself. My whole life has been woven together – with enduring abuse, coping with complex PTSD and painful emotions, self hatred, and dark despair never far from the surface. Even the times I believed were good, I now realised were all tainted with this darkness.

I am aware, what I write is needed, helpful and inspiring to people who need it. But it’s hardly joyful, pleasant topics.

“How to have emotional boundaries with narcissists’, ‘my current coping with suicidal thoughts’, ‘how to deal with lack of empathy and mental health stigma’, or ‘how to survive flashbacks of terrifying abuse’…..hardly qualifies as joyful.

But, this is my life.

Decades of dealing with trauma, abuse and PTSD, is in no way a joyful life. It is in no way a life, that creates an ability to focus on the exquisite beauty of life, I do comprehend and know is there, because others feel it.

But, I can’t.

And it wasn’t and isn’t, a choice.