Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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A Personality Disorder Is Not An Excuse – As Per Hugo Schwyzer – Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Good to see someone being really honest about how a personality disorder is not an excuse to hurt or manipulate anyone.

I’m over hearing people justify, excuse, minimize the harm people with personality disorders cause.

From https://www.facebook.com/schwyzer

An explanation is not an excuse. In my life and the lives of my friends lately, I’ve seen some confusion about that.

I have borderline personality disorder (obvious to anyone who knows that diagnosis). The risk-taking and need for validation so inherent in that affliction was part of what led me to sleep with so many students for so many years. I knew I had BPD. I chose not to control it or get help. BPD is part of the “why” of what I did, but it does not excuse what I did.

I am as guilty as if I did not have a personality disorder.

You could say my personality disorder cost me my job, but that would be wrong. My choices did.

Whacked out on eight times my prescribed dose of Klonopin, I drove my mom’s car across three lanes of traffic and ran a young mama off the road, sending her to ICU. I was depressed and addicted and having delusions. My depression and addiction and psychosis explain why I was medicating so heavily, but my agony did not take away one ounce of my responsibility to tell my mother that I was in no shape to drive.

You could say my mental illness and addiction caused the crash, but that would be wrong. My choices did.

When people fuck up, we want to know why. “Why” helps us understand the inexplicable; it helps us create a coherent narrative when the alternative is to believe in randomness or callousness. There is value, perhaps, in knowing someone did something because they were sick rather than because they were making a calculated decision to hurt you out of malice.

But, honestly, so what?

The why is like telling an Angeleno the weather today in Oslo or Oklahoma City or Orlando: an interesting fact, but not particularly relevant.

Mentally ill people deserve compassion. We NEED compassion.

Please, if there’s a way to help us when we’re struggling with despair or suicidality or basic life skills, help us! But you do us no favors at all when you imagine that our illness infantilizes us, or you allow us at our most manipulative to claim that we “deserve a pass” because our minds are touched by fire and our capacity to reason is gravely diminished.

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No, Not All Abusers Hate Themselves. Many Are In Fact Character Disturbed ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


For information on Dr George Simon’s expertise in toxic people, see his Website @


It may feel easier to believe overgeneralisations, but that does not mean you are dealing with reality.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Validation of my intelligence is good …. but it doesn’t reduce the pain, or the aloneness.

The last couple of counselling sessions, have resulted in a lot of validation. It was stated I am far more able to clearly see my trauma history and understand toxic/unhealthy people and their motivations and issues, than at any point in my life. I am far more able to speak up about all I know, understand and express the depth of that understanding.

This has all been validated. Along with being told that I am a very intelligent woman, with a capacity to think things deeply and rationally. To a much deeper level than average. And what people cannot understand – they will reject. So rejection features a lot in my life. It’s always the default for people who don’t understand something, to reject it. Few people ‘get me’. That’s the reality I am enduring.

Also validated, was my understanding of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting in all it’s many forms. Plus, why it happens, the motivations for it, and why it is so wrong. I understand people’s motivations are very often not at all what they delude themselves they are. Rarely do egocentric, selfish, narcissistic, unhealthy, irrational, character disturbed, or delusional people – ever admit their true motivations and issues. They reside within lives of delusions, fantasies, lies and irrational thinking. I understand that very clearly. And how much this occurs throughout humanity.

And I can now verbally express all this, far more easily and with considerable clarity. Which is about my healing/growth.

This includes the depth of my understanding of all the harmful people who have abused me throughout my life.  Including my husband. Who it was confirmed, is highly narcissistic, with sociopathic traits. And it was validated he comes from a highly dysfunctional, narcissistic family. It was helpful to have this validation. And that I was duped, manipulated and exploited. I was not in fact looking for an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship. I fell in love with a man who did not exist. I fell in love with a fantasy my husband (and his parents) believe about himself. Who lied from day one. And he continued on with his selfish, manipulative, deceitful and toxic ways, for 16 years. Stealing from me the right I had to find someone genuinely good/ healthy/ decent/ trustworthy, who would be a good husband and good father. Plus, the validation of how I know this man never loved me, never cared about me, and is in fact incapable of love, due to the depths of his fantasy/delusion about himself. And I’m glad my counsellor has done counselling with him, as that is further validation, based on her own therapy with him.

But, all this validation, does not take away my reality, that I am different to most people. Feeling different, is something I have always felt, and continue to feel. And it makes me feel so terribly alone. And that was validated as a very real situation I am in. It is not a ‘complex trauma irrational issue’. It is a very real issue, with very valid reasons why, which are not about anything wrong with me. But in fact, are due to deeper intelligence skills.

always an unusual

The validation of all this, is good. It helps in knowing I am correct in my thinking. But, it doesn’t take the aloneness away. Just because I understand why I am so different to most people, doesn’t make me feel less alone. Or make it less painful. In fact, it makes it worse. Continue reading

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Two posts about abusers & abuse, honesty & courage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Two posts I wrote today on my Lilly Hope Lucario Facebook page @


Just because there are some people who are unable to cope with the fact they were intentionally abused by someone who did not love them….
Does not give them the right to push their self serving abuser excuser beliefs, onto those of us who do deal with the truth.

Understanding the truth about abusers and the intentional motivation, along with knowing the abuser’s unwillingness to have remorse, empathy or reagrd for human suffering……
Does not make us someone lacking in compassion.

It makes us people with the capacity and courage for truth.

And I do have appropriate compassion for abusers – because I don’t wish them anything inappropriate. I don’t wish them ‘bad karma’, or any form of pay back.

But, I do understand the necessity for them to face the consequences of their chosen actions. Including legal action, contacting the police, jail time if necessary.

People who have beliefs that make excuses, enable, minimize etc – are not dealing with truth, reality and have no empathy for the victims.

In fact, they have no empathy for the abuser. Because making excuses and enabling an abuser – is not in the abusers best interests either.

So when people deem people like myself as ‘lacking in compassion’ for abusers – they are simply delusional. And greatly misled by their own self serving and self soothing needs.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am so over seeing behaviours such as….. a lack of empathy, conscience, remorse, shame, guilt, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of regard for causing suffering to others…… classed as ‘mental illness’.

They are not about mental illness……….. they are being a shitty and abusive person.

They are all the character traits of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.

I’ve been abused by them all, and I know 100% they all knew what they were doing was wrong, they all caused abuse intentionally and they kept on doing it anyway.

Pretending or deluding self that ‘they can’t help it’ – is simply wrong.
Yes – they can help it, because they can all act differently around people.
They can all act ‘nicely’ when they are grooming potential prey, or are around people they want to impress.
They select the behaviours they want to have, around different types of people.
Showing they can indeed have self control.

There are too many ‘abuser excusers’ and flying monkeys in this world…….
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Not All Wounds Heal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

There are some wounds that may never heal and I am at peace with this now.

The child sexual abuse I endured as a child, was the worst abuse I endured – as in the life long, deep, core wounds impact. Especially knowing my own mother was complicit in it. That has created deep wounds I will never recover from.



Abuse survivors, are often made to feel like all wounds ‘have’ to be healed. But, I don’t believe that.

Some people will heal all wounds, and some won’t. That’s the reality. And there is no shame in that, no matter what others say.

But, I am determined that despite the wounds that aren’t healing and likely won’t…. I am still creating a life for myself, that has joy, love, fun, purpose and meaning.

I liken this to someone who loses limbs. Their life is never the same and there are some things they will never be capable of…. but their life can still be a good life, with many areas of their life being wonderful.

I deal with reality and the reality is – for some people not all wounds will heal. And demanding all abuse survivors heal all wounds, simply shames some – that won’t achieve that unreasonable expectation.

More insights, I have come to realise, on my own journey.

And if anyone wants to suggest that is ‘not good enough’ – they can take a hike!

Because I don’t let anyone shame me.

Not anymore.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Proof of the ‘there are no angels and no demons’ attitude, being bullshit.

**Trigger warning.


I recently started to read a book recommended to me, by my counsellor, based on some bullshit theory, which I know is a pack of lies.

The theory was thought up by a psychiatrist Murray Bowen. His own words ‘ there are no angels, there are no demons’ and ‘everyone is just acting predictably from their life experiences’. And the book, was written by some bullshit ‘social worker’ who also stated ‘there are no victims, there are no villains’.

Today, when I turned my computer on , the first two news stories I read were about.. 1) Two men aged in their 50’s raping a 10 month old baby and then sharing photos of this abuse with their friends, & 2) A man caught on the ‘dark web’ talking about wanting to buy a ‘caged child’ to sexually abuse.

And there are parents who abuse their children in this way. So whilst these ‘theories’ may be about families, there are indeed evil parents.

These men are evil. I do not care what they may have endured themselves in life, this is evil at work. There is no excuse, no justification, no reason that explains why men want to sexually abuse children in this way.

How dare anyone suggest these children, are not victims. Are not angels – so in some way responsible. And how dare anyone suggest these men are anything less than evil, villains, demons.

These men are indeed ‘demons’ and they are evil.

These children, are ‘angels’ -they are innocent, beautiful, vulnerable children being abused in the most heinous way, anyone can be abused.

These two news stories alone, prove these ‘theories’ dreamed up by mental health professionals, are nothing more than minimizing, invalidating, irrational bullshit, based on lies, that do nothing but harm those who know evil exists – because they have endured it.

And I’m sure these theories, help these ‘professionals’ sit there with the evil people and help them to believe they are helping these evil people. And I’m sure it helps these ‘professionals’ to take money from the evil people and to sleep well at night.

These ‘men’ are not acting ‘predictably’ due to their life experiences at all. If it was a matter of predictable behaviour, and being abused – leading to abusing others………. then how come there are many of us who were heinously abused, all our childhoods… and ‘don’t’ abuse other people or children, at all????

Abusing children in this way, and enjoying it, is a choice. A choice that means the person has no empathy, no conscience, no regard for human suffering and enjoys human suffering. Which is the definition of evil. And also the definition of a psychopath.

Anyone who chooses to believe in these bullshit theories, that make evil people ‘seem better’ than they are and invalidate the suffering these victims endure and invalidate the intentional motivations of these ‘people’ …….. is someone lacking in all rational thinking, lacking in any courage to face the truth, and should absolutely not be working with abusers, or their victims.

There are angels. There are demons.

There are victims. There are villains.

There are completely innocent people. There are evil people.

And to think differently, is bullshit.

And I explained all this, quite clearly to my counsellor today. Who sadly I have lost much respect for and trust in.

All this does is enforce my understanding, that people will believe any shit they want, to make their lives easier and rarely does the courage for truth, factor in most people’s belief systems.

The comforting lie, is always easier, than the painful truth. Continue reading

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It takes far more courage, to not ‘do’ cheap grace ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I realise the reason most people like ‘cheap grace’, is because they themselves, don’t need to be honest, don’t need to repent, don’t need to do anything.

Christians who just demand cheap grace, are weak and self serving. Yet they will delude themselves, cheap grace, is about compassion, about mercy, about love.

I cannot lie and delude myself in this way.

But, I also don’t want…… retribution, payback, ‘karma’, retaliation, anyone to burn in hell., be abused in prison, the death penalty…. or whatever else people like to imagine will happen to abusers.  My conscience and sense of right and wrong, is too developed. I don’t have the mentality of anyone who thinks abuse is ever okay.

So, I just leave them to God. He can deal with them. It’s not my job.

I’m controversial, because I don’t buy into most people’s beliefs.

I walk a path, that requires insight, honesty, integrity and not swallowing self serving lies.

It’s a lonely path. I’m not ‘popular’ as a result. My integrity to honesty, doesn’t lower, to be more popular.

And who’s my greatest role model and doing what’s right, regardless of what anyone is doing, being pretty unpopular as a result and being rejected for speaking truth and not being a people pleaser…….


~ Lilly Hope Lucario

cheap grace 1cheap grace 2

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Don’t insult my intelligence, about abusers.

I was at my ladies group this week and a local coffee place. At the next table to us, were a group of special needs adults and some carers. It was lovely seeing them and how they were being treated just like anyone else, and enjoying their drinks and food.

Some of the special needs adults, had behaviours that would not be considered normal. One kept making loud noises, one kept hugging the person he was next to, and some of the others were having non ordinary behaviours.

As I was watching them, I thought some of them are possibly intellectually impaired and just did not understand their behaviour were socially unacceptable and not ‘normal’. I realised these adults, could be capable of other behaviours they would not necessarily understand were wrong and possibly not understand the consequences of their behaviours.

Which also made me think about abusive people who do intentionally harm others, and they know exactly what they are doing. Like narcissists,      sociopaths,  psychopaths,  paedophiles,  sex offenders,  rapists etc.  Their ‘mental health/illness’ does NOT render them incapable of understanding whether their actions are wrong/harmful. They do know, they just don’t care. It’s why they are manipulative, sly, do things behind closed doors. It’s why they lie and deny. It’s absolutely intentional.

There is a big difference between someone who is genuinely incapable of knowing whether their actions are wrong, and someone who does know.

Someone who is intellectually impaired, and has development issues in many areas…. is very different to a manipulative, lying, devious, narcissist. Very different to a paedophile, or sex offender. Very different to a sociopath or psychopath.

And all of these highly abusive types of people are absolutely consciously choosing to hurt people, lie to people. They are not insane. They are 100% responsible and accountable for their intentional and deliberate actions that harm others.

Which is why it really pisses me off, when people say ‘oh they can’t help being a narcissist, or paedophile (etc) – it’s their mental illness’. Total bullshit.

And it pisses me off and insults my intelligence, to suggest they cannot help it.

It pisses me off when their abusive actions, are minimized and the victims invalidated as a result.

It pisses me off when people then demand victims see it  as ‘mental illness they cannot help’.

It is a huge insult to the victims of these highly abusive people.

It is huge insult to the victims, to deny these abusive people knew they were doing wrong. Continue reading