Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.

When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.

It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.

People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.

People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.

I’m past caring now. It is what it is.

I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.

I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading


No Idea What A Healthy Intimate Relationship Feels Like…. And Probably Never Will

Something I have realised, is I have no idea what a healthy relationship with a man looks like, or feels like.

Sad. But, true.

My intimate relationships have all been with abusive men.

I don’t know anything else.

My mother made sure I was truly fucked up by men since being a little child.

My first sexual ‘experience’ (I remember) was a paedophile and hard core porn at around 9 years old.

After that – it was abuse, abuse, abuse.

So sad.

And all the self harm that goes with this – emotionally. sexually, physically is beyond painful.

And I know if I am enduring this – there will be more like me.  Continue reading


First Sale For My New Business! ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

spark of hope 2


I haven’t been blogging – for several reasons. One being that I felt like I had nothing positive to say. But, now I have something positive to blog about!

I’ve spend the last 12 months learning a new photography profession, with the aim to set up my own part time business. This leading towards my financial independence again.

Today I had my first sale! After only one week of my business up and running!

I cried. Tears of shock, joy and no doubt other emotions. I didn’t expect people to like my work as much as they clearly do. I didn’t expect people to want to pay me.

I could into all the complex trauma reasons why I put myself down and still don’t expect good reactions from people in my life. There is still fear, shame, low self esteem, my normal being people treating me like I am worthless……… and more. But, I don’t want to write about all that. I know I have those issues still. I’m working on them and okay that it will be a long process, after 46 years of abuse. It’s okay that I haven’t ‘fixed’ all that yet.

So, instead – I will focus on my success. My talent. Others recognising that. Others treating me like I am a person of worth. People giving me amazing feedback about my work and their whole experience with me.

It’s a huge step in the direction of where my life needs to head.

I also recognise how much courage and strength it has taken for me to do this, considering how traumatic 2017 was, and how ill I am.

I’m going to be okay with being a success. With being a person other people do value.  Continue reading


2 Million Views



I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.

Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.

This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.

I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.

I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.

I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.

I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt.  Continue reading


I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process.  Continue reading


Hospital Tests Results Not Good News & I Will Always Be My Only True Advocate

The results of my tests in hospital are:

  1. A debilitating, non curable, difficult to treat illness, that is potentially life threatening and unusual at my age. And if chronic – which mine is already – can lead to heart failure, heart attacks, stroke. http://www.mdedge.com/ccjm/article/95292/cardiology/preventing-and-treating-orthostatic-hypotension-easy-b-c
  2. A tiny hole in my heart.
  3. Possible mini stroke.

Have to have more tests as an outpatient. I guess that’s when they will talk about medication, or something to do with managing it. Maybe. If they can be bothered. The cardiologists were pretty blasé about it all. I suspect it would be different if I were someone with private health cover. Public health patients are often treated as though they don’t matter. I guess they deal with worse cardiology related issues: people dying, full heart attacks, open heart surgery etc. I’m sure if I have a full blown heart attack or major stroke – they might seem a little more concerned. Maybe.

I’m someone who does research and finds quality info and info that often the general public are not aware of. I’m not easily fobbed off by doctors who treat people like they don’t deserve to know the truth of their illness. Who treat people like it doesn’t matter if they die.

I’m trying to be okay with this new health info.

I’m aware my genetics (family of origin have heart/strokes etc), my severe trauma history, having PTSD all my life, now these actual issues occurring….. means my risk for life threatening issues occurring are greatly increased.

I’m pretty numb most of the time. I guess that survival mode kicking in.

I need to be strong for my kids.

So now dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. I’ll do my best to manage all the symptoms and hope it’s enough.

And I’m at the point now where it’s easier to just tell most people what they want to hear… “I’ll be okay, I’m strong, I’ll beat this too … blah blah blah. People don’t want hear about your struggle, your fears, your pain. They want to hear what makes ‘them’ feel comfortable.

Something I’ve also learned in this………… is my entire life I have had my ‘stuff’ invalidated, minimized and trivialised….. and that still continues. It’s happening now about my physical health issues…. from doctors.

But, just because others choose to do that to me…….. doesn’t mean they are right, or that they are showing any kindness in what they are doing.

I’ve realised I’ve spent my life also minimizing my ‘stuff’ – as I was groomed to do by my ‘family’ who called me a drama queen anytime I tried to stand up for myself in regards to their mistreatment and abuse. I had to be the opposite of a drama queen and not care about my needs, or being mistreated and it led to other people all my life not caring about my needs, or caring about mistreating me either. And to them trivialising what I endure and the seriousness of it.

But, I do realise just how serious this all is. It’s really fucking serious. It’s life threatening serious. It’s – I could die or have a severe stroke and be incapacitated for the rest of my life – serious.

So, I know I have to make a bit more of an effort to demand this be taken seriously and for them not to just shrug me off. Even if I am only a ‘public system patient’.

I matter to my kids, even if no-one else cares.

And I’ve realised as a result of the last few months …. that I will always be my only true advocate.

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