Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sexual coercion

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

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So Thankful To The Ex Wife Of My Sociopath Husband, For Her Compassion & Honesty

Several months ago, whilst going through the trauma of unravelling the truth about my 18 year marriage – I realise my sociopath husband had told a whole pack of lies about his ex wife. He portrayed himself as the victim – as he is now with me. He portrayed this image of being this really great guy – with a crazy, selfish, lazy wife. I fell for it. He’s a very convincing liar. I was also the perfect victim for him to move on to. I am empathic, caring, easily manipulated. I believed his lies. The lies he told directly, the half truths, all the times he let me assume wrongly about his ex wife. He is an expert at lying and letting people believe lies.

So, being the person I am, when I realised he had lied and that his ex wife is probably a lovely person and like me, I wrote to her. I told her everything and that I believed all his lies and that she should know – I do now realise all the abuse she was also going through. I didn’t know how she would react. She responded with compassion. We had many conversations – where the truth was revealed.

I realised his lack of emotion about not seeing his daughter, was due to him just not caring. His daughter was out of sight, out of mind. He had a new victim to play with. Me. He discarded his ex wife and daughter in such a bizarre and toxic way, and he never shed a single tear. I assumed when he didn’t care about pursuing contact with his daughter in the first few years following their separation, was just him giving in to his ‘horrible ex wife’. Now I realise he didn’t care about seeing his daughter. Me pushing him to seek contact and get court orders for contact – was not what he wanted at all.

I told his ex that it was me that pushed all the contact legal action. I told her he never shed a tear over his daughter and she said she already knew that.

I also told her about all the psychological, emotional and sexual abuse to me. And I confirmed that what she endured with his financial abandonment to his daughter, was financial abuse. Plus all the affairs he had within their marriage and no doubt in mine.

We also both realise he never has/had friends and was ignorant and barely speaks around people – because he has no use for most people. He has no concept of actually thinking about others in a way that is needed for friendships. He has no emotional connection with anyone. As sociopaths don’t.

It was helpful or us both to validate each others treatment by this heinous man. We also both agreed that if he loved either of us, or our children – he would have wanted us to have been the healthiest and happiest women and parents. But, instead he destroyed us both. My health is destroyed and she has never worked since their divorce due to health issues created in their marriage.

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Not Surprised A Member Of The Narcissist Ministers’s Baptist Church – Has Reached Out To Me For Help

Recently a church member – where the abusive narcissist minister resides – reached out to me – as their church is now “fractured”.

Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. A fractured church is exactly what a narcissist minister will have. There will never be peace, or anything healthy – when a narcissist is in charge.

The person who reached out wanted to know what I endured and how those affected can heal.

I wrote back, explaining narcissism, how it’s not treatable, they do not change, it’s all about his ego, he doesn’t know God, his ego and character disturbed issues are his god. I also explained he would need to be ousted – for that church to heal.

In the past – I prayed for discerning people at that church – to work him out. It seems my prayers were answered. I will continue to pray for their wisdom and discernment on how to proceed. It’s not my responsibility any more. I did all I could to stop people getting hurt.

The Baptists church failed to deal with it appropriately and they have now allowed more people to get hurt. That’s on them, and the narcissist minister.

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Dealing With The Trauma Of 18 Years Married To A Sociopath Rapist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve been very quiet on this blog – for several reasons. It’s been a very hard 6 months and I’m still dealing with the trauma every day.

I’ve been diagnosed with Vaso Vagal Nerve Damage – caused by extreme distress – as per a cardiologist. The cardiologist knows my history and stated the domestic violence I have endured for the last 18 years – is the cause of this untreatable, irreversible nerve damage – which causes me to have orthostatic hypotension and I am unable to work. I am disabled.

My health was fine when I met my husband 18 years ago. I was working and could exercise hard. The slow insidious abuse inflicted by my husband being a sociopath and sex abuser – destroyed my health. It is the reason for my PTSD breakdown 6 years ago.

Through counselling (which my counsellor admits she has made big mistakes in at times) – I have had to understand my husband is a narcissistic sociopath – no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame, exploitative, overwhelmingly selfish, pathological liar, enjoys hurting people, enjoys seeing people hurt and upset (even children) and enjoyed coercing a sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex.

My counsellor arranged for him to have counselling with a psychologist who specialises in sex offenders/abusers. But, before the psychologist was able to start dealing with his sex abuser issues – my husband quit counselling. She has stated what he did was sexual abuse and rape. 

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Cancelled My Meeting With The Church Minister – To Protect Myself

I was supposed to meet today with the female minister of the church I take my boys to.  She’s a nice woman. The church seems okay. But, I just can’t talk to anyone. The anxiety I get from thinking about talking to someone and dreading their response, is overwhelming. It literally makes me ill.

I am so unwell, I cannot take anymore minimizing, abuser excusers, people invalidating my pain and projecting their opinions on me – harming me in the process. And their lack of empathy and conscience in the process.

I’ve had that all my life and I am too ill to take it anymore.

The recent issues coming to a very abrupt and traumatic end with my counsellor, has caused so much damage. It took me several years to build up to the point where I could talk about the severity of all the abuse, the toxic and heinous characters of the abusers. To have that minimized and trivialised in the manner it was by my former counsellor and the way it ended, is beyond painful.

To think of yet another person doing more of that – is not something I can ever take any chances on happening again. Especially church people.  And as anyone with any intelligence knows – church people are often the worst for abusing abuse victims with their victim blaming/shaming attitudes.

I am so ill and so broken I am not in a position to take the risk of more trauma. I have to protect myself and withdraw to be safe. To cope. Continue reading


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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.

When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.

It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.

People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.

People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.

I’m past caring now. It is what it is.

I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.

I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading