Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


2 Comments

Validation of my intelligence is good …. but it doesn’t reduce the pain, or the aloneness.

The last couple of counselling sessions, have resulted in a lot of validation. It was stated I am far more able to clearly see my trauma history and understand toxic/unhealthy people and their motivations and issues, than at any point in my life. I am far more able to speak up about all I know, understand and express the depth of that understanding.

This has all been validated. Along with being told that I am a very intelligent woman, with a capacity to think things deeply and rationally. To a much deeper level than average. And what people cannot understand – they will reject. So rejection features a lot in my life. It’s always the default for people who don’t understand something, to reject it. Few people ‘get me’. That’s the reality I am enduring.

Also validated, was my understanding of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting in all it’s many forms. Plus, why it happens, the motivations for it, and why it is so wrong. I understand people’s motivations are very often not at all what they delude themselves they are. Rarely do egocentric, selfish, narcissistic, unhealthy, irrational, character disturbed, or delusional people – ever admit their true motivations and issues. They reside within lives of delusions, fantasies, lies and irrational thinking. I understand that very clearly. And how much this occurs throughout humanity.

And I can now verbally express all this, far more easily and with considerable clarity. Which is about my healing/growth.

This includes the depth of my understanding of all the harmful people who have abused me throughout my life.  Including my husband. Who it was confirmed, is highly narcissistic, with sociopathic traits. And it was validated he comes from a highly dysfunctional, narcissistic family. It was helpful to have this validation. And that I was duped, manipulated and exploited. I was not in fact looking for an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship. I fell in love with a man who did not exist. I fell in love with a fantasy my husband (and his parents) believe about himself. Who lied from day one. And he continued on with his selfish, manipulative, deceitful and toxic ways, for 16 years. Stealing from me the right I had to find someone genuinely good/ healthy/ decent/ trustworthy, who would be a good husband and good father. Plus, the validation of how I know this man never loved me, never cared about me, and is in fact incapable of love, due to the depths of his fantasy/delusion about himself. And I’m glad my counsellor has done counselling with him, as that is further validation, based on her own therapy with him.

But, all this validation, does not take away my reality, that I am different to most people. Feeling different, is something I have always felt, and continue to feel. And it makes me feel so terribly alone. And that was validated as a very real situation I am in. It is not a ‘complex trauma irrational issue’. It is a very real issue, with very valid reasons why, which are not about anything wrong with me. But in fact, are due to deeper intelligence skills.

always an unusual

The validation of all this, is good. It helps in knowing I am correct in my thinking. But, it doesn’t take the aloneness away. Just because I understand why I am so different to most people, doesn’t make me feel less alone. Or make it less painful. In fact, it makes it worse. Continue reading


5 Comments

Feedback for Lilly Hope Lucario – “I am so thankful and inspired by your work. You’re a true healer”.

Fullscreen capture 15082016 95027 PM

I put myself in a vulnerable position, when I share my deeper and more complex areas of my journey, on social media. It opens me up – to receiving shitty & nasty responses, trolls etc. And I have my share of these.

But, when I see feedback like this and comments that are similar, I know it makes the vulnerability – worth it.

I don’t believe I have all the answers, or insight into every journey to healing complex trauma. But, I do have insight into mine, and an ability to express that and share that, with others. In a way that helps validate, helps support. Helps people understand themselves more.

For that, I am thankful. Continue reading


Leave a comment

Went to counselling yesterday, and it went much better than I expected.

Upon the insistence of my husband, I went to see my doctor/counsellor yesterday.

I was very defensive to start with – I am not good with conflict of any kind. I always assume people are annoyed/angry with me for telling them I am hurt, feel unsafe, not happy about stuff etc. My past coping strategy for this has been complete avoidance, or people please.

So, it was hard. And I struggled. But, I did it. Once I could actually start talking, and the words weren’t stuck in my throat, it kinda flowed out and I did manage to say most of the stuff that has been building and bothering me.

How I need to be allowed to express all my needed emotions about people who have intentionally harmed me. How I cannot handle anything that seems to be about abuse minimizing and abuser enabling, or making excuses for abusive people. Why I label people. Why I need to view ‘bad’ people as what they are ‘bad’ people.

How there is a big difference between people who intentionally…..and non intentionally harm people. How there is a big difference between people who plan to harm people, lie, deny and then do all the usual minimizing, projecting etc…..and people who are remorseful and ‘own’ what they have done.

How I do not have to have nice feelings about ‘bad’ people. I do not have to feel sorry for them. I do not have to like them. But, how I have never had revengeful, harmful thoughts about abusive people – I just want appropriate actions taken, so they are told what they are doing for their own good, so they don’t hurt anyone else. And how having empathy for future victims – seems rare. Continue reading


Leave a comment

‘Focus on a positive attitude’ – not wise advice for healing abuse survivors.

I know the ‘positivity fountains’ will be spluttering at how wrong I am…but I am not.
Focussing only on a ‘positive attitude’ is not actually wise advice, for unhealed, or healing survivors of abuse.
And my insight into this, has been validated by mental health professionals, as correct.
Unhealed wounds, never heal, if suppressed and avoided by ‘looking for the positives’.
And I know from personal experience, it only makes it worse, long term.
Lilly ❤

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Society promotes the whole ‘focus on a positive attitude’ as being the answer for anything.

Church people like to do focus on ‘count your blessings’.

Neither of these are helpful, or appropriate advice to give to people who are trying to heal severe abuse and trauma. All these do, is avoid suppress, ignore the emotions needed to process the trauma, the emotions needed to grieve. Suppression is never healthy when it comes to abuse and trauma.

How do I know this….because I did it myself for 20 years. And it made my current situation worse.

I did what society and unwise people demand – moved on, got over it, made a life, tried to never think about my past, worked hard, exercised hard, focussed on enjoying myself blah blah blah…

And all that did was suppress the deeply painful emotions and severe trauma, that needed to have been dealt with…

View original post 267 more words


Leave a comment

An interesting day…a man charged with 5 counts of fraud, two apologies and a narcissist revealed.

My day started, with the good news that a man who I had worked out was casing a lot of people harm, had been arrested for fraud.  

Then, I received two apologies, from people who had been involved with the bullying and harassment, I received, when I exposed this man.

I was dubious about accepting the apologies, as so much had gone on, but I did, because I believe everyone should be given a chance to put it right, and it takes courage to apologise – publicly.

So, I was thankful for that and willing to accept the apologies and just tread carefully and see how it goes.

One person, who had sided with this man, however, decided to tell me that doing all of this – informing the police – was ‘petty and inconsequential’, because she couldn’t accept what she had done wrong, that she had sided with a liar/fraud and she clearly couldn’t apologise and made herself look even worse, by showing how uncaring she is, about people with PTSD, getting harmed by fraud. She clearly thinks it’s okay that someone was harming others and she supported that.

Continue reading


2 Comments

My insight and discernment into others, validated. Again.

I can discern when people have narcissistic and sociopathic traits. I can spot it easily. My red flag detector is highly accurate.

This has been proven yet again, by me detecting – from the other side of the world – a man who is a liar, bully and high level traits that indicate to me he capable of much harm.

This also shows my capacity to ‘not let it go’ is needed, when it comes to these people.

People who ‘let it go’ do so for their own needs. To give themselves an easy life.

Whereas, I have integrity and strength to not let it go – not when other people are going to get hurt.

I have the courage to stand up to them and do something about it.

Out of 1000’s of people who only knew this man via the internet, very few worked him out. I was one of them. I worked him out quickly.

And was then cyber stalked, harassed, by him and all his apath followers. And they were all wrong. They made a decision to not believe me and I received a load of hassle, bullying, back from them as a result.

This has happened several times in my life. And each of these times, I have been deeply hurt.

1. It happened when a psychopath went to prison. I went through massive trauma due to the court case. I got hassle and abuse from people who wanted to not believe me. But, the police 100% believed me. The jury and judge believed me. Validation. Continue reading


10 Comments

Simon Bucken – arrested on suspicion of 5 counts of fraud.

Fullscreen capture 28082014 82243 AM-001

http://www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk/news/latest-news/top-stories/leeds-soldier-simon-buckden-arrested-over-fraud-allegations-1-6808427?utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=dlvr.it

This is the man that bullied, harassed and stalked me and many others online. Fake accounts set up.

Hater Twitter account and hater Facebook page set up about me. Disgusting lies told about me.

Had his supporters call me names like ‘psycho’, lie about me.  All their messages about me on Twitter, causing me hurt and anxiety.

My motivation was only ever to warn and try to protect people, by exposing it all and in the process I went through a lot of crap, that I really didn’t need, as I am in the middle of all my own severe trauma processing.

But, I did it anyway, because I HATE seeing vulnerable people taken advantage of. Continue reading