I’m aware of the levels of victim shaming, victim blaming and shame shifting that goes on in society. Especially with church people.
I’ve recently had it in counselling. Again. I wasn’t okay as it was said and I’m far from okay with it now. Often it takes me time to work out why something was not okay. And it’s one of several reasons for quitting counselling.
My counsellor – in a highly un-empathic way and insensitive way – decided to label all I have done online and here on my blog over the last 4 years, as me being ‘seduced by trauma’.
So in other words, I ‘chose’ to keep myself in a state of thinking about trauma. Which is utter fucking BS. I have severe PTSD and I have no choice in thinking about trauma. I spent 2 decades from 20-40 desperately trying to avoid thinking about trauma. So to suggest I have been willingly making myself think about trauma, is disgusting.
Doing all I have done online, in many ways has saved my life. I had a breakdown, due to church people abusing me, which pushed me over the edge of coping. My writing, reaching out, my work online, all became a way for me to cope. Because only online, did I find anyone who ‘gets it’.
And it is such re-traumatising language. ‘Seduced by trauma’. What a pathetic attempt at victim blaming, victim shaming. It’s the same abusive rhetoric paedophile priests use to blame the children for ‘seducing’ them. It’s the same abusive rhetoric many abusive and toxic people use, to victim blame.
But, that’s church people for you. Victim blaming and victim shaming is what many of them choose to believe in. Continue reading
Sadly, these are also some of the attitudes of survivors of abuse too. They choose to minimize or invalidate their own trauma and other people’s trauma, to cope. And they then demand other people do the same. They can also make excuses for the abuser – to make it all feel better. Or they will demand that ‘forgiveness’ is necessary and shame other survivors, or demand ‘forgive and forget’ is the way to deal with it. They will also use phrases such as ‘let it go, move on’.
All unhealthy attitudes, that do not aid healing. So, I do advise people ignore such unhealthy attitudes. Continue reading
It is becoming increasingly evident to me, of the rhetoric within the mental health profession, of focussing on the how the victim of harmful toxic behaviour ‘should’ think respond, react. And shaming them for reacting with emotions such as anger.
Within the last few weeks, I have faced seeing a book written by a mental health professional stating ‘there are no victims, there are no villains’. ‘There are no angels there are no demons’. (Note ‘there are no angels implies the victim is somehow at fault and minimizing the responsibility of the perpetrator). With no clarification this is only referencing your average families, with average behaviours. No clarification this not at all appropriate for situations where intentional ongoing abuse is occurring.
There are indeed victims and villains, angels and demons and it is incredible toxic to suggest differently.
I’ve also been following a page of a well know marriage guidance mental health profession team – a husband and wife team – with the perfect marriage – telling everyone else how they should act and respond. As per their rhetoric – you ‘should never’ respond to anything from your spouse, with accusations, contempt, anger etc. No matter what they are doing. You should always remain calm, and not upset the other person. Criticising, contempt, accusations of ‘any’ kind – makes ‘you’ the bad person. Again – no clarification that this only applies to your average, surface, minor marriage issues. So as per this duo, you should never respond to an affair, constant lying, constant disrespect, emotional abuse etc from your partner – with anger, disgust, contempt, criticism etc.
Total bullshit. You have every right to be angry, to criticise toxic behaviour and show contempt and disgust…. for intentional abusive behaviour.
Both of these attitudes perpetuated by these ‘professionals’ are about invalidating, normalising and minimizing abusive behaviour….. and shifting the focus and responsibility away from the perpetrator and shaming the victim for their needed, normal and human appropriate responses.
So, as per these professionals, you are supposed to never accept you are being victimised, remain completely calm, not be angry with the perpetrator, and just remain calm and zen like and not upset the perpetrator, in any way. Or define they as abusers. And if you do – you are the bad person.
See the shame shifting there. I see it clearly. Continue reading
Replace the word ‘rape’ with ‘murder’ and see how absurd victim blaming and victim shaming is.
As an advocate against victim shaming, I see very clearly the word ‘victim’ – when related to abuse, is seen by many to be ‘shameful’.
Even the phrase ‘don’t be a victim’ – perpetuated in the mental health/illness field – is shaming victims. Psychologists, counsellors etc – all too often shame victims and buy into this victim shaming damage, due to not having the insight and empathy, to see the damage it causes.
Victims of abuse, perpetuate this shaming. Demanding they are not victims, they are survivors, or some other phrase. The reality is – we are victims, and the consequences of being a victim, continue on long past the actual abusive event(s).
To demand the term ‘victim’ is not used or applied, is shaming in itself. Continue reading