People who do this, are toxic too.
People who do this, are toxic too.
Throughout my work as an advocate for abuse survivors, I have seen a considerable amount of victim shaming, victim blaming and shame shifting. And I see the bigger picture of how much harm this causes.
Many abuse survivors are not ‘stronger’ after the abuse they have suffered. And for those who claim they are – that’s great, but it is very narcissistic to then look down on those who are struggling and mock, belittle and/or shame those who are deemed to not be ‘as strong’.
Many abuse survivors already feel considerable shame, due to the abuse they have suffered and when they are treated in this victim shaming way, that shame increases, and often leads to increased mental health issues, and can lead to suicide. When shamed for not being ‘strong enough’ – survivors can feel a burden, useless and weak. For those who have spiralled down to suicidal thoughts – this added shame can push them over the edge.
If you think about it – it doesn’t even make sense that every survivor of heinous, severe abuse – would be stronger as a result. Would anyone expect a person who has severe life impacting physical health issues, to be stronger? Of course not. Many abuse survivors have debilitating mental health issues, and many also endure physical health issues, which are life impacting and very difficult to manage. And that is not through any fault of the survivor, it is entirely the responsibility of the perpetrator(s) of the abuse.
It truly is a lack of empathy to insinuate any abuse survivor is ‘acting like a victim’ or ‘choosing to dwell in victimhood’ – when the fact is – no-one else knows the extent to which the abuse has affected the survivor. There are many factors that are beyond the survivors control, that affect coping and healing. And true empathy knows that.
Yet, I see these shaming terms perpetuated around social media and the internet. Far too many mental health professionals also choose to victim shame, and each one of those is blocked by me, as I will not tolerate it, condone it, or enable it.
As a highly insightful abuse survivor and therapist Pete Walker stated about complex trauma survivors….
For many such clients, we are their first legitimate shot at a safe and nurturing relationship. If we are not skilled enough to create the degree of safety they need to begin the long journey towards developing good enough trust, we may be their last.
Empathy is vital for severe abuse survivors, and shaming complex trauma survivors – creates considerable fear and a huge lack of safety. This causing the survivor to withdraw and possibly never reach out again for help. And the therapy offered, will require considerable effort to develop and maintain the degree of trust required for any therapeutic benefit. Shame should have no place in a complex trauma survivor’s therapy relationship.
See here for more info for therapists treating complex trauma. Continue reading →
I’m aware of the levels of victim shaming, victim blaming and shame shifting that goes on in society. Especially with church people.
I’ve recently had it in counselling. Again. I wasn’t okay as it was said and I’m far from okay with it now. Often it takes me time to work out why something was not okay. And it’s one of several reasons for quitting counselling.
My counsellor – in a highly un-empathic way and insensitive way – decided to label all I have done online and here on my blog over the last 4 years, as me being ‘seduced by trauma’.
So in other words, I ‘chose’ to keep myself in a state of thinking about trauma. Which is utter fucking BS. I have severe PTSD and I have no choice in thinking about trauma. I spent 2 decades from 20-40 desperately trying to avoid thinking about trauma. So to suggest I have been willingly making myself think about trauma, is disgusting.
Doing all I have done online, in many ways has saved my life. I had a breakdown, due to church people abusing me, which pushed me over the edge of coping. My writing, reaching out, my work online, all became a way for me to cope. Because only online, did I find anyone who ‘gets it’.
And it is such re-traumatising language. ‘Seduced by trauma’. What a pathetic attempt at victim blaming, victim shaming. It’s the same abusive rhetoric paedophile priests use to blame the children for ‘seducing’ them. It’s the same abusive rhetoric many abusive and toxic people use, to victim blame.
But, that’s church people for you. Victim blaming and victim shaming is what many of them choose to believe in. Continue reading →