Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Child sexual abuse is tolerated in Nepal and is why I will volunteer there.

This and the huge amount of abuse condoned and tolerated in Nepal, is why I support decent orphanages – not the 50% that are selling children, abusing children and used for paedophiles to access children.

The massive levels of abuse, is why I will volunteer over there, with decent orphanages and be an adult that offers unconditional love to these children, because every child needs to see that and the more people who do this, the more the children see adults who care.


Nepal adoptions chief raped and groomed orphans for prostitution, claims British teacher

A British woman who adopted a five year old blind girl from a Nepalese orphanage believes she uncovered an abuse and vice ring after her new daughter said she’d been raped every Saturday. Continue reading

Going to counselling tomorrow.

My doctor, who has been doing my counselling, contacted me yesterday. She respected my decision to stop counselling but I know she feels that is the wrong decision and offered to be available should I change my mind.

I explained what my husband has said, and she agreed with him. I was pretty upfront in my emails to her about where I am at, and it isn’t good.

She offered that I can see her tomorrow, which is very kind of her, as I know how busy she is. I know it’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes, we have to realise, we do need help, and maybe we aren’t making the best decisions for ourselves. which scares the crap out of me.

Having been someone all my adult life, who has needed to be in control of everything I have ever done since the age of 20, and fiercely protected my independence and not been willing to let people ‘know what’s best for me’ – due to so much abuse, this is hard for me.

Giving other people, any say/control of ‘what is best for me’ – freaks me out. Which I know is irrational, now in this current situation. But, I also see it is needed, even though I have anxiety, just writing this.

It makes me ‘vulnerable’ to other people – and that is a very fear inducing issue to me.

But, that’s okay I guess. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a church minister, who I thought I knew and could trust, and that vulnerability was abused and my trust in him trashed. Which made my fear of trust and being vulnerable, so much worse. He used my deep need for non sexual intimacy and trust and used it for his own needs. And that was recent trauma. And it’s interesting how I saw him two days ago, in the midst of this occurring, which is weirdly appropriate for what I am now facing. Trust. Non sexual intimacy with people. Relying on others.

I wrote about this ‘vulnerability’ and how I ‘don’t do’ trust/intimacy in relationships of any kind and my absolute complete fear of that now, is something I will struggle with.

But, as the saying goes…if you are going through hell…keep going.


My motivation for wanting to go to Nepal…

A Nepalese street child sleeps on Thamel street

I have done my research and I have thought a lot about the life of a street child in Nepal, or in abusive orphanages, as some are.

I don’t have some romantic denial of how it will be when I get there. I’m not going to ‘get anything back’. I will be going because I believe that every child needs to know that there are some people who will treat them with respect, and because they deserve to be treated well – regardless of what they do in return.

I know these children will be deeply untrusting, highly suspicious, will probably lie, steal if they could, will not trust me and I don’t believe it will be all hugs and like some D grade TV movie.

I’m expecting to be treated the way they treat anyone else – but will still offer them respect and care anyway.

No child should have to endure a life of only adults who use, abuse and treat them like they have no worth.

I want to show them a little of how they should be treated. Because the more that do this, the better. Some will say it is a waste of time. But, no child and no effort is ‘ever’ a waste of time. Continue reading


I find watching celebrities, wear less and less sad. Like Beyonce.

I used to really like Beyoncé, and her music video’s. They were about being a strong woman, but she had morals, and integrity to modesty.

But, over time, this has reduced and now she is regularly semi-naked and sexually gyrating in video’s.

I see headlines, as I am searching online news, and saw this one today “Beyoncé poses topless”.

Now, I have been no prude in my life. My lifestyle in the past has been nothing to be proud of. Wearing next to nothing and clubbing, one night stands ‘girls gone wild’ style – were my part of my life. But, now I wish that had had a different lifestyle. I had no self worth and assumed this was about having self esteem and confidence.

But, I disrespected myself continually. Even in the way I dressed, let alone any of what I did. I degraded myself.

So, I am not judging. I just feel sad that Beyoncé feels the need to remove more and more clothing and become trashy and less mature as she gets older. She is beautiful, talented, amazing singer, dancer – she does not need to wear little and sexualise herself in this way. She says it’s about feminism and empowering women – I disagree, it’s degrading yourself. Continue reading


Christianity – clean up your own backyard, before judging non Christians sins.

I just had to remind a conservative Christian, that we are not to judge non Christians, for what some Christians believe to be ‘worse’ sins – abortion. And the other favourite to be bullies about – being gay.

There is so much abuse within Christianity – how about Christians focus on discussing that?

It is so true that these hard line conservative Christian views, are being linked through neuroscience, with lower IQ, lower EQ and narcissism/sociopathy, egocentricity.

Christians – focus on Christianity’s issues okay.

Like abuse. Like child abuse. Like domestic abuse. Like physical abuse to children. Like narcissism. Like judgment. Like intolerance. Like not acting like Jesus. All abundant behaviours within Christianity.

And learn some Christian psychology and neuroscience.

Christianity really is a breeding ground for these hard line, conservative, non tolerant, abusive type people, who like to abuse the Bible – to make others feel bad.

I see so clearly how conservative Christianity breeds narcissists and sociopathic traits.

Complete the opposite of Jesus, in all ways.

Of course, they will demand that they are ‘keeping the truth to the Bible’ – and their restricted cognitive capacity, restricted empathy, restricted love capacity – will keep them within their ‘entitled’, very un-Christ like mentality.

I truly hate seeing Christ and His word, used to abuse and speak hatred, whilst they of course – ignore their own deep issues.

I cannot ignore the suffering of children.

This picture breaks my heart and makes me cry, every time I see it. Because it makes me think about how if this were my sons, I would want people to care about them.

And I have put myself in the shoes of these children, to feel some of the pain, suffering, trauma they feel and endure every day, which is empathy.

The only difference between my sons, and these boys, is where we were ‘blessed’ have been born.

But, I cannot ignore these children suffering.

We are blessed to help others, in need.

When you are going through hell….


Wow! Put a google search for ‘complex trauma’ and my website listed 5th & this blog 7th!

WOW!! This seriously freaks me out!


I knew google searches for terms such as ‘healing from complex trauma’ – led to high search result for my website and blog – but just ‘complex trauma’ – wow!

Complex trauma is a pretty vague search term, as there is a lot of info out there, from professional websites, professional organisations – and my little website and this blog are 5th & 7th!

Just shows how popular they both are and how much attention they receive.

I was shocked when fiddling with widgets the other day when changing this blog and the theme etc, and I added the blog stats counter and this blog has had over 67,000 hits, in less than a year.


And lets face it – it isn’t a nice subject I write about. It’s yucky stuff.

All I can say is PRAISE Jesus!!! Because I do know I could not do that without Him.

It does make me think, I should definitely start writing books, to help more people – because the stuff I write, is obviously needed.

And, today I am going to allow myself a little pride (just a smidgen) and some self satisfaction and healthy acknowledgment of the fact that I really am achieving something good in all this.

I am doing good.


“Is my view in keeping with God being perfect & there is no evil in God?”


This is what Christians need to be asking themselves?

There is no evil in God.

God is perfect.

God does not want to put anyone in hell – that would be evil.

God does not hate us – that would be evil.

God does not want revenge against evil – because that would be evil.

The issues of God putting Jesus – His only son on the cross to die just for our sins, because we don’t live up to His expectations, so he thrashed Jesus, instead of us…..so God is some kind of child abuser…


Jesus, was God in human form, and He died on the cross – to not repay evil with evil.

Jesus dying on the cross was a stand against all evil.

Jesus refused to hurt these people wanting to kill Him, because He is perfect.

Jesus – God in human form – his death on the cross was a cosmological deliverance from evil for us all. Continue reading


Hetty Johnston – such an inspirational woman, along with the others leading this organisation.

The more I read about Bravehearts and it’s founder, the more inspired and hopeful I am.

Praise God for these people and their willingness to advocate for children.

I don’t care that they are not a Christian organisation – after all what has Christianity done for children – sweet F.A. All Christianity has done – is protect and enable abusers and re-traumatise and hurt the victims.

The Bible speaks of protecting the weak, oppressed and poor – of which children are. They are weak, because they cannot protect themselves like an adult. They are oppressed, by sinful increasing numbers of paedophiles and sex offenders. They are oppressed – by pathetic legal systems that don’t protect them.

Bravehearts has done more for children’s rights and protection – than Christianity. The Royal Commission had to force Christianity to admit all it’s abusive and immoral ways of dealing with abuse within it’s own back yards. And yet they feel ‘entitled’ to tell non Christians what they do wrong. Hypocrites. Many of them live in denial and worship a false jesus. They continually repeat traumatise and spiritually abuse victims, by failing to support them, and are abusive to them with their cruel forcing of forgiveness, reconciliation and compassion for people who have done evil to them. A lot of Christians, are abusive people themselves – who often don’t really understand what they are doing is abuse – due to the mind control they have given in to – which is a kind of insanity – when you think you are doing nothing wrong and yet you are hurting victims and don’t care – with no remorse..

So Bravehearts is an amazing organisation, and fits my passion for advocating for Children’s Rights, and against paedophiles, wanting to toughen us legislation and sentencing laws etc.

If I am able, I would love to volunteer some time with this organisation.

Hetty Johnston

Founder and Executive Director of Bravehearts Inc.

A born lobbyist, Hetty is a woman of passion and determination who has succeeded in highlighting the issue of pedophilia within media, families, schools and the general community both nationally and internationally.

In 2005, Hetty was announced as a finalist for the 2006 Australian of the Year Awards – she is the recipient of two Australian Lawyers Alliance Civil Justice Awards (2003,2004) and was named a finalist in the 2008 Suncorp Queenslander of the Year Awards.

In early 2009, Hetty was recognised as one of approximately 70 outstanding leaders throughout the world, receiving the prestigious annual Toastmasters International Communication and Leadership award.

Since establishing Bravehearts in 1997, Hetty has: Continue reading