I can intellectually and rationally explain why this is my greatest fear, what caused this, how to address it and what is needed to manage and cope with this….
But, when I am hurt, get triggered, in emotional flashbacks….this fear is so great within me…burned into my very core and every fibre of my being….this fear over-rides everything.
I have to accept I have endured so much trauma, from so many people, that this is my normal state of being….fear. And it drives me to life threatening emotional states.
Trauma over the last few years, has damaged my healing, damaged further any capacity to trust and I have to take it easy and slowly heal all this.
I know I need to stay away from potentially toxic and traumatised/triggering situations/people.
I won’t heal, unless I start doing all of what I need.
Pete Walker, has deep insight into complex trauma within childhood.
Emotional flashbacks, are something many don’t realise they are enduring, until they understand what they are, why they are occurring and learn how to identify them.
They are the hardest flashbacks to understand and identify, and many just assume they are feeling emotional. Often they will be described by others, as being over-emotional, or over sensitive.
I am still struggling with mine. But, I am aware, when I feel scared, vulnerable, fearful, lost, completely alone…I am experiencing not just what may have hurt me now, but the issue has triggered emotions from the past too. I know my inner child is suffering. Continue reading
Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough
~ By Lilly Hope Lucario
Vulnerable and fragile
Unsafe and scared
Residing in emotions
My inner child endures
No-one safe enough
So she stays withdrawn
Fearful of being hurt
All her wounds still raw
Everyone will hurt her
She knows not to trust
Any hint of danger
She runs and hides Continue reading
I protect my vulnerability and fragility, fiercely.
I am aware, this means I don’t trust people.
I am aware when people show me anything that signals as a red flag, I shut down and they become someone who resides on the list of people I cannot be vulnerable with.
So far, everyone is on that list.
I am also aware, due to human weakness we all have, everyone I meet, will always end up on that list.
My trust issues…..are also huge issues and barriers, for my healing process.
My needy inner child
Desperately searches for
What she never had
Scared to her core
To face and know
You cannot be
What I need
For the child in me
Words I fear
You are in my heart
This pain severe
To let go
And lose these dreams
Of the search ending
Fragile, unheard screams
I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.
I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.
I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.
It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.
Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading
So many people say vulnerability, feeling scared, feeling fragile are all so wrong.
Well, in society terms I am a failure, weak and pathetic.
But, I am honest.
And this is how I feel, increasingly.
Or maybe, not increasingly, but I just acknowledge it more.
I feel it a lot. I feel unsafe.
I have most of my life.