Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


1 Comment

Sure is my ultimate fear now…being vulnerable, getting hurt and being abandoned.

10620770_547145795422942_7365751091357799356_n

I can intellectually and rationally explain why this is my greatest fear, what caused this, how to address it and what is needed to manage and cope with this….

But, when I am hurt, get triggered, in emotional flashbacks….this fear is so great within me…burned into my very core and every fibre of my being….this fear over-rides everything.

I have to accept I have endured so much trauma, from so many people, that this is my normal state of being….fear. And it drives me to life threatening emotional states.

Trauma over the last few years, has damaged my healing, damaged further any capacity to trust and I have to take it easy and slowly heal all this.

I know I need to stay away from potentially toxic and traumatised/triggering situations/people.

I won’t heal, unless I start doing all of what I need.


4 Comments

Emotional Flashbacks, are very real & many don’t realise they are occurring.

Pete Walker, has deep insight into complex trauma within childhood.

Emotional flashbacks, are something many don’t realise they are enduring, until they understand what they are, why they are occurring and learn how to identify them.

They are the hardest flashbacks to understand and identify, and many just assume they are feeling emotional. Often they will be described by others, as being over-emotional, or over sensitive.

I am still struggling with mine. But, I am aware, when I feel scared, vulnerable, fearful, lost, completely alone…I am experiencing not just what may have hurt me now, but the issue has triggered emotions from the past too. I know my inner child is suffering. Continue reading


3 Comments

Poem – No Relationship Safe Enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

.

Vulnerable and fragile

Unsafe and scared

Residing in emotions

My inner child endures

.
No-one safe enough

So she stays withdrawn

Fearful of being hurt

All her wounds still raw

.
Everyone will hurt her

She knows not to trust

Any hint of danger

She runs and hides Continue reading


Beautiful words, sent to me by a Twitter follower.

BviPIT5CEAAmAiX

This was sent to me, with the words “I am grateful you are here for us”.

Posters like this one, really mean something to me.

Words like these, make me cry, because all these words, are who I am and someone has recognised that, and celebrates, appreciates and encourages all of who I am.

*tears*


She needed strong emotional boundaries now…

 

I protect my vulnerability and fragility, fiercely.

I am aware, this means I don’t trust people.

I am aware when people show me anything that signals as a red flag, I shut down and they become someone who resides on the list of people I cannot be vulnerable with.

So far, everyone is on that list.

I am also aware, due to human weakness we all have, everyone I meet, will always end up on that list.

My trust issues…..are also huge issues and barriers, for my healing process.


6 Comments

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

.

To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

.

‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart

This pain severe

.

To let go

And lose these dreams

Of the search ending

Fragile, unheard screams

Continue reading


I always form the wrong attachments & when they end, it is devastating.

I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.

I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.

I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.

It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.

Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading


My song, when I feel vulnerable, scared, small and needy.

 

So many people say vulnerability, feeling scared, feeling fragile are all so wrong.

Well, in society terms I am a failure, weak and pathetic.

But, I am honest.

And this is how I feel, increasingly.

Or maybe, not increasingly, but I just acknowledge it more.

I feel it a lot. I feel unsafe.

I have most of my life.