Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have always dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.

The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.

I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.

I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimum and doesn’t have willingness to change that.

I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.

My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.

I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that. Continue reading

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I Just Need Empathy At Times When I’m Really Low ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

empathy 1

 

I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.

One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.

It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.

I even told her of a quote I read…

“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.

Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”

~ unknown

Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.

I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.

But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.

I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.

So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me. Continue reading


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Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive

justwanttodie

 

I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.

I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.

But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.

I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.

I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.

I just want peace.

I just want this hell to end.

I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then Continue reading


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When You Are Too Depressed To Attend ‘You Should Be Positive’ Therapy

I’ve quit counselling for the next month. I need a break from hearing what I should be doing and thinking.

I’m struggling to get through each day……. with good reason. But, apparently that’s not good enough.

My whole life is never ‘good enough’.

I can’t fake feeling better than I do, or sit there and tell her what she wants to hear. Which I’ve done in the past. But, I’m far too depressed to care anymore.

So, it’s best I just avoid therapy.

i'll be okay

 


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I Am So Thankful The Mighty Shared My Article On Their Main Page ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am so thankful to The Mighty staff, for considering my article for their main page.
I am thankful more awareness is being raised.

The feedback on their page was all really good, with people saying they relate to these issues highlighted in the article.

It’s my passion to raise understanding, awareness, education and compassion for complex trauma survivors.

So thankful for this opportunity given by The Mighty.

Continue reading