Victim Shaming Throughout Society Is More Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Throughout my work as an advocate and writer about abuse and trauma, it has become very clear and very concerning to me, as to the depths of victim shaming and victim blaming I see throughout society.

Just the simple and widely used phrase ‘don’t be a victim’ – is victim shaming and those with insight will understand why.

“There is no more shame in being a victim of abuse,

as there is a victim of any other crime.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have become an ‘anti-victim shaming warrior’ as a result of my life experiences, research and insight and I know the depths of harm it causes and how toxic it is. My aim is always to support survivors and to help them work out why different forms of abuse cause harm, with victim shaming being one of them.

Some will argue that victim shaming is not always meant with malice and I agree – but that doesn’t make it okay, or any less harmful and education is required to reduce it and support the victims/survivors.

This is a list of some of the types of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting and psychological abuse I see as a result.

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When Perpetrators Of The Abuse Are Family

There is a lot of shaming of abuse survivors, where the perpetrator is a family member, or collective dysfunctional/abusive family. Sayings like “but they’re family”, “she’s your mother, she did the best she could” and suggestions that family are exempt from being accountable for the abuse, are all ways survivors of abuse face being shamed for their needed emotions about being abused by family, and shamed for wanting healthy and needed boundaries from abusive family.

No-one has to tolerate ongoing abuse and harm – just because it’s from family members.

Survivors have a right to a full range of emotions about abusive family and every right to have safe boundaries to stop ongoing abuse.

“The amount of distance required away from

abusive family, is directly ‘relative’

to amount of harm they are choosing to

inflict and their unwillingness to stop”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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About Forgiving Abusers

This is common one I see throughout society, and within the abuse survivor community. Society has been so brainwashed by religious and spiritual abuse and the belief that you must forgive your abuser in order to heal and in order to be a ‘good person’. Neither of these are correct. A survivor of abuse can make a personal choice about forgiveness, but it is not okay to project that onto others. Survivors can heal and move on from the abuse, without forgiving the abuser. Some survivors of abuse find it empowering to forgive and some find it empowering not to. It is not an act of aggression to close the door to the past abuse and not look back.

Some survivors of abuse decide after considerable contemplation and soul searching, that it is simply not their responsibility or burden to forgive an unrepentant and unremorseful abuser. That is an educated and insightful decision. Not forgiving does not mean you hold onto anger. It does not mean you are a ‘bad/unkind person’. And it certainly is not weakness, or an act of spite or a character flaw. I see considerable shaming about this issue – even from other survivors. I also see how forced forgiveness, premature forgiveness and forgiving non-remorseful abusers, can actually be damaging to the survivor’s healing and can also allow abuse to continue.

I am thankful to see mental health professionals taking a stand on this and expressing their concern about the shaming issue of forgiveness.

For more info see:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-i-dont-use-the-word-forgiveness-in-trauma-therapy-0120164

https://evergreencounseling.com/why-you-dont-need-or-have-to-forgive-anyone-if-you-dont-want-or-feel-ready-to/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/when-forgiveness-isnt-a-v_b_8870524

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Not Being ‘Compassionate Enough’ For Their Abusers

Often people want to jump straight to assuming an abuser must have reasons why they became abusive and this somehow leads to being an ‘excuse’. Yes, there are reasons that may have led to someone becoming an abusive person, but they are not excuses. Abuse is a choice and that needs to be very clearly understood. Someone’s trauma and abuse history, is not an excuse to abuse someone. Many survivors of abuse and trauma do not go on to become abusive themselves, and this is a choice anyone can make.

In suggesting that an abuse survivor is not ‘compassionate enough’ about the abuser’s possible reasons for being abusive, this is inappropriate and victim shaming. An abuse survivor does not ‘have’ to feel compassion for someone who caused terrible pain and suffering and to say otherwise, is psychological abuse.

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When Abuse Victims React Back To The Abuser

This is a very clear issue I see occurring, where after ongoing and relentless abuse – the victim reacts backs to the perpetrator e.g. in anger, calls the abuser names, even hitting them back. This is not abuse – when it is a reaction to ongoing abuse and provocation. But, these actions are wrongly deemed by some to be abuse.

It is very unreasonable to assume a victim of ongoing abuse, should have perfect reactions and always remain calm. It is victim shaming to suggest that reactions that are out of the normal character for that victim’s behaviour, and only occurred due to ongoing and relentless abuse, are wrong. Even the most patient, loving, kind, empathic people can be pushed to react in ways they would never normally behave, under extreme provocation and after enduring ongoing abuse.

It’s also further psychological abuse when the abuser then claims to be ‘the victim’, due to these reactions to the abuse inflicted. This occurs very often with abusers and is part of their ongoing manipulation and gaslighting abuse.

It is very normal to be angry at being abused. It is healthy to feel anger at the injustices suffered and it is shows the victim loves themselves enough to be upset at the mistreatment and harm they have endured.

For more info see:

https://www.breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

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Not Leaving An Abusive Relationship ‘Soon Enough’

There are many very valid reasons why abuse victims don’t leave abusive relationships quickly. To suggest the abuse is their ‘own fault’ because they didn’t leave, is victim shaming and abusive. To suggest they are ‘asking for it’ if they stay or go back, is victim blaming and abusive.

The focus should not be “why didn’t he/she leave?” – it should be “why didn’t the perpetrator stop abusing?”.

For further info see:

Nuggets Of Healing Posts From June 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The moment I realised it was never my job or responsibility to stop an abuser being abusive – was a significant step in healing.
It was never my job to be a peacekeeper with a toxic abuser.
It was never my job to try to get an abuser to develop a conscience.
It was never my job to help an abuser learn empathy and kindness.
It was never my job to teach a grown adult decent behaviour.
It was never my job to accept non genuine apologies, or ignore the lack of remorse.
It was never my job to parent in a way that made up for the toxic parents’ abuse and poor role modelling.
It was never my job to walk on egg shells continually to reduce the abuser’s anger and moods.
It was never my job to make excuses for an abuser.
My job as a woman is to refuse to tolerate abuse, disrespect and callous behaviour by anyone, including abusive men.
My job as a human being is to know and only tolerate being loved, respected and treated with dignity and kindness.
My job as a mother is to teach my sons that abusing women and children is never okay, should never be justified and what love in a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and to tolerate nothing less.
I am not, was not, and will not ever be responsible for an abuser.
Period.

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With toxic abusers, like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – the survivor may feel like it’s unfair that they often don’t get any consequences for their choices to abuse people.

I don’t care whether they get consequences or not, because I know the toxic abuser will never be happy, never be fulfilled, never know what love is and never have healthy and genuine relationships.

The toxic abuser will always be shallow, empty, callous and alone….. no matter their situation.

Their punishment and consequences are who they are and who they choose to be.

Whereas, the survivor can go on to have everything the toxic abuser will never have. Real relationships, love, genuine connection, fulfilment, happiness and joy.

And knowing all this, is enough for me.

I don’t need to wish bad consequences for the toxic abuser – they’re already creating that for themselves.

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Thinking about toxic people who choose to cause terrible suffering on a ongoing basis… as heinous, vile, disgusting, evil etc….
Are very normal and healthy reactions and thought processes.
Is not a mental illness issue like ‘splitting’ or black and white distorted thinking.
It’s not a pathological response.
It’s not a lack of compassion for the abuser.
It’s completely normal to be disgusted.
You do not have to see ‘the good’ in an abuser.
You do not have to make excuses for an abuser.
It’s very healthy to consider ongoing abuse and the suffering it causes, as heinous.
It’s intelligence to know there are no valid excuses for causing ongoing abuse to another person.
Don’t let anyone shame you for your very normal and healthy response to ongoing abuse.

Feel free to call an abuser anything you want and don’t allow anyone to police your thoughts and feelings about abuse, or about the abuser.
And have very strong boundaries with anyone who believes otherwise.

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Love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.
You do not love someone, if you are choosing to harm them.
Love doesn’t hurt.
When you love someone – you want the best for them, you want them to be happy and you care about their needs.
And this includes all forms of abuse: emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, spiritual and physical.
This also includes: continual lying, manipulating, selfish behaviours, cheating, deceiving, gaslighting and having no remorse for harm caused.
Love – doesn’t do any of these.
Period.
I repeat – love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.

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I made the mistake of thinking I could help a heinous abuser change.
I hoped counselling for him with a psychologist who specialized in sex offenders and personality disorders, would be enough to get him to develop a conscience, develop empathy, stop being abusive…. but I was very wrong.
He didn’t want to change because he enjoys being an empty, shallow, exploitative and callous abuser.
You can’t help toxic abusers and I would NEVER suggest to anyone to try. It can make your life more unsafe and put you in danger, as it did with me.
No-one should tolerate abuse, tolerate disrespect, tolerate being treated like an object.
I deserve caring, honest, warm, kind people in my life, and I will never again settle for anything less.
And my children deserve not to be subjected to an abuser, they deserve the peace and safety we now have and a mum who is happy and thriving.

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My 10 year old and I have started doing mindfulness and relaxation meditations.

We sit on the soft rug on the floor in a quiet room and follow guided meditations from the free app Smiling Mind. It’s a great free app which he told me about – as his class had been doing some in school.

I love knowing they are teaching mindfulness and relaxation meditations in school. Such a great skill to learn when young

My son loves doing them each evening with me 💕

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😁😁😁
I’ve had braces on for the last 2 and half years and today the top ones were removed.
I love my new smile already! 😁
It feels like a victory in my healing and self care journey – in doing something that should have been done in my childhood, but wasn’t.
I decided in my 40’s it needed doing and I am really pleased with the results.
My dentist has been so supportive in my domestic violence healing journey – as she and her family suffered dv from her (police officer) father and she has a charity she runs for dv survivors.
When I get the bottom braces removed, she’s doing whitening as a gift for me!
So thankful and feel so blessed!
💜😁💜😁💜

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Suppressing trauma, dissociating from it, ignoring it, distracting attention away from it, minimizing it, avoiding emotions etc ….. none of these help healing.

In fact, long term they worsen the consequences of the trauma.

Unprocessed, unhealed trauma never goes away. It festers and is unconsciously expressed as physical illness, mental illness, relationship issues, emotional issues etc.

Suppressing, dissociating and avoiding may work short term as a coping strategy, but never long term.

Healing requires: processing the trauma, knowing the full consequences of it, figuring out all the ways it has affected the survivor, finding out how to manage the mental and physical illness consequences, honestly admitting what the survivor needs to change in terms of thinking, beliefs and behaviours.

Healing also requires grieving and that’s a painful process, that means we have to deal with uncomfortable truths and emotions.

Healing is not an easy, fun or nice process. It’s hard, painful and requires alot of self honesty.

This is why so many don’t heal. It’s too hard. Some don’t have the emotional resources for it all. Some don’t even know what is required to begin to heal.

But, I do believe every survivor can heal to their own capacity, with an understanding of what is needed.

I see too much emotional bypassing, emotion avoidance, dissociating and trauma processing avoidance being encouraged and that makes me sad – because it’s harming people more long term.

I want people to heal to their own capacity and that’s my motivation for my online work.

And that starts with saying what is required to heal and what does not help.

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I’ve stopped feeling sad and grieving about all the love, effort and kindness I wasted in a relationship with a toxic abuser…..

And I’ve started feeling excited and hopeful about how it will feel to be in a great relationship with a good, emotionally healthy man, and offer all that love, effort and kindness and…. receive it all back!

And have the relationship I always deserved.

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It’s Not All About Me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

An example…
There are survivors in their 60’s and older – who are still dealing with the effects of complex trauma.
And that’s okay.
There is no timeframe for healing from complex trauma.
I keep this in mind all the time, because the last thing any survivor needs to read – is that everyone should be able to heal fully and in X amount of time. And feel shame for not being ‘healed already’.
Why do I think about this?
Because I’m not ‘all about me’.
I care about other people, their journeys, needs and emotions.
Healing and managing symptoms can be a lifelong journey and there is no shame in that.
And people who do shame other survivors are very selfish and lack empathy – causing harm in the process.
Empathy is vital.
Empathy is about thinking of other people’s journeys and how our words and views impact others.
Empathy is about knowing other people can have life issues that greatly impact the capacity to heal, for no fault of their own.
Empathy is thinking about how my posts impact others and are they written to help, care and support others?
Being an advocate for complex trauma survivors takes empathy to truly be of assistance to others.
Empathy is about others, about the needs of others, caring about the impact of what we do – whilst also maintaining boundaries and caring for self.
There is no advocacy, without empathy.

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🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

One red flag in a narcissistic abuser, is how they view what you do for them and how they view what they should do for you.

This will one of many red flags you can discern.

About 2 years ago, I said to the ex – that for 18 years – he expected to be told how great he is (when he’s not) and wanted continual appreciation for the bare minimum efforts he made in doing things for the family.

Yet, he showed zero appreciation for all the many huge efforts I made, which were in fact far beyond the average, including what I did for him.

When I said to him “you have never shown any appreciation for anything I do for you, never thanked me, not even one time” – his reaction was disgust. His face screwed up in disgust. He had no verbal response, including no awareness how wrong his attitude is. And that reaction was a huge red flag.

He was disgusted at the thought of having to be appreciative, or thank me for my huge efforts, for him, for our children, for our family.

That disgust is the toxic narcissistic ego that believes people are there as objects to be used and abused.

That disgust is their overwhelming sense of entitlement to have victims doing whatever the narc demands, whilst giving nothing of worth back.

It’s proof that they don’t see people as human beings with needs, feelings, emotions. It’s just all about the narc.

It’s proof they don’t see relationships as a two way street. It’s all one way – as per their exploitative and parasitic needs.

These subtle signs and red flags are not always obvious, but when you begin to dissect the relationship and reflect on all the attitudes, motivations and behaviours, you see clearly what the narcissistic abuser truly is.

They are toxic, selfish, entitled, cruel, exploitative parasites and emotional vampires, who suck the life out of you and have no remorse for the harm they cause.

And no-one deserves to be treated that way.

And yes, it’s very normal to be angry and hurt and feel disgusted and repulsed about that abuser. Because their actions and abuse were a choice. And it’s never okay to treat someone so inhumanely.

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I educate about abuse and abusers, because interpersonal trauma – abuse – is the main cause of Complex PTSD.

Abuse causes many long term issues that include the victim feeling shame, feeling defective, being vulnerable to more abuse (particularly if a child abuse survivor), re-victimisation, self blame and more.

Part of the healing process is to understand why the abuse occurred – as in truly knowing the abuse was all a reflection of the abuser’s character disturbance and not a reflection of the victim’s worth or value.

The abuse is all about the abuser’s issues and many abusers project blame and shame onto the victim.

The victim/survivor needs to heal from this by learning they were never to blame for the abuse they suffered.

The survivor also needs to learn all the red flags, in order to not be vulnerable to another toxic abuser.

This helps reduce re-victimisation and helps the survivor to engage only in healthy appropriate relationships.

I don’t educate about abusers as an act of hate towards them, I educate about abusers as an act of love for survivors.

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Diagnoses Can Change As More Trauma Is Processed & Disclosed – Lilly Hope Lucario

My journey of processing trauma, has been a long and painful one, that has taken over 7 years.

When I first started therapy, back nearly 8 years ago, my diagnosis was based upon the very little I had disclosed. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist – purely for the benefit of claiming disability support pension, as I was unable to work.

During this one hour appointment, with a psychiatrist I had never previously met – I divulged very little of my full trauma history. But, enough about my childhood trauma was disclosed to allow the psychiatrist to give a diagnosis of PTSD, delayed onset from complex trauma. I was in a very traumatised state and barely able to speak and had no further appointments with this psychiatrist.

What I didn’t tell her, was about my marriage. I didn’t tell her I had functioned well, and been independent from the age of 20 – until my current marriage which started at 30 – when my health began to decline. She wasn’t made aware of my high functioning life, prior to my second marriage. She wasn’t aware of my job and my career and how I supported myself fully with no help from family, throughout my 20’s.

So, she based my diagnosis of a very incomplete picture of my trauma history and health and functioning capacity both now and in the past. Her diagnosis was based on this incomplete history she had available to her in a one hour appointment. And that is the issue with diagnoses based on a brief appointment, and a limited discussion of the trauma history. They are not always accurate.

That diagnosis has since been superseded by a far more accurate diagnosis, based on the full extent of my abuse history. Based on my therapy and trauma processing since that appointment.

7 years ago, I had not processed the abuse and domestic violence in my current marriage. The abuse was psychological, emotional and sexual abuse, of a fairly covert and insidious type – that is very hard to realise is in fact abuse.

As often happens in long term therapy – I began to slowly process this trauma, learn about abuse and feel able to disclose more abuse. I began to realise the lying, manipulation, toxic selfishness and harm caused by my current husband (I refer to as my ex) – was significant abuse. I began to see the similarities of the personality traits of narcissism and sociopathy in my ex. The lack of empathy, the lack of conscience, the toxic selfishness, the lack of consideration for the needs of myself and our children, the pathological lying, the affairs I suspected he had, the lack of remorse or shame he felt for the harm he caused.

After a few years of processing, I realised I had been conned and lied to from day 1. Told a whole lot of lies about his first marriage and how he pretended to be a good person, when he is anything but good.

I realised how he exploited an abuse survivor, with soft boundaries and empathy – for his own callous needs. So heinous.

I also realised a few years ago – that he had sexually abused me, via sexual coercion in the form of: manipulation, guilt tripping, anger, causing a toxic environment with his bad moods, acting like he was owed sex, plying me with alcohol, not caring that I clearly did not want sex with someone I knew was harmful, not caring about the pain the unwanted sex caused, acting like he was the victim because I would not have sex with him and manipulating the situation into seeming like ‘I’ was in some way – the bad person. Severe manipulation and gaslighting abuse. He didn’t care that I had to dissociate to cope with the sexual abuse. He didn’t care that I felt no choice but to ‘give in’ on occasions – just to stop the anger and the harmful behaviours he inflicted, when I rejected him.

I realised this sexual coercion was sexual abuse. In fact, rape. He chose to rape a child sexual abuse and rape survivor. Which is whole deeper level of heinous and evil abuse.

I realised my marriage had been nothing more than me being the victim of an exploitative and toxic, narcissistic, sociopathic abuser.

I went down the dangerous path of trying to get him help and get him into counselling, unwisely believing he may change. (He didn’t and only went a handful of times). I was scared he would cut me off financially – like he did his first wife, who he failed to pay child support to for over 10 years. I had very valid reasons to be very concerned. He used finances to keep me in the marriage. He made it clear there would not be enough money to support two homes if he left. And being unable to work, I was scared I would be unable to support my children. He used financial abuse, to continue to control me.

In 2018, in therapy, I began to discuss leaving the marriage and how to manage my health and my children alone. The arguments and abuse I continued to endure, at one point resulted in him getting a knife out of the drawer and in anger, using it in a threatening manner. I realised I was in danger – physically. I talked about this in therapy and contacted a lawyer to seek advice and was told I should apply for a domestic violence protection order. I went to the police, with a document the ex had signed for his therapist – admitting to all the abuse and the police dealt with it very badly – no doubt because my husband is a police officer and they protect their own.

After this knife incident – the police advised him to leave and I told him to leave. I attempted to set boundaries on his behaviour whilst he saw the children and attempted to maintain contact between him and the children – which the children didn’t actually want in the latter half of 2018. These boundaries were to try and protect myself and my children and I discussed this every week in counselling.

In January 2019, another incident occurred and he was angry, abusive and threatening, because he had been stalking me and found out I was on a date. The white hot jealous rage was terrifying. That’s the really dangerous kind of rage, that leads to women getting really hurt, or dead. My teenage son witnessed it all and was scared for my safety. I told the ex to leave and he wouldn’t. I ran inside the house, locked the screen door and told him to leave, or I would phone the police. I got my son to write down everything he witnessed, in case the police had to be called. I arranged for the locks to be changed the next day and contacted the lawyer again.

I applied for a domestic violence order, and the judge awarded a temporary one immediately in chambers, due to the evidence I supplied. Now, I am in the court/legal process, regarding an ongoing domestic violence order.

In 2018, I saw a clinical psychologist and again in 2019. This was in addition to my regular weekly counselling sessions with my GP Counsellor.

With the full extent of my abuse history known – an accurate diagnosis of PTSD – caused by the domestic violence in my current marriage – was given. With the impact to my health being disabling and severe.

The vasovagal syncope I also now suffer, was diagnosed within 2017 – by a cardiologist – as caused by extreme distress due to my marriage, had also been given.

The new and accurate PTSD diagnosis, was confirmed alongside the vasovagal syncope – which cannot be ‘delayed onset’. Both were caused entirely by domestic violence in my second marriage.

Nuggets Of Healing Posts, In April 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others.

Why Denying The Full Extent of A Severe Abuse Survivor’s Trauma – Is Really Harmful, Re-Traumatising & Triggering ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I had a lightbulb moment of realisation, about why other people denying the full extent of my trauma is so painful, very triggering and feels re-traumatising.

My own trauma history includes suffering ongoing severe deliberate and intentionally inflicted pain and suffering. My abusers displayed a full capacity for comprehending right from wrong and a very competent capacity for self control.

I have no doubt that all my abusers would be diagnosed with a range of mental illness disorders including: narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, psychopathy, paedophilia and others.

Every abuser knew the abuse they inflicted was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it, threatened and intimidated me and tried to stop me from speaking of it to others. They would not have needed to do that – if they didn’t know it was wrong.

Every abuser displayed self control, in being able to pick and choose when they would be abusive and whom they would be abusive to. They were not out abusing people in front of witnesses, again displaying self control and cognitive capacity for knowing abuse is wrong.

I’ve encountered attitudes from people during my healing process that have minimized, trivialised, justified and excused my abuser’s behaviour. One being that they probably had ‘mental illness’. With a very black and white view that mental illness fully incapacitates cognitive capacity and self control. But, that is not correct.

A ‘mental illness disorder’ simply means a collective set of symptoms/ behaviours/ thinking that is considered outside of the norm and negatively impacts their life, or those around them.

A mental illness does not mean they are insane, or they are all psychotic, or severely dissociated. It means they have non-normal behaviour.

A mental illness does not mean the person is unable to control themselves, or unable to manage their ‘symptoms’. Most with mental illness can and choose to, as I can manage my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms, because I choose to and I don’t allow it to impact those around me.

A personality disorder is different to other mental illness, in that it is about the person’s character and personality traits, as described by psychiatrist Dr George K Simon…. who describes personality disorders as character disturbance. You can see more of his insightful work athttps://www.drgeorgesimon.com/ .

Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopaths And Infidelity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Of all the many kinds of abuse that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths (I will refer to them as toxic people) choose to inflict on their victims – infidelity is one.

My toxic ex (we are separated) cheated throughout his first marriage and I’ve just been told – cheated throughout ours.

Someone has let me know my ex cheated back before we moved to Australia. I’m not at all surprised. Anyone who can sexually abuse a survivor of severe sexual abuse – is capable of anything.

Infidelity is just one of the many things toxic people do – with no remorse, no conscience, no guilt, no shame, no empathy. And of course – if you confront them – they will act outraged that you would suggest such a thing about them.

My ex has no understanding of love, honesty, decency, care, integrity or anything that is found in decent human beings.

Here are some links:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/why-do-narcissists-and-sociopaths-cheat.374/

https://www.health.com/mind-body/sociopath-traits

https://www.bustle.com/p/13-common-mind-games-sociopaths-play-in-everyday-life-to-watch-out-for-2975623

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/manipulative-lies-sociopath-personality-rebecca-monet

It’s interesting to recently hear friend’s opinions of my toxic ex. How difficult them found him. How he’s ignorant and shallow. Very boring and weird. And he’ll never change. He will wallow in his darkness and feeling like a victim all his life. 

I am moving forward with my life. I’m raising my boys to be the opposite of their father.

A Near Serious Car Crash Is Terrible – Especially With PTSD & Vasovagal Nerve Damage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

 

My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family.  Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.

Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay.  Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.

Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.

Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.

I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago

Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

So Thankful To The Ex Wife Of My Sociopath Husband, For Her Compassion & Honesty

Several months ago, whilst going through the trauma of unravelling the truth about my 18 year marriage – I realise my sociopath husband had told a whole pack of lies about his ex wife. He portrayed himself as the victim – as he is now with me. He portrayed this image of being this really great guy – with a crazy, selfish, lazy wife. I fell for it. He’s a very convincing liar. I was also the perfect victim for him to move on to. I am empathic, caring, easily manipulated. I believed his lies. The lies he told directly, the half truths, all the times he let me assume wrongly about his ex wife. He is an expert at lying and letting people believe lies.

So, being the person I am, when I realised he had lied and that his ex wife is probably a lovely person and like me, I wrote to her. I told her everything and that I believed all his lies and that she should know – I do now realise all the abuse she was also going through. I didn’t know how she would react. She responded with compassion. We had many conversations – where the truth was revealed.

I realised his lack of emotion about not seeing his daughter, was due to him just not caring. His daughter was out of sight, out of mind. He had a new victim to play with. Me. He discarded his ex wife and daughter in such a bizarre and toxic way, and he never shed a single tear. I assumed when he didn’t care about pursuing contact with his daughter in the first few years following their separation, was just him giving in to his ‘horrible ex wife’. Now I realise he didn’t care about seeing his daughter. Me pushing him to seek contact and get court orders for contact – was not what he wanted at all.

I told his ex that it was me that pushed all the contact legal action. I told her he never shed a tear over his daughter and she said she already knew that.

I also told her about all the psychological, emotional and sexual abuse to me. And I confirmed that what she endured with his financial abandonment to his daughter, was financial abuse. Plus all the affairs he had within their marriage and no doubt in mine.

We also both realise he never has/had friends and was ignorant and barely speaks around people – because he has no use for most people. He has no concept of actually thinking about others in a way that is needed for friendships. He has no emotional connection with anyone. As sociopaths don’t.

It was helpful or us both to validate each others treatment by this heinous man. We also both agreed that if he loved either of us, or our children – he would have wanted us to have been the healthiest and happiest women and parents. But, instead he destroyed us both. My health is destroyed and she has never worked since their divorce due to health issues created in their marriage.